Newbies Nest

[Daevid]

Newbies Nest

Thanks Available and Cherokeer for your words of comfort. I hope the anxiety subsides so that I can at least "function". No, I know I can never drink again.

[available]

Newbies Nest

My anxiety was through the roof when i stopped drinking and now it is all but gone. Believe me the anxiety gets better. Except for today, i a flying and just seen another plane crashed, i dont take meds anymore but today is an anxiety pill day. The drink, the shame, the guilt and the anxiety and depression were part of my life and not anymore Daevid. Today my life is good. i am rebuilding a relationship with my mother who i am going to visit today. I highly recommend this not drinking although i totally know how hard it is to stop.

[Starfish1]

Newbies Nest

Hi Daevid :welcome: and Congratulations on day 4! I bet your tests will be fine in a few weeks. Just stay away from that wicked drink and, like Cher said, your liver will repair itself. Isn't that wonderful news!

Well, nesters, I am home now, and fortunately, over the danger for the day. It was rough, I must admit. I could not wait to get home to post.

If you have been following my story today, I'll say that I was called back into a meeting after lunch to wrap up the report that was to be submitted this week. Another 3 hours of madness. We did get finished though (at least that's the word I heard when I left work) and the product will be sent tomorrow. That's a huge relief. It's only a draft though, but at least we will have a break from it until we receive further instruction.

I was really close to caving this afternoon. I was not sure I could make it home. My strategy was to think about how much I want my moon tomorrow and how I would hate to have to amend my roll call signature for today. Also, I know that if I failed today, I would be back at square one (not just day one, square one , and probably be drinking again daily. I thought about how I want to wake up tomorrow with bright eyes, not red, puffy eyes. I thought about many of my friends here who have struggled with this demon and are winning the battle and the strength they have had to exert to carry on. I thought about different ways to relax after I get home (instead of passing out drunk).

So. Got home. Did my immediate chores. Fixed myself a fizzy water with lime and connected with the nest.

I am going to fix an easy dinner, read some posts and go to bed early. Hope tomorrow is better.

And Ava. :l I pray for your safe travels. I agree that air travel these days is a legitimate worry.

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Sorry I haven't been able to say hello today - busy, busy with family!
I'm still recovering from some virus but that didn't keep them away

Hang in there everyone - you won't sorry!!!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Darn, I was sure I posted today but I dont see it? Reminds me of the old days! :H

Glad that funeral is over. It gave us all some good closure. Karen's som and brother want to bring her ashes to the beach and scatter them in the ocean. So I will help with that when the time comes.

Glad to be home....trying to catch up!!! Hang in there,everyone!
Ava, statistically speaking, flying after there has been a mishap is the SAFEST time to fly! You will be fine!!!

Hugs to all! Byrdie

[peppersnow]

Newbies Nest

available;1686002 wrote: Daevid welcome to the nest, this is a great place to settle in and be accountable. I always wanted to have a blood test but thought my liver levels would be through the roof. I also had a "thought' that i would stop drinking for 5 weeks and then get a blood test. My only problem was i could not stop drinking for one day let alone five weeks. When i did go after 40 days my liver levels were great. I then did have that thought of "oh i must not have drank that much then". Only an alky can think like that. You dont need to flirt with the grim reaper anymore! Life is so much better sober.

Ava, I totally agree - Alky thinking, that if our liver enzymes check out okay, we didn't actually have a problem. I often see people post about how miraculous the liver is and how it can re-generate. I hate to seem like I?m trying to trump anyone, or be a know-it-all, but before anyone gets too excited about liver damage being reversible, Spoiler Alert: I?m about to kill that buzz. I inherited a rare liver disease and have been seeing specialists most of my adult life. Which makes it especially stupid that I drank, I know, so I win the idiot prize. Several of my immediate family members died of the same genetic liver disease and were not alcoholics. Anyway, I?m sharing this short liver tutorial as incentive to those who?ve quit to stay quit, and for those who?ve not quit yet to do it now. And this time I plan to take my own advice and stay quit forever!

There are 3 types of alcohol-induced liver disease: Fatty Liver, Alcoholic Hepatitis and Cirrhosis. Fatty Liver is the only condition that is reversible. Basically, everyone here had or has fatty liver disease? its universal to heavy drinkers. 40% of moderate drinkers have fatty liver as well. Fatty liver, which occurs after acute alcohol ingestion, is generally (but not always) reversible with abstinence, but only if abstinence is maintained.

Alcoholic hepatitis is an acute form of alcohol-induced liver injury that occurs with the consumption of a large quantity of alcohol over a prolonged period of time; severity of symptoms range from simply elevated liver enzymes (hello? I know you?re out there?I have elevated liver enzymes as well) to liver failure. Damage from alcoholic hepatitis is generally not reversible. Cirrhosis is when damaged liver tissue is replaced with scar tissue and is irreversible.

The main thing to know is that it?s a myth that liver damage is always reversible; very often it is not. The part of our livers or liver tissue we?ve killed (if we have) is generally dead forever, period. The healthy tissue/sections of our livers can take over for the damaged tissue/sections and our blood work can improve, but the actual damage is rarely reversible. The good news is that we can function with very, very little of our liver working well and still appear otherwise healthy. And now that we?ve quit, we can protect whatever healthy liver tissue we have left and likely live a normal life. But elevated liver enzymes that return to normal does NOT mean our livers have repaired themselves or that our damage has been reversed, which is why it?s so important to TELL YOUR DOCTORS HOW MUCH YOU?VE BEEN DRINKING, SARAH, and everyone else (I had to throw that in, Sarah, as you just posted about your upcoming dr. appt and discomfort with being honest). I know it?s hard, but it?s really important, because our doctors need to know that just because our enzymes return to normal doesn?t mean our livers are healthy. It just means that the healthy portion of our livers has compensated for that which we?ve killed. That?s why when a person presents with physical symptoms of liver disease like jaundice, weight loss, itchy skin, etc., it?s usually far too late to do anything about it and they die. That tiny little section of the liver that was doing all the work finally quit.

I realize this was a downer-of-a-post, but am sharing it in hopes that it might put a stop to the alky thinking that Ava described: "Hey, my liver enzymes are only slightly elevated, or even normal, so I must not have been that bad...maybe I can go back to drinking?" Instead, tell yourself this: "Hey, my liver enzymes are only slightly elevated, or even normal, so Thank God I still have enough healthy liver tissue to function well and live my life if I stay quit forever!"

:l

[bran new day]

Newbies Nest

Great post Peppersnow !! Thankyou .

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Damn, I'm craving like crazy now. Very tired from workouts - and loads to do before I sleep. Typically on a day like this, I would feel so entitled, saying "I need a drink!". I'm thinking about how much it would suck to feel like crap at my two new client meetings tomorrow - I have enjoyed feeling at my best. Just tired now, and grumpy. It's amazing how many of the times I drank, it was to feel like I was crawling into a hole - needed quite, distance from everything. There needs to be a new way to achieve it. Bah! This feeling shall pass.... This feeling shall pass...

[Ginger999]

Newbies Nest

Great post, Pepper! Thanks.... I love facts like this. They really help my resolve.

Kensho, Hang in there. You will get past these feelings if you just push through. I felt the same way early on. It will pass. I promise!

I've been retired from a tech postion for 4 years. Today I had to go back to work on a project they needed help with. It was and is a stressful position. Usually on my way home at the end of the day, I'd be craving my first glass of wine. Today on my way my home, my mind wondered there for just a moment and then it went to my sparkling water and waking up without a headache tomorrow. I just finished that sparkling water while checking the threads. Thanks to each and everyone of you no matter where you are in your quit. You make this possible for me.

Like is good!

[j-vo]

Newbies Nest

Pepper,
Very informative post. Thank you! I've read so much on this topic. Couldn't be that i was worried or anything...But to reread it is always good because we need to keep reinforcing this fact that alcohol can kill us. I've known people with liver disease and it ain't pretty.

Kensho,
You're thinking the right way now! Yes, it would suck to feel like crap at your meetings tomorrow if you drank. Add this..."I will feel great and on my game tomorrow because I'm not drinking now." Now eat some ice cream. Make sure you eat! It takes away the craving.

[TJAF]

Newbies Nest

bran new day;1686053 wrote: Great post Peppersnow !! Thankyou .

Pepper great post. After years of making excuses for crappy liver function tests I finally quit drinking and 6 months later my liver function tests came back normal and have stayed that way. While you are right about not letting a good test result lull you into a false sense of security while actively drinking it is gratifying to get a good result once you quit!

[KENSHO]

Newbies Nest

Did anyone else's liver actually hurt? Mine did and I never had a bad liver test.

SO, in attempt to write instead of drink, here I am again. Please allow me to be the first to say it may be annoying, but it is sure helpin'! Feel free to ignore!

I am trying to view this craving as a learning experience. What do I want to "numb"? Drinking will not solve it, whatever it is. So, what am I learning - how can I fix it? To plan better so I don't get this tired when I have to much still to do. To ask for more help (I get really bitter because I do 75% of the packing and all the meal planning for camping, yet I still work as much as the hubs does). All I have to do is ask him. To take more breaks. To realize that the earth will still turn if I don't "get it all done tonight" - quitting & sleeping is more important than most of this other stuff.

ALSO... I had someone tell me yesterday that they didn't think I had a problem with alcohol - and heck, what I drink is NORMAL in Europe. So, I thought about it and have a response. Here is why my drinking was not "normal":
1. I wanted it every night
2. One drink was not possible if there was more around
3. I would think about and get excited for the evening's drinks at around 10am (or whenever the hangover would wear off) - and think about it much of the day
4. I would buy only screw top wine so I could have the first (and sometimes second) glass on the way home
5. I would chug wine and other liquors right from the bottle - 'cause it's quicker!
6. I had a separate credit card to hide alcohol purchases
7. I would hide bottles in my office, underwear drawer, work bags, car, etc.
8. I would talk to people (i.e. husband) with my back to them so they couldn't smell me
9. I would wonder if I still smelled like AL in the mornings
10. I asked my Dr. for liver tests
11. I craved it while pregnant
12. I have written poetry about my love/hate relationship with it
13. I felt like I had a problem and tried to moderate my intake for several years

THERE... is that enough of a problem? Sheesh... that's enough to send that AL voice a packin'! I think I'm going to bed.

Good wishes to you all...

[wagmore]

Newbies Nest

KENSHO;1686092 wrote: Did anyone else's liver actually hurt? Mine did and I never had a bad liver test.

SO, in attempt to write instead of drink, here I am again. Please allow me to be the first to say it may be annoying, but it is sure helpin'! Feel free to ignore!

I am trying to view this craving as a learning experience. What do I want to "numb"? Drinking will not solve it, whatever it is. So, what am I learning - how can I fix it? To plan better so I don't get this tired when I have to much still to do. To ask for more help (I get really bitter because I do 75% of the packing and all the meal planning for camping, yet I still work as much as the hubs does). All I have to do is ask him. To take more breaks. To realize that the earth will still turn if I don't "get it all done tonight" - quitting & sleeping is more important than most of this other stuff.

ALSO... I had someone tell me yesterday that they didn't think I had a problem with alcohol - and heck, what I drink is NORMAL in Europe. So, I thought about it and have a response. Here is why my drinking was not "normal":
1. I wanted it every night
2. One drink was not possible if there was more around
3. I would think about and get excited for the evening's drinks at around 10am (or whenever the hangover would wear off) - and think about it much of the day
4. I would buy only screw top wine so I could have the first (and sometimes second) glass on the way home
5. I would chug wine and other liquors right from the bottle - 'cause it's quicker!
6. I had a separate credit card to hide alcohol purchases
7. I would hide bottles in my office, underwear drawer, work bags, car, etc.
8. I would talk to people (i.e. husband) with my back to them so they couldn't smell me
9. I would wonder if I still smelled like AL in the mornings
10. I asked my Dr. for liver tests
11. I craved it while pregnant
12. I have written poetry about my love/hate relationship with it
13. I felt like I had a problem and tried to moderate my intake for several years

THERE... is that enough of a problem? Sheesh... that's enough to send that AL voice a packin'! I think I'm going to bed.

Good wishes to you all...

Kensho - I could have written almost this exact same list for why my drinking wasn't normal. I'm guessing there are common threads for a lot of us on here. It's so good that you're recognizing this, processing this, putting it all down in words and facing it. I have been going through a very similar process since I started my quit, and the steps you're taking are some of the ones that have helped me the most.

For what it's worth, YES, my liver did hurt and it scared the crap out of me. I got a liver test which came back almost completely normal (just one minor thing at the top of the range, not even really elevated). My doc also palpated my liver and reassured me that it didn't feel abnormal (not enlarged, not hardened or scarred).

Rather than taking this as license to continue my drinking, I breathed a massive sigh of relief and maintained my quit. The scare I went through, the pain that took weeks to fully go away, are a big part of what keeps me from drinking now. I'm terrified of the damage AL does and I hope I've scared myself badly enough that it'll last the rest of my life.

Thanks for sharing all that you're thinking - it's really helping me and I'm drawing support from your posts.

Hugs, Wag

[Sarah42]

Newbies Nest

Hi everyone!

Plz forgive me in advance that will be a fairly long post.

First of all, I owe a huge apology to AVA, NS, Pepper, Byrdie, Pav, etc. (if I didn't type your name believe me I know who you are). What I did tonight was go back 2-3 weeks ago when I had prolly 8-10 posts from you guys trying to help me. Those posts did not fall on deaf ears, but I realized that during that entire time, I was responding with nothing but excuses. I also realized, I was reading alot of those posts under the consumption of AL.

Tonight, I made it a point to go back that far (while I was sober) and reread my own responses, and quite frankly....I was ashamed at myself. Holy cow, I think I'm the Queen of excuses!!!

Ava- sorry to you especially. I combated you on something you were right about, by relaying nothing but "I'm doing sooooo good"!! My thought was "plz give me some praise for what I have accomplished' type feeling. Well, as Byrdie says- all of that is BS. F*** I'm mixing valium with AL! I'm a dumbass. I don't deserve any type of praise until I start Day 1 again. And even then...I don't deserve praise. IDK what I was thinking, honestly, except I thought "hey I cut down...that's a start". BS. What a cop out. I'm truly sorry AVA. Your posts have NEVER fallen on deaf ears...just AL ears.
Byrdie- my sister from another mother- I owe you an apology too. Your ability to write in your post that I know is mostly directed to me (but others) ...you have been by my side since day 1 I joined. You have been a HUGE inspiration to me b/c we share so many health conditions and 'thoughts'.

NS- you stayed with me even frustrated (as with others), and I'm sorry to you as well if you felt your words of wisdom fell on deaf ears.

Pepper- my goodness! You have provided loads of info for me and offered great advice esp with the mixture of AL and anx meds. I thank you for that!

Rahul- Your persistance even during travels are very inspiring.

Lav- I just love you. I know I have exhausted you as well, but you kept trying to help!

Sorry if I did not include all of you, but there were like 10+ posts during that time I read that made a difference to me tonight.

To those who are new to this, plz listen to these folks!

I was given a gift yesterday when the nurse called me in another prescription of the generic of Lexapro. I still have plenty of the Clonezapram.

So after reading everyone's posts...I figure this is the best time to try for another day 1...maybe more cause I have something that could be taken away from me if I continue drinking.

The idea I have slight elevated liver enzymes scares me to no end.

I hope I'm not talking thru my hat here, but tomr is going to be my day 1. I hope that I can repay all of you for helping me by doing just that...at least. Not even gonna worry about the awful Tequila IDT...just gonna do it. At least that is my hope.

Finally, whether I succeed or fail- my main point was to approach those who HAVE been a huge help to me!

I truly love you all and I will post tomr night.

Love to all,

Sarah

[available]

Newbies Nest

sarah at the end of the day the only one you are hurting is yourself. Not me, i will keep on doing what i am doing whether you approve of me or not or what you say about me. I have walked the walk and i will keep on walking it. Mind you, i could have used a drink the other night after your tirade. Dont try just do. We on the nest can only do so much for people and if they dont want to help themselves well we will move onto someone who does. If you do stop drinking tomorrow then great but if you then say your day was so stressful you just had to drink then why bother. 1 af day does not cut it every 4 or so months. No one on this site has died from giving up drinking for more than one day.

Pepper a great post thanks for that. my brother died of liver cirrohsis and it was terrible to see him after he had died. So very yellow. Still didnt stop me from drinking for 4 more years though.

Kensho i dont think anyone ever said to me i dont drink that much, i knew and was in denial for years. Now i have flashbacks of what i was like and its scary and keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Well i have made it to mums for 4 days and the weather is fantastic compared to melbourne and she is having a wine and i am having a coke and coffee. no cravings for having a wine and i even got her a wine. how times have changed for the better.

i look forward to you posting sarah on your day 1 in roll call tomorrow and then hitting the repeat button to continue on with not drinking.