This will end my marriage

[Pan]

Hi everyone. I am 51 and have been drinking heavily on and off for 25 years. Every day. I drink cask wine. I cannot understand why I do this anymore. When my husband is home, sometimes I don't drink at all, but leave me on my own and I just drink and drink. I don't even like the taste sometimes, but I keep on keeping on. I know how bad it is for me and have had bad liver test results, but once I stop for a while, or cut right back, the liver is fine again and I start the whole process again. I tried Topamax years ago but it caused too many problems in my feet. I guess I just need some support to get me on the right track to stop or cut back. I believe I need to stop, but I don't want to, completely. I really cannot imagine a life without the support of my wine when I "need" it to relax or unwind. I notice I said "my" wine. That's pretty much owning my addiction. I also do not have the confidence to speak properly to even friends without a few drinks under my belt. If I keep on going like this my husband will finally leave me for good. He's already walked out on me because of this a number of times. He calls me crazy "myname" and really tries to understand, but I know this is the last time.

[AMELIA]

This will end my marriage

Hi Panicked,
Welcome to the site!
Yes I have thought many times that I may not be able to live without wine. However lately I have been making a very conscious effort to cut back a little every day....really questioning my automatic thinking.
I am now back on Topa and have cut my alcohol consumption right down. I must add that I am also exercising, taking the All One Powder and taking Glutamine when I have cravings, which I believe is paying off immensly.

There is hope Panicked. I really do believe that the idea that we 'need' Alcohol is an illusion we chose to hold on to.
I thought I NEEDED wine to do a multitude of things,....but the less wine I have been having, the better I am at most things, my painting, my paperwork and loads of other day to day bits and pieces (including getting on better with my work collegues and boyfriend).
Try using this site as a substitute for some of the 'support' you think you get from wine.
Read and post and get to know the boards.
Once again, welcome.:welcome:

[Evie.Lou]

This will end my marriage

Welcome panicked, Glad to have you with us. Maybe it would be good to download the MWO book and then you can get an idea how this site can help you.

[Pan]

This will end my marriage

Thanks Amelia for your advice. I understand exactly what you are saying. How long did it take you to get better at the things you previously thought the wine did for you? Because seriously, I cope much better creatively with the wine. It sounds strange, but I am more creative when I drink. I'm not a stupid person - I suspect that my head isn't filled with other stuff, but I just don't cope properly when I don't drink. Any creative thought goes straight out of the window. And that is my job - to create. Thankfully, I work from home. What is Glutamine? I know I cannot get Kudzo where I am.

[Pan]

This will end my marriage

Thankyou EvieLou. I have read the book.

[Doggygirl]

This will end my marriage

Hi panicked. Wine and/or Vodka. Every day. Lots of it. Preferably while home alone with the world just leaving me and my precious bottles alone.

I knew I needed to stop and I can't even count the number of nights I woke up from a stupor in the middle of the night begging some higher power to take the desire to drink away from me. I knew I was (and am) an alcoholic and I knew I had to stop but like you - I didn't want to give up my precious booze.

I admit I was tantalized by the notion (for me, a fantasy) of "moderate drinking" which is part of the MWO program for those who are not too far gone. But that fantasy of moderation brought me here, and MWO is where my path to sobriety began. So I am grateful for the fantasy.

I have been completely sober for just over 8 months. I have my life back! I think back to the drunken haze where I was nothing but a shell of a person, and I can't imagine ever drinking again. It's a fight. It's not easy. But the journey is SO WORTH IT. I hope you will stay here and work hard and fight your way to the GOOD life that we all richly deserve. For those of us with the level of alcohol addiction you describe, I believe that life is more likely there for the taking WITHOUT alcohol in the picture.

I got my MWO start with the Starter Kit from the health store which includes all the recommended supplements and the hypnosis CD's. That along with exercise and the dietary recommendations (no sugar in particular!) is a great start.

There is a lot of mental work to do as well. This is not magic and it's not easy, even with the help of the MWO tools. No sense fooling ourselves there. I also work the tools at a recovery site called smartrecovery.org - Your Smart Recovery Source which I find very helpful for the mental aspects of this journey.

Best wishes to you! There IS freedom if you are willing to work for it.

DG

[lil.michelle]

This will end my marriage

Hey,
I'm sorry to hear this but i too am in the same boat. My hubby WILL leave me if i continue to drink, i'm 25, he's 24, been together 10 years and have a little baby girl.
I'm on day one again today. It's hard when you believe that wine really has a good effect on us but it's untrue. It's MADE you think you can't relax or talk to friends without it's help, you have to understand that it's the wine talking and you need to cut it off.
If a friend of yours said, right, you're not going to talk to anyone until i've dealt with my shit or said, right, you're going to be with me rather then your husband and i really don't care how you feel or what i'm doing to you, deal with it.... would you? would you stand for that, would you let that 'friend' destroy your marriage... No, i highly doubt you would. That is what wine is saying to you. You need to just cut it out once and for all.
Look at what you have... look at what you WILL lose if this continues.
I know it's hard hun, it really is. It's so easy to sit here and give advice but i know how hard it is to quit. You NEED to WANT this or it'll never happen. We're all here for you. Get the supplement as they do help a little. It's going to take a lot of teeth gritting, hair pulling, mood swings but you know what, it's sooo worth it.
I know you can do this... Good luck! We're all here for you!

[Pan]

This will end my marriage

wine instead of food

Love the avatar doggygirl. I sound a lot like you were. I try everyday to not drink. I fail. Each time my cask runs out, I vow not to buy another, but I buy one just in case something happens and I can't get another at that time. I live in a small town. It's a panic thing. I don't have to drink it, or often I will only have a little bit, but once it's in the fridge, if I get the taste, I will keep going. It's absolutely crazy and I know it. I'm buying wine instead of food because we are a little short of money at present. My husband is in another state for work. I'm not telling him that the money is going on wine instead of food and I am ashamed of myself. I also smoke, although I am trying to stop that as well and he doesn't know how much I spend on that addiction. He thinks it's a packet a week.

[Evie.Lou]

This will end my marriage

Hvae you looked at the "sinclair method" video on you-tube? It may just give you the hope that you are looking for today.

[dill]

This will end my marriage

Panicked,
WELCOME! I replied to your post a half-hour ago, but I don't know where my post went! Hmm. Strange. Anyway, you have come to a great place to work on getting fee of alc. We're all in this together, here! I wish you all the best.

[upnorthgirl]

This will end my marriage

Don't panic

:welcome: to you Panicked. You have already received lots of good advice. this is the place to be for love and support. I too did most of my drinking alone, especially Thursday nights when my husband is out for sports night with the boys. Thought I was sneaky about it, but it was obvious.

I figured out last week that in five years I spent nearly $13,000 on alcohol--that alone is a shocker. :upset: What I could do with that money!

You can do this--come here when you want to drink. Change your route so you don't pass a liquor store. I had to change where I grocery shopped because they sell alcohol.

[Doggygirl]

This will end my marriage

Amelia, thanks for pointing out the error in the link I posted to Smart Recovery! I fixed it in my original post, but in case people don't catch the change upstream, the Smart Recovery site is SMART Recovery? | Help with Alcohol, Drug, and Other Addictions. (I used .com the first time!)

Upnorthgirl, I love your great point about the little things that help. Changing routines and old habits is key.

DG

[Ripple]

This will end my marriage

P ... what does Topamax do to your feet? How long did you use Topa?

So when hubby is away you over-indulge instead of relaxing and enjoying peace with yourself? Why does he leave you? So what if the marriage ends. We have to emotionally seperate from husbands (i do) in order to abstain. Its not forever. You have to be you and he has to be him. What keeps me sober is NOT caving in when he is out drinking.

Read about us here.. we all have similar issues..

Ripple..:l

[Doggygirl]

This will end my marriage

panicked;534309 wrote: Love the avatar doggygirl. I sound a lot like you were. I try everyday to not drink. I fail. Each time my cask runs out, I vow not to buy another, but I buy one just in case something happens and I can't get another at that time. I live in a small town. It's a panic thing. I don't have to drink it, or often I will only have a little bit, but once it's in the fridge, if I get the taste, I will keep going. It's absolutely crazy and I know it. I'm buying wine instead of food because we are a little short of money at present. My husband is in another state for work. I'm not telling him that the money is going on wine instead of food and I am ashamed of myself. I also smoke, although I am trying to stop that as well and he doesn't know how much I spend on that addiction. He thinks it's a packet a week.

I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I always made sure to have plenty of booze stock as well. It was more important than lots of things, including any pride I had as a wife and mistress of my kitchen. Mr. Doggy did practically all of the grocery shopping and most meals were frozen pizzas and stuff like that. Junk food junk food and more junk food. I certainly would have bought booze before food if faced with that choice.

I also know very well how it is to think "just one..." and then there is no stopping me. That is why I cannot, and will not ever drink alcohol again because THERE IS NO JUST ONE FOR ME. There is no point trying that same thing for the 385639573957 time and expecting some other different result.

If I can, you can. One of the terrific parts of finding My Way Out and SMART Recovery was realizing that there are so many people just like me. AND realizing that so many people just like me are leading a sober life. My life is so much better now I can't even begin to describe it. It's not perfect. There are still problems. But the problems are so much more effectively dealt with while sober. Piling a drunk on top of a problem didn't work very well in my house anyway.

DG

[upnorthgirl]

This will end my marriage

Junk food

Yeah, Doggy--I agree. I think the more I drank, the less I cared about healthy eating. I was content with a fifth of vodka, some chips and dip, lots of crap. The more I drank the less i cared or worried about my health..

Gee--wonder if that is why i gained so much weight?? DUH!