Discussing AL with your loved ones

[sunshine_gg]

There's something really nagging at me...

I can be brutally honest with myself. Or here. Or even with ONE friend in 'real life'.

But not with my mate, my parents (who DO know - I did tell them I have a problem) or other very close friends... I can not. When Mr. Wonderful brings up, or even just asks how I am doing... I almost panic. I want to hide. I'm SO ashamed, I feel so humiliated, and there is also a bit of defiance 'Leave me alone, I don't want to talk about it' kinda feeling.

I don't think this is good or healthy. For me OR for the ones living with me. But just the thought (right now, even) of really spelling it all out brings up tears. Why?

Am I alone in this? Anyone else feel like this?

[New Day]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Sunshine --- you're not alone ... I feel EXACTLY like you. My husband knows I like my red wine, but I don't think he knows I struggle to not have any. He can take it or leave it, and if he has any, it's one glass. I guess I'm too embarrassed to admit and I know he really wouldn't be able to understand ... would probably say "well, just don't pour a 2nd glass"... like it's that easy!

The only person I could discuss this with is my friend who lives in Australia ...... she's a nurse and would understand the addiction part ... and she also likes her beer/wine! She's a very non-judgemental person and would be very supportive. I'm going to be visiting her in a couple of weeks for a month, so will probably bring up the subject. I've already told her "I'm tryinig to cut back on the wine" to prepare her, because when I visited last year, we drank nightly.

I think we all have to deal with this in the way that makes us most comfortable. That's why I'm so grateful for this site ... I can express my joy at having AF days, and disappointment when I drink ... and you all understand. My husband would think I was nuts if I told him how happy I was that I went 7 days without AL..... but it's nice to be able to share that with someone.

[Evie.Lou]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

I understand your feelings. It was a huge step for me to tell hubby, i was so afraid i would lose his respect.When I finally got up the courage to tell him my TRUTH....what a relief !!!!! I had been afraid to tell him how hard it had been and show him my hiding places and admit that i could not stop without help. He wanted to help in anyway he could and I think he has more respect for me than ever before.

THEN....I felt so GOOD about this that I decided to tell my (so called friends) and colleges, thinking they would support me, as well....WRONG. They did everything possible to ruin my name and exaggerate what I had said. Emails were flying and I ended up closing our Church because of it...It remains closed today, nearly 9 months later. I may never reopen it.

Lesson of the story........ proceed with caution. You can't take back the words you say and make sure that those you tell, really have your best interest at heart.

[sunshine_gg]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

:l New Day... I am THRILLED to read you had 7 AF days!

Well, Mr. Wonderful DOES know.. he knows I have a problem, he knows I'm working on it, he knows about MWO, he is supportive and wants to do whatever he can to help... and yet...

[sunshine_gg]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Cross post... thank you Evie!

Oh dear... that must have been positively horrible for you I'm soo sorry.

I guess the thing for me is... I know how bad it really was (and yes, I do say WAS, because I have gotten MUCH better, even if not well enough yet) but I can't stand the thought of anyone else knowing. And subsequently, I guess, knowing about my struggle.

[claudia3]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

you're not alone, i have known for several months I have a problem but can only admit it to myself and my friend who also drinks, I guess by admitting it to my family means I will have to face and fight it, and while I can cut back I'm not ready to go AF... I just cant do it yet, I think I'm scared I'll get to a point where I'll have to become t total to survive and I want to be someone who can enjoy a drink

[dill]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

And yet, you can not talk about it with him. I am exactly the same. My husband knows: how could he not? And he has confronted me about it. He wants me to stop and he knows I am working on it. He knows I'm taking campral. He knows I've been to counselling. But I can't talk about it with him.
I have a friend who is also trying to quit. She and I talk and support each other. I won't talk about it with anyone else though, for fear of the repercussions such as Evie experienced. That must have been awful!

[New Day]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Sunshine ---- LOL ... don't be too thrilled for me ... I've only done it once! But the AF days I have, are getting easier and easier to achieve.... so slow progress, but's it's still progress.

If I'd told hubby about my quest, he too would be asking how I'm doing, just like yours is ... they are supportive.... but I'd be the same as you .... I'm okay, just don't keep "watching" me! I think that's how I'd react .... so to avoid the "watching" I haven't said anything. At least my girlfriend in Australia is too far away to do that ... which is maybe another reason I'd feel comfortable telling her.

Evie.Lou ... it's too bad your "friends" turned like that ... a lot of people will do anything to make themselves appear better than they are, by running others down. I would never tell anyone other than my husband .. and I may never tell him either. This is my own battle... and unless you have the same problem, no one else can understand or appreciate the struggle it is.

It's nice that we're here for each other.... I'm so grateful I found MWO.

[lil.michelle]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Hi hun,
I don't think you're alone at all. We deal with are problems in different ways. I guess telling the world we have/had a problem is our final acknowledgement about what has happened to us and there is no more hiding or pretending.
I do however, believe that being truthful with people close to you is also a way of being completely truthful to yourself. There is no turning back when people know, you HAVE to deal with it for ever.
I found telling my family took a huge weight off my shoulders.

[sdlovespackers]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

SS-
No way are you alone!!
I posted yesterday that I was talking to my mom about it and she actually imitated what I sounded like on several occasions of talking to her after a night of drinking...I don't think she meant it to be hurtful, but I was so embarrassed and started to silently cry. I told her honestly of my 13 beers last Friday and of my 2 this Friday and she started to cry and then went on to tell me I had no idea how worried she was about me...etc...heartbreaking! Yeah, now I wonder...will she always be watching..I guess it sucks but I know it's ok...she's loved me through my worst, obviously knows I'm not perfect and will be supportive as long as she know I'm giving this the best fight I can.

I talked to the guy I broke up with about 3-4 weeks ago for the first time...told time about this...why? I dunno...he said he was so happy for me, knew I could do it and when I was ready he'd be there for me. I told him, as selfish as this sounds...I can't 'give' anything to anyone right now (besides my son)...I'm concentrating on me...and only when I learn to love and respect me can I do the same for another....CAN NOT believe those words can from my mouth....the girl who 'can't be alone'....is welcoming it...amazing what freeing your mind from over clouding of barley and hops will do for a person!! Sorry to ramble...
Evie--I fear exactly what happened to you...I could never let my professional world know of this!!! Maybe in years down the road when I can say "here is where I was...look at me today!!!!!!!"

[lilmea]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

I do however, believe that being truthful with people close to you is also a way of being completely truthful to yourself. There is no turning back when people know, you HAVE to deal with it for ever.

I guess that's how it was for me. Because the hardest person for me to be totally honest with was me.

Evie-people were I worked knew I had a problem (I would come in drunk sometimes) and pretended they didn't know. But I wouldn't dare go tell them I had a problem but have sense quit drinking. That would be all over town.

[garlando]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

I know what you mean. I actually bougt a breathaliser and told my husband to test me when he gets home at night. He always mocked me for drinking wine before he got home, but he doesn;t get it and was more interested in how the breathaliser worked. Do I have to spell it out??

[KateH1]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Lots of good points here....I know that honestly with our alcohol issues is critical to our recovery. Absolutely essential. I do not believe that we have to share our struggles with colleagues and absolutely everyone that we are in contact with......not neccessary! But, I do believe that being honest with those that are close to us, mates, close friends and family, relieves a huge burden of being "secretive". Besides, they already know anyway......we are not really concealing anything! They already know!

Since I have become honest about my issues with alcohol and stuck to my word about recovery with NO excuses....my relationships, only gotten better in every way. This has truly helped me to get and stay a non-drinker for over a year......

Best Wishes.....

[LookingToGrow]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Well said, Kate.

[garlando]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Honesty is probably the best policy and some tough love would pobably not hurt either. My brother is very black or white and I know if I tell him he will probably tell me to sort it out or not come around. That's what I think he will do anyhow. I don't know. Mostly, my family likes to have a drink when we have a barbeque and I am so afraid that they will say I'm not allowed to drink then. I't's probably just me not ready to let go.