Discussing AL with your loved ones

[dill]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Yeah, I know. He sounds like a really wonderful Mr. W. But I totally understand you choking up, because I do the same. I guess it must be the ego thing. It's such a personal struggle. It's admitting a weakness. It's all tied up together. Sometimes the reaction I feel is anger. I think, jeez, it's hard enough working on this thing without someone peeking over my shoulder. I know that's probably immature. But it is what it is. It's like a bruise or a cut. (I know you can relate! LOL) You don't want it to be poked.

Maybe when I said "obsessing" with him, I didn't express myself well. I guess because right now, my thoughts are obsessive. I might go overboard in talking about it as it is pretty much almost always on my mind at this point. I didn't meant to imply that you are obsessing.

[Aussie Chick]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Hi Sunshine, could it be that you love him so much that you don't want to let him down, let him see you being what you probably think is weak and may be worried he will think less of you or love you less? Or that it may hurt him to see you like that.

I think you are protecting him.

Is it not the same way that Mothers play down being hurt or ill in front of their kids because they don't want to have to deal with the emotional backlash that it causes when you have enough to deal with trying to get yourself through.

Just a thought anyway.
AC x x x

[upnorthgirl]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Sunshine

Seems to me, girlfriend, that Mr. W. is reaching out (in his man way) and opening the door for your trust and confidence. He asks you about it and about you. My husband rarely brings it up unless I do and even then, is not comfortable with it.

I think (personal opinion here) that if you are in such a good relationship, you owe him honesty--even the ugly parts. You will not be letting him down and I feel he probably already knows/understands more than you give him credit for. It is pretty obvious that he loves the person you are.

I also agree with Aussie--are you trying to protect him? Save his feelings? What's going on there (psycho analysis time :H)

Maybe you owe him the chance to take care of your when you are weak.

[gyco]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

sunshine my fella northerner,the lack of understanding,you no whats wrong with you,they just want you better,alcoholism is the most misunderstood illness,people including us want to be better,but when we drink were chastised, and when were sober again,the famous old question,cmon you can have one,damned if you do, and damned if you dont,ive gone thro this with a fine partner,33 years,she is just learning how to understand and deal with it,one thing ive learned over the last almost year,is family dont want to talk about it,till you slip,then hell brakes loose,ive said it b4,i dont have a problem stopping,its staying stopped,that i believe why groups of people with same,illness which it is,have to come together and talk,we will always be frond upon,they've seen us at are worst,a lot of times we dont remember,take it in stride,it is a long journey,i think people call it humbling ones self,how you doing today ,positive thought i am fine, thanks for asking,makes you feel good that's all that matters you gyco by the way have a wonderful day

[savon19]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

I think one of the main problems about telling friends, etc. about not drinking is that IF you fall, you then appear weak or whatever to them... so it's easier Not to tell!!

That's why this site is so great; we can openly discuss anything we want without repurcussions... Altho, it still doesn't feel Good to say we've "failed" - even here!

But the support here is wonderful.

[Sweaty Betty]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

I tried to talk to my Parents today. I was online with my Mom and kept on bringing up the fact I was really pleased that I had so many days AF in Jan, and telling her about my charm bracelet etc. She wouldn't entertain any discussion apart from the fact that she 'hadn't had any wine for weeks'. With my Mom if you don't talk about it, it isn't happening. I then tried bringing it up on the phone with my Dad (they're divorced), who told me there was no way I was an alcoholic so why was I worried? I have a good relationship with my Dad, and I eventually managed to get him to 'congratulate' me on my AF days and understand a bit more - we ended up laughing which was good. My husband is supportive, but I share more on MWO than I do with him. Not sure why. B.

[sunshine_gg]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

I think Aussie Chick.. you've got a point.. don't think it's so much wanting to 'protect' him as it is not wanting to show weakness on my part and have him think less of me. Yep. That sounds about right.

And Upnorth... Damn, that's not really what I wanted to hear! LOL
But you're right... and THAT'S why it's been bugging me, I think. He really IS Mr. Wonderful and I probably DO owe him complete honesty.

And yes, I also have a problem with someone 'taking care' of me... just not my style... I've always taken care of myself and others. (And what a FINE job I did with that, eh?)

Savvy, you're right... it's not easy to admit failure, no matter where or to whom. And, I don't think we need to tell anyone that isn't really really close... you know what I mean? I have 3 friends, really... that know me quite well and have always been there - in good times and bad. Beyond those 3, I wouldn't even consider telling anyone.

Betty, I'm so glad you ended on a happy note with your dad

Thank you all for your input. Upnorth, hon, you may have given me the push to open up more to him.

[A Work in Progress]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

This has been a very good thread. I am currently single and so I am not facing the decision about talking to a partner; I have an ex-partner who knows I have quit, knew I was drinking way too much. I feel no desire to go into it further, one reason the relationship did not last is the ex's very poor listening and communication skills...

I do think that shame is behind our reluctance to talk with people about where we have been, how dark it is, and how difficult it is to pull ourselves out of the abyss. We know that, despite general lip service paid to the "disease model" (a topic for another post), society overall just does not "get it" and most people, through no fault of their own, really do not understand why we can't just stop at two, like they do. It is easy for them to do that.... they cannot conceive of why it is not easy for us. It's as if we just can't stop eating cherry lifesavers, we hoard them, we hide them, we lie about them, we spend too much money on them, we miss work because we are home eating them, we eat them till we throw up... etc.

The shame, and getting past the shame, are biggies, both as to getting into and staying with recovery, and as to communicating with others about "our problem."

Most of my friends have known me for 25 years or so, and know that I have been a very heavy drinker, episodically. I am very fortunate, in that they are not heavy drinkers, and when I tell them I am not drinking, because it had gotten to be too much for me, and I am being careful about my health, they are just fine with that. They have their one or two glasses of wine, and I have my green tea.

[Blanchieboo]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Sunshine, I am also a person who has always taken care of herself. I think that makes it hard for us to open up about our problem. I know for me, I don't want anyone to see my weaknesses, so to open up and ask for help is really difficult. I think it also makes it more real to talk about it, and that makes our feelings go into overdrive. I drink to make those feelings go away, it is very painful to let them surface.
When I talk to my husband about it, I feel very ashamed, embarressed, weak, small, vulnerable.....
But, he loves me, just like your husband loves you, and he doesn't judge, so each time I talk about it, it gets a little easier.
You are doing really great. Keep up the good work, I dont know if you realize how much you inspire people.

[upnorthgirl]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

independent AND stubborn!

Oh, yeah--I have fought hard to be independent and strong and I hate to give it up. hate to let anyone see me cry or fail--I wonder if they will judge me to be weak...and worse, use it against me later!

The following is an old poem (can't remember the writer) but it does apply to this situcation, I think.
He drew a circle that shut me out.
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win.
We drew a circle that brought him in.

And if that doesn't work, remember, Mommy said to share!

[sunshine_gg]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Stubborn? I prefer persistent...

:l Blanchie... Yes, I know exactly how you feel... you totally nailed it! Small, weak, vulnerable. SO not what I care to portray. Thank you - I hope I'll be able to share like you do, eventually at least

Upnorth... I am NOT stubborn! Hrmpfh.
And, sometimes I even share!

[upnorthgirl]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Noooo--I am stubborn. And too damn independent to boot.:stomper:

How could I call an angel like you stubborn???:wings:

[sunshine_gg]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Beats me..... :H

How ya holding up today, girl?

[dill]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Hey, UNG, I have always like that short poem, too! It was written by Edwin Markham. I use another one of his in my signature line. So, are you calling our girl SS a rebel?!!

[Blanchieboo]

Discussing AL with your loved ones

Sunshine shiney shine.....You share so much. You have helped me to be able to let out some hard to face truths too.
Up north....how goes that battle? I am sooooo stubborn too..... and I am NEVER wrong!!!!! lolol
dill, I like the poem. We are sista's and brothers from other mothers!