I don't know how many times I've said that to myself. Well, there's tonight... and last Sunday, and... Too many times to remember.
Whilst my history hasn't been full of the horrors I have read/heard, drinking has been a constant companion for the greater part of my adult life. It has affected my relationships to the extent that I am on the verge of losing the most important person in my life, and that scares me.
I detest (thats not too strong a word) my inability to moderate this. If I start to drink I often just carry on until there's none left, be it a bottle of wine or a bottle of gin.
I am a secret drinker and I detest the secrecy. It has made me two people and I yearn to be whole and free.
Two years ago my adopted mother drank herself to death and yet I persist.
I recently approached my doctor for help who pointed me in the direction of a "day cente" to get detoxed and advised I contact AA. There were problems with his course of treatment - 1. I am not physically dependent or at least I suffer no withdrawals should I cease drinking so why would I need a detox? and 2. My business would evaporate PDQ if it were known I had been hanging out at the "day centre." I have experience of AA - I attended for a while and though I didn't drink I really couldn't reconcile much of its message with either my own experince or better judgement.
So, at least as far as the local medical profession is concerrned, for me there is no treatment, no help other than AA. Which is why I was so heartened to come across this site and you and your stories.
My plan is to abstain while I learn a bit more about all this.
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