Beginning of a Journey and already tired

[Joanna]

I am new here. I'm 43 and live in the UK. I've been drinking up to a hundred units a week for a few years (white wine) starting early evening and staying up late on my own carrying on until the bottles are empty. One night I wet the bed in front of my children and didn't even remember what I'd done. I blamed it on the dog. How shameful is that? I hated myself every morning but was functioning OK holding down a job managing a bookshop although feeling crap until had masked it with caffeine.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with a brain condition (cavernous angioma) which is a threat to my life. So I thought what the hell. I may die anyway; the self destructive attitude spiralled . I just didn't care; I was clinically depressed. My friends drink a lot; I used this to justify my behaviour. I still have difficulty accepting how bad it was; I haven't arrived there yet. I felt I deserved it; a great treat and making me feel really good until I didn't care any more.

Now I've got a prescription for Campral been on it for 4 or 5 days and have not anything for 20 days. I've been here before but always started again. I haven't been out of the house for three weeks ; I'm afraid to face real life without a drink I can do it but only if I stay in bed between 5 and 9 and drink cups of tea. Can I do it in real life? When I come back from the bookshop I just want to reach for the bottle. The other thing is I'm not eating either as if I am trying to punish myself somehow.

I have two girls 7 and 11; a tolerant husband and a good if boring home life. How am I going to get myself into a non drinking frame of mind ? I feel like I can do 30 days but will start again on Day 31; right now the motivations aren't there. I'd love to be a moderate drinker but I'm not sure if this is an option for me. I feel tired and self pitying!

:new: I think this site is great by the way. Thanks if you've read this x: Jo

[A Work in Progress]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Joanna, welcome, it's great you are here. Becoming a part of this community will help you tremendously to built a plan for a good life... not just a life white-knuckling, and NOT drinking... but with an emphasis on the positive. Check out the MWO book; the "Tool Box" thread (in the forum listings it is under "Goals" > "Monthly Abstinence"), and the Daily AF (alcohol-free) thread; there are other daily threads here you will be very welcome to join, as well.

[matthen]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Johanna -- glad you found this site. It has a subtle way of helping people get sober one day at a time. Stay with it, even if you slip along the way. Getting sober, as you well know, is a process. Good luck and God bless. Looking forward to hearing from you.

[joesgal]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Joanna, welcome, you will find alot of good advice here and you can do this. I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way, you aren't alone now that you have found t his site. joesgal

[startingover]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Hi Jo, I am glad you are here. This is a fantastic place for support and hopefully will give you the encouragement to turn your life around. Start with 30 days, and while you are doing that, notice the changes, notice how you feel and take that time to learn about the many benefits of living a sober life. It is scary to start, and life wont become perfect instantly, but it will be a starting point for you to begin to sort things out a bit

[dexterhead]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Joanna, sounds like you might still be depressed, are you on any meds for that or seeing a therapist? IN any case, welcome to you, stick around.:welcome:

[Joanna]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Thanks so much for all your replies and I did find something really useful on the tool Box about 'Do I deserve a drink today?'. Guess I am at the stage of Deprivation at the moment where a drink is seen as a reward, something I have earnt or deserve. Need to move to Gratitude stage where am glad to be not drinking because of the havoc it wreaks!

Need to assimilate the sobriety into my life so that I can still continue to function rather than lying in bed gritting my teeth trying to get through it. That won't work!

And yes I do suffer from clinical depression and have been on Cymbalta (duloxetine) for three years. I've just discovered however that there may be a link between the SSRIs of which this drug is a type and cerebral bleeding. With my neurological condition, this is an absolute no-no. I have heard the side effects of withdrawal from this drug can be bad so have had to make a decision to taper off as slowly but as quickly as I can if that makes any sense.

A close friend has said you are trying for too much at the same time; off the Cymbalta and the booze and on the Campral causing me to withdraw into myself like a hibernating animal. Well I guess she may be right but she is a heavy drinker/smoker herself and not a good role model for me right now. :thanks:

[Marshy]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

:welcome: Joanna

So you've gone 20 days without drinking? That's great! I was drinking about 100 units a week too. Going from that to zero is a big change, so if you need to go to bed with a cup of tea and grit your teeth for a while, so be it! I used to spend hours in the bath in the early days. It does take a while to adjust.

Also, that old saying "one day at a time" is helpful. Try not to think what's going to happen after 30 days, 40 days etc. I found my motivation strengthening over time as I started to feel better.

[Shikakai]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Thanks, Marshy...

[last call]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Marshy

What are units? Ounces? I'm in the US.

[aprilmoon]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Hey Joanna,

You are further along than I am. You have 20 days and I have 12. We can do this together. Read and Post that was the first advice I got here, so I'm giving it to you.

There is nothing you are going thru that somebody here hasn't already gone thru.

Best of luck to you.

[kaponium]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Welcome, Joanna - hang in here with us and you will find strength, compassion and understanding - especially in the tough moments. Great to have you here!

[Mrs Donovan]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Hi Joanna - I have just joined the site too - I'm also from the UK with 2 daughters

I can really feel your pain and desperation. It seems like there is a lot on this brilliant site to help us and I hope you find peace really really soon.

I would love to read that 'do I deserve a drink today'? you mentioned but can't find it on the Tool Box. Is it on a particular page?
Sorry and thanks x

[Joanna]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Do you deserve a drink?

Hey Mrs Donovan

I've copied it here; I hope no-one minds. It was written by Work in Progress; really helpful. Thanks for everyone's comments. The evenings are the worst between 5 and 9pm. I don't think the Campral is making it any easier. How long does it take to start working? I've been on it about a week and only have 2 weeks supply. I'm tired in the day but mood is OK and just feel like crying in the evening drinking tea. Day 23 today


Do You "Deserve" a Drink, Today?

I can't count the number of times I have seen someone come here and write a post in which s/he says that s/he has relapsed, or "slipped," because s/he had been doing well for a while, and decided that s/he "deserved" a drink.

And our alcoholic thinking does this to us. It totally bypasses the memory of the devastation, humiliation, and destruction that alcohol has brought into our lives, and it presents alcohol as a GOOD thing, a prize, a reward, something we want to give ourselves for a job well done.

I wrote a post a few days ago, about this way of thinking, but it was kind of buried in another thread. And I saw people talking about "deserving a drink," again today. What I wrote about was about changing our way of thinking from this self-destructive "Deprivation Mode" to a winning, successful, positive "Gratitude Mode." Here it is:

I don't think we can begin to truly grow into a successful, lifetime, AF plan until we have managed to make the shift in our thinking from the "Deprivation Mode" to the "Gratitude Mode."

In Deprivation Mode, we think alcohol is a good thing that we are being deprived of. We are sad, and grieve the loss of what had felt like a friend to us. We consider it a treat that we never get to give ourselves again. We are envious of others who "get to drink."

In Gratitude Mode, we recognize that alcohol is (for us, because of our brain structure, genetics, physiology, etc.) a toxin, a poison, something that nearly destroyed us. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. We recognize that we have the most amazing opportunity to rid ourselves of something that makes us very sick in all those ways. We recognize the craziness of voluntarily damaging our brains, minds, bodies, families, jobs, futures. We are really, really grateful for that opportunity, and we guard it and cultivate it carefully.

Most of us start a recovery program in deprivation mode. Some people stay there forever. Those people tend not to be able to create a consistently successful program, or life, of freedom from alcohol and its devastation. Some of us transition into gratitude mode.

For most of us, Gratitude Mode does not just happen all by itself. We have to make it happen. If we want to shift into gratitude mode, we learn to cultivate it. We cultivate it by being careful about our thoughts, and about what we notice. If we find ourselves thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a drink, we deliberately shift attention away from this train of thought, and we deliberately choose to think about how good it is to know we will never humiliate ourselves with alcohol again, never again have another horrible hangover, never disappoint our children again with the way we are when we get drunk. We notice alcohol advertising, pay attention to how it makes us feel, and detach from the message by noticing how distorted the message is.

That kind of thing is crucial. We literally can BUILD a new way of thinking and feeling about things. And I think that's something to be grateful for, in itself!

[Mrs Donovan]

Beginning of a Journey and already tired

Thanks a lot for that Joanna. That's good reading. You know I started trying to live without alcohol this Saturday (my trigger time is 4pm-7pm and I've been sinking a bottle and a half of wine alone every evening for the past 3 years). It felt uncomfortable not drinking on a weekend night and I slipped up yesterday and drank a bottle of red wine (because my husband went to the pub to watch the footie leaving me alone with the kids) - I felt awful about it this morning, so guilty and depressed I'd lain awake from 5am just going over in my head how much I want to stop abusing myself like this.

So today I decided to stop punishing myself and planned some little treats instead. I got myself a really nice dinner, magazine, a chocolate treat (i need to diet but seriously, one thing at a time!) I kissed and cuddled the kids loads, told them I loved them and then when they were in bed I had a really lovely bath and a face mask and feel great - I've decided to put the money I'm going to save from not buying alcohol towards some really special bath oil and face stuff and make this my new focus and 'reward' after a long day. Lord knows I've looked like shit for so long!

I'm going to invest in some decent supplements too as I've read glutamine can help with cravings.

Why don't you go all out and treat yourself to some really nice things!