I feel so helpless - a failure

[Snapdragon]

Why am I such a failure? Giving up drinking is SO important if I ever want to have any life at all. My partner (who I love so much) actually said that he can?t see us having a future if I continue to drink ? and I really can?t blame him. I?m absolutely horrible when I drink. I make my whole family suffer and I love them all so much. WHY CAN?T I STOP?? I promised my partner that I would stop drinking last week ? that I valued our relationship so much that I wouldn?t risk jeopardising it (and when I said it I really meant it). But then I go two or three days without a drink and can?t stop myself from buying another bottle of wine.

Something that WIP said strikes true with me. I obviously am not committed enough to giving up AL ? really can?t want it enough to make a real go of it. This happened years ago when I gave up smoking. I tried and tried for years (even had hypnotherapy) but couldn?t give up. Then one day, I moved house and decided that I would never smoke again ? and I never have. I need that same resolve with drink.

Last night was a very low point for me. I invited my partner and his boys for a meal and knew I shouldn?t have a drink because it would spoil the evening. Told myself that one glass wouldn?t hurt ? and of course that ended up with me drinking the whole bottle of wine. Then to hide the fact that I had been drinking wine (obviously my breath would smell of AL), poured a small glass of cider and pretended that was all I was drinking. He isn?t stupid though and was very quiet all evening and left much earlier than normal. Then I couldn?t sleep all night with worry that he will now end it all with me. I feel so stressed and depressed today.

Please help me. I?ve tried taking all the supps but they don?t seem to help. I get three days down the line and the craving is so bad, I give in. How do you all manage to do it? Even if I could go a whole week AL free, I would feel that I had achieved something. I want to give up drinking ? never touch a drop of the evil, life wrecking liquid again.

Sorry for rambling ? I just feel like a hopeless failure. :upset:

[DeeBee]

I feel so helpless - a failure

You have to wanna do it for YOU! You can't do it for your partner or anyone else. I spent a good year pretending to my hubby that I had it under control when really I was just doing it to keep the peace with him and the minute his back was turned I'd go on a bender.

Stick around Snapdragon and keep reading and posting. There is so much inspiration here.

[Guitarista]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Hiya Snap.
And you're not a failure. But are you serious about giving up? When is enough, enough? Sounds like you've got a whole lot more reasons than i did for stopping drinking. When i'd had enough, after repeatedly stopping and starting, and knowing the next stop for me was the gutter, pride kicked my butt. Who was i to whinge, moan and complain with my lot. I have a functioning mind, a body that works well enough, people who love me. How dare i disrespect myself, my family, and humanity. What a selfish, greedy bastard i was. I took stock of myself, got myself a plan, and just feckin' did it. I chose a day to start, one without anything going on, prepared/educated/psyched myself up. Snap, there's no easy way. You just gotta go for it!
I wish you well on your journey.......................G.

[Sweaty Betty]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Hi Snapdragon. Do you keep wine in the house or do you buy it specially? Everyone is different, and I don't feel able to give advice, but I will share something I did. I had a couple of days AF and then I bought a single 250 ml bottle of wine. If I'd bought the big bottle I wouldn't have been able to resist, but having the small one took away the panic, and I felt able to have more AF days .Since finding MWO I haven't had any AL at home, and am now on a self imposed 30 day AF stretch. Keep reading and posting, you're not a hopeless failure, but you do need a plan. B. x

[A Work in Progress]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Snapdragon, I'd guess that everyone here has "failed" and FELT like a "failure" many times. I certainly have; and it took me a very long time to finally put the alcohol away and get on with life. It sounds as if the time for you to do so is right now... I hope so.

Remember that the "feeling" of commitment isn't always as strong as we would like it to be; that's why having a plan (as others have mentioned) is SO important. For most people, getting and keeping ALL alcohol out of the house, at least for the first few months, is very important. Planning and doing things that are inconsistent with drinking, during the times that you have the strongest urges to drink... also very important. Coming here and posting, and reading a lot, is important. Refusing to allow yourself to think about and fantasize about drinking, or to romanticize and idealize the drinking experience, is incredibly important. Creating and using some effective methods to fight cravings is hugely important. All of these things are pretty much laid out for you in various parts of the "tool box" thread. Look at the "how to get a plan" post, and the "gratitude mode versus deprivation mode" post, OK? Then come back and talk with us some more.

[Willow Fairy]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Hello everyone I'm Willow fairy

I have been struggling with this problem for so many years. I have finally realized (after so many horrendous episodes for myself and my family) that is time to admit that as much as I try to trick myself into "oh I can have just one glass of wine" this is not true. I am so happy to have found this forum because I too have felt helpless, a failure, a social freak and all the rest. I have a supportive husband and a lovely daughter at home but I am finding that unless one has experienced the hopelessness of having an addiction it is hard to grasp the reality of it. It sucks! I feel so alone because I don't know anyone else around me who suffers from this problem and I am trying to sort it out I just feel like I could use a bit of support from those who understand what it's like. I am a respectable (most of the time) normal stay at home mom with this terrible secret that isn't such a secret due to my anti social behavior once I've had a drink (because I can't just have one! One is to many and 10 isn't enough if you understand where I'm coming from). A good bottle of wine to me is one on my own! I can go days, weeks and sometimes months without a drink and that's where the danger lies for me because then I start convincing myself that I can have just one glass of wine because I feel so good and so strong and I haven't had a drink in ages and I deserve to and all that crap that just leads to me drinking myself legless and making a complete ass of myself and embarrassing my husband and making my daughter nervous. Then comes remorse, self loathing, feelings of failure, like I'm the biggest looser to walk the planet, crap wife, crap mother, crap person GOD! I''m so sick of this cycle. I want off this ride! Blahhh! So here I am hoping that my story can help someone and that your stories can help me because to be honest I feel like a 2 headed monster and that the entire world (my small town) is going "AHHH! never seen one of those before" probably because it's the way I feel inside. Not suicidal or anything but sometime I think death would be kinder as I feel I'm being buried alive.
Is there anyone out there that can relate?

[Lucy Van Pelt]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Snap- My heart goes out to you. Your cries of frustration and confusion sound soooo familiar to me. Snap, I was like you for so long I can't begin to tell you. I wanted to rid of this thing SOOO badly (but only until drink time) and then my mind would just do a complete turn around...and I would drink. I would tell myself ALL sorts of lies, such as " I will only have one" and invariably would drink my fill of alcohol. I let down my husband and (most shamefully) my children. All I can tell you is this: First, I had to really, really, get to the point that I hated alcohol more than I liked it. But truthfully, that alone was not enough. I had to come to a completely honest realization, that I DO NOT have control over alcohol. Once I start to drink, I will invariably end up where I started...drinking more than I wanted to and being remorseful about it. Maybe not THIS time, but invariably it would happen. This took me so many years to finally get though my thick skull.

I did use other tools along the way, which helped. I now go to AA, which I was VERY reluctant to do, but finding certain aspects of it very helpful.

The one thing to remember is...NEVER give up. If it FINALLY happened to me, it can happen to you too. I am now approaching 70 days without alcohol, and truly never want to go back....and I was drinking every night for many, many years. And it took me many, many years of frustrated trying until I was finally able to do this.

Feel free to PM me if you want

Beth

[Lucy Van Pelt]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Willow-
We were cross posting.

You are so not alone. Trust me on this. This is one way AA has truly helped me. I can hear my story from so many others.

If you met me on the street, you would not know my "secret". I am a respectable, highly educated, married loving mother of 2. I was shocked to find that others at AA looked just like me. I am NOT trying to push AA here, just that you seem to feel alone in this, and it has helped me, so I am sharing it.

Love,

Beth

[Evie.Lou]

I feel so helpless - a failure

I wanted to stop more than anything else that i could have ever wanting in my whole life..
for me wanting wasn't powerful enough to make it happen. I needed a chemical helper to take the craving away. The MWO book has a GREAT plan layed out...have to tried to follow that ?? I also found that Naltrxone stops my binge in just a few days. others have told me it has been the only thing that gave them the power to stop. I then went to baclofen as a maintains med that seems to have no bad side effects for me. I now only take the MWO sups and have had great success at regaining my health thru that. I desire to drink is gone and I am learning to love life and love myself again. that is what worked for me.

[brightlite]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Count me in. In the failure department that is....and Willow Fairy, I know how you feel about the small town...2 headed monster thing. Yes...tired of it all....and I feel like the biggest failure sometimes. I'm single though and oh you can imagine the small town chatter. Just feel like I want to pack up and move away from it all. Of course, running away is not the answer. I do have wonderful children and maybe one really close friend here. Just got to keep trying to beat this beast.

[shelley]

I feel so helpless - a failure

hello snap

i know exactly how you feel. i am still struggling with alcohol - i noticed you asked "how do you all do it?" you will find that some people here are doing it and some people are still struggling as you are. as i said i am still struggling, but remember that anybody who has reached their goal before we have has had to struggle just the same as we are doing now. we are on the right path coming here and i'm sure one day i'll see you at the top of the hill!! love and strength to you shelley xxxxx


willow - this goes for you too!

[HockeyMom]

I feel so helpless - a failure

I can relate

Dear Hopeless: I can completely understand your feelings - it sounds exactly like what I am dealing with. I had a wonderful weekend with my husband and kids, great Valentine's Day, and nice Sunday. Then Sunday night I bought a bottle of wine on the way home, and proceeded to drink the whole thing, while watching a movie with my son. My hubby was on the computer all night, and in my buzzed state, I decided he was ignoring me. I always get overemotional and angry at him when I'm drinking. He is the sweetest, most loving man in the world, but he's sick of the ups and downs. He said today that he doesn't want to talk to me when I'm drinking, because we never get anywhere. I am so mad at myself! Why can't I control my urges and just be happy living the great life I have SOBER! Depressed and sad. :new:

[BecomingMeAtLast]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Snap, Willow & Hockey,

I can't add much here except to say that each of us have our own way and it's important for you to find yours. What may work for one person may not work for another one but I think it's vital to never ever give up. To try every avenue possible to find YOUR way out. I think I hear some depression and anxiety in all three of your posts. That was me several months ago. It was the drinking and me not taking proper care of myself. Think of each drink as taking one pill which depresses you. That's exactly what AL does. It's a depressant. After time, you will become depressed from drinking too much. There's no avoiding it for most people.

And, for me, as I was becoming depressed and not listening to my body (slow down! stop!) I became anxious due to drinking. I had my first panic attack after a night of drinking. I just felt so low and felt as if I couldn't handle things anymore. What I couldn't handle was the stress the drinking was putting on my poor old tired body!

The depression can only lift in the absense of AL. The more AF days you can put in, the better. If, and when, you slip, don't beat youself up. It does no good. Simply pick yourself back up and put in another AF day. And another. And another. Take supplements to enhance your mood, especially b complex vitamins.

You can do this. It is within you. First the AL goes, then the depression. I went back to my doctor and am on Lexapro again and it helps. I'm putting in more and more AF days and it helps. My anxiety is gone. I'm walking proof that it can be done. Am I perfect? No. Do I slip? Yes. Will I let AL run my life anymore?

No.

Take care, feel free to PM me any time.
Be

[Snapdragon]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Thank you so much for all of your kind words - I didn't realise that so many of us are in exactly the same boat and I am totally inspired by those of you who were like me and have managed to give up the booze.

Willow & Hockey - maybe we can support each other. I really considered going to my doctor today - even rang the appointment line, but hung up before it was made. I am really reluctant to go. I did before and was made to feel totally unworthy - was basically told to pull myself together and given anti-depressents.

I've decided to call into my local gym on the way home from work to find out how much it costs to join. If I were to go to that a few evenings a week it would give me something to think about, other than drinking, and I might even get a bit fitter.

I will definately keep posting - hopefully you will all be able to keep me on track. :thanks:

[lil.michelle]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Hi hun.
I'm sooo sorry you're feeling like this.
I really do know the feeling. I used to be the biggest BITCH to my hubby, aggressive and violent. Almost lost him and my child.
People say you need to WANT to give up drinking to be able to but i did, i just found it almost impossible. I had to find ways to keep myself busy, to educated myself, learn and understand that a drink, even if just one or a bottle does no good. It doesn't help, it doesn't make up happy, it just causes problems.
Making plans for the day really helps. Keep busy, stay away from anywhere that sells drink.