I feel so helpless - a failure

[HockeyMom]

I feel so helpless - a failure

How did this happen?

Hey Willow, Snap, Lil Michelle and Becoming Me,

Thanks for the encouraging words! It is so isolating having these secrets. It is good to hear from other strugglers. I am even afraid to share the full truth with my husband, because what if he ends of leaving me, and then he'll use it against me in court to try and get my son! (I'm a lawyer, so I think of these things!) I have always been such a productive, responsible person and never had a problem drinking until the last few years. I had three teenage daughters, with serious emotional issues themselves (eating disorders, depression,etc.), and with all the worry and stress, I got in the habit of drinking a glass of wine after work to calm my nerves. Then after my son was born in 2002, I stayed home from work to be with him for five years, and I started to feel worthless and unappreciated (and overweight, unattractive, etc.) My wine habit continued each night, and when my doctor husband stayed late at work until 7:00 or 8:00, I had already had 3 glasses by the time he got home, which does not help in the communication department. I just don't understand how I got to this position, and now that my life has calmed down and I'm back to work, I still can't kick the habit. There is alcoholism in my family, so i know it's genetic. And I live in a small town too, so I know how hard you try to keep things secret, lest it hit the rumor mill. I also go without alcohol for days or weeks, and then feeling strong, decide I can handle it again. WRONG! It never turns out well, so why are we so gullible? I look forward to sharing these fears and struggles with you -- it seems like none of my friends are in the same boat, or they are not talking about it!!

[AstraiaJ.]

I feel so helpless - a failure

It takes many tries for a lot of us

Snapdragon and all,
One thing I've learned from others and from my own experience the last several months is that it takes several tries. I'm not using that as an excuse for drinking, I'm only saying that there are several people on here, myself included, who have been successful but only after some "fits and starts."

It took time for me to learn that third day was my downfall. The first day I'd feel like I had a mild flu, and then the second day I would feel much better. That day I would think, "What's wrong with you? See how good this feels? Why do you keep going back?" Then .. the third day. Craving-o-mania. It was as if my body would catch up to the fact that it wasn't getting its evening wine fix every night, scream "WTF???" and send me into fits, particularly at the "witching hours" (5-9 pm). OK. So having realized that, I made a plan for that third night, 5-9. I made sure it wasn't on a Friday night (those are still hard, but I'm making it!) I made a plan for what I would do to keep myself busy until 9:00, since I noticed that if I made it until then, I could just go to bed (have to be up in the morning by 5:30, so that works for me). I made a plan for what I would do when the cravings hit, what I would tell myself. AND, ta da, I made it three days -- not easy but I did it. The next time I tried, using the same method, for four days. And so forth. I am being successful now -- no AL since early January. But it's been a long tough road.

This is just my story. But I know that most of us didn't just start problem drinking yesterday, so it makes sense that some of us also will take a bit of time to stop. Some may need to just quit, cold turkey. But whatever your road, try not to bring the "failure" word into it -- maybe instead, "I am becoming successful, on step at a time."

[HockeyMom]

I feel so helpless - a failure

AstraiaJ,

Why is it that the early evening hours are so tempting? I just idolize the idea of relaxing after work with a glass of wine and some cheese and crackers. It's SO hard not to do that! I feel like I deserve it after working hard all day. But then it always leads to 1,2,3,or 4 glasses and then I make stupid mistakes. It's so true, if I stay away from home, or have an event to attend, and I can make it to 9:00 or so, I can go to bed without it (and sleep so much better!) But, i have a 6 year old son, so I can't always keep him away from home till 9:00!!

HockeyMom

[AstraiaJ.]

I feel so helpless - a failure

I can relate to that

HockeyMom, can I ever relate to that feeling. For me it was tempting because let's be honest, after a day at work it just felt so GOOD to kick back with the Chardonnay. I always cursed the fact that it felt so enjoyable, because I knew that if it didn't I wouldn't have had such a hard time quitting. Wouldn't it be easier if it felt like crap to take a sip? But alas, it feels great. Until the next day. The problem for me, like you, is that it would always turn into LOTS of Chardonnay. Like someone else said last week, I'm also a peaceful drunk -- just become mellow until I fall asleep for the night (my husband confirms this). But as time went on, I began to not tolerate it well (waking up for half the night all sweaty and so forth). Time to quit. In the beginning I tried bringing home the small one-serving bottle of wine (a good idea that I know has helped many on here), but for me, it didn't work because I would inevitably head up to the store for more. So, I found my own way that worked.

It's hard when you have six-year old at home -- my own son is a teenager now so it's easier. But remembering back to those days, I'm wondering if you might try to find some things that would keep you both busy in the evenings (just to make it to that 8-9 pm time?)

Someone else on the forums mentioned trying to focus on the next morning when the witching hour comes -- how you want to wake up all refreshed and not mad at yourself on a weekday, how you want to get up and make the most of a Saturday morning on the weekend, etc. That also works for me. It was hard during those craving moments to say to myself "Wow, I'll feel great at 30 days AF!" because it seemed like an eternity during those moments. But visualizing the next morning, that I could do. Hang in there!

[HockeyMom]

I feel so helpless - a failure

AstraiJ:

I can't believe Chardonnay is your wine of choice - Me too (LOL!) Not that it's something to be proud of, but it makes me relate better to you. I used to be able to drink red wine in moderation since I don't like it so much, but not anymore. Any wine seems to work. I will try and create activities in the early evenings for us, to avoid the temptation.

I know that I need to stop doing this, especially for my son. What if he got hurt and I needed to take him to the hospital, but couldn't drive. That really scares me! I also have teenage daughters - two out of the house and one at home. I know she sees what I'm doing, but she doesn't confront me on it.

I also fall asleep early with my wine. Which is bad because my hubby is a night-owl. I am a peaceful drunk also, but I seem to get very offended and hurt by my husband's actions (or lack of attention), when I'm often imagining it.

I guess all we can do is pick ourselves up and move on. I sometimes hide bottles in the garage fridge, and fill up the one in the main fridge so hubby doesn't know how much I drank. Isn't that pathetic? But now he's on to that - he said last night that he knows the one bottle upstairs is not the only one I'm drinking from. I feel like a bad kid getting caught stealing. How ridiculous!!!

Thank you for your advice. It's so helpful!

[Lucy Van Pelt]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Chardonnay was also my drink of choice. I think it is important to remember that this is not only an addiction but a bad habit. And, lets be honest, that first drink or two give us immediate gratification.

Finally being a couple of months out of this, I am here to tell you that the habit piece DOES get better-much. I don't feel that incredible longing for my wine at 5pm the way I did for more years than I care to remember.

Hope this helps

Beth

[AstraiaJ.]

I feel so helpless - a failure

More in common

HockeyMom (and Snapdragon and others who are new) I'm glad it's helpful, but honestly I am only passing on what I have learned from the many great people who have shared ideas and encouragement with me over the past several months.

HockeyMom it appears we have more in common that just the Chardonnay. I too became an expert "bottle hider." One of the things that almost made me cry for relief when I first found this site was a thread on that very subject. Here were people talking about hiding bottles in all kinds of places, filling up bottles with water so that it would look like they hadn't been drinking, drinking wine out of coffee cups to make it look like something else, covering their ears so they wouldn't hear the crashing when the recycling truck came to pick up their loads of wine bottles, strategically buying AL at different stores all the time so people wouldn't know how much they were really drinking, imagining offenses from family members that didn't happen -- all of which I had done. To this DAY I still find an occasional empty wine bottle in the bottom of an underwear drawer or some other nutty place! Like you said, not that it was something to be proud of, just a huge relief knowing that I wasn't some kind of solitary lunatic doing all of these things. I have a highly responsible administrative position, and none of my colleagues would guess that I have this struggle with AL. I felt like I was living a double life. Knowing that I had so much in common with others gave me the strength to keep trying until I was finally successful.

The best part though -- evenings are becoming a blast! Slowly I am rediscovering the many things that I thought I'd lost interest in, due to AL. Plus I've lost seven pounds! So, as pleasurable as it was to come home and sip, over time the things that are replacing it are much, much better. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be a modder, but I'm happy to say that at the moment I don't care. I NEVER would have been able say that when I first started. Just keep checking in -- c: -- the people here are soooo encouraging.

[HockeyMom]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Thanks, Beth. It will be nice when that craving habit goes away. It's such a mental game! I think when I stop giving myself permission to drink (i.e. "it's just for tonight, to wind down - i'll make another pledge to stop tomorrow"), it will be easier to stick to it.

I appreciate the encouragment.

HockeyMom

[HockeyMom]

I feel so helpless - a failure

AstraiaJ,

Wow! I thought I was the only crazy one doing all those things to hide it. I've even taken bottles to work to dump in the dumpster there so my husband wouldn't see them in our recycle bin. Then I go to my office and pretend everything is just fine. It's nuts! It is reassuring to know there are others in the same place. I just wish I had a friend in close proximity here who I could admit all this stuff to, and ask for help when I need. I will definitely keep on posting here!

Hockey MOm

[AstraiaJ.]

I feel so helpless - a failure

LOL -- I've taken the bottles to the local recycle center so they won't all be in our home bin (worried about what the recycle guys would think, when in reality they probably couldn't care less!) The last time I went to the recycle center with a boatload of bottles, a little boy was behind me and said to his mom, "Boy that lady sure must get drunk a lot!" :busted: The mom was mortified, but I have to thank that kid because I found MYO right after that!

[HockeyMom]

I feel so helpless - a failure

That is too funny! I too have been to the local recycle dump center on many occasions, and always hope I don't run into someone I know. Kids can be painfully honest, can't they? My son is young, so he still doesn't know what it means to be "drunk". That is why I can get away with it when he's this age, but I don't want to set that bad example for him. I want to show him how to drink responsibly (or not at all), so he grows up healthy. Sometimes he'll tell me things we did or that I said the night before, and I can't remember it. That is so scary for me, because he is the most precious person in my life (in addition to my three girls and husband) and I feel so responsible for him.

[AstraiaJ.]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Oh my gosh, I hated that feeling of not remembering things from the night before -- so scary. and helpless feeling. Well, it's the witchin' hour here and I've got a walking date with a neighbor so I'll sign off for now. But, speaking of witching hour, this forum is a great place during that time too, for support. Take care and "talk" to you all again soon - AJ

[savon19]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Sorry, Snappy - "Failure" is just not a word we can accept.

Welll, maybe for a moment - but only so we can step on it to gain heigth (sp?) to see above the fog. (Very bad attempt to be philosophical!! )

It's just that I see that word thrown around here so often (and it's one I use for myself)... yet, in truth, I see SUCH AMAZING PEOPLE here. People who are trying to change their lives.

Helluva lot better than some "sober" people who are PRICKS. Who never change, and who never want to.

We're in a pretty special club. I feel I am amongst people who are Better than the "norm". Who are probably more sensitive to begin with... and who want to Improve, not only their own lives, but the lives of others.

SHIT. If that ain't good, I don't know what is!!

WE, YOU, I, ME are FREAKING SPECIAL.

Just my two cents...

[Pan]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Well said Sav.

[Willow Fairy]

I feel so helpless - a failure

Hi Beth, Thanks so much for replying and for the support. I did try AA about 6 years ago but as I live in such a small community I did not find the safety of anonymity where I live it turned into more like the whispered secret of who showed up at an AA meeting so I never went back. I feel very safe here and I needed to be in a place where I could speak to other people who share this problem who are people like me (mom, wife and marginally normal). At the AA meetings in my area are full of pretty hard core people and while I sympathize and support anyone with this terrible disease I just really need to be in contact with others who live a similar lifestyle and struggle with this debilitating disease. I hope this can help to keep me strong and I hope that I can give strength to others as well.