NOT AGAIN

[Liath]

This truly is hell. I was doing great for a few weeks and then I really screwed up. My dad is an auto engineer who has recently lost his job and cant find another. He had been drinking non stop for over a week and we have all been so worried that something terrible was going to happen to him. I was feeling helpless and useless since he wont listen. But mostly, I am terrified that I will suffer the same fate. This crisis came much to soon with only a couple of weeks sober for me.

So instead of staying strong, I drank. I went to happy hour with co-workers. I was drunk and obnoxious and rude to my sis and boyfriend. And then I went out again. Blacked out left my purse with keys and wallet at a bar. (I got it back) I didnt come home that night at all. I was with a friend and nothing terrible happened. This time. I just got people upset and worried and sick of me!

Worse, I am sick of me. I still feel terrible although this was friday night. I am so ashamed of this setback. So sad that AL makes me do crazy things and my sis is fed up. What now? Just start again? Back to square 1? I just feel so hopeless right now. Help!

Liath

[Liath]

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Sunday morning and I am STILL dealing with the fall out of my big slip up. Why is this so damn hard? Why do I continue to do something that is obviously destroying me?

[Liath]

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Ah well. I am still feeling terrible. I did think I had a handle on all of this. Now I am battling a major depression. Writing about it helps a little.

The bottom line is, I need advise. How to pick up and start over again? How to get the help I need? I feel so alone in this. So out of control. I have the supplements. I was doing good for a while. But maybe its not enough...

[idbiscuit]

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Hi Liath, the only thing I can say is to quit beating yourself up. It is a new day and you just start again. It is tough. I know. I am managing to stay at about 3 glasses of wine now (just enough to feel it but not get hammered) and I wake up every morning angry at myself. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do! I can hear the anguish in your posts. Hang in there. Make amends (with yourself) and start over.

[savon19]

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Liath, I SO relate to you. The only difference is that I've been staying close to home when getting drunk... But I still manage to make a fool of myself! Recently screwed up a relationship. And, of course, because I'm sad about that... I'm drinking!!

I am unemployed (and have been for a Long time) - so have a lot of "alone" time. I sometimes think I just don't care anymore, that I've already screwed my life up so badly that there's no digging out.

So if drinking makes me feel better, even if "false" better - well, it's better than feeling TRULY bad!

I guess the good part is that the guy can't really hurt me anymore. I still feel the pain, but it's getting less.

I'm sure getting back AF would help... it's just getting to that point where I WANT to that's been hard.

I guess I wanted you to know you're not alone. I'm right there with you.

[Liath]

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It is good to know that I am not alone in this. I am going to try to pick myself up and start again. If I drink at home I am usually content with a couple of beers or whatever. If I go out... watch out. I know a lot of people who like to party and it gets out of control like 50% of the time. I am still waivering about mod vs abstinence. I cannot handle drinking out at bars though. It sucks. I never turn down a drink or a shot that is offered to me. I turn into a mess. My boyfriend is standing by me though sometimes Im not sure why. I have done plenty to sabotage the relationship. Saturday morning I was upset enough that he thought I might be suicidal. Well we all want an end to pain. Too bad that drinking is NOT the answer and only makes everything so much WORSE.

[savon19]

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I probably should write a song or a poem or Something about "self-sabotage"!!

The odd thing is that I may be some sort of Perfectionist (on some level) such that I can Never live up to my own expectations!! Sooooo, I just opt out from even trying.

Liath - not trying to steal your thunder! Just letting you know that I understand.

I have learned that "modding" isn't an option for me. I'm an ALL OR NOTHING type, it seems. Most disturbing!

But you could try it - at least for a few days and see how it goes. If you (even ONCE) go beyond modding... you may need to rethink it.

Best of luck to you. You sound more optimistic than I do at this moment... So, seeeee, you Can be worse off!

Glad you found this site, though. It is such a Good Thing (as Martha would say!)... Knowing that you can get support and people will Not judge you. We've all "been there" - even the people who have quit for long periods of time.

[hippie37]

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Liath I've heard it said that sanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results each time. I'm clearly Insane then going by that understanding but I'll never fix my problems with the same level of thinking that created them. I have to get a better understanding of my behaviour that leads me to pick up in the first place. It's not easy to admit we have a problem but it's even harder to truly accept it. I'm 20 months down the line with 3 relapses under my belt and recently had just given up on myself and was willing to accept my fate after going back to drinking nearly everyday. I even picked up the hard drugs which I haven't done in over 7 years. That's how bad things got and how my thinking nearly destroyed me once and for all. The key for me at present is being totally honest with myself and my past and being postive enough to change my attitude and accept that I can never drink safely EVER AGAIN. If I could I wouldn't be sat here typing this now would I!!!

Don't beat yourself up too much Liath it happens to us all and It's not gonna happen overnight either. It's gonna take time and effort and for me personally I feel I've had to go through these relapses to get to where I am today in order for me to finally accept things how they are.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[cyclefan]

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Liath I'm sorry to hear that you chose to drink. You asked for advice so I'm going to give you some. First of all, you need to make a realistic plan. Getting sober is not for the faint of heart. It is hard work and you need to commit to doing the work. Did you read the book My Way Out? It is very inspiring, and a lot of people have taken the plan that is laid out in the book and adapted it to use in their own life.

There is a thread here called "Toolbox." It is a sticky so it is always located in the same place: Under the Goals Section, click on Monthly Abstinence, it is always the first thread there. There's some great advice in that thread on how to use tools to help you gain your sobriety.

Find an ongoing thread here that appeals to you. It might be Newbies Nest, or the One Day at a Time thread. Or start your own. I promise you that the people who post here will do their best to help you on your journey as long as you are making your best effort at getting sober. Post and read every day. Ask questions. If you get desperate, ask someone to go onto chat with you.

So my advice to you, since you asked for advice is:

1. Read the book MWO and take onboard whatever will work for you, whether it is using pharmaceutial help like Topamax, or using supplements, or the hypnosos CD's, or exercise, or all of the above.

2. Make a realistic plan for yourself that contains achievable goals. Reward yourself when you reach a goal.

3. Stick close to us at MWO. Lots of people have achieved the life they want by doing those things.

Stop beating yourself up right now. Get proactive for yourself so that you can attain the life you want to lead. You are the only one who can do this, no one can do it for you. You have my very best wishes.

[Liath]

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its a family thing

Thanks guys. I have read the book but I think I should read it again since it was a while ago. I just need to get a few sober days under my belt so I can feel good again. The aftermath of drinking just makes me feel hopeless. God, I said that before. So, I'll try not to sound like a broken record anymore.

Savon19- Dont worry, your not stealing my thunder at all. It helps knowing there are others out there like me. And I am also a perfectionist.

Does anyone have else have this problem in their family? ON my dads side, a brother and sister had to quit entirely. Another of his sisters died in the grips of AL. Ditto with his mom. I try not to think about it but I dont want to end up like them. I dont want my dad too either but he has been at it 25 years longer than me. How do I make myself better and help him too? Or do I just have to focus on me for now and hope he figures it out for himself?

LIATH

[cyclefan]

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Liath maybe you can be the good example your dad needs to see in order to help himself. You cannot do it for him. I have alcoholism that runs for generations back in my family from both sides. My youngest sister who drinks the most of my siblings has seen what I have done and has a good plan in place now to reduce her alcohol intake. So, getting sober does inspire people.

[hippie37]

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Liath I think at this stage you have to concentrate on your own sobriety. You can't 'fix' your dad as only he can do that; as with yourself. Maybe leading by example may give him a 'jolt to the system' that wakens him up to himself.

Personally whether there is an inherent gene or not that goes back generations I still firmly believe that we are in control of our own lives. It's up to the individual to manage their addiction or addictive personality and blame cannot be put on this inherent gene. So what if it makes it that bit harder to manage our lives; we are all individuals at the end of the day and it is down to the individual through whatever means to take responsibility for their own lives. I don't mean to sound hard-faced Liath honestly. I toyed around with the semantics of my drinking and drug taking for many months rather than just getting on with the job at hand.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[Doggygirl]

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Liath, getting sober is certainly not easy, but it IS very simple. Don't drink. It took me years of drunkeness and shame and guilt and emptiness to figure it out, but it IS that simple.

I no longer worry about why I became an alcoholic, or the drinking behaviors of other people. I can be sober if I choose not to drink. Period. That is my number 1 priority each and every day - choose not to drink. The rest of life is manageable after that.

I agree with those who have suggested making a plan. There is a toolbox in the Monthly Abstinence thread that has lots of suggestions.

Best wishes to you.

DG

[Guest]

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:happyheart:Wise Words of the Day! Thank you DoggieGirl:happyheart:




"I no longer worry about why I became an alcoholic, or the drinking behaviors of other people. I can be sober if I choose not to drink. Period. That is my number 1 priority each and every day - choose not to drink. The rest of life is manageable after that." DG

[aprilmoon]

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Liath,

As far as I know I am the only person in my family with a drinking problem. My family does not even know about this so there could be others hiding this fact from me. So as far as I'm concerned my issues are self imposes and I can't blame genetics.

I agree with the posters about not kicking yourself to much. You are here for a reason. Let the words of wisdom posted here help you. (Not mine, but from the others, LOL)