Choices, choices and pain...

[coda]

Hi, me like others are new to this site. I guess my story started a long time ago. I was married to an addict. Took years and years to get out of that relationship. I never had a problem in that way myself (I was very coda though, my handle!!). But somehow, in the 10 years since that relationship ended I slowly started a regular drinking habit. Now son is older (21) and frankly, I think I down either bottles of wine or a fifth of vodka maybe every other night. I am one of those functioning people. High powered job, own my own home, etc. etc. Well, along the way, like 2 years ago, I met a great guy. He loves the bar scenes too. Like me, he has his "drinking nights" and his "sober" nights. But with us together, we get rip roaring down right wobbly slurry drunk. I think I knew in the last year at least, that I have a serious problem. I should have known when I fell down in a public place a full set of stairs. Ended up with black eyes, injured arm etc. (of course not my fault, ha). Well, that wasn't the first fall I have had, I had a few more since. Anyway, the short of the story is my son has been telling me for years now that I am a slush. I deny this of course. (he calls me other names too and he has an anger problem which is one of the reasons I like to get numb). Well, the &*&*& hit the fan this weekend. My boyfriend and I stopped at my house to take care of things, a bit bleary eyed mind you, and him and my son got into a huge fight. Knives, hatchets are out, my door is broken, etc. My son called the cops (we left premises before). Frankly, my son is no angel either. He has his own problems. But the bottom line is, I will not deny this, I know my boyfriend would not have stormed at my son if he hadn't had a few. The reasons behind it were noble but it certainly didn't turn out well.

After 3 days of discussions, my boyfriend is considering leaving me. He told his daughter the story who told him to leave me since I have "baggage". My son won't let him near my house, he'll call the cops again. I'm heartbroken. I have been looking online to get some help and found this place. So, here's the thing. I am really taking some inventory at myself. However, at this point, my boyfriend is totally sure this is all my sons fault. I was hoping to discuss with him how we both need to get away from this stuff and get AF. He said he needs to think about us, about things. Sheesh. If I lost him too, what about me? I'm going to be totally lost. I love him dearly, I don't want to lose him too. I have so many questions in my head. I do know this though. I know it is time to stop numbing myself. I'm no spring chicken anymore and it is hurting me in more ways I can count. But I don't even know if I can have this relationship, have fun, etc. without the drink. I don't know anything anymore.

I don't know what I even am asking for from folks here. Not sympathy...maybe a pat on the back that all will be ok? (my other problem is the anxiety of not know what will happen)...in some ways I wish it were a week ago and I could change what happened. In other ways, I knew it was bound to happen. Man, I know I feel totally lost. I know I love this man (he really is a good man). I can't have this man and my son together (ever now). I know I have to get away from the bottle. Ugh. Well, for who ever had the time to read this long thing here, I thank you for your time.

[bouchard01]

Choices, choices and pain...

Hi Coda ... I guess the first step is admitting that and I've done that too ... Welcome.

[coda]

Choices, choices and pain...

Thanks bouchard. Yes, I'm going to have make some changes. I moved to this computer to download the book. I haven't touched the stuff since Sunday night (the date of the incident). But I know I will be freaking out by tomorrow night with "the urges". I am going to try to use this site and reading the book, etc. to divert myself. I have to talk to my boyfriend about all this, which will be hard. He might already have made the decision to leave. He told me he just has to get through tonight so he get his ashes tomorrow morning (ash wednesday). I am not really religious and looked at the meaning of this and it means starting a new beginning. I hope that is not meaning to start it without me but to make some changes. ???? Sheesh. I will freak out if he leaves me. I don't think I have the strength to handle it.

[hope10]

Choices, choices and pain...

Welcome coda,
Your story sounds very similar to mine from the marriage to an addict and YOU not having a problem at the time, to your current relationship where the two of you really enjoy (or enjoyed) the going out and getting drunk thing. But I guess it all caught up w/ you guys.

I know you must be in such a tough place right now. It is wonderful that you realize that there is a problem and that numbing yourself with the alcohol is not the answer. Just give the situation some time and take this time to really take care of yourself. Try to stay AF, read through this site, think about trying some of the methods if you think you need to go that route to stay sober. I just started the topamax b/c I know I can't stay sober w/out the help of something. I am also doing the supplements and hypnotherapy.

My current husband has been such an enabler. He is always bringing alcohol into the house!!! I struggle, like you, wondering how we will have fun without alcohol, but I think that I have finally come to a point where I realize this can no longer go on! You will not be able to make that decision for your boyfriend but when things calm down, hopefully you guys will be able to discuss the issues that alcohol has brought to your relationship.

This really is a great place, unlike many other AA related sites where I would feel very judged!!

[coda]

Choices, choices and pain...

Thanks hope (you give me hope! ;-) and I really need some of that now). Yes, when I was going through my divorce (like the hardest thing I think I have had to get through) I too found solace and help in an online site not unlike this one. That is what put me on a search and destroy mission here. But you are right. I have so much come to the conclusion that I need some help, there's no argument there, I have to get sober and get my life in order. And I have to hope that this man whom I have already shared so much with, will be compassionate and see his way through this with me (or without). I don't think the relationship will last if I get AF and he doesn't. Well, maybe if he limits it or something. We have friends in rock bands (we are seeing them this weekend). I'll have to order diet coke or something. Don't know if I can do it. But I have to try. This madness just has to stop. Not to mention the 40 or so pounds I put on the last 5 years. The drinking surely didn't help with that either.

[Seacailin]

Choices, choices and pain...

Hello and Welcome Coda
You have taken the first steps. When you read the book, you will be able to make a plan for yourself. Check out the Toolbox Thread under Monthly Abs. Lots of helpful stuff there. I do hope that things work out with your BF. It would be great if you could do this together, but you must do this for yourself or it will not work. Let us know how we can be of help.:l

[j-vo]

Choices, choices and pain...

Coda,
You've come to the right place for support. There are people here to listen, encourage, and be a good friend. There's so much to learn, and you won't in a day, a week, or a month. It takes time, lots of it to discover what your needs are and how to make a plan to meet the needs.

[aprilmoon]

Choices, choices and pain...

Coda, my first marriage was to an alcholic. He introduced me to drinking. That was almost 30 years ago. I've gone years Af to years of binge drinking. I still blame him for it, but it's not his fault now. It's all on me.

It took me being really drunk and stupid on Jan 27th of this year to say I can't drink anymore. Hopefully the incident you went thru will make you step back and make a plan for your life.

Read and post was the advice I was given and that is what I am doing. You will see yourself in so many of the members here. There is a thread here somewhere that makes me laugh and cry at the same time. It's about stupid stuff we have done while drinking. OMGosh your falling may have been bad, but you have got to read what has happened to some of the people here, me including.

You can do this.......This website is great. The people are full of wisdom and inspiration.

I hope you do well...:l

[coda]

Choices, choices and pain...

Thanks AprilMoon. Yea, I can't blame anyone for what I do. I think I started because I was so damn lonely for so long. I walked around with a pain in my chest from it. I was so attached to my ex and his way of life that I was a nothing, empty when we called it quits. I will try to do this but my main fear is that I will lose the relationship of probably the first truly kind, wonderful person I never had before. He drinks but not like me. He likes his light beers. I have not seen him so affected as I am but it's so a part of his life (and now ours) that I fear the changes and loss that will come if I really stop altogether. This is a big decision for me, and frankly, I don't know if I can do it. But I'm going to try. I will likely not see him for a few days but the discussion has to be in person, not over a phone, so I'm holding out on the long discussion. Actually, that's what I am afraid of the most. Of losing him. (typical codependent I guess but I can't help that no matter how much I try, I love him dearly).

Well, I will need to keep myself occupied and read, and come to this site the next few days and keep away from those 4 close liquor stores near my house as my primary focus for the moment. I will need to be strong for the weekend since this is when I will need to discuss my "revelation" with him. And then, well, hopefully he will support me, us...

(I've been thinking so much over the last day or two my head hurts!)

[Lonely One]

Choices, choices and pain...

Dear Coda,
There's so much that's familiar to me in your story. I started posting here on Monday and have found such an enormous amount of support here, people who don't know me just willing to reach out and help, it's great. I hope you can find what you need here to get through some tough days, I'm sure you can do it, after all you had the courage and strength to join here and post.

I'm new to this too, and can't offer the wisdom others can, but maybe we can go arm in arm into this battle!

[polaryzed]

Choices, choices and pain...

Yes YOU CAN

Good for you for making the decision to realize there is a problem. I feel for your young son because it sounds like he had some issues growing up. (Boy do I know that feeling).

Your background sounds like you have strong characteristics. However, Alcohol seems to be weakening your personality. Take heart that you are in the right place now here at MWO, you will find support you never dreamed of.

Try to think of only Yourself in these moments of getting stronger. While you are preparing to fight the good fight You need to stay focused on YOU and Your Way Out.

:l

[hope10]

Choices, choices and pain...

Hi Coda,
How is it going today? Have you talked to your boyfriend? I really hope that things are going okay and the two of you have been able to sit down and have a chat!

[coda]

Choices, choices and pain...

Hi Hope, thanks for asking. What a day. Very hectic work wise. Also, didn't mention this before but I have added stress with taking care of my mother (she lives with me). Had to drive her in to day care after working since 7AM, did lunchtime presentation, freaking out entire day. Severe urges all afternoon but made it home just now without stopping for you know what. Anyways, I spoke (very briefly) with BF. We don't talk about anything but very surface stuff. I think we both know not to approach any serious talk without seeing each other (which won't be until the weekend as he works 2 jobs).

On that note, I'm struggling. I have a pit in my stomach since Sunday. But also, so far so good and AF since Sunday. I think about my situation half the time and the other half, I think about getting something to numb me.

I do know he planned on going to church this evening and getting ashes and doing confession and all that. He might end up talking with someone there, who knows. But I still know he is putting this whole thing on my son (who by the way never made it easy for us to begin with so he isn't all that innocent either) and we need to talk. He is to call me sometime this evening. But again, we are seriously stepping around any serious discussion. I think that will come Friday.

Problem is, will I make it to Friday. And if I do...how will I be after Friday if it isn't going in a positive direction. {{{sigh}}}.

I have to stay online or on the phone or something until at least 9PM when stores close.

[Seacailin]

Choices, choices and pain...

You are doing great Coda. Hang in there. I understand how difficult this must be for you right now. I so now what you mean about wanting to "numb" out, but that temporary numb is just not worth the "Aftermath" to me. Sending vibes of strength your way.

[coda]

Choices, choices and pain...

OK, well we talked, sort of. He thinks my son is "evil". He said he will never come to my house again but he doesn't need to in order to have a relationship. His daughter wants to meet him for dinner tomorrow and specifically requested I not join them (yes, he told her all about the incident but most likely didn't say anything that we had a few in us). On that note, I guess I will have to wait for the weekend to tell him my thoughts on getting AF. The rest of the mess of my life right now I will have to deal with later at some point. (ODAT?)...I wonder though, can you really have a relationship with someone when only one is AF? Can you really have a serious relationship when your son/daughter and your SO can never be in the same room, place, etc.? My son is older now and will have his own life at some point but seriously, can this ever work?

Ugh, my head is hurting again. What a "day 3" this is. Time to take something so I can get to sleep later....

:huh::help!