Just Wondering

[justwondering]

Hi, Just signed up because I have just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years. We have had a great connection, better than any before, for both of us, but we have one roadblock that stops us and I have finally decided to get off the roller coaster ride. He likes to drink and smoke pot and I don't. He is a musician and says it's just who he is. I say it's not "who he is", but what he choses to do. He thinks I exaggerate by saying he is an addict. I wanted to describe his usage to someone who may really be able to analyze his consumption and tell me if he really is an addict or not. His dad is an alcoholic which is the first red flag for me.
I am looking at my codependent stuff and am tired of attracting addict boyfriends. He is not a "flaming" alcoholic but I just found out that sometimes he throws ups while drinking wine. He says it's when he's with the guys and is sipping wine over a 3-4 hr time frame and then his stomach gets queezy and he goes to the bathroom and throws up. To me, that seems like more than social drinking!!! He isn't in touch! To not know your limit at age 52? He's been smoking pot since age 14 and does 3-4 x a week but goes a week or two without it. That's his justification that he isn't addicted. I just want to be with a partner who is willing to be present, not altered. That's my big gripe. He is willing to let the relationship go so that tells me where his priorities are. And that's sad. He is angry that i don't "love him for who he is".
Any help out there is appreciated!
Sincerely,
Just Wondering

[Wattle]

Just Wondering

Hi Just

I'm not going to give advice on your relationship... I'll leave that to someone else more able.... but I would like to say welcome and you will find people here who will offer support, advice and understand what you are going through...

If you get a chance jump on the chat - I find chat a really great way to communicate exactly what your feelings are and get great advice..

Wattle

[redhibiscus]

Just Wondering

Welcome to this site - we are all on a journey of selfdiscovery regarding our alcohol use. Two things that you said stick in my mind.
"I just want to be with a partner who is willing to be present, not altered." and "He is willing to let the relationship go so that tells me where his priorities are. "
I hear you saying that you want to be with someone in a relationship who is real... not high, not drunk, not anything but themselves. That is O.K. Knowing what you want is an important step in getting what you need.
The second issue is that he is willing to put his drug use before your relationship...that hurts. And it does tell you how important his use is to him. Again, it boils down to what you want in your life, knowing it and going after it. If being in a relationship with someone who is sober is what you need, then it is worth going after. I hope this helps and is not preachy.

[aprilmoon]

Just Wondering

I'm 52 years old. If I used drugs 3-4 times a week I would say I had a problem that I had a problem.

[gyco]

Just Wondering

hi just , welcom,people have many insecurities in life,number one it is not as normal , as many think,to put al and drugs into ones body,52 years young , and in the past 5 years it hasnt bothered you,b4,i dont think its all about his use of substances,i no mine and my wife s werent,weve been married 33 years this year,until i was subjected to treatment last year,it was my rt to do what i did,going gave me a better understanding of what my rites were really about,you did say it was a good connection,sometimes councilling is good,a 3rd opinion,i wish you well gyco

[justwondering]

Just Wondering

Hi, thank you.
Jan

Wattle;557826 wrote: Hi Just

I'm not going to give advice on your relationship... I'll leave that to someone else more able.... but I would like to say welcome and you will find people here who will offer support, advice and understand what you are going through...

If you get a chance jump on the chat - I find chat a really great way to communicate exactly what your feelings are and get great advice..

Wattle

[justwondering]

Just Wondering

Gyco;558076 wrote: hi just , welcom,people have many insecurities in life,number one it is not as normal , as many think,to put al and drugs into ones body,52 years young , and in the past 5 years it hasnt bothered you,b4,i dont think its all about his use of substances,i no mine and my wife s werent,weve been married 33 years this year,until i was subjected to treatment last year,it was my rt to do what i did,going gave me a better understanding of what my rites were really about,you did say it was a good connection,sometimes councilling is good,a 3rd opinion,i wish you well gyco

Hi thanks for your reply. It actually HAS been a problem for me all along and my mistake is that I didn't end it at the 4 mos. mark when I realized he was so into pot. By then I was so in love with him and there were other things that seemed we were so compatible, but after struggling to TOLERATE his smoking all these years, I am finally seeing that i am exhausted from the same ol merry go round conversation....he can't see the forest for the trees cuz pot is such a big part of his culture being a musician. To him, it has made him who he IS.
He is more willing to be with his mistress, MaryJane. We have been to counseling and in fact went to our last session tonight at his request. Same old story!!!! Same ol mashing out each person's perspective and he just isn't willing to rise up and be mature enough to let go of things when he sees it is destroying our relationship. I feel dishonored. And that's what hurts. He is so darn stubborn and wants his way, his personal freedom. He is immature in that respect.
Maybe I am being too judgemental, as he says, but I know what my values are and they don't jibe with his. I want to move on to a healthier mate someday. For now, it's time to take care of myself and get to know myself without a man in my life. At age 50, I owe it to myself.
And yes, it is about other stuff as well, but the pot is the big one for me.
Thanks again,
Just

[justwondering]

Just Wondering

Hi and thanks for your reply. I am frustrated as we just went to one last therapy session at his request. I am glad I refused to pay half because it would have been one big waste of my money....same old same old from him! I have to let go in love and compassion at this point as it is absolutely futile! He is so stuck on his position that he ought to have his personal freedom to do what he wants to do. I got my final answer, his priority is with his drug. Sad but true.
Thanks again.
Just Wondering