Am I crazy?

[Almostdead]

I have struggled with alcohol since I was 23, now i am 37. Not an everyday drinker or one who gets withdrawals. I am a binge drinker (about once to twice a week).

What makes me feel crazy is that while struggling with alcohol I have managed to function enough to create and keep a wonderful exciting job that helps many people. I have the best wife in the world, two wonderful kids, and a wonderful supportive family structure. 90% of the time I do not want to drink, I realize its down falls and it does not seem to be a problem, Yet 10% of the time I seem to forget everything and drink, my mind convinces me it a good thing. Once I get started it is very hard to stop. (8-10 beers)

And take it from a veteran when your body is not always drunk and your body adjusts to your "clean" time. THE HANGOVERS ARE PAINFUL!

Its like that part of my life is a broken record and I cant kick it. I am convinced it will be the death of me. I am also starting a wonderful adventurous new business and I am terrified knowing that my drinking will screw it up, kill me, and destroy my family.

I am not sure what to do to "Kill" that 10% before it kills me. I am frustrated and losing confidence and faith in myself.:upset: I really want to see what I can accomplish in life without this gorilla on my back.

[Pan]

Am I crazy?

Almostdead, I struggled with alcohol for over 20 years. I also functioned very well. I wanted to drink 90% of the time tho. One thing that is the same with us, is that I usually did not stop once I started.

It started to affect every part of my life eventually and I knew the time had come to do something about my life to get it back on track. Believe me, it was not easy. I knew I had a problem. I fully admitted that. I just didn't really want to do anything about it. I wanted to stop my stupid behaviour but I didn't want to stop drinking.

I have now been over 30 days alcohol free (AF) and while I still crave a glass or two of wine every now and then, I am determined to stay AF for now.

I succeeded by: 1. Not having any alcohol in the house. 2. Grim determination to keep the promise to myself that I would not drink TODAY. 3. Not drinking ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I just kept at it, one day at a time, knowing that if I wanted a drink, I could have one tomorrow. Tomorrow I would tell myself I could have one tomorrow, and so on.

Read a lot here, it will help you a lot. Post any questions or concerns you may have. Someone will always be around to answer you.

[sunshine09]

Am I crazy?

i know how u feel..

i think most people here can understand where u are coming from!!!!!!!! i certainly can... i myself have been on a bit of a bender last week and ended up doing things i regret completely... i guess we all have that same desire to be able to have a few but it isnt the case for some...
i know that feeling of helplessness so well when u just cant seem to stop that broken record... i decided 3 days ago something had to change so i started taking campral.. so farn so good but my mind is also in the right place... i also faced my fear of scuba diving today.it was awsome!!!!!!!!.. i thought fuck it... there cant be anything scarier than facing my drinking problem, so why not... sorry , i know that doesnt help but it might be a bit of inspiration for you... maybe look at meds , hypno, flower essences ect... there is a lot of support out there... keep posting:l remember we all know how you feel.....

[Arial]

Am I crazy?

:welcome: Almost Dead, You'll find many, many highly successful people here who function well despite abusing alcohol - but the 'gorilla' on their back is there.

You've made the first step - recognising it as a problem and joining here! - we're here for support, encouragement, inspiration, friendship, understanding, etc. but the work has to come from you - starting from within but then using whatever additional support you can find! If you really want to regain the 10% then it takes work, agression and commitment, but you sound like you have the motivation, so this could be the start of a fantastic future free of alcohol!

I found keeping a vision of what I wanted life to be like without alcohol made it easier as when the cravings came I could look beyond them at my goals. There is a great thread in 'Monthly Abstainers' called 'Tool Box' which has others' 'tools' that they found have helped them find an AF (Alcohol Free) life.

So welcome and good luck! - your new future starts today!

[veritas]

Am I crazy?

Almostdead, your words will strike a chord with many of us. We all know the madness of addiction and it's persuasive voice. Facing up to denial is the biggest battle. Keep going, stick around and listen to the stories. I hear my own voice coming from many mouths. It gives me courage to continue and not loose hope.

[klingsor]

Am I crazy?

that's a question I've made myself too several times. but in the little time i've been lurking on this site, and now posting, i've found that reading and talking with people who have the same problems and thoughts is helping me a lot. it is difficult to cope with it, but I know we'll all manage with this matter.

good luck.

klingsor

[aprilmoon]

Am I crazy?

Almostdead, You are not crazy. I know most of the people here know just what you are talking about.

For me. I was the same way until 1/28/09. I can't drink one rum and diet coke.....what's the purpose in that. It only makes me a little tipsy......if I drink, I want to get knee walking drunk. I also can go several days and weeks without drinking, but if I have that one drink.....I will not stop until I can hardly walk because I'm so drunk.

This is a wonderful website. When I decided that I had to quit drinking I just googled "how to stop drinking" and I found this website. The folks here told me to read and post. That was the best advice I got. So I'm giving it to you.

I'm lucky in the fact that I have a very supportive husband. I hope that you can talk to your wife about this and have her support.

I've never taken any of the meds that are talked about here, but you may want to check out the forum that deals in some medications. It may help you.

I wish you the very best in your new business. You can do this.....let this website and the wonderful inspiration that the folks here have help you. :welcome:

[ezzmae]

Am I crazy?

Welcome Almostdead. I can certainly relate to the 10% and I completely understand how hard those hangovers can be. It is hard to regain that 10% but it can be done with determination and lots of support which you will find here. One of my biggest fears was that the 10% would become the 90%.

I have had some AF time since I came here and it has been great.

[gyco]

Am I crazy?

welcom,almost,well your not dead yet so we wont use the end of your name,ive drank for 39 years off and on,and like you my wife stuck around,my girls are on there own and the boys are still at home,there all older now,and ive never really had the balls enough to ask them of my escapades,well from drinking,i no my wife's answer,they all drink,they no the consequences,they had a good teacher,this site is a wonderful place,were all in the same boat,some worse then others,there are a lot of options,here, AA, AA online,if your to ashamed to go to meetings,you kinda answered your own question tho,knowing that NOTE MY DRINKING will screw up everything,kinda like playing Russian roulette yes,wish you well gyco

[lilmea]

Am I crazy?

Almost,

Welcome :welcome:

Over the years my 10% turned into 90% and I went from highly functional to barely functioning at all. AL is not content with just a little bit of your life it wants it all. This not drinking is not for the faint of heart. You have to make your sobriety the #1 priority in your life. It takes determination and a willingness to do what ever you have to do to stay sober.
Read and post. You will find lots of support here. There is a toolbox thread in the monthly abstinence section that is full of good information. Best wishes to you as you start this new journey.

[Evie.Lou]

Am I crazy?

Dear Almost, You sound like you have alot of reasons to LIVE....right??? You have come to a great site.
You will find the answers that you seek if you just keep looking. There is no ONE RIGHT WAY and no magic PILL...Learning to live without alcohol is "doable" and a process. I think that there are as many ways to do it as there are people...Keep reading and researching and trying different approaches that seem reasonable to you and you will find your way out as soooo many others here have done.
PM me if I can help you.

[mooderator]

Am I crazy?

Dear Almost.,

To reiterate what has been said above, if you use this site to its full potential, I think you will get a lot out of it.

I am very much like yourself. The 10% thing, the binging, the hangovers, but yet still leading an otherwise successful life in every area. Probably not drinking enough that others see it as much of an issue, but enough that deep down you know it is. Clearly like me you are not physically dependent on AL but have developed a pattern of drinking over a prolonged period and probably look to it as the "fun, magical, escapist" part of life, the something to look foward to which actually justs ends up as a bad hangover because you have not drunk all week.

I have been here for 14 days and have been AF for same period. This site, a really good plan, lots of thinking about the issue, asking questions, posting, chatting, reading and generally really dealing with why that 10% does exist is the reason for success so far and I think you will get the same from it.

I am finding time away from the beast is helping me reexamine my relationship with it. I am making a point of doing the things I normally do, but not drinking so that I can see what that is like. Do I do them because of the alcohol or because I really enjoy them,that sort of thing. For me this reexamination of what fun is, is working. I hope these little thoughts help in some way.

Whatever happens, good luck with your future business plans and sobriety/mod plans,

[Angelcakes]

Am I crazy?

hi AD, I really related to your post. I'm the same age, 2 kids, wonderful spouse....and not physically addicted to al...binging only 1 or 2 times a week. You might feel, like I did, that you don't REALLY have a problem...but you've taken the first step & come here. Being honest is good...and realistic. So come with an honest, open heart & mind & you'll do fine.
Get a plan together (start by reading the MWO book) and I look forward to getting to know you!
Welcome.

[OverIt2007]

Am I crazy?

Wow, was just reading the great advice posted on here. You are definatley NOT crazy. You described me to a T. Im a two a week at least binge drinker (6 or more drinks) but other than those days, I really have no desire for alcohol because I am usually too ashamed, or feel too guilty, or too hungover to think about drinking again. If you want any more incentive to stop or get help, now I have developed an ugly red nose due to my binges. Good luck!