Regret

[crazyforwine]

Hi Everyone,

Here's a question for you. How do you deal with regret? I don't mean so much the things we regret we have done while drunk, although that applies, too. I'm thinking more of the huge things we've done that we may feel were wrong, the bad decisions.

I just got a call out of the blue from my ex husband. Have not been in touch for 20 years or so. WE've both remarried, have kids, etc, so it wasn't THAT kind of call. We married and divorced early on; we were confused kids and although we kind of grew up together in college, we couldn't seem to get our marriage together. I have long since regretted that we didn't make it work, we were soul mates in some way. One of the reasons I didn't want to stay in touch with him over the years was precisely because of the way I feel now. Very sad and regretful. And my first thought was, "I need a drink." I'm wondering if these kinds of feelings have fueled my drinking over the years.

How do you get over these things? How do you deal with intense, sad feelings?

Ann

[savon19]

Regret

Ahh, dear friend - regrets? I have a few!!!

I guess I've come to the conclusion (when I CAN) that living in the Past just doesn't do anything Positive. It is what it is/was. We can't do anything to change it.

So we have to live in the Present. Very hard to do sometimes. My list of "regrets" would cause the site to go down!!

We really have to let the past go. (I'm still working on that!) But, truly, we just can't change it. All we have control over is the Right Now Minute.

Believe me, I'm not preaching. It's just a truth.

I have a LOT of sadness due to decisions, etc. I've made in the past. Still affects me. But I know I'll never have a glimmer of Happiness until I let it go.

(I posted something recently about "experiencing" feelings. We need to do it to get past it. Feel it, then go on.)

Easier said than done, I might add!

:l

[mooderator]

Regret

Hi Crazyforwine,

"Never regret anything you have done with a sincere affection; nothing is lost that is born of the heart".

It is clear that you married your ex-husband out of sincere affection at that time. So i would say this quote from Basil Rathbone applies here and to all regret in general.

Try not to see them so much as regretful situations, rather than those events that have shaped you and made you who you are. Both good and bad. View the good times you had with him as fortunate and the bad times as learning what not to do next time. Then think about the life you have had since and what has arisen from it (I think you said you had children). Is it really possible to regret the path you took in view of that???

Also, you may have had a much less rich life if you had stayed together, you can never know, unless you apply the infinite universe theory, in which case you and he are living your life out together somewhere? Are you happy? Who can know.

The other great quote I love is "When you can look back on your past without regret and into your future without fear, you have achieved perfect contentment" author unknown to me.

I strive to live by the last quote, not always successfully mind!!

LOVE MOOOOO

[crazyforwine]

Regret

Thank you, Savon. I guess this is where the "mindfulness" of Zen can be our salvation. Living in the moment, not looking back or forward. And why one of the Buddhist tenets is that "life is suffering." (I'm not a Buddhist, I just find some of these ideas helpful).

Very hard to feel the feelings and I guess this is why some of us turn to compulsive behaviors. Why neurosis develops. All that stuff.

And I think some of it is the way we blame ourselves. It's not just that something bad happened, it's that we made it happen. Now I'm thinking of Maya Angelou's line, "when we knew better, we did better." Or something to that effect.

Thanks, I can tell you can relate.

Ann

[crazyforwine]

Regret

Mooo,

I love those quotes, thank you. I am going to print them out and hold them close.

I would not change my situation, because I adore my children and could not imagine not having them,or having different children. They are my heart, and thankfully, there is very little I have done regarding them that I regret.

I'm just sad today, I guess. Too little sleep and too much of a hacking cold, and withdrawal stuff going on, even with my tapering.

ox

Ann

[savon19]

Regret

I'm glad to see you're sounding better, Ann.

My ex-husband (who I divorced some 12 yrs ago) called me out of blue last year. I didn't answer phone... at first. Then I did. Told him not to call anymore.

Then one SAD night many months later, I wished I had kept his number!???? It was just a weak moment. I was feeling very alone. I'm glad I didn't have his number, tho. He was very emotionally abusive. Why in Heck would I want to get into that again?

I guess it's just "normal" to have sad moments like that, and like you had. Maybe it's so that we can (after it passes somewhat) take stock of what we have that's Good in our lives! Maybe that makes us appreciate it even more.

You're Fine and will be better. You're not feeling well, so that explains some of it.

FEEL BETTER!

[gyco]

Regret

hi crazy,what you brot up is a hard topic for most,ive been married to the same women for 33 years this year,when things are rough i beleive even people without a drink proble,m asks the same question,i think if you drink to much you would tend to dwell on it more,or even try somethig cause of your drunkeness,should it make you want to drink,i wouldnt think so,hurd a lot of xcuses ,not that tho,i do wish you well,gyco lol im not a lady tho

[gyco]

Regret

dang i wouldnt no what to do with another women lol god ones enuff hahahha

[YoungAtHeart]

Regret

Hi there,

I also have an old boyfriend that I felt was my soul mate--loved him sooo much--but somehow we could never make it work despite trying really hard. I STILL long for him at times, even though I've been married, and engaged to yet another man in the 20+ years since I last saw him.

This seems to happen when I am not happy in my day-to-day life, and I have learned to ask myself what is wrong with my life now that may need some work. Usually the answer is there, if I am willing to explore my deeper feelings. I usually think about him when I am sad about something else, facing a loss that I don't want to admit to myself, etc.

Good luck in dealing with this. I don't know if this is what is going on for you, but I can only say what it has meant for me.

[lil.michelle]

Regret

Hey
It's sooo hard when people say don't look back to the past but look towards the future as the past has made us who we are today. However, that's the thing, the past has made us who we are and even tho things in it has hurt us, it has made us strong and taught us lessons.

When it comes to past relationships, we always remember the fun, the excitment and the joy and as time passes we tend to forget the low times and the pain. When in a long term relationship, the excitement ends but embrass this, take comfort in the comfort and security this brings. You broke up for a reason and you've both moved on and grown into new people. Take comfort in what your old relationship has brought you but understand youu are both no longer who you used to be. Don't reget what happened, it's made you who you are and brought you some amazing children. Please do something for me... you'll be amazed how you feel when you do, go to your husband when he's sitting down on the sofa, no matter what the time and who is around, go sit with him, rest your head on his chest and cuddle him. You want to lose this and go back to what you were?

I got in contact with an ex a few years ago and i felt that excitment and regreted leaving him but thank god, for reasons we couldn't meet up as i have a husband and it could have ended my marriage. As time past i realised, it wasn't him i wanted, infact it was the freedom i used to have, the youth, the innocence and the lack of comittments and complications. However, as much as we want to be young and have all that, we need to grow up. Life is complicated, sometimes painful, relations lose that excitment but at the same times bring security and routine which may not be perfect but no relationship is.

Don't look back at the past with reget, look back with thanks. The grass is not greener on the other side.

[crazyforwine]

Regret

Wise words, Lil Michelle, thank you. I think some of my feelings have to do with is that life with the ex would have meant financial security, a nice house, a lovely suburban life. Plus he is very smart, an attorney in fact...The marriage I am in came about because of a pregnancy, and wasn't really what I should have done, however, we felt we needed to raise this child together and give him two parents. Economically we are scraping by; it's not the life I wanted in many ways although as I have said, I would not do anything that would change my kid-situation.

One of the reasons I think my first marriage broke up is that I needed more space to be me, to "find myself", and it was hard with a fairly powerful partner (though nice). If I'd stayed with him, I probably would not have my own consulting business, which I do from home so as to be more with my kids...I would not have been forced to make MY way in the world, and for that, I am grateful. I have developed the ability to be self sufficient and to be the one In Charge when crises hit, not the one who relies on hubby to fix things. My mother was TOTALLY dependent on my father for everything, and I never wanted that to be me.

A balance would have been nice, but things happen for a reason. Thanks to you all for your thoughts and encouragement!

Ann

[lil.michelle]

Regret

I understand what you mean about financial situation and all. I always think that although it may look like like a perfect financial situation, you have NO idea what happens behind closed doors and sometimes no amount of money can give you a perfect life. Truth is you'll never know, he could be the nicest person alive but with hours he work he may not ever be able to give you a real family life. The fact is you just don't know.

You may not have the money, the house and the life you always dreamed of but as you realised, you are your own person, you've made your own life, you've grown and no matter what the situation is, you have the most amazing gift that no amount of money could give you, a child and a man who has stood by you which is something very special and amazing as if there was no love, he most likely wouldn't have stayed. Look deep! Maybe you need to let go of the 'the only reason he stayed with me is for the child'. To be honest, maybe you've just pinpointed why you drink. If that is really how you feel, the only reason he stayed with you for the baby, you need to put pride on the shelve and damn right ask him, why he stayed, how he feels ect ect. I can bet you, it may have been the reason to start with but i bet it's not like that now.

I found the only way to stop me from drinking was taking antabuse. I was scared to take it but i took the first few doses as stated on the bottle but now take one a week instead of one a day and i'm sober. It'll be 2 weeks soon. I see my life much clearer now.