Wasting myself

[shambles]

Hi All,

I've been drinking heavily for nearly 20 years. I don't know how to stop, Campral isn't working and my depression is awful. I have anxiety and so have been taking Zoloft for 6 months or so and it is making me do some outrageous things that I wouldn't normally do (gambling, going out and leaving my 12 year old home alone for hours to drink at the pub, taking days off work due to hangover and illness, taking risks, emailing and messaging people when drunk and making a damn drunken fool of myself etc.) I've been reading up on it and there are apparently many people who have had similar probs with Zoloft - and it actually accentuates the craving to drink for some. Certainly has for me!

I've had enough but can't figure how to stop this. I can easily down 2 bottles of wine per night no problem. I don't want my kid to see me like this anymore. I don't want to be checking my email for fear of having sent something rude and nasty in a drunken haze. I don't want to wake up with bruises and lost time.

Freaking out a bit here. Anyone got any advice for someone on the edge?

[choppersmom]

Wasting myself

Hi Wasting and :welcome:! Ok..take a deep breath. You have found a great site. Have you tried the supps or read the book here? The book is full of great information and the supps do help. I,too, have aniexty and depression. My doc has me on Wellbutrin (generic for Zyban) for now, but has a back-up of Cymbalta. I have never taken Zoloft so can't relate to what you are experiencing.

You are on the right path. You have recognized the issue and want to stop. Please read, post and keep us updated. Also, see a doctor if this is too much at one time.

We are all here for you!!!

[Angelcakes]

Wasting myself

Hi Shambles, I'm sorry your feeling so crap right now.
So firstly, breath!!
It sounds like you need to discuss your meds with your doctor.
Congratulate yourself for taking the leap & asking here for help.
MWO is a whole programme involving reading, diet, exercise, supplements, hypnotherapy & possibly meds so the best way to get an overview is to read the book which you can download here from the healthstore. It might help you to get a plan together as to how you might tackle this horrendous disease.

Good luck.
xo

[shambles]

Wasting myself

Choppersmom and Angelcakes thank you.

I will read when I'm feeling a little less panicked. I'm sitting here on the verge of full tilt anxiety attack but I refuse to let it happen.

I recently hpoked up with an old friend and we had a great night together, a few nights ago I messaged him and my messages were let's say on the crude side. Haven't heard from him as I imagine he thinks I only think of him as a booty call. Such a shameful thing to do and I feel like a complete arse. I'm beating myself up something atrocious here and I took a huge dose of my Zoloft after the message incident that sent me into a state on Saturday that was less than healthy, both mentally and physically.

I've never been a suicidal sort but I actually said "I feel like topping myself I'm such a fool" to my own daughter. It just came out, I hadn't even been thinking it. I feel like I'm going nuts.

Just can't forgive myself, my friend must think I'm gross and that I'm still the fucked up teen I was when last he saw me 15 years ago. I'm so ashamed and ambarrassed for all the things I've been doing. Just don't know how to go on.

[startingover]

Wasting myself

Hey Shambles, welcome to you..
First of all, deep breaths, it sounds to me like you have hit your rock bottom?
Now its time to find your way out, and you can you know...
Like Angel has said, the book is a good start. It will help you formulate plan that is right for you.
Once you start to get a grip of this, your depression and anxiety will start to be more manageable.
Give it a go OK? It really will help you...

[shambles]

Wasting myself

Thanks startingover. I will read the book when my anxiety subsides.

I seem to have been hitting a series of rock bottoms of late. Last night saw me up at the pub gambling and drinking until 12am, completely lost track of time. Had some strange woman try to pick a fight with me which was thankfully defused by the bouncer throwing her out. Keep getting flashes of last night and pangs of shame to go along with it. God knows what I did. I won't be showing my face in there again that's for sure. I guess that can only be a good thing?

I know you're right about finding a way out, but my head is all over the place right now and things look grim. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to get back to me.

[aprilmoon]

Wasting myself

:welcome: Shambles,

You have found a website with very suportive members who have been down the road you are on. I have been. Rum is my poison. My last night drinking was due to a awful email I made to a friend of mine while drinking. That person has written me off even though I have said I was sorry. I can't do more than that....except change me. I was the kind of drunk, who was very functional during the day, but after 5 or 6PM I started drinking until I passed out.

Start with the 30 day AF. That is what I did. It was hard at first, but I made it. Now, I am over 3 months AF. You will have to decide during that 30 day period if you can mod your drinking. For me, I knew I can't. So I have to stay away from the stuff.

I wish you the very best!

[CakeQueen]

Wasting myself

Hello Shambles ... Just hang in there it can only get better .. and this website is just the best so much advice and inspiration

[shambles]

Wasting myself

Aprilmoon and Cakequeen - I really appreciate your insight.

April I have spoken with my mate tonight and he is fine, but still, what a silly bloody thing to do! Makes me feel like I've slipped back into my bad ol' days and need to make excuses for my bad behaviour. Which I hate! I'm so sorry your friend didn't accept your apology sweetheart, more fool them for not giving you a chance for forgiveness.

I'm having last call tonight, bought myself a lovely expensive bottle of wine and I'm having some barrumundi and prawn filo with salad as a bit of a goodbye. Have had a "relationship" with booze for so long I feel I owe it a nice send off. Weird huh? It's like leaving an abusive partner or that damaging friend you just can't shake off.

Fitting my last drink for the time being should be on April Fool's eh? Ironic ... hmmm.

I'll start on the 30 days tomorrow. It's going to be hard work but I'll get there. The Campral makes my tummy so upset but I'll stick with it regardless for now.

I was not able to download the pdf of the book from the link provided. Maybe I went to the wrong place? Not big on funds to buy right now so will wait to see if it becomes available again.

Just knowing there are great, compassionate people with the same experiences and mind-set is helping a great deal. I do feel so much better and will hopefully get to know you all well as I feel this group has a real heart. AA just isn't for me (not religious) but I think I can really make a go of it here.

Love to you all - and much thanks for seeing me through a very dark day.

[dill]

Wasting myself

Shambles,
It is a hard journey but well worth it! If you are a daily drinker like I was, you will probably enjoy the first morning of waking up without a hangover. What a wonderful feeling and such an immediate reward for the first AF day!

[Peanut]

Wasting myself

Hey Shambles,
My but your story does sound familiar!! I do have a way of embarrassing myself - I have banned myself from bars/pubs at night, as I always turned into a crazy dancing queen. Who needs to be falling down on the dance floor in front (literally) of a bar full of people!!!! But really, I think you should talk to your doctor about your meds. My daughter is on Zoloft, but she is not having too hard a time with it. How much do you take?

The book download is pretty cheap. Less expensive than the bottle of wine you bought today. Choices, yes? And, it really does provide so much good information!

I am starting a 30 days stint today, but last night sort of did what your are doing. I bottled up the half carboy of wine in my kitchen and drank a carafe of it, as my last night to drink wine. I am hoping some of the stuff I got from the Homeopath yesterday will help me stay AF - he said he has had alot of success with this stuff for other people with drinking issues.

Best to you - I'll be with you, battling along side of you, ok?
xoxo peanut

[polaryzed]

Wasting myself

Welcome Shambles

Your decision is the right one . . . YOU can do this for you and you family.

The others are so correct, this forum is truly a Blessing. So much Support and Inspiration from these wonderful people.

I had a problem downloading the book too, so I called my local library and borrowed the book. It was very interesting and has helped me alot.

Stay strong and keep coming back Reading, Threading, Journalizing have helped me immensely.

If you can please let us know how you are doing each day.

God Bless . . .

[Lavande]

Wasting myself

Hi Shambles,

I was in your place not too long ago! You do get tired of making an idiot of yourself..............

Staying tuned into MWO, reading lots of postings every day and absorbing the warmth and inspiration from the others really helps.

I'm doing it - you can too!

Best Wishes

[Evie.Lou]

Wasting myself

welcome to the place that you can find "your way out"....1 year ago i couldn't believe that i could even find the joy and inner peace of SOBRIETY again...but here i am ...JOYFULFUL, PEACEFUL and SOBER !!!! You can do it too !!!!
Read and Reread the MWO book and follow what the suggestions are. Stay close to this site...read and post alot...the answers are here to be found...There is no Magic pill but Topa, naltrexone, and baclofen have helped me alot. There are other natural supplements that can help with cravings in the beginning. It takes alot of work but it can be done. I am living proof and so are 1000s of others who have found their way to sobriety thru this wonderful website...You can do it too....I KNOW YOU CAN !!!!

[shambles]

Wasting myself

Hi Everyone - wow what a great response and makes me feel like I'm not so much doing it "alone".

Dill, yep, everyday in one way or another. I had my wine last night and woke up this morning wth some sort of crazy stomach upset (not the wine) that has had me pretty much laid out most of the day. At least that makes it easy not to drink huh?

Peanut - good luck hun and sure I'd love to do an AF April with you!

Polaryzed - I may just do the same and see if I can borrow a copy of the book. Thanks! I will also try my best to post in with you all each day. Perhpas I'll join one of the other threads of those going AF for the first time in a long time. Will look around.

Lavande - oh do you ever get tired of acting like a goose. So over myself it just isn't funny. Thanks for identifying and the kind words of encouragement.

Evie - Thank you for the positive energy in yoru post and the vote of confidence. I look forward to making the most of the site.

Thanks again ALL!

x