Hopeful but scared

[binnie]

Hopeful but scared

Boobie,

You are describing me to a "T". I am somehow comforted by just reading the posts on this site. I am ordering the book tonight in hopes of getting back on track. My issues started about 5 years ago when I lost my job and was home for a year without working. Prior to that I never drank alone or even brought alcohol into my home. Now it has become a habit of downing almost two bottles of wine every 2-3 days. I wake up feeling miserable calling myself a loser and tell myself I am going to get back on track and then I end up doing it again. I am accountable to no one. I live alone and I think that fuels the fire.

[boobie]

Hopeful but scared

I'm BACK!

Hello Everyone!

Missed you all and really missed reading the posts.

Welcome Binnie! :welcome: I'm so glad you found this place. This site has quite literally saved me. I am a new person in a very short and very private time. I did not want to go to AA. I am too private and was too embarassed as well. This place gave me so much hope. The people are fantastic. It's a place without judgement. You can screw up, come back, seek more help, and try again.

I did take a step backwards and have been gone a few weeks. I had a family event and leading up to it couldn't handle the pressure so turned back to my old ways a little bit. Old triggers! I didn't drink till all hours of the night but did drink almost every night. I did get a lttle looped almost every night. Woke up feeling like crap. Self loathing returned. Bloated belly and ugly bags under my eyes weren't pretty either. I stopped the cycle just before leaving on my family trip and actaually ended up having a good time moderating. My family drinks pretty casually at almost every single event. This is the first time that I drank casually along with them. I didn't gulp. Didn't worry about getting enough. Didn't worry about getting drunk. None of it. I stopped when I wanted and even just drank water! Crazy!

I am now away at a weight loss camp and am not drinking at all. I am not even craving it. I feel like I am going thru a huge transformation. Every ounce of my being wants to be healthy, happy, energized, and fit. Alcohol was one major thing standing in the way of this.

I am so incredibly thankful for this program! I know I may have set backs. I actually miss the alcohol in some ways but it is not consuming my every thought like it once was and that's a lot!

The supplements - Topomax - CD's - and this site are what's helping me make it every day!

Thank you!

[lil.michelle]

Hopeful but scared

Hey!
WOW, i know how you feel, that was just me although, i got really mean when i was drunk and almost lot my family, hubby and baby girl.
I joined here about ooo over a year and i had MANY failures BUT BUT BUT i'm on my 51st day SOBER.
Drink took away my life, i started by having one glass but then it creeped up to over a bottle a night and finally AL, the thought of AL comsumed me fully. I'd wake up, go to work and just think about when i could get home to drink. Like you, the weight piled on and on.
I have had success with this program, i don't know what i would have done without the love and support of everyone here. They never judged me even at my lowest point, they did however sometimes give me that kick up the ass i needed on some occasions *lol* I've also had much success with the drug antabuse which can be used as a last resort (makes you sick and very ill if you drink while taking it)
When i first stopped drinking i was soo scared. I used to look at people and think, my god, how can you live without drinking everyday, what do you do with yourself at night, how do you have fun, how do you sleep ect ect. It does all come back to you and everything returns to how it used to be. I now sit and think, how they hell was i able to drink so much every night, how was i able to feel sh*t every single day ect ect.
I have my old self back. It took a while, lost of slips, lots of tears, LOTS of hair pulling, teeth grinding but i've finally made it. It's not easy to find your old self, if it were this site wouldn't be here.
You'll find the weight will start dropping off you when you take the step to give up. I'm not good at the 'excercise' so i take my little one to the park and go on walks with her and hubby.
Lifes NEVER been better! I've learnt a lot!
Sorry this was sooo long!

[ceprise]

Hopeful but scared

My Way Out is a Personal Journey

We all know where we want to end. How we get there is our personal journey. My Way Out gives us the process, the tools, the support, and the friends to travel this path.

There are bumps, bruises, stumbles, set-backs, stupids, hurts, heart-breaks, hopes, highs, lows and tears.

We know we need to keep going, trust the process and trust each other. We know our goal is to be alcohol free, or in control of alcohol, instead of being controlled by it.

One day after the topiramate, and supplements, and CDs, and Community, I just didn't feel like having a drink. I wondered when it would work. Then it did.

Will it keep working? Can I make 30 days AF? Can I survive the dinner party this weekend? Can I survive my 30th Wedding Anniversary cruise this summer? This is part of the journey that I will share with you.

11 days AF.

[ceprise]

Hopeful but scared

My Journey Continues

I am in the hospital with small bowel obstruction, a blockage at a loop of intestine at an abdominal hernial. I attended a dinner party Saturday night, and ended up with severe abdominal pain the next morning. The treatment is no food or drink by mouth for the next several days. The hope is that the blockage will dissolve itself. Then surgery to correct the hernias.

So I am off topomax and the supplements. I am only on intervenous medications and fluids. I am listening to the Hypno CDs to go to sleep. I am on Dilaudid, a narcotic for pain. When I first checked in Sunday morning, I was on a dose very 2.5 hours. I now am at one every 6+ hours. So I am getting better.

Strange where our life journey take us!

I hope to continue to be AF, and restart the program when I get out. My goal is still 30 days AF.

16 days AF.

[mica]

Hopeful but scared

Hey, Guys,

Ceprise, good luck to you! Take care, follow the nurse's orders, and get out of the hospital asap! I'd love to hear your plans for the 30 year anniversary cruise. I can only dream!

Boobie, great work on the weight loss camp. I hope it all goes well for you there. I miss you!

Lil, welcome! This is a great place to be, and we all work together towards our goals. Keep on reading and posting!

[ceprise]

Hopeful but scared

Out of Hospital, Out of the MWO Closet

Dear Buhbie:
How are you doing? Are you back from camp? I've spent the last two weeks in camp myself. I've been in the hospital for intestinal blockage and hernia repair surgery. The only camp activities have been waiting for my bowel to re-start, racing IV polls up and down the corridor, and setting the over/under betting line for blood pressure data.

I hope you have been able to follow the MWO program. Even in the hospital, I've been listening to the hypnotic CDs.

Let us know how you are and what you are doing.

I've told my wife about being the in the MYO Program, and our best friends who we are scheduled to go on a Caribbean Cruise this August. So I'm out of the closet about having problems with alcohol.

MWO Program 7 Weeks/ 29 days AF.

[startafresh]

Hopeful but scared

Hello,
It is DAY 4 alcohol free. Physically I feel okay, I feel prompted to write something on this thread though, because several people have mentioned night drinking and drinking after their partner goes to bed.

This has been part of my problem too. With a small child, and husband has a chronic disease which makes him tired, I have often been left on my own quite early in the evening and the options I have fallen into have been, watch a DVD and drink wine.

Perhaps I can join with others whilst at the same time respecting their seperate journeys and acknowledge this is a difficult time for some and work out different ways of relaxing. At the moment, I'm sticking to my 'go upstairs and blog/do this forum' and take a box of smoothies when I'm too stressed.

I've just had a sort of disagreement with my other half just now. He is unresponsive at the best of times and I've just told him I'm not drinking for a month. I told him how much I was sometimes drinking and he said he hadn't known it was that much. I'm afraid I was wanting support and understanding from him which I didn't get. The usual thing is that he goes out for a cigarette....i realise this has to do with relationship/addiction patterns which need to change, but I'm still finding it difficult. Anything helpful to say, anyone?

thanks
s.a.
:new::thanks::l

[seila1]

Hopeful but scared

Boobie:

Great post. You are so not alone. I'm exactly like you. The beating myself up, the drinking 1000's of alcohol calories...wishing I could have a drink like a normal person. I personally know that I can't drink like a normal person and am back visiting this site because I've tried to convince myself I could. Take it all one day at a time and I'm famous for saying on this site - cut yourself some slack. You're here, you're working on it and that in itself is a really great accomplishment. So, pat yourself on the back and take every little triumph and we willing to forgive the slip ups. No one is perfect and this shit is hard! When I was abstaining it was really amazing how differently I felt about myself. Self confidence is what you need so try not to be too hard on yourself. You are loved and you deserve to be loved alcohol free or not.

[startafresh]

Hopeful but scared

Hello,
I've just read through my last post, and realised it sounds very self-absorbed. I know that people who drink sometimes get like that, it's just that I've noticed recently that a lot of my stress comes from what I think of as people demanding too much from me. On this note maybe some mothers would see this.
You know, come home each day, make the tea, do the washing, no one cooks for me anymore....so part of my challenge seems to be getting some space back for myself, where I am not constantly asked to help, cook, clean support anyone else...make sense?

Best to Buhbie and everyone
s.a.

[seila1]

Hopeful but scared

startafresh:

I don't think you sounded self absorbed...that's what your here for - to get absorbed in yourself to help you on this journey. Sounds like you got up the courage to tell your husband about your issue and he wasn't as supportive as you'd like. That's hard and definitely hurtful. You took a leap of courage, trust that you did the right thing and don't worry so much about what anyone else thinks. You should come here to vent or look for support. Hang in there.

[GratefulEm]

Hopeful but scared

Thanks Boobie, Miss Montana

Hey, I've thought of you all day. Thanks for being so honest. Your story is ours. This is a very difficult struggle and I wish I could say that I'm doing well, but I am not, yet! It doesn't matter where we live. I live on the East Coast in a vacation area. When I fantasize about escaping my issues (geographic cure) it's to Montana! I went through the state once and was so amazed. I traveled up from Yellowstone through Missoula and thought it was heaven on earth, it had a real spiritual quality. My Paint horse is named Montana, for god's sake, and I love him to death. Like you, I need to lose weight - 20 lbs. of bloat would be nice. I love wine and don't see why I should deny myself such an incredible delight except that it's making me miserable during the day. I function as a professional, but could be doing so much better. I hate myself each new morning. I used to run a mile to the beach with my dog 5 times a week - have no energy for that now.
We all need each other here. It's a sisterhood of sorts. (I don't mean to dis the men but there is such a common theme and bond with women's stories.) On a rather far out side note - I feel it's time for more feminine energy in politics, power and the world. Testosterone is destroying civilization (sorry guys, but true!) Hunter gather days are over and it takes female skills and strength today if we are to survive as a race. I think alot of this silent drinking, alone at night is a repression of the female spirit and we need to own our power. Maybe I'm way off base but it's something I've thought about for a long time.
I'm an historian, had a son in Iraq and am sick of world history as one long story of struggle, war and domination. I do love men, but it's time for an ascendency of the feminine side of the psyche. Geez, I'm way off track here - maybe it's the wine freeing up my mind but I'm serious. The 20th century was the bloodiest in history and why? The subjugation of women and minorities - we need to claim power, but how? First, I guess over our own lives. I think that women feel deeply and we don't know what to do with our feminine intuitions because we live in a male world. It's foreign to us and so we need to suppress. Why else is the same story repeated on this website, over and over again. Men go to bars but most women, not all, drink in secret. How far have we come? See what you started Ms. Montana? Thank you for being her and sharing so profoundly. Em

[ceprise]

Hopeful but scared

Back to Basics

Dear Em:
Let's not delve into politics. We are here to support each other in getting control over alcohol.

Dear Startafresh:
Where are you in following the My Way Out Program? Have you read Roberta Jewell's book? I am a 58 year old male and I felt she was speaking directly to me. I am a coward. I could not go alcohol free cold turkey. I needed the My Way Out Program to reduce my consumption. I followed the complete MWO program: Topiramate, supplements, hypno CDs, posting on the MWO Community, Diet/Exercise.

As I started MWO, I had a "one hour rule", I vowed to wait one hour after I got home before I had my first drink. But I continued to drink, triple-shot scotch or triple-shot vodkas. After three weeks on the Program, on 19-Apr-2009, I didn't feel like having a drink after the one hour. I haven't had any since. I've posted the rest of my story on different threads.

I urge you to seek the help you need in the Community Posts and Threads. If sleep is a problem, there are many posts dealing with this. Make sure that you consult your medical care provider before taking any drugs or supplements.

For sleep, I take acetaminophen (Tylenol), benadryl, and melatonin, and do a Hypno CD. If I awake during the night, I pop in either the Sleep Learning or Subliminal CD to go back to sleep.

Don't get discouraged. ODAT! (One Day At a Time)

ceprise 7 Weeks MWO Program/ 30 Days AF