Hopeful but scared

[chellee]

Hopeful but scared

Hi Boobie-
your story is exactly like mine, except I am 44 ) wine and vodka too.
same thing about husband, I feel almost like I am cheating on him, he has no idea how much I drink, I hide it very well. wake up at night with bad pain in my back and legs so I use that as an excuse to have a drink. have my dr. appt. today to start the program, look forward to hearing about your progress.

[Phil in HK]

Hopeful but scared

Hi Boobie -

Welcome and glad you are here. I have only been a few days here and fortunately came here when my need to stop was foremost in my mind. In just a few days I have found that I am not alone, found wonderful support from others who understand what it is like. You are definitely not alone. I'd been secretly drinking vodka straight from the bottle for several years (at least half a bottle a day) and it was ruining me..I've only made it Day 4, and although it is difficult, mentally I am feeling proud of myself, and the support here with wonderful people helps. You are definitely not alone in this and so many of us can relate. Even small steps to slowly cut down or reduce in any way are great mental boosters and keeping a record of how much you drink helps.

Several people here made a great suggestion of writing down in great detail all the reasons why you want to stop and all the things that you have done after drinking. I did this and it was a great help, since every time I have felt like reaching for a drink, I have read what I wrote (and added to it) and said I don't want any more of these thoughts.

It's so tough, we all know, but you have great support here and please let us know how you are doing and check back...people here really do care and understand

[Green bean]

Hopeful but scared

Hallo Boobie
I have been in this program for like five days, and I really know how you feel. I know that worthless feeling, I know how badly I want to have a few drinks with friends and stop but I just cant. my husband didnt get it until last week when I broke down and cried for hours and said he must help me or else I'll die. I never used to drink like this until a few years ago. It became easier and easier hiding it from my family and friends, but it really killed me, my personality and my social life. I am always ashamed of myself and there is days that pass that I cannot pray because I feel like a looser and that I dont deserve the love and mercy of God. I know exactly how you feel. Lets both stand strong and win this, there is a much better life out there.
Take care,
Green bean

[ceprise]

Hopeful but scared

Just Starting Out Too

I joined MWO 4/2, saw my PCP on 4/3, got my supplements and CDs 4/7, and started the program then. I am a night time drinker and functional alcoholic: functional during the day and a zombie at night. I'm on day three and trying to halve my AL.

I'm a 57 YO married male, two grown boys, arthritic in both knees and about 100 lbs over weight. I've been drinking at night to kill my pain, but consuming over half my calories in alcohol. I told my doc that I now realize that my weight problem isn't because I have a food problem, but it is because I have an alcohol problem.

From your posts you don't say if you have begun the topa, supplements, and hypno. Where are you on that? I'm looking for someone who is also starting to compare notes.

This site has given me so much hope, meeting others who are suffering in secret.

[boobie]

Hopeful but scared

Feeling grateful for all of you!

Hello everyone.

I had to stay away from this site most of today or I wouldn't get any work done. It is so comforting to read all these posts. How it makes me feel scares the crap out of me but it also makes me feel so good.

Lavande thank you for the comfort and friendship!
Yogamomma thank you for the name comments - I'm going to leave it just the way it is now!
Barola... I love the activity comment. It's funny when I'm drinking I make tons of lists of all the things I am going to accomplish the next day but never do any of them except have another drink. Now I'm going to try to do them instead of the drink.
Phil I think the writing is a great idea and will help me to monitor just how much I am consuming - or not consuming!

Finally Ceprise... I have not started any of the products yet. I got everything ordered yesterday and should be receiving cd's and vitamins next week. I'll be seeing a doctor as well because I really want to try the Topo.

I haven't shared any of this with anyone including my husband. He greeted me last night with cocktails. He stops at one or two and I stopped later. The good news is that I stopped a whole lot sooner than I usually do. I think I was actually asleep by 11:30. That's a record for me. I accomplished a lot today too. This is a start.

My heart feels warm in my chest - sort of like when I drink wine - but today it's totally without it. I know it's because of all of you. Thank you!

[Seacailin]

Hopeful but scared

Welcome aboard from a fellow binge drinker. Sounds like you have a great plan in place. As you are beginning to discover, you will have lot's of support here.

[ceprise]

Hopeful but scared

We Share Here First

Yes, Buhbie, we share here first before we do with our families.

I have shared more in the past week with our family on MWO than I have in the past ten years with my wife and family.

Please get the topo, the supplements and the CDs. I had to order a CD player. I'm trying to rip the CDs to mp3 and load onto my mp3 player. lol!

When I come out of the closet, I can get my son to rip and load my mp3 player.

I am feeling up beat. I see my PCP tomorrow. My weight is down. I am in day three of the topo, supplement and hypno program.

I pray for understanding, courage, commitment and strength.

We are here for each other!

[ceprise]

Hopeful but scared

Oh! Oh! Wanted to Let you Know!

My goal is to use the topiramate to detox and decrease AL use as the Topo ramps up. I'm a coward. I need the topo to ramp up as I decrease Al. I cannot go cold turkey. My attraction to the MWO program is that the topiramate and supplements get me off AL gradually. RJ's and others description of MWO is that when a therapeutic levels of topo and supplements are reached, the need for AL is switched off. On day three my TOTAL dosage of topiramate has been 75 mg. The DAILY topo level depicted in the program is 300 mg per day.

I've already achieved an understanding of my problem. I've started a one hour rule. I cannot take a drink for one hour after I return home. Before I'd run to the scotch handle, pour and drink two triple shot rocks in the first half hour. I've given up scotch for good. OMG! I guess that means I'm giving up Rob Roys too!

I believe I've cut my AL intake in halve. My goal is 30 AL free days, My wife has planned an cruise in August. I pray I am worthy of that goal.

[Peanut]

Hopeful but scared

Good for you Ceprise. I found the Topa worked at quite a low level for me, and at the time I was going totally AF and had success. I got up to 100mg and was alright, just rather tired all the time, but when I tried 125mg, I couldn't take it!! I should have stayed at the lower dose! Anyway, play it by ear in terms of what level you end up at. It doesn't have to be 300mg, you may have alot of success at a much lower level. Everybody is different!
You WILL be worthy of your wife's goal of a cruise - think positive and visualize only the best for yourself!

Boobie - keep posting and let us know how you are feeling, ok?

xoxo peanut

[boobie]

Hopeful but scared

Good job Ceprise

Your postings are really encouraging to me. It's funny how we can open up to complete strangers - even though we're not face to face - but not our families yet. I think this is totally okay to get all we need here so that one day we can tell them if we want to.

Cutting your scotch in half is fantastic! Great job and I like the one hour rule too. I am going to try that. I think I'll try that late at night too. Sometimes when I can't sleep I go mix a drink. I can't WAIT for the cd's to get here because I really think the night time hypno could really help me.

Hey Peanut thank you for the feedback on the topo and the encouragement. You made me think about how this week has been. I didn't think I was doing all that great but now when I look back over the week I realized I have drank so much less, have fallen asleep before midnight instead of my usual 2 and 3 a.m., I haven't woken up hung over once this week, and I am so much more aware of what I am doing when I do have a drink. I no longer gulp and I've talked myself out of more alcohol for the last 3 nights.

Thank you!!!!:l

[ceprise]

Hopeful but scared

The CDs work; No More Scotch.

I've been using the hypno CDs to go to sleep. I set my new CD player for single play. I've used the Clearing and Hypno CDs at bedtime on single play. If I get up later, I use the Sleep Learning or Subliminal to go back to sleep. I use rechargeable batteries.

I also formerly would take a "glass or two" to help me to sleep. I'm finished with Scotch. It's too easy to slam down. A British friend of mine told me that the origin of many popular cocktails were in the British Armed Forces. For example, rum cocktails originated in the British Navy, where they would mix the men's rum ration with fruit juices to ward off scurvy. The gin drinks originated in the British Army where it would be mixed with tonic to ward off malaria.

I asked him what Scotch warded off. He said "Reality". He was right. No more Scotch!

I used the one hour rule tonight. I appreciate everyone's postings. I look forward to my alcohol free day.

[MamaZum]

Hopeful but scared

Ceprise, we r close in location, and close to meeting our goals too. My language is not English, so pardon my mistakes! We can do it. I had 2 almoast AF days too. I thought it would be a breeze. It is not!! As soon as I was alone at home, I went shopping!

BTW, what is "one hour rule"?

[finallymadeit2]

Hopeful but scared

Peanut;589931 wrote: Good for you Ceprise. I found the Topa worked at quite a low level for me, and at the time I was going totally AF and had success. I got up to 100mg and was alright, just rather tired all the time, but when I tried 125mg, I couldn't take it!! I should have stayed at the lower dose! Anyway, play it by ear in terms of what level you end up at. It doesn't have to be 300mg, you may have alot of success at a much lower level. Everybody is different!
You WILL be worthy of your wife's goal of a cruise - think positive and visualize only the best for yourself!

Boobie - keep posting and let us know how you are feeling, ok?

xoxo peanut

Hey Peanut,

Do you take the 100 mg all at once or divided into 2 doses? I am currently only up to 50 mg. and I take it in the afternoon. I definitely would like to increase my dose, have a feeling that 100 mg. could be my magic number, as I already feel a difference on 50 mg. I take it around 3 in the afternoon as that's when my cravings start to hit. So..... if I can increase my dose and take it all at once, I'm hoping I can just do it once a day and not have to keep track of taking pills too many times a day. If anyone else wants to jump in here please do!

[finallymadeit2]

Hopeful but scared

Sorry I just hijacked this post..... I'll send Peanut a PM!

[ceprise]

Hopeful but scared

Welcome MamaZum

I found I was drinking two triple shot drinks within 30 minutes of arriving home. I have now decided to wait at least one hour before having a drink to show self control. Therefore, the one hour rule.

If I can control for one hour, then maybe I can be in control for two hours, then three hours, etc.

Welcome here. Please feel free to share. What is your native language? Don't feel uncomfortable. Many of us have traveled and worked in other countries.