Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

[capricorn2009]

At the beginning of the year I decided to give up smoking, get fit, and be alcohol free for the month of January. I managed successfully to do all of them and felt fantastic! But since allowing myself to drink again, I keep going overboard and ending up smoking. When I'm not drinking I don't even think about smoking!

I have always been someone who just doesn't know when to stop when it comes to drinking. I feel like I'm not fun when I'm not drinking and everyone else is. If I could just stick to 2-3 glasses of wine I'd be fine, but it's SUCH a fine line... 1 glass just makes me want another, 2 glasses I am feeling a little lightheaded and 3 would be just right to get me tipsy and feeling happy, by the 3rd glass I'm tispy enough to throw all self control out the window and before I know it after a bottle I'm up and dancing and the life of the party and ready to and get more wine and keep partying! So I end up staying out later than planned, smoking all night and then feeling like crap in the morning and BEATING MYSELF UP about it.

I'm better than I used to be at least.... since I've been 'being hard on myself'. There have been MANY times in the past where I've not remembered getting home and woken up on the couch with a trail of clothes, bag, keys, shoes from the front door.

Yesterday I went to a friend's barbecue at 2pm and managed to avoid drinking right through until about 7pm. All it took was for me to talk to my friends about it and say how I'd kill for a glass of wine and a cigarette (they were all drinking and smoking and relaxed and having so much fun!).... I should have just not said anything because they all told me I need to relax more, and not be so hard on myself. "If you want a glass of wine and a cigarette - just have one!" so one of them poured me a glass of wine and put in front of me, so I drank it. Then a few top ups later and we ran out of wine so I had a vodka, ended up smoking and out 'til midnight. I don't even know why I didn't go home earlier- I'd planned to go home around 6pm ish and it wasn't even until about 7pm that I slipped up!

So today, I'd planned to be up at 6am and go for a run, and it's now 4pm and I've spent the entire day feeling sorry for myself and lazing about at home - BEATING MYSELF UP.

A friend just called me and I talked to them about it, and they said the same thing, I'm just being too hard on myself. I'm known amongst my friends as being one of the most motivated and disciplined people around... and I am, but I want to be more disciplined because I know how much more I could get out of life. I LOVE waking up at 6am full of beans.

I'm 38 years old and these are friends who have been in my life for as long as 20 years, so 'finding new friends' is not an option. I sometimes wonder if I just drink because I'm a bit lonely? I don't have a partner and live alone. I love living alone, but at least if I had a partner there'd be some restriction on how long I can stay out.. but then at the same time maybe they would be out with me and drinking too! It's what everybody does!

Perhaps someone who isn't biased and doesn't know me can give me an outsiders opinion?

My friends think I "deserve" to "relax and have a drink" when I work so hard and am so disciplined in everything else I do (yesterday I'd done a 15km run in the morning!). They don't think I am being destructive in any way, that I am just being hard on myself and should lighten up.
Are they right? Or does the fact it's bothering me this much mean I do actually have a problem?

:new:

[Sweaty Betty]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Hi. You sound a lot like I did when I came here. I don't know how I would define 'problem', but you're obviously not comfortable with your level of AL intake. What do you want to do? Are you worried that you'll lose friends if you don't drink? You know that you can go without AL because you did it in Jan, maybe do another 30 days but just keep it to yourself? I was really worried about being in social situations without AL, but its actually ok - big shock! I've found Yoga has really helped me relax and notice a difference when I'm not doing it. Have a read, have a think and come back and post. It's quiet here at the minute, but I'm sure there'll be others along after me.

Bx

[Blue Sky]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

:welcome:Hi Capricorn and welcome

I think you've summed it up yourself. Alcohol is causing you a problem as it stopped you doing what you had planned to do yesterday. You are not happy at feeling hungover all day yesterday. Only you really know but as someone else wrote on this site, people without a problem with alcohol do not lie in bed worrying about whether or not they have a problem!

This site has members all across the drinking spectrum, from those who binge occasionally to serious alcoholics. Everyone inputs a great deal of insight and advice. Check out the posts by Mooderator, I think you will find you have alot in common with her and she's been supportive to me. So have a read around the forums, look in Toolbox under Monthly Abstinance. It's got some good ideas to beat the social drinking (BBQ) situation. You could start by writing down how bad you felt yesterday and how annoyed you were with yourself that you ruined the day. Then next time you are going to be around your friends re-read that list.

It's not easy when others put pressure on you to relax and join in drinking. But there are other ways to relax, your running for example. I don't think it makes any difference if you have a partner or not. Many women on this site drink dispite (because of?) having partners and children. You can be lonely in a relationship too.

I would suggest having 30 Days Alcohol Free and see how you feel after that. You can always tell your boozy mates that you are on a diet...I found I lost 7 lbs without trying so it's almost true.

I hope you're not in the UK cos the weather heare really hasn't been up to BBQ this weekend! Wherever you are, Happy Easter.

[last10years]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

:welcome:Hi Cap - I don't have a lot of expertise to share as I'm wrestling with the same thoughts. I am on day 3 AF (and quit smoking in Jan 2)...even though only 3 days, it sometimes feels like 3 months. Regardless, I was in the same boat as you. The friends, the parties, the drinking and smoking. However, I'm in my mid 30's as well and it the whole thing was making a mess out of my life (hangovers, next day depression, familiy/friend fights, and what I now know is an addiction). I know it's an addiction as I feel very lonely without drinking (and bored!) and my WD is another piece of proof. Anyway, regarding your friends....Just my opinion -- They find safety in numbers and feel better about themselves if you are drinking and smoking with them. They will get used to you not drinking and smoking if that's the route you choose. It might be strage at first, but it will go away and be much better for you. Use this site and group of folks...it has held me strong for the last 3 days (and many more)! Good luck and hope to see you around. Last 10.

[capricorn2009]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Thanks so much for your quick replies! I felt a little teary reading them. As much as I love my friends and I know their intentions are good, I don't feel they understand that all I want a little support and encouragement with stopping drinking, rather than telling me it's ok to get drunk. It's NOT ok! I really don't WANT to keep getting drunk! Even with my running they just think I'm crazy, what's so wrong with wanting to be super fit and healthy rather than party girl?? I'm not worried about losing my friends, I know that won't happen... but it does bother me that they may not think I'm fun any more, and that when I talk to them about this they think I'm being silly and I worry they're now starting to find it annoying....
So maybe this is the best place for me to get some unbiased support from people who understand where I'm coming from.

I've been reading Mooderator's posts, and they are very inspirational! I have even just set myself up on the drink tracker, with today as a nice yellow "0". I am doing a half marathon on May 17, then the weekend after my little sister is coming over to visit from New Zealand (I am in Sydney, Australia) and do not want to drink at all until then. Even then I will set a plan to drink 'moderately' then go back to abstinence afterwards. It will definitely be a big help with my half marathon training... actually - it's the ONLY way I can really keep the commitment needed.

I have a birthday lunch to go to tomorrow at the local pub. I am positive I can get through it without drinking. After reading the posts here I think it seems like a good idea to write down the plan so here goes:

Waking up positive and sticking to no drinking I will:
- go to the gym at 8am
- have a nice healthy lunch and get hydrated with lots of water at the pub for my friends birthday
- come home at 3pm and check back in here
- get an early night and be ready for the gym at 6am on Tuesday morning feeling healthy!

Waking up tomorrow feeling weak and allowing myself to 'relax and just have a drink I will
- skip the gym and have a lazy morning and feel guilty about it
- go to my friends lunch and think 'bugger it - I'll get a bottle of wine"
- end up carrying on at lunch until 9pm, drinking and smoking
- stagger home drunk and not be able to sleep because I'm worried about the hangover in the morning
- 6am wake up hungover, maybe skip the gym (or struggle through it hung over)
- be tired and distracted at work all day

It's a no-brainer!!!

[last10years]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Good Luck Cap! Take a print out of this page and put it in your pocket before you go. I did this my first day out of the house, still feeling ill and wanting to drink to make it go away. When you get the temptation....slip away for a minute and read your notes through. Sometimes a simple reminder is all it takes to get throug the day! Last10

[capricorn2009]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

great idea - I will! thank you

[Sweaty Betty]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Hey Capricorn - I'm in Singapore and I'm going back to the Uk to do my first ever 5k on May 17th - the race for Life (Breast Cancer Charity ). I have never ever run before and have just started training. I'm alcohol free for 4 weeks from tomorrow as I just feel better. I think you sound 'together' enough to know what you want - am looking forward to seeing how you do. Bx

[mooderator]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Hiya Capricorn.

I see we have much in common! I also see that this has been duly noted by my lovely fellow MWOers, which is brilliant. You are off to a good start. I think the drink tracker really assists. If you want to share any ideas post them or feel very free to PM me anytime. I am happy to give and receive support.

Good Luck with this process. I am day 50 AF today and for the first saturday in a while yesterday I didnt even think about AL. I recommend you go a good while AF, it has really helped me.

Love Moo

[Angelcakes]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Hi Cap, I too am 37yrs old & from Sydney - currenty living in NZ. Your story sounds like my story & it's easy to tell ourselves we're OK as we don't drink all the time, are generally healthy - exercise & diet wise and run pretty great lives. But now that you know there's something better you can't go back I'm afraid - you can't undo the knowledge that you're better off not drinking and therefore not smoking. And I agree - I beat myself up about the smoking for sure - I freaking hate it and it makes me really depressed to wake up after I've smoked - which I only do when I've had a few drinks. Don't even think about it at other times.
Anyway, I look forward to getting to know you - come join Betty & myself on 'The Next day thread' in the general section...it's for everyone but particularly for the Antipodeans as it's in our time zone.

[Ann]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Hi Cap, we have a lot in common too. I struggle with alcohol issues (and bottles!) so much, I live alone also and am mid 30's, drinking since teens. Sounds like you already know that your drinking is a problem for you - if you think its a problem, then it is. I liked the line from Blue Sky that says people without a problem do not lie in bed worrying if they have a problem lol - it's so true. The one thing you will find here is that everyone is in the same boat as you - struggling along various stretches of the road, trying to be better. So I guess you should listen to your own heart right now, not your friends advice. Your fitness and exercise regime sounds like a great platform for assisting you. You are also really brave to speak about this to your friends! I admire that as I would be mortified to do that. Take care and be well...Ann

[boozehag]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Hey Cap
The difference between you and your friends is that you know that your drinking is impinging on your preferred lifestyle but theirs may not be and subconsciously your friends may not want you to suceed at not drinking as that could make them seem worse - there is safety in numbers and all that. Lots of us have that smoking drinking issue and three drinks does seem to be the tipping point. Once you add in the nicotine (particularly if you dont smoke all the time) that is a mega king hit to the brain and your endorphins go up like a rocket and the rational part of the brain closes down. So one minute you want to go home to bed and the next minute its "lets get this party started already"! There is an huge amount of information on this site that will help you figure out a solution so that you can have the lifestyle you want. You certainly dont have to lose your friends and you might be surprised once you get going and they get used to the "new" or improved version of you a few of them might even join you.
BH

[OverIt2007]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Hi Capricorn. Oh Wow, reading your post was like looking in the mirror for me. I have felt that way, and wondered the same thing many times. In fact, you seem very much like me. We are around the same age, and single. I believe the fact that you feel such inner turmoil is not that you are being "too hard" on yourself, its your inner self telling you that what you are doing is not truly satisfying and not the way you want to live your life. I know how fun it is to be out with friends and be wasted. I have done that many times, and like you, I beat the shit out of myself the next day. I guess the difference is that some people dont care as much about their drinking than others, or maybe alcohol effects others in different ways. I think your also at the age, (like me) where we start wanting more out of life as well (?) Maybe its possible that you can only answer the questions you ask. Do what makes you happy and feels good in the long term, not just in the short term where you find yourself in compromise.

[LVT25]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

Hey cap!

:welcome: You've got some great advice here. Have you read My Way Out yet? My story is also a lot like yours, but I didn't get smart and give an af life a real try until I was 48.

My smoking addiction grew worse over the years......I only smoked when I drank, and soon I was noticing I was drinking a lot more often so I could smoke--or was it vice-versa?

Anyway, to make a long story short.....I haven't had any alcohol for almost 7 months and I know that if I had any I would not be able to stop thinking about having "just one" cigarette.

We need to retrain the brain. I had to stay away from my smoking/drinking friends for awhile. The temptation was too great. Now it's ok. I'm not one for giving much advice--but I'd rethink that party in the pub....and not that you need to give up the friends you have now, but maybe you can find some new ones that you have something in common with and are a little more supportive???

i hope you stick around, this program really helped me!

[SpiritGirl]

Confused! Do I have a problem or am I just being too hard on myself?

I didn't stumble on this post by accident. I feel like I was meant to read it. I have not been online in a couple of weeks, and your post is EXACTLY where I am... The wondering, the guilt... The inablilty to stop at 1-2 glasses. I am all or nothing...

I had this epiphany as I read through all the posts on this thread. When we are sick or injured - the pain is a GOOD thing.. It indicates that something is wrong. Pain causes us to call the doctor, to go to the hospital, seek help... Without the pain we would have no signal that something is wrong...Thus, the ailment would never get treated... Maybe the GUILT and the self-loathing after a night of drinking is the same for us... It indicates that something is not right... Without the guilt and "inner turmoil" we would not want to get better, or do better... We would simply keep drinking ourselves into oblivion.. having blackouts...wasting the next days away in bed, on the couch...

Thank you for your post... I, too, could have written it myself yesterday... Today is day 2 for me... I would like to make it 30 days... I would also like to get fit and start running... Any advice for new runners??

Thanks again for taking the time to share... I loved your pros and cons lists... Very good idea...