Hi All,
Today is day 14 for me! I really can't believe it, I have had so many false starts for so long! I thought I'd share a few of my thoughts in the hopes it might help another newbie.
How do I feel now? I feel calmer, much less anxious despite financial difficulties. Better energy and focus. Able to be more present with my kids. And best of all, I am sleeping. A lot. At 9 pm I am wiped, beyond wiped; I take a smidgen of Melatonin for insurance, only 1.5 mg, and I am OUT. This weekend I have slept about 11 hours each night. A far cry from what I was doing while drinking, which was waking up constantly and drinking more wine to get back to sleep, and sometimes skipping work because I felt so crummy. And drinking more throughout the morning, just to ensure the crappiness endured for the entire day!
I'm not sure why I have made it this far this time. I've had some great off-line support from a couple of MWO-ers. I am taking Campral, though am about out of it and probably won't try to get more; a multivitamin, calcium, milk thistle and when I can, an Omega 3,6,9. I try to run or walk each day and eat well. But I think mostly it's because I really was swirling the drain. I was barely functional. I drank through four days of work (I work from home) and I am the main breadwinner for my family. If I had screwed up my relationship with this client, we would have been totally screwed. I can't believe I did that. I was worried I'd throw up on my way to pick up my 12 year old at school, so I walked with plastic bags, just in case. My social life, what little of it there was, revolved around how I felt due to drinking, and whether or not wine would be available. My life had become teeny tiny, and what was left was just crazy ridiculous. I don't know how I allowed myself to get so low, but as we know, AL is very compelling. I guess my point is that I knew, even in my drunken haze, that I had to stop, or I would die, after a long, nasty process of losing everything. Even now I cannot think about taking a drink, because I am actually terrified of it.
No thoughts of modding at this point. For me, one leads to a million. I wish it were not so, but it seems to be, in my case.
I don't have many cravings, and when I do, I just let them go, I use my rational brain, such as it is, to say "this will pass." And it does. Bad feelings come and go, whether we are drinking, or not. The trick is not to reach out for a quick fix, even though it can be very tempting.
As an aside, CNN had a show last night on addiction. It's either repeated or continued tonight at 8PM EST. It was a little weak, I thought, but the researcher who has worked on Naltrexone was on, Dr. Bankole Johnson. There was a guy on who had experienced great success with it, after many many years of hard drinking. I had kind of pooh-poohed the idea, I don't know why, but am now interested to learn more about it. I don't think it's for me, but it does sound promising. The show also mentioned Topamax in the same breath.
SO anyway, this is all to say if I can do it, you can do it. I do not feel ecstatic and bubbly, as some members do, but I feel calm and like my life is not yet over. I have a feeling of hope and of possibility. And I am sleeping.
My best to you all.
Ann
Today is day 14 for me! I really can't believe it, I have had so many false starts for so long! I thought I'd share a few of my thoughts in the hopes it might help another newbie.
How do I feel now? I feel calmer, much less anxious despite financial difficulties. Better energy and focus. Able to be more present with my kids. And best of all, I am sleeping. A lot. At 9 pm I am wiped, beyond wiped; I take a smidgen of Melatonin for insurance, only 1.5 mg, and I am OUT. This weekend I have slept about 11 hours each night. A far cry from what I was doing while drinking, which was waking up constantly and drinking more wine to get back to sleep, and sometimes skipping work because I felt so crummy. And drinking more throughout the morning, just to ensure the crappiness endured for the entire day!
I'm not sure why I have made it this far this time. I've had some great off-line support from a couple of MWO-ers. I am taking Campral, though am about out of it and probably won't try to get more; a multivitamin, calcium, milk thistle and when I can, an Omega 3,6,9. I try to run or walk each day and eat well. But I think mostly it's because I really was swirling the drain. I was barely functional. I drank through four days of work (I work from home) and I am the main breadwinner for my family. If I had screwed up my relationship with this client, we would have been totally screwed. I can't believe I did that. I was worried I'd throw up on my way to pick up my 12 year old at school, so I walked with plastic bags, just in case. My social life, what little of it there was, revolved around how I felt due to drinking, and whether or not wine would be available. My life had become teeny tiny, and what was left was just crazy ridiculous. I don't know how I allowed myself to get so low, but as we know, AL is very compelling. I guess my point is that I knew, even in my drunken haze, that I had to stop, or I would die, after a long, nasty process of losing everything. Even now I cannot think about taking a drink, because I am actually terrified of it.
No thoughts of modding at this point. For me, one leads to a million. I wish it were not so, but it seems to be, in my case.
I don't have many cravings, and when I do, I just let them go, I use my rational brain, such as it is, to say "this will pass." And it does. Bad feelings come and go, whether we are drinking, or not. The trick is not to reach out for a quick fix, even though it can be very tempting.
As an aside, CNN had a show last night on addiction. It's either repeated or continued tonight at 8PM EST. It was a little weak, I thought, but the researcher who has worked on Naltrexone was on, Dr. Bankole Johnson. There was a guy on who had experienced great success with it, after many many years of hard drinking. I had kind of pooh-poohed the idea, I don't know why, but am now interested to learn more about it. I don't think it's for me, but it does sound promising. The show also mentioned Topamax in the same breath.
SO anyway, this is all to say if I can do it, you can do it. I do not feel ecstatic and bubbly, as some members do, but I feel calm and like my life is not yet over. I have a feeling of hope and of possibility. And I am sleeping.
My best to you all.
Ann
Comment