Hello. I have posted this here to let you know that there is another "world" in MWO than "Just Starting Out" You are welcome to join in at all times and I didn't know I could do that when I first joined. It's called General Discussion and you can get so much out of going there.
For all Aussie/NZ timezone people there is The Next Day Thread. You will find that on the General Discussion tab. The Next Day is for anyone who happens to be online and wanting to talk on the Australasian timezone. So you can be a nightowl in any part of the world.
Or join The Army for an entertaining chat on the other side of the world day and night. Welcome.
I was an idiot
Okay, I was sober for 80 days and I blew it because I was feeling overwhelmed. I went on a binge. It would have to go down as one of the most stupid things I have ever done. Not only did I suffer a major hangover, which was a first for me, but I felt sick at myself.
It didn’t last. I picked myself up and got on with being sober again. It has taught me a huge lesson. Getting drunk does not solve anything. It makes everything so much worse. I knew that, but went ahead and drank anyway because I didn’t care. Life got too hard and I turned back to what I knew – get drunk and numb the pain. And while I was at it, after being smoke free for 71 days, I went out and bought cigarettes. Talk about kick yourself while you’re feeling down…
Of course, I didn’t mean to get totally so bad that I blacked out. But blacked out I did to the extent that I remember nothing of that first night. NOTHING. I do remember the pain of the days that followed and how disgusted in myself I felt.
The worst pain? Having your dogs sigh at you because you are disturbing them when they are trying to sleep. Non-dog owners may not understand this, but I think it also applies to kids.
I hadn’t phoned anyone and wasn’t going to. But I did in the end. The curse of the drink. Once it has you in it’s grip, all sensibility goes down your throat with it. I now need to deal with the fallout.
I thought it would be a great idea to tell my family I was a drunk, but had had it under control. My friends already knew. Now I am so totally ashamed of my behaviour – obviously very drunk when I was telling them this, that how can they believe a word I say? I know I have to phone them somehow, but WTF do I say? Obviously I want to avoid this at all costs and pretend it never happened. But it did and do I face them now or later? Redundant question. It will have to happen eventually. That is the dilemma I am facing right now because I thought a couple of drinks which turned into too many to count, would make things better. I must say, though I did know it was possible I wouldn’t stop till I blacked out. I thought it wouldn’t happen - not with the way I’ve been able to stop at a few after being AF for so long. HAH HAH! Not!
Mind you, I didn’t consider 67 AF days a long time, just long enough because I thought my mental state over alcohol was good. So in the end I achieved 80 days sober. Just a few glasses of wine twice with dinner out. Had I kept to that everything would have been fine I thought.
I’m not so sure now. I think that having those few glasses set me up to crave wine again. At the end of my 67 days I really didn’t care whether I had a drink or not. But after my first time of having 2 glasses with dinner, I did look forward to them again. The next time out I had 3 glasses with dinner. And it was all downhill from there at the first bump in the road. Mind you, it was a big bump, but it only grew larger because I kept drinking.
I also found that my mood was changing after nearly 3 months sober. I was thinking about drinking and really wanting a wine at odd times. It was almost like back to the beginning when I drank to huge excess every day. It was strange. I didn’t want to drink all day, it just hit me at odd times. Strangely, usually when I was happy.
I’m not reading this back as I type, because I would like anyone to be reading this to try to gauge the thoughts that are running through my mind as I write, because maybe it will help someone recognise themselves. I would like to be able to mod. I think I still can, but time will tell. It’s just the bumps that I need to stop and say NO to.
I’ve read a lot of you would like to mod and wonder if it is possible. Well, you won’t know till you do what I did I suppose. I do believe from my own experience that you must get to a stage where you are not constantly thinking about your next drink. What I have learned is you must keep a promise to yourself and not go out and BUY THE HOTEL just because you feel you need a drink. If I had stuck to my promise to myself I might not be writing this now. In fact, if you feel you NEED a drink, DON’T. Seriously, it wasn’t the hotel.
If I can help someone along the way by you reading this, then my stuff-up has some meaning at least. I know I won’t do this again. I went off the rails for a short time, which my very good friends here at MWO have told me to be realistic about, after the (I know) huge effort I made, but I have ashamed myself and that is something I just cannot forgive.
There is a lot more to say about this big bump in the road, but suffice to say, I hope I have said enough to help someone out there. And hey, it’s a long enough post anyway. I’ll have to put a warning on it.
I make a solemn promise to you all now, that I will not do this again. I stick with my promises. I made a promise to you all when I first went AF not to drink again for a certain period that I cannot remember, only because I haven’t read back, but I kept my promise and you got me sober, all of you.
Now, how to convince the family who really didn’t need to know…. IDIOT!
But seriously, I have written previously about being honest. I still believe it’s the best thing to do. Just don’t do it when you are drunk and choose WHO you decide you NEED to tell.
Need is a subjective thing – if they don’t need to know, don’t tell ‘em.
I don’t think I have offended anyone during my little binge, but if I did, please accept my sincere apologies.
Love Pan.
For all Aussie/NZ timezone people there is The Next Day Thread. You will find that on the General Discussion tab. The Next Day is for anyone who happens to be online and wanting to talk on the Australasian timezone. So you can be a nightowl in any part of the world.
Or join The Army for an entertaining chat on the other side of the world day and night. Welcome.
I was an idiot
Okay, I was sober for 80 days and I blew it because I was feeling overwhelmed. I went on a binge. It would have to go down as one of the most stupid things I have ever done. Not only did I suffer a major hangover, which was a first for me, but I felt sick at myself.
It didn’t last. I picked myself up and got on with being sober again. It has taught me a huge lesson. Getting drunk does not solve anything. It makes everything so much worse. I knew that, but went ahead and drank anyway because I didn’t care. Life got too hard and I turned back to what I knew – get drunk and numb the pain. And while I was at it, after being smoke free for 71 days, I went out and bought cigarettes. Talk about kick yourself while you’re feeling down…
Of course, I didn’t mean to get totally so bad that I blacked out. But blacked out I did to the extent that I remember nothing of that first night. NOTHING. I do remember the pain of the days that followed and how disgusted in myself I felt.
The worst pain? Having your dogs sigh at you because you are disturbing them when they are trying to sleep. Non-dog owners may not understand this, but I think it also applies to kids.
I hadn’t phoned anyone and wasn’t going to. But I did in the end. The curse of the drink. Once it has you in it’s grip, all sensibility goes down your throat with it. I now need to deal with the fallout.
I thought it would be a great idea to tell my family I was a drunk, but had had it under control. My friends already knew. Now I am so totally ashamed of my behaviour – obviously very drunk when I was telling them this, that how can they believe a word I say? I know I have to phone them somehow, but WTF do I say? Obviously I want to avoid this at all costs and pretend it never happened. But it did and do I face them now or later? Redundant question. It will have to happen eventually. That is the dilemma I am facing right now because I thought a couple of drinks which turned into too many to count, would make things better. I must say, though I did know it was possible I wouldn’t stop till I blacked out. I thought it wouldn’t happen - not with the way I’ve been able to stop at a few after being AF for so long. HAH HAH! Not!
Mind you, I didn’t consider 67 AF days a long time, just long enough because I thought my mental state over alcohol was good. So in the end I achieved 80 days sober. Just a few glasses of wine twice with dinner out. Had I kept to that everything would have been fine I thought.
I’m not so sure now. I think that having those few glasses set me up to crave wine again. At the end of my 67 days I really didn’t care whether I had a drink or not. But after my first time of having 2 glasses with dinner, I did look forward to them again. The next time out I had 3 glasses with dinner. And it was all downhill from there at the first bump in the road. Mind you, it was a big bump, but it only grew larger because I kept drinking.
I also found that my mood was changing after nearly 3 months sober. I was thinking about drinking and really wanting a wine at odd times. It was almost like back to the beginning when I drank to huge excess every day. It was strange. I didn’t want to drink all day, it just hit me at odd times. Strangely, usually when I was happy.
I’m not reading this back as I type, because I would like anyone to be reading this to try to gauge the thoughts that are running through my mind as I write, because maybe it will help someone recognise themselves. I would like to be able to mod. I think I still can, but time will tell. It’s just the bumps that I need to stop and say NO to.
I’ve read a lot of you would like to mod and wonder if it is possible. Well, you won’t know till you do what I did I suppose. I do believe from my own experience that you must get to a stage where you are not constantly thinking about your next drink. What I have learned is you must keep a promise to yourself and not go out and BUY THE HOTEL just because you feel you need a drink. If I had stuck to my promise to myself I might not be writing this now. In fact, if you feel you NEED a drink, DON’T. Seriously, it wasn’t the hotel.
If I can help someone along the way by you reading this, then my stuff-up has some meaning at least. I know I won’t do this again. I went off the rails for a short time, which my very good friends here at MWO have told me to be realistic about, after the (I know) huge effort I made, but I have ashamed myself and that is something I just cannot forgive.
There is a lot more to say about this big bump in the road, but suffice to say, I hope I have said enough to help someone out there. And hey, it’s a long enough post anyway. I’ll have to put a warning on it.
I make a solemn promise to you all now, that I will not do this again. I stick with my promises. I made a promise to you all when I first went AF not to drink again for a certain period that I cannot remember, only because I haven’t read back, but I kept my promise and you got me sober, all of you.
Now, how to convince the family who really didn’t need to know…. IDIOT!
But seriously, I have written previously about being honest. I still believe it’s the best thing to do. Just don’t do it when you are drunk and choose WHO you decide you NEED to tell.
Need is a subjective thing – if they don’t need to know, don’t tell ‘em.
I don’t think I have offended anyone during my little binge, but if I did, please accept my sincere apologies.
Love Pan.
Comment