Not doing so well :-(

[swans]

I have strayed from the MWO forum for a while now. In November I was taking the supplements drinking less, feeling better, loosing weight, going to the gym and coming on here almost every day. Slowly I would forget the supplements, stopped coming on this site and thought I had this alcohol thing beat. What a fool!!!!!

Here I am feeling defeated, that I may never beat this thing/addiction, I am hiding this from everyone including my BF, how bad my drinking has gotten and how bad it was in the past. I hide the wine bottle in my bag so no one in my building will know, I go to different liquor stores so that I will not appear as a drunk. Yet the pathetic part is knowing that I am just fooling myself.

I am feeling scared about my future and feel that I cannot get a handle on this drinking addiction. Yet the only thing I look forward to is drinking......... God bless anyone who has an idea to cope, I feel I don't right now, I feel hopeless, I feel lost.

[Winefree]

Not doing so well :-(

Oh the sneaking and the hiding of AL and the many many different liquor stores. Sounds so familiar and yes, we are only fooling ourselves.
I finally went to counseling and started AA to learn to change. And am reading and reading to learn more on how to cope without the booze and feel our true feelings without numbing them. It isn't easy for sure.
Try reading Drinking a love story. Not 100% my story, but it is truly enlightening on what our problem is all about.

Good luck
WF

[Ask For Help]

Not doing so well :-(

ahh, but the good new is you're here among friends who can help you. Welcome back. Try not to be too discouraged. It sounds like you had some success in November, so try to remember what that felt like. It's not unusual for it to take several trys to "make it stick".

Do you still have some suplements that you could start taking again? Could you start checking in again each day jsut to rally support for yourself until you get to a place your feel ready to start with a plan? When I first started this process quite a while ago I worked with a counselor who didn't have me stop drinking right away, but just had me pay attention to why I drank, and how much and how I felt. I kept a journal. That was very valuable info.

There is LOTS of support here. Stay close. We can help
Ask

[swans]

Not doing so well :-(

Thanks WF, I will read the book, I think I have read a dozen books on alcohol, not that one. And thanks ASK for the support, I plan on keeping it up.

[DeeBee]

Not doing so well :-(

I remember feeling so hopeless when I first joined.... I don't anymore:-) For me it was essential that I stayed close to the boards for daily (even hourly) support and comradarie.
Stick around Swans -- we are here to help one another.

[lil.michelle]

Not doing so well :-(

Oh hun *huge hug* I know JUST what thats like, going to different shops, hiding the bottles.
Try looking at this as a lesson learnt. I know it's easier said then done. The truth is, we can never let our guard down to AL. As soon as we lower it or start to feel a little confident, it creeps back in and takes away everything we work so far. We can't drink. Not now, not ever. We have to be sober for life cause the second we touch a drop, so the drink has won and it will lead back to where we started.
I really am the queen of the slips. My goodness. I'm sitting here and i'm 50 something days sober. I know that no matter HOW much i crave, How much i think, one glass, one sip will be ok, it will not. I've made the mistake you've made time and time again. The sad fact is, i can't say i'll not make it again but what i do know and what i've learnt is to pull myself up and start again.
Remember this will be a lifetime battle and a life time is a very long time so just keep learning from your mistakes. Stay close to this site!
Get back into the rountine you used to do when sober, remember how you felt and looked Reward yourself for not drinking, maybe pampering yourself! Don't let go of the sober feeling and get back on the sober horse *lol*
You can do it, you've done it before. If you REALLY feel you can't, use the magic and wonderful antabuse to give you a kick start!

[OverIt2007]

Not doing so well :-(

Welcome back Swan! Your always welcome here with open arms, you know that.

I've done the same thing you have... avoided MWO as I felt, Oh....I got in under control, I dont need that website anymore. Maybe I never needed it, and if I just avoid that website, maybe I dont have to be reminded WHY I was ever there in the first place!

One thing I have recently been reminded of, is that there are ALL KINDS of ranges of us on MWO. Great successes of years of sobriety, to the ones just starting out. No matter what range you fall in always going to be something useful to discover on here.

Big Hugs of support sent your way. Coming here is a step in the right direction!

[Popeye]

Not doing so well :-(

Hi Swan.
The feeling that you've beaten it and that it'll be OK to let yourself go for a while trips most of us up at some point in the journey. You've discovered that for yourself and maybe you had to go through it to learn it. I know I did...several times.
It's happened though and all you can do is get your plan in motion, gather up your strength and use all the tools you need to get back on track.
I wish you well.

[strawman]

Not doing so well :-(

Hi Swans, Glad to see your back!! Boy, do I know how you feel, I couldn't have written this better myself: "Here I am feeling defeated, that I may never beat this thing/addiction, I am hiding this from everyone including my BF, how bad my drinking has gotten and how bad it was in the past. I hide the wine bottle in my bag so no one in my building will know, I go to different liquor stores so that I will not appear as a drunk. Yet the pathetic part is knowing that I am just fooling myself." How many I've felt this way, hiding it, changing stores. I got to the point that I was only fooling myself, because I drank by myself, closet drinker, so no one would know, talk about pathetic!:anon:

I was at this point once while driving in my car, I was looking for some miracle to stop drinking, :racer: I said "hey, if you really want me to stop drinking..show me a sign..........and I came to an intersection in the road and there it was!!!!!........the sign said "STOP". :H

But, you're back now!!! :yay: Glad to see your back!! You can do this & we can do this together:groupluv: So, dust yourself off, get your game on :boxer:, you can beat this!!! Just take a deep breath...exhale...relax and you're on your way.

[Evie.Lou]

Not doing so well :-(

Welcome Swans, We are all in this together and together we can heal.
Alcohol is a mighty strong foe but there is strength in numbers and TOGETHER we have him out numbered..

[goingtofeelgreat]

Not doing so well :-(

Strawman says it soo well. Dust yourself off, and get yourself a plan.
I to have gone to different stores, in different parts of the city. We forget that we have a disease. It's not like a broken leg, where people can see it, you go to the doctor and within 4-6 weeks you are good as new. It's like chronic depression. A real disease that you can't really see.

We are all on this journey together. We may be driving down different roads, and in different parts of the world, but we are all try to get well.

I wish you well. And we "your MWO friends" will be here for you.

-gtfg :h

[cacky]

Not doing so well :-(

I was at an AA meeting the other night and people were describing how they would go to different neighbors trashcans to throw away their bottles on trashday so that the trash guy wouldnt know how much they were drinking. We all go to such extremes

[swans]

Not doing so well :-(

God bless you all, you have inspired me and filled me with hope. As Strawman says "back in the game"

[alexis1313]

Not doing so well :-(

Welcome Swans - I'm back here again too.

On day 4 AF - trying to go for 30. It's an amazing night - I'm actually going to pick my daughter up from practice - usually I would have to ask somebody to give her a ride since by 9Pm I would be on my 6th glass of wine - of course I thought nobody knew since I put it in a red plastic cup. I could fool them all till I start stumbling and slurring my speech.

It's hard but I'm determined to do 30 days AF - now I'm saying I'll see than if I can try mod but I know I can't. I've been there before - it just goes down hill from there. Yes, I wish I could be "normal". My husband can go out have a sprite, next time he might have a beer - for me it was all about drinking.

Good luck Swans. Let us know how you're doing.

Lex

[Theme2be]

Not doing so well :-(

While you were looking forward to the drink, you, still brought your beautiful prescence here.

You spoke to us that are batteling hopelessness and then even worse so finding our lives in no direction;lost.

You were not lost when you posted. You were home, amongst those that have strayed, felt defeated and beaten.

You, like me, have a condition that unfolds when not arrested.
It is a criminal in disguise.
I have faced unmentionable battles and then to be "fooled" by this enemy , it is pathetic.

You are persevering.
You are preserving your wisdom, as the "fool" in disguise wants to becon you to "look forward to your next rendezvous.".

Once you discover and own that the handle you need to embrace is your own reflection in the mirror, then, I fear this "foolish" disguise of a friend will be defeated enough to take its sick disguise and then release you, me and us into the beauty that awaits.