Why is it that we have a few drinks and feel ourselves getting drunk and know we should stop and go back for more and more until we?re incapable of stopping?
For me, it is a trigger in my brain. Since I have experienced being AF for a longish period of time I notice the trigger starting when I do drink. Hence I stop if I am being sensible.
If I am emotionally upset I ignore that trigger, even tho I know what will probably happen. I know that it will cause me HUGE grief. I know that I will regret it. I know that I am being stupid. I know I am better without AL in my system. So WHY?
I am looking at myself in a new light now that I managed to get of the AL after so many years of abusing myself. What I am seeing is a pattern of self abuse. I don?t need to drink. I feel happier when I?m sober. But that happiness is not something I deserve in my mind ? I think.
Another MWO member suggested this to me and I haven?t stopped thinking about it. I don?t think I do believe I deserve happiness, so I destroy it. Thinking back, I have destroyed so many relationships. Good relationships and WHY? Because those men I believed were too good to be involved with me.
I still believe I am not good enough to be loved by anyone and after reading some research posted by another member, I am starting to understand. My father abandoned us when I was 8. I was also nearly raped when I was 8. My quick thinking saved me. I have always been quick on my feet. However, I felt guilty about that near rape for most of my life. It wasn?t my fault, I know that, but I still felt guilty. The fact that I still think about it makes me wonder if I have been hiding my emotions behind a bottle because of the abandonment and that assault. Only a couple of people know about the assault because I have always felt ashamed.
I had some sessions with a psychologist a couple of years back and I tried to talk to her about it, but she was more interested in getting me to practice Buddhism. I can see what she was trying to do, but she just was not really helpful.
I find it very hard to talk about my feelings. LOL. You would never think so after some of my posts. It?s easy being anonymous, but I don?t feel anonymous here anymore, so all I can say is being here is making it easier to look at myself and try to love me for being me. Other people seem to like me, so why don?t I like myself?
A post that did make me think when I was newly AF was ?What Do You See When You Look in the Mirror?? I saw the person I wanted to be. That was the first time I?d seen that person and I liked it.
After my recent stupid binge I saw the person I?d always seen before. Someone I hated.
Anyway, just a post that I felt I needed to write. I still have some major self examination to do.
I've posted this twice because from what I've read on Starting Out, some newbies don't know how to navigate around the site.
I'm just posting this to help anyone who may have been feeling the same.
For me, it is a trigger in my brain. Since I have experienced being AF for a longish period of time I notice the trigger starting when I do drink. Hence I stop if I am being sensible.
If I am emotionally upset I ignore that trigger, even tho I know what will probably happen. I know that it will cause me HUGE grief. I know that I will regret it. I know that I am being stupid. I know I am better without AL in my system. So WHY?
I am looking at myself in a new light now that I managed to get of the AL after so many years of abusing myself. What I am seeing is a pattern of self abuse. I don?t need to drink. I feel happier when I?m sober. But that happiness is not something I deserve in my mind ? I think.
Another MWO member suggested this to me and I haven?t stopped thinking about it. I don?t think I do believe I deserve happiness, so I destroy it. Thinking back, I have destroyed so many relationships. Good relationships and WHY? Because those men I believed were too good to be involved with me.
I still believe I am not good enough to be loved by anyone and after reading some research posted by another member, I am starting to understand. My father abandoned us when I was 8. I was also nearly raped when I was 8. My quick thinking saved me. I have always been quick on my feet. However, I felt guilty about that near rape for most of my life. It wasn?t my fault, I know that, but I still felt guilty. The fact that I still think about it makes me wonder if I have been hiding my emotions behind a bottle because of the abandonment and that assault. Only a couple of people know about the assault because I have always felt ashamed.
I had some sessions with a psychologist a couple of years back and I tried to talk to her about it, but she was more interested in getting me to practice Buddhism. I can see what she was trying to do, but she just was not really helpful.
I find it very hard to talk about my feelings. LOL. You would never think so after some of my posts. It?s easy being anonymous, but I don?t feel anonymous here anymore, so all I can say is being here is making it easier to look at myself and try to love me for being me. Other people seem to like me, so why don?t I like myself?
A post that did make me think when I was newly AF was ?What Do You See When You Look in the Mirror?? I saw the person I wanted to be. That was the first time I?d seen that person and I liked it.
After my recent stupid binge I saw the person I?d always seen before. Someone I hated.
Anyway, just a post that I felt I needed to write. I still have some major self examination to do.
I've posted this twice because from what I've read on Starting Out, some newbies don't know how to navigate around the site.
I'm just posting this to help anyone who may have been feeling the same.
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