I just don't know anymore...

[Panacea]

what to do. Third time back here. Always thinking I can stay af, but I don't. I just give up and with no fight. There's always a reason to drink that 1st glass of wine. If there's not, I make up a reason. I know I'm such a better person without it. Didn't drink yesterday and slept good last night. Woke up feeling okay, but now I feel like shit. No particular reason, just pissed off at the world. Want to go buy a bottle of wine because I'm bored. Plenty of chores around the house to do, but not doing any of them. The thought of drinking wine, cleaning with the music on sounded like a major fun thing to do! Good times huh? But I'm not. I'm just sitting here feeling sorry for my sad lazy ass who can't clean the house, can't drink her wine, can't seem to put two thoughts together, and can't seem to stop thinking about what a sorry life I'm leading. I'm sick of whining (only to myself in my head) about my problems. I'm so sick of pretending I'm someone I'm not when around people. I just want to "come outta the closet" (I'm not gay) for lack of a better phrase and SCREAM that my life is SUCKING. Maybe if I were gay I could find a nice girl because God knows I'm not finding the right guys! I'm sure drinking has a huge part in that too. I'm 45, single mom, and just so damn pisssed off that I'm at this place in my life.

[startingover]

I just don't know anymore...

Hi Panacea,
Welcome back.
I think we can all relate to the reasons for picking up a drink, it could be anything, happy, sad, lonely, angry, excited, bored....whatever...
I too used to do my cleaning to a buzz....now it gets done less I must admit....
BUT, since I decided to sort my life out and stop the madness, I have begun to realise my life is pretty good really, but it took a good period of sobriety to get to that.
Give it a go. Maybe join one of the daily threads so you can post each day, make some friends and get lots of support? There is also a thread called the toolbox thread that will give you ideas and inspiration to make a plan for yourself....
Here are some of the daily threads you might like to check out
Newbies Nest - In Just starting out forum
ODAT (One day at a time) In just starting out
AF Daily Thread in Monthly Abstinence
Army Thread in General Discusssion
Next Day thread in General...
Mod Squad in Monthly Moderation or Long Term Moderators (I can never remember which one)

Anyway, all these threads are great for ongoing support and everyone will make you feel welcome.
Give it a go...it can only get better.

[OverIt2007]

I just don't know anymore...

Hi Panacea,

I here ya.. Boredom is a HUGE trigger for me, and Im sure many others. Then you feel guilty like, gosh there are so many things I should and could be doing, but I dont feel like it, so why not have a private party with myself and some wine. Oh trust me, I hear ya. Problem is tomorrow you will probably feel like crap about making that decision, and the cycle will go on. I hear ya.

As I have been thinking alot, it really is about changing. I know, easier said than done, but nobody said recovery would be easy. If it were easy, then the rewards would not be as great.

Maybe just take it easy today, but try really hard to not drink. You will feel so much better about yourself tomorrow getting a fresh start to your week.

By the way... I am 41. Single Mom to a 5 year old. Been single for ages, and every single guy I date has been a total asshole and loser. I hear ya!!!!

[cacky]

I just don't know anymore...

Hey guys. im just recently single myself. two small kids. i drink because of boredom too. i try to keep myself busy with social AA events.

[savon19]

I just don't know anymore...

Panacea;606410 wrote: I just want to "come outta the closet" (I'm not gay) for lack of a better phrase and SCREAM that my life is SUCKING. Maybe if I were gay I could find a nice girl because God knows I'm not finding the right guys!

I'm sorry, but you made me chuckle at this - I can relate! (No, I'm not gay either - but it sure looks like I won't find my true love at this point...)

I related to everything you said (except the single mom part - hats off to you for that!). Boredom, pity party (woo hoooo!!), etc. etc.

One thing I've decided is to look at my being AF as an ADVENTURE! I've always been adventurous... and this is surely Unknown territory - so I'm exploring and learning. Wonder what it would feel like to be SIX months sober? (Most I've done is a month.)

Or a YEAR..???

BUT, as we all must do... I'm first looking at each new Day and getting through that small adventure.

And I'm learning to let the past go... I think that's very important.

Oh, and I've been hangin' on this site for dear life! (I wonder if ppl are getting sick of me yet??!)

[brittzak]

I just don't know anymore...

Oh honey, I think many of us can relate to your post. I too am a single Mom. I think you will find life is better sober. I redecorated the whole damn house....painted it and all. My energy level is skyrocketed too. Join a daily thread as suggested...it really helps.

[Lavande]

I just don't know anymore...

Welcome Panacea,

Amazingly, you are the second person that I've responded to today who has mentioned the age 45!! Guess what, that's when my troubles started too! Until then I was just the average, no big deal, give or take it social drinker.
Now, at 55 I have discovered (what happened to me) at that age was a major case of depression and crippling anxiety. I was using wine to 'medicate' because I didn't want to go to the doc and admit my I was having trouble. Well, the wine thing soon got out of control and I created a lot more problems for myself. I finally went to the doc at 50 and was put on an AD. It didn't work, made me feel worse actually, so I drank even more. I finally hit the wall back in January when I found MWO. What a blessing!!

I'm happy & proud to say that I will be 6 weeks AF in a few days, off the AD, taking some natural herbal supplements and feel great

You can do it too. Just hop back on the wagon, we're here to help, whatever it takes.

All the best,
Lavande

[sandybeach]

I just don't know anymore...

i just signed on my mood is scared. My Mom passed away in january and had been sick for 5-7 years sge died in a facility and since she got sick I've been drinking more and more and now that she has passed i'm still drinking too much.

couple of questions...If i stopped drinking yesterday and do not plan on drinking for a long while what should i expect. I'm in pretty health.

Thanks for the answer

[OverIt2007]

I just don't know anymore...

SandyBeach,

Sweetheart, do you know how to post your own thread? Go to the top of the page, to "Post new Thread". Im afraid your answers will probably get lost in someone else's post.

Im sorry about you losing your Mom. That must be real hard. This is a wonderful place for support and to get your feelings out. Lots of great help on here.

Love, Overit

[Panacea]

I just don't know anymore...

Hey friends! Thanks for the kind words. I knew you'd come to the rescue. What I'm most scared of is feeling better, thinking that I'm fine, then ditching again and drinking. It'll work for awhile. Couple of glasses of wine a week, then daily...still not completely drunk atll the time, but buzzing each night. Then feeling like crap about the whole thing, slight hangover everyday....then just plain angry at the world. I start to hate myself for coming on here and whining....think you all don't want to hear what I have to say. Why would you? You don't know me. I push everyone away while I'm drinking because I do such a damn good job at hiding it. But I'm just hiding myself, and not living my life at all. Its all a show, a movie that I'm acting in. When alone, thats real life and its just not fun. I do nothing really for myself. Everything for my daughter and when she's at her dads, I just don't function, or can't funtion because I don't have too. I used to run alot and go to the gym, but don't feel like I deserve to go for some reason. I don't really feel that I deserve too much and I need to make sure my girls okay. If thats okay, then I'm okay....but I'm not, so that's not working for me either.

[OverIt2007]

I just don't know anymore...

Panacea,

The great thing about this site is that you CAN whine, and its a place to get it off your chest and sort it out. I am very impulsive and have posted some stupid shit, its all good.

As you see, a bunch of people and alot of women totally understand where you are coming from. We are all not so different. Good days and totally crappy days, highs and lows. Just keep coming back and know there is someone on here who will listen and can usually relate.

Its hard being a single Mom, I know. Very isolating and lonely at times, but that doesnt mean that things cant get better. You have your little girl, thats a blessing!

[Panacea]

I just don't know anymore...

Hey all...so today I'm still af. Day 3. Woke up with a little better attitude. I'm hoping for a good day, but weary of not. I'm clear headed and possibly even motivated now, the anger, for now, has subsided. Wishing all a good day and thankful you're here. I'm sure I'll be whining in a few hours! Thanks for letting me.