Dying but Trying

[race]

Hi - I'm new, and pretty much a train wreck for the past several months. I'm here hoping to make some new friends. I have friends that are supportive of me trying to quit drinking, but nobody that really understands what I'm going through. :lordhelpme:

I'll try to keep this short - last summer my oldest brother died at 52 for the same reason I'm going to if I don't quit, and I'm only 41. Other than the drinking, I'm in good shape, built well, look good to others but not in the mirror. Most relationships I've had have been lost because of my drinking so I'm alone again, including my most recent back in October. I got laid-off a few days before Christmas and started drinking hard (again) after about five weeks of the not so successful job search.

I've been sinking back into the heavy consumption after quitting for a week. It started slowly, but has been getting worse.

When this started to get relly bad a friend of mine took me to the hospital where I thought they would probably lock me up until I got better - not so - even though my BAC was .50!!! I don't want to go through the withdrawles again - it was horrible! Ihave been drinking again though. I know this is a genetic thing for me, not like other addictions, even though I do have an addictive personality. I guess that's what always keeps me faithful to one girl. That's one of the few things I can feel good about.

I have a lot going for me but I feel so destroyed emotionally and from a self esteem & self respect standpoint, I'm not moving forward very well. Hence, the alcohol has come back into the picture.

I've had tears in my eyes again for the past few days when I think about what a mess I've made of myself and what I've lost. I spent years building a race car that I'm going to be forced to sell since I'm out of work, and will probably end up selling another. I was doing so well, and now I'm close to having nothing - I'm crushed.

I'm eating well, and taking vitamines, Ensure shakes, Pediasure, Spirulina, & B1 on top of it to make sure I have that going for me, but my mind doesn't stop. I worry too much and have this house with no one here, and no girl to go see. This is a bad thing for me so here I am.

I live in St. Louis and would like to hear from someone local. I've been working on PC's to make some extra money so I get a little tired of being on a keyboard - a live voice would be nice once in a while. I'm really asking anyone to have some patience since my response may not be there right away.

I guess that wasn't so short, but thank you for reading. Evereyone on this site will be in my prayers.:thanks:

[Sheepish]

Dying but Trying

Hi Race
I am sorry for the loss of your brother- it does not have to be like that for you. I know you are looking for 'local' folks but one of the great thing s about MWO is that there are folks here from all over the world, any time day or night- and they are really quite lovely. Give the site a chance- do some reading and see if you can download the book. You are not alone in your situation by any means.
Please give yourself and this site a chance-
Best Wishes and stick around!
-Sheep

[startingover]

Dying but Trying

Hi there Race.
You really are going through a tough one just now arent you? There is a way out you know. Like Sheepy says, stick around, do lots of reading and posting. Allow us to support you (the support here is fantastic) and give you inspiration and advice.
I too have lost my job, I know how frightening it is. But in every possible way, drinking makes the anxiety worse.
Also, know that its NEVER too late to turn your life around. I am 45 I started to turn my life around 10 months ago. For the first time in many many years, possibly ever I feel good about myself. Getting rid of alchohol and drugs REALLY will change your mindset.
Good luck !

[Angelcakes]

Dying but Trying

:welcome: Race,
The loss of your brother must've been devastating, but he'd want you to learn from his life. As the others have said it's not too late for you, read a lot, get to know some people. It's really hard to quit drinking, but it's so worth it....

xo

[ronnie]

Dying but Trying

Hi race and welcome, I am quite new here and there are other people that can give you alot more advice than me. All I can say is that you said "you have alot going for yourself" well please please take it you can get through this and everyone here will try and help you, you have to keep reading the post here and keep in touch with us. You know you can do it! love ronnie xx

[Blue Sky]

Dying but Trying

:welcome: race

You can change the future. You are not alone!:l

Read and post, lots of support here. Look in the Toolbox thread under monthly abstinance forum for lots of ideas to help.

Sorry I am far from local.

[greeneyes]

Dying but Trying

Hello race and welcome! I understand your feelings about yourself as you face your losses. Truly, AL makes them so much worse. Do make sure you are drinking enough water and then some to make up for the dehydrating effect of AL. Have you considered AA for some face-to-face support? There is an AA weekly thread on that you may want to take a look at. Good luck!

[Lavande]

Dying but Trying

Welcome Race,

So sorry to hear about your losses. Life can be excessively brutal at times leaving us at a loss as to how to deal with it all. You do definitely have our support.

Making a good solid plan for yourself is essential. I know how tough it is to get started but you won't be sorry. Please do all the research & reading as the others have suggested. There is no one right way to do this - you have to find what is right for you. You know yourself better than anyone.

I have been AF for 7 weeks now and can't even begin to tell you how much my life has improved already. Life is totally different when you experience it with no hangover and a clear mind. The return of your confidence & self esteem is just wonderful.

You can do this too, we will be here to give you all the support you need.

Wishing you the best,
Lavande

[savon19]

Dying but Trying

Welcome, Race - I hope you don't mind... but I'm going to PM you! (Personal Message - look for the little alert at top right.)

Not even sure what I'm going to say... but I feel compelled somehow to say Something. If nothing else, maybe I'll be your First PM!!!

Glad you found this site. Sometimes I think the website name should be changed to Compassion.com. I think Compassion is one of humanity's highest emotions.

I just googled "compassion" and this came up: Compassion, the Supreme Emotion

Nooo, I'm not a Buddhist (however, Love the Dalai Lama!), but, this is a Universal concept.

Gosh - I'm so sorry about your brother.

[mooderator]

Dying but Trying

Hiya

Again, truely sorry for your loss. You are obviously not in a good place right now. But the good news is you have found us. We are a motley crew of people from all over the place that can give you as much support as you will allow us too. That applies to the main issue of AL but also with life in general.

As stated, keep reading and posting and using the tools here and you will find something that resonates with you, your "way out".

Good luck and a big welcome


Moo oo

[Seacailin]

Dying but Trying

Hello and welcome
I am very sorry for the loss of your brother. You do not have to be another victim of this beast. I know that withdrawal is horrible, and can be dangerous. I had to do it with medical supervision and medication. Please be sure to get your doctor on board if possible to help with withdrawal. It can mean the world of difference. Best wishes as you begin your new life.

[race]

Dying but Trying

Thank You, Both, for your kind words. I think I've about come to terms with the loss of my brother, and the fact that I could only do so much to help him, even though I know I have the same problem. He just wouldn't let the rest of the family in.

I planned a busy day for myself, so I can stay active and keep my mind from going nuts. That's all I can do to keep me out of the bottle right now - it's helping and I'm going to keep trying.

Thanks again! All My Best!!!
Race-

[race]

Dying but Trying

I appologize, I should be thanking ALL of you. I didn't realize there where so many responses to my post. I appreciate everything you've all had to say - Sherri, you pretty much read my mind. Speaking of movies, "You Kill Me" was pretty entertaining. Of course I've always had a thing for Tia Leoni - LOL.

I've been to several AA meetings and I'm not sure that's for me. I won't give up on that, but I'm hoping I'll find the resources here that are better suited for me, or at least support when I need it most.

I'm not completely free of the alcohol yet. To be honest, I'm afraid the withdrawls would kill me if I went completely dry all at once. I do have some meds that I'm taking and have cut back in a major way. I'm going to download the book and get more familiar with how this site works.

Thank You, ALL, Again!!!
Race-

[polaryzed]

Dying but Trying

Welcome Race . . .

:welcome: Race . . .

Looks like you are taking the good advise here to heart. :goodjob:

I hope you will keep coming back and sharing, there is a Wealth of Information within this web-forum.