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[GoldieGirl]

I have not posted since January but desperately need help. I can't stop drinking. Maybe for a day or two, then the silent urge nudges me and before I know it I stop and buy some wine. I know this is taking a toll on me physically and as much as I think I'm hiding it I know I'm only fooling myself. I am spending money I don't have on this. I buy more than I can drink, then pour it down the drain with a new resolution to not drink anymore. I wake up every day with shame, guilt and a resolution - today I will drink no more. Then I do. I am so sad, mad and dissapointed in myself. I would like to go to dr but am embarresed. I go to work daily and put up a nice front to everyone - most people would be shocked if I said - I'm an alcoholic. The irony to this situation is I have 2 sons that are alcoholics, my husband is an alcoholic and I have spent years educating myself on alcoholism and could always take it or leave it. I started an Alanon group in our community. Then in the last 2-3 yrs alcohol has got ahold of me. I believe in a higher power and pray daily for help. I have to do this - I have to overcome this. I have to find a way when this urge overtakes me to not give into it. Right now I feel worthless. I do have the tapes and need to use them. I am going to buy some Kudzu. Any advice would be appreciated.

[DeeBee]

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Hi Goldie,

You are NOT worthless!!! It's the AL making you feel like that -- you CAN change.

What tools are you using Goldie?
Have you read the book My Way Out?

[GoldieGirl]

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I have the book and read it months ago. I need to get it out and reread it. I have the tapes and need to use them. My excuse - I'm too busy but don't seem too busy to stop and buy alcohol. Thank you for saying I'm not worthless. I do feel we all have a purpose in this life and I know I am wasting precious hours and minutes of my life when I drink.

[DeeBee]

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Going back to the basics is always a good idea.
Read the book again
Listen to the tapes
What about trying the supps? The Kudzu and L-Glut have always helped me
And very important is EXERCISE. I can't stress to you enough the effect it has had on this couch potatoe. Just a walk or a run around the blog. It releases all those happy endorphins and makes me feel so good about myself.

Drinking does steal hours and days from our lives. I was always amazed at just how much time I had (esp on weekends) when I wasn't drinking.

[GoldieGirl]

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Thank you for your support. I know I have to make a plan and follow thru. I have decided one thing I am going to do is...have a rule, I cannot buy any alcohol until I have walked 1/2 mile. (around our addition 1x) I am not going on the walk with the intent that I will buy A at the end of the walk, it is to give me time to think. I am going to think about the effects A is having on my life, physically, financially and spiritually. I am going to think how good it will feel to wake up and have another AF day, the guilt & shame I won't lug around all day. Knowing I am improving my health so I will be here to see my 6 grandchildren graduate from school, marry, if that is their destiny and have a family. I want to be strong, I want to be the person God intended for me to be. I am going to pray and start going to church again. I am going to read the book, listen to the tapes - today is Day 1.

[Lavande]

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Welcome GoldieGirl,

Sounds like you have all the tools needed to get started - now you need to make a firm commitment to just do it! Convince yourself you can do this because you really can. Get those first few AF days under your belt and see how amazing you feel. My desire to quit grew stronger as each and every day passed because I finally felt proud of myself. Replacing self loathing & guilt with strength & pride is a fabulous feeling

Don't waste any more time - jump on the wagon with us. We're all here to help.

Best wishes and blessings,
Lavande

[Popeye]

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Hi GoldieGirl.
I can relate.
Going to the doctor and baring my soul took a lot for me. I felt stupid and weak admitting that drink had got the better of me to a real person, but when I did it, I realised that I was anything but. It was a major factor in getting me to my current alcohol-free state.
We all feel worthless and useless when this thing takes a hold and we feel we there's nothing we can do to get ourselves together, but we can, and you can get your life back.
Use everything you've got and take all the help on offer from here and elsewhere. There is no shame in making a better life for yourself.
I wish you luck.

[time2change]

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Goldie
Many of us have been in your shoes. You have a good plan. Stick with it and never give up. You can do this. Read and post here often. You will hear many success stories and you can be one of them.

[paula]

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Hi Goldie, it's not long ago that I was in the same mind as you, but each day that you don't drink you feel better. I remember being in the depths of despair an thinking this disease was going to kill me, well it will if I keep drinking. I have decided that I have too much to live for.
Best of luck .
Paula.

[Miss Blossom]

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Hi Goldie,
Don't beat yourself up, it's such a vicious cycle. It sounds like you personally need support. If all your family are alcoholics, it's a given that you would be the rock - but who is there for you? Reach out to the people in your community and find people to give you some strength and support and compassion - it sounds as though you are not finding it within or outside. Physical, present support in the form of a friend, relative or someone can be the spark you need to pull the pin on this cycle and help you find yourself and you life again.
I've been where you are many times and I hate it, and I understand. The best thing I do (for me - it might not be your answer) is go to the gym, have a run or a physical workout to clear my head, and boost my feel good chemicals. Wen I do that I do not need to drink because I can be excited about my fitness, and weigh tloss and I have goals. My husband praises me for looking after myself, and my daughter tells me I am looking fit (she's 7 - bless).
Look after yourself, and treat yourself like you own best friend, and maybe tell that little voice inside you that's saying all the negative stuff and telling you that you need booze, to be quiet and let the positive voice inside speak up.
Di
x

[big mo]

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Hi Goldie my God your life is a mirror image of mine , I wake up every morning feeling s**t and promising the earth to my wife , on real bad mornings begging my wife to help me stop , i know A is going to kill me if i dont stop , I have a heart problem and been hospitalised through it but I just cant stop , I managed to stop for about 4 months last year after my last period in hospital but slowly 1 nights drinking and thinking i could control it led to 2 and , well you know the story , i drink a bottle of vodka about 5 nights a week but the nights i dont drink is easy and i dont think about it which is crazy as the nights i drink i am thinking about it all day . i dont think my story will be any help to you but just wanted to let you know you are not on your own , i hav'nt been on this site for about 18 months and have came back to try and get some inspiration and your story was the first i read , so today is the first day of the rest of my life and i want it to be my first day off A , let me know how you are keeping and hopefully things will get better for you , I am trying to do things differant so went on the crosstrainer for a bit ( i am so unfit ) and trying to break my daily routine take care Mo

[GoldieGirl]

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I haven't posted since Sunday, that would have been Day 2 AF, but I slipped Sunday late, but only drank 1/2 the usual amount. However, I am on Day 4AF. I have been very busy so that has helped - no time to drink or think (about it).

I have also been having a kidney issue and haven't felt the best. Today I do feel better and I will confess, have been thinking "what would just a little after work hurt"? I know the answer - 1st of all, my Day 4 record-I'm tired of being stuck on Day 1, 2nd, my kidney might not appreciate it and 3rd I hate the thought of telling you that I've slipped - plus I don't need it. I have spent a lot of money in the last months on alcohol. The odd thing is - even though I've not felt the best physically and not getting a lot of rest due to family issues - I feel better than when I drink every day.

I just sit here and cannot figure out how I got where I am??? As Miss Blossom mentioned in her post?..I don?t have anyone to support me. My husband is gone most of the week and always has been for 28 yrs. He drinks on the weekends and is an alcoholic, but he spaces his drinking out rather evenly from afternoon to night. Not me, soon as I have that 1st drink ? I just want to keep drinking as fast as I can?I like the taste of wine. He has never been a talker and life to him is black & white ? not too much gray. I have 3 sons by my ex-husband that drank himself to death at age 49, 10 years ago. My daughter is 27 and she does not drink because of her brothers and dad. I have tried very hard to hide my drinking from her, although I?m sure she knows or suspects I drink too much. I?m a codependent person and want to make the world good for everyone, it doesn?t matter if I?m happy. I believe because of how I was raised I feel I have no self worth, thus I bend over backwards to make everyone else happy. Then can?t understand when I need help where everyone is. I am sorry for my rambling but maybe if I can vent some here that will help me get this deamon that drags me down out of my system.

Big Mo you can do this too. There is a lot of good wonderful things in this mixed up world. There is so much I want to see and do and if I don?t stop ? it will stop me.

Blessings to everyone.

[GoldieGirl]

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I will keep this short so as not to bore - I'm on to Day 5. Made it through yesterday and didn't drink. Thought about it but somehow got passed it. Got the long weekend ahead but feel confident I can do it.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

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Well done Goldie on Day 5, you're not boring anyone. Sounds like your in a much better place than your first post. The 1/2 mile walk seems like a really great idea, maybe gives you space to clear your head and fight those urges. Day 12 AF for me and I will try that strategy too now if the demon comes calling. I find the L-glut really helpful in that respect.
Keep up the good work you can do it.
Keep safe
KTAB

[Pan]

Need Help

GoldieGirl;614931 wrote: I have not posted since January but desperately need help. I can't stop drinking. Maybe for a day or two, then the silent urge nudges me and before I know it I stop and buy some wine. I know this is taking a toll on me physically and as much as I think I'm hiding it I know I'm only fooling myself. I am spending money I don't have on this. I buy more than I can drink, then pour it down the drain with a new resolution to not drink anymore. I wake up every day with shame, guilt and a resolution - today I will drink no more. Then I do. I am so sad, mad and dissapointed in myself. I would like to go to dr but am embarresed. I go to work daily and put up a nice front to everyone - most people would be shocked if I said - I'm an alcoholic. The irony to this situation is I have 2 sons that are alcoholics, my husband is an alcoholic and I have spent years educating myself on alcoholism and could always take it or leave it. I started an Alanon group in our community. Then in the last 2-3 yrs alcohol has got ahold of me. I believe in a higher power and pray daily for help. I have to do this - I have to overcome this. I have to find a way when this urge overtakes me to not give into it. Right now I feel worthless. I do have the tapes and need to use them. I am going to buy some Kudzu. Any advice would be appreciated.

Okay, I haven't read any other posts. I'm replying directly. You CAN stop drinking. You sound like a very intelligent person who knows all the facts. Doesn't make it easy tho, does it?

First of all, it isn't a silent urge, it's a voice screaming at you. Try and ignore it for 1 hour.

I know the feelings you are talking about and you are definately not worthless. You will feel worthless more and more tho, by giving in.

The urge will go away if you don't give in. It's just easier to give in. Have you heard of a website called urge surfing? I don't have the address, but google it.

You are a strong person. You can do this. Just go hour to hour if you must. But do not give in. The best advice I can give you at this time is to remember that SHAME. When you first put that glass to your lips, remember the last time you did it and that SHAME. AND REGRET!

Ask yourself before you take that first gulp, is it worth the SHAME AND REGRET I will feel tomorrow?