really needing support

[Abielle]

hi. it has been a couple months since i have been on here. my internet access has been very limited lately. upsetting because this is the only place i have to go right now for support with my problem with alcohol. :upset:

like so many of us here, i can go a couple days without alcohol. then something in me just slacks off, and i attempt to drink "like a normal person." i can't do that. i don't even know if i want to get to the point of moderation. i think that can be the way for some people. but, i just want to be free of alcohol forever. it does nothing good for me.

i have gotten myself into a few awful situatiions that i would NEVER have if i hadn't been drinking.

i don't even want to think about them. i am not letting myself think of the past any more, only the "right now," and what i can do now to help myself get better.

i am on 4 medications, lamictal and prozac for bi-polar, naltrexone for the alcohol cravings, and buspar for anxiety. i know that drinking can negate the effects of the medications that i want to help me, so very much.

so why do i do it anyway? something in me just snaps. i feel like i become someone else. i don't recognize myself when these feelings hit. when i am in that moment, it seems that drinking is the only way i can feel any happiness.

i just don't know what else to do. i don't really have any good friends, i travel for work, and am never home. i feel desperate for a solution. whatever advice you have, i am willing to try. :imlonely:

i want to get better. i want a happy alcohol free life more than anything.

[greeneyes]

really needing support

Hi Abielle, Sorry you're feeling so low right now. It might feel like it, but it won't last forever. Why don't you take a look at the toolbox thread to arm yourself for those moments when you "aren't yourself". Eat well, stay hydrated, get some exercise, stay busy. Maybe you could try AA meetings for some support and face to face contact? That could be a source of friends too. Know everybody is here when you CAN get on line. :l

[Popeye]

really needing support

Hi Abielle...
If you don't want alcohol in your life, then there's really only one thing for you can do.
I used to love drinking; getting so drunk as often as I could just because I could. I thought I was punishing myself by going without and I could only go so long before 'rewarding' myself with a drink. I had it completely the wrong way round. I was punishing myself by drinking. The possibility that doing without was actually a good thing never occured to me.
No more hangovers or the guilt of making wrong decisions. No more excruciating pains in my kidneys that I blamed on a bad back. Now I can go to bed every night and know that I am not only getting better, but I'm enjoying doing it. There has been a fundamental change in every way I think about drink and for me, that is key. There was a part of me that thought I was deluding myself into thinking that booze is such a bad thing for me; that because everyone else seems to manage then I can, but I have proved myself right. Drinking is bad for me. I really don't need it to feel better, because I don't feel so bad any more. I don't need it to have a good time; I can do that without it.
It took a long time to get to where I am and I'm by no means the finished article. For me it's all about keeping at it; refusing to feel that a drink will make it all go away, or help to make it better. It never does. It cannot! Any benefits that alcohol gave me was all in my head.
All I can suggest is that you start with a new plan and and try and have some alcohol-free fun. Have a good time getting the better of it. Beating the booze isn't a punishment. It's one of the best presents you can give yourself.

[paula]

really needing support

Hi Abielle, I know how you feel, I can't drink moderately, I know that through trial and error one drink is too many and ten not enough. I went to an AA meeting last night and met lots of people with the same problem. I also got myself into awful situations and try not to dwell on them. Today is a new day, I agree with Paul, start again.
Best of luck.
Paula.

[Abielle]

really needing support

i haven't been to a meeting yet. i have a hard time finding them due to my work schedule. i literally never know where i will be next week. sometimes i don't know where i will be the next day.

i am not sure what all of the codes mean when it comes to the meetings. open, closed, restricted? it is very confusing to me.

do you just go in? do you have to talk? i'm really scared. i am very shy. it has been so hard to reach out in real time. there is nobody in my life who i can talk to about this. just my therapist. but i can't afford to go very often.

i want to take this big step, and go to a meeting. just thinking of it, makes me nervous, and shaky, and feel like i am going to cry. i need to get over my shyness.

i think i have used alcohol for that too. except, it has only made it worse.

i am going through a period of self-hate right now. i need to turn it around. i will use all of your advice. and i will really try to find a meeting tomorrow. if you can help me with which type i should seek out, that would help a lot.

thanks.

[Lavande]

really needing support

Hi Abielle,

Sorry to hear you are so lonely & isloated, that's very tough. A travelling job like yours is difficult, I'm sure.

I cannot help with info about AA meetings. The ony one I've ever attended was 25 years ago, an assigment required for a college course..........

Until you can sort that out maybe you can spend some AF time just going out in public. Maybe a walk thru a park or museum, window shopping, etc. Anything that will help you out of your isolation. I find that just about any activity helps to distract me, keep my mind off of the wine bottle.

I really hope you get what you need very soon. In the meantime, please check in here when you can.

Take care of yourself,
Lavande

[DAMO]

really needing support

Hi Abielle,
An open meeting is where everyone can attend, relatives,friends etc of people with alcohol problems.
I believe they are not as affective, they are as much for the families as for the alcoholic themselves.
I reckon AA could be great for you. You dont have to talk,just listen, unless you want to introduce yourself.
All the very best.
DAMO

[greeneyes]

really needing support

Abielle, you wont' be the only one feeling like that. I did cry in a meeting and it was OK. No attention was called to it and everyone was ever so kind. I never did talk, but liked to go and just be there and listen. Take a look at the weekly AA thread here.

[Bluzgtar]

really needing support

Abielle,

I remember my first AA meeting. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. You won't have to speak and if attention is directed to you just say"I'm here to listen today". I go to meetings often for the social and spiritual environment. I too don't have much social life and the meetings help.... alot. But, my biggest support is found right here at MWO.

Cinco De Mayo was my last cocktail. Sooooo, I'm no authority but I have to admit, I sure am having fun chasing an illusive goal being alcohol free. My head is starting to work right, my red vericose nose is almost back to normal, my eyes are clear and back to baby blue. Now if I could just get rid of these damn Hershy bars. Ha Ha, not really but you will, or at least I do crave sweet.

Abielle, keep coming back here. These folks know how you feel and where you are in your life. They know your misery and will help you thru the tough moments.

All my Best,

Blu

[Skinned Knees]

really needing support

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I, too, am bipolar. I am on Lamictal, Zoloft, Xanax (for anxiety) and Ambien to sleep. Nothing worked until I stopped drinking. I have been sober for almost 6 months now. The meds will never work until you stop drinking.

My pdoc put me on Campral. I was able to stay on it long enough to stop drinking and change my way of life. Unfortunately, I had to come off of it because my body would not tolerate it. BUT, it worked for me, and I was able to stop drinking. Then came the 2-3 months for the meds to kick in and for the adjustment in dosages.

Today, I am well and happy. I'm not going to say that it's all peaches and cream because it's not. I do have down days and on those days I want to drink. But, I refuse to touch alcohol. I know it will undo months of getting to where I am at today.

When I really wanted to get well again, I was willing to do ANYTHING. You have to be at that point, to make that commitment to get well. And then do EVERYTHING that you can to get there and stay there.

SK

[~iirene~]

really needing support

abielle, it takes a long time to find a way out. awful situtations happen to me when using, just like many people in the world, its not just YOU and ME. keep trying and set it in your mind you want to change. we can change by learning and making good choices.

[kriger]

really needing support

Ablielle,
WB to MWO...this is a lifetime journey we are all on. It takes drive, persistence and the firm desire to stop. I think you have the desire, so now is the time to get your plan in order. Failing to plan is planning to fail. This is a life saving place to be, for many of us. I hope to get to know you better and look forward to your future posts. Kriger