Don't Want To Drink...

[Jolenje]

Hi all, I am new here, but not new to forums, and find them a great way to reach out...
My story is as follows; (I'll try and keep it short...)

I had an abusive father, parents divorced, left home at 15, moved far away from my family, that was 20 years ago...
Had a couple of abusive/cheating boyfriends over that time, started drinking around 6 years ago, due to severe loneliness and lack of a support base (excuses I know)...
Even though I now am in a great relationship, I guess the loneliness is a big factor for me...The last 4 years my drinking has gotten worse, though I did stop completely whilst I was pregnant with my first child, and was careful throughout breastfeeding.
Recently, I had been going great, only drinking designated nights, and cutting right back to only a couple of drinks when I did.
Unfortunately my brother committed suicide 4 weeks ago, and the wheels have completely fallen off... I used it to "knock myself out" for the first 2 weeks, as I just couldn't fall asleep for the questions and visions... I am trying to cut back, but the thought of not having any terrifies me...and it terrifies me that I've become so dependent...
I have started seeing a counsellor for my grief, hopefully she can help, and have been referred to a psychologist, but am on a massive waiting list due to our remote region...

As you can see, I am in a rut, and want desperately to climb out...:upset:

[tlrgs]

Don't Want To Drink...

:colorwelcome::wave::groupluv:

[Lavande]

Don't Want To Drink...

Welcome Jolenje,

So sorry to hear about your sorrows regarding your brother, must be very tough. You sound like an intelligent young woman who has come through a lifetime of adversities. Have you read the MWO book yet - you can download it and read it right away. There is lots of useful info in it to help you start to make your plan to quit. Maybe this will help you while you are waiting to see the psychologist.
Of course we will all be here to help in any way we can

Best wishes and take care,
Lavande

[savon19]

Don't Want To Drink...

Gosh, Jole - my heart goes out to you.

I'm so glad you're seeking help. Please be good to yourself.

[ronnie]

Don't Want To Drink...

Hi and welcome Jole,
I am so sorry about your brother, I cant even imaging what you are going through, although I can relate to the rest of your post in every way. I to have been there, try and forget about your bad past, put it all behind you because that where it should be as it was never your fault that those things happened to you and there is nothing you can do about it anymore. Concentrate on the present and future because thats whats important now!!! Dont let the people who have hurt you in the past WIN they are not worth it, and you are alot better than they will ever be!!! YOU are a very STRONG person and you can get past this stage in your life like tlrgs say's take one day at a time.
You have already started the ball rolling by posting here, keep posting and reading and also keep busy and throw the past away and look forward, I am now 11 Day A/F my I have never felt so good
Keep strong and keep smilling (it makes you feel better)
Love ronnie xx :l

[tenderfield]

Don't Want To Drink...

Hi Jole
I am only new to MWO this month and i was reaching out for help and understanding
I am very sorry to hear about your brother i too have been through somthing simmular i havnt been able to share this with anyone yet on MYO.
Try and keep strong and focus on what your goals are, i havnt stopped drinking but i have AF days now which i never had last month or infact for years.
I havnt been on MWO much but when i have i find that all the members are kind helpful and supportive.

Love Tenderfield

[macca]

Don't Want To Drink...

hello jole i am sooo sorry to hear about your brother. i too lost my brother and we were very close, he died in a power kiteing accident. although the ways are brothers passed away it is increadably painful. the what ifs, and if i was there are endless and is tourture. you must be going through so many emotions right now, i felt depressed ,angry, wanted to end my own life, it's horrable, it does get easier with time, i know you wont think so now, feel free to post me and talk about what ever you want, hitting the bottle makes it worse as that makes your imagination run wild too, chatting helps. the thing with counsiling it's never there quick enough, they say they want to help but you have to end up waiting, please do not hasitate to chat, getting some things off your chest may help and talking to someone whom isn't in the family may just help a little. i am here for you x

[startafresh]

Don't Want To Drink...

So sorry to hear about your loss Jole.

I am on DAY 7 of AL. free. I have a child too. Stay with this board and it will help you.
best
starta
:new::welcome:

[DeeBee]

Don't Want To Drink...

Hi and welcome Jole.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother.
Stick with us, read the threads, keep posting and find inspiration here to begin a new life without AL.

[LilBit]

Don't Want To Drink...

Welcome, Jole, and hugs to you. I am so sorry about your brother. Please stay close to the boards and you WILL get through this tough time. We're all pulling for you.

[Jolenje]

Don't Want To Drink...

Thanks everyone,
Gosh I never expected such an amazing response...it certainly helps to know I'm not alone on this journey.
I am proud to say that I had an AF (I assume that means alcohol free?) night last night, and have managed to cut right back the two nights prior to that...weekends tend to be the worst as my DP drinks (in moderation), and we enjoy watching football together...hard to abstain when he does it...
There are some nights where I just get so wound up, often if I have been talking to my mum or brothers about the suicide, my brothers debts, family squabbles over money, etc...( I am prone to anxiety, and sometimes depression) I can't possibly relax, let alone sleep...
I have had insomnia for most of my life, even as a child, and have struggled with ways to cope with it...I guess I have used alcohol as a way of numbing things enough just to get to sleep...(it works if you have enough...gosh that sounds awful) but often have horrible dreams and I generally wake up again anyway...then the thoughts start spiralling again...It is awful...
I am seeing a new counsellor who is training in alcohol and substance problems, so I will most likely make a great case study for her!!! We've only had the initial session so far, so no real help there yet...
Just getting it out there is a big help I find, and there isn't that fear of being judged that you get in a small country town...
Thanks everyone, and please keep chatting to me, and telling me snippets of your own stories!

[ronnie]

Don't Want To Drink...

Hi Jolenje
Well done on being A/F last night this means that you are now 2 Days A/F today good work, I dont know anthing about meds. or supplements but I think there might be some herbal tablets that you can take to help you sleep which will be alot better than the booze you can get them from any chemist or health store. Vit. B helps with stress as well that is what I am taking at the moment as having 3 young boys it does get very stressful in my house at times!!!
There is a weekend thread for people that want to be A/F for the weekend and you get alot of support from there if u you would like to join us.
Keep up the good work, you are doing really well
Love & Hugs ronnie xx

[LilBit]

Don't Want To Drink...

Hi Jol! I did exactly what you did for the longest time -- used wine to get to sleep. And if, after a few glasses, I wasn't sleepy enough the answer was (you already know it) more wine! The problem is that drinking lots of wine to actually help with one's sleep is a LIE! Yes, you may relax to the point and temporarily quiet your mind enough to sleep/pass out, but boy, it backfires later! I can't tell you how many nights I woke up (wide awake) from a horrid, scary dream at 2-3 am and spent hours trying to return to sleep, only to wake in the morning groggy, thirsty, baggy-eyed and ticked off at myself.

I used to lie in bed, hugging my pillow, my anxious thoughts racing from one thing to another. Was what I said in yesterday's meeting completely stupid? Did I remember to pay that bill? Was I going to get ____ (fill in the blank with any illness)? Was my BF cheating? Thinking about cheating? Silly things too... Would I fall off our 12th floor balcony? Did the one little wild hair I found on my chin mean that I'm about to grow a full beard? You get the picture.

The good news is that on Day 18 AF, I can happily say that I've been sleeping through the whole night for the last week -- OK, except for one moment when the dog had invaded the pillow next to me and was snoring, but I shushed him off and then I went right back to sleep. The trick is to exercise, stay busy throughout the day, recognize the fact that you're going to probably stay up longer in the evening (so have a plan for something else to do), and take your supps.

Forgive me if I sound like I know it all. I don't. I just hope that you and other people can learn from my bad choices and you don't fall for the same "wine = sleep" myth that imprisoned me for so long.

Good for you on Day 2 AF!!!

Love,

LB

[DeeBee]

Don't Want To Drink...

Whoo Hooo!! Well done on your first AF night -- feels great doesn't it?!!

Might I suggest you try an AF (yip, Alcohol Free) beer this weekend to watch the soccer with? I am not a huge beer drinker but I have found that the odd AF beer, particually when there is sport on, hits the spot for me.

[Jolenje]

Don't Want To Drink...

Hi all,
I have been MIA over the weekend sorry...
I did have a bit of a binge on friday night (the dreaded friday night hurdle) and a few on saturday, and I am pleased to say NONE on sunday night (had some detox tea and calming tea instead, I feel a hundred times better this morning for it!),.
I have found that my urgency to drink so much has really dropped in the last couple of weeks, (gosh if you'd have seen me one month ago, following my brothers suicide...I was drinking LITRES of wine, not going to bed until 2 or 3 in the morning...eeek it was scary)...I guess by working through my thoughts and telling people (councellor, you guys, my journal) my reasons for wanting to not drink are sort of outweighing the reasons I have drank so much in the past...It is all making me realise that I can stop if I really want to, and by working on other areas of my life, working through the grief, coming to terms with unresolved family issues, working on my relaxation, etc..That will hopefully benefit me in the near future, all so that one day I may not feel the need to use drink as a "band-aid"...
Thanks for lending me your ear...:l