:new:
i have used alcohol for many years as a foil to my shyness and social awkwardness. recently i've been tempting fate by sneaking sips of wine in work-related situations, not enough to become intoxicated but enough to taste it and be reminded that it waiting for me, that it is the emotional umbillicus that connects me with my deceased mom who was similarly shy and whose life spun out of control at middle age due to her socially unaccepted drinking.
i don't put much stock in self-diagnosis but i don't feel that i am physically addicted to alcohol--not yet, anyway.
a few years ago i participated in an online moderation management program and fairly easily abstained from drinking for 30 days. immediately after i began drinking again, i found my tolerance to be lower and that pleased me. unfortunately, justified or not, i soon felt pressured by some people in the group to begin participating in the program at its public meetings. if such participation were to be discovered, i could lose the legal right to practice my profession. i never did go to a public meeting but i started to feel like such an ingrate because of my reluctance that i stopped participating in the group.
in the intervening two or three years, i have faced some serious losses and obstacles. my mom died unexpectedly (not alcohol related), there was (and is) severe familial strife due to long-entrenched dynamics. also, i encountered a work style conflict with a powerful colleague. it is so painful that i am probably going to resign from some of my professional duties. i feel fortunate that this is an option for me.
i am married to a man whom i do not want to leave because of our children and because i'm not physically stalwart and i am afraid to be without another source of economic support. my husband passive-aggressively buys large bottles of inexpensive bland wine even though i've told him that if we had wine that i could savor(and remember) that i would most likely stop pouring a tiny splash into the bottom of the glass when i pass through the kitchen. you know how one splendid chocolate can satisfy a chocolate craving more than four flavorless pieces? it's kind of like that.
i know that i am sounding like a spoiled child and, in some ways, i do believe that i have adjusted to nonrecognition by him by hanging back and being passive. i don't think that my husband will give our marriage the time of day until there is no beautiful and vivacious child living under the roof. he said that it is easier to hang out with a child than me and i'm sure that he is speaking what he truly experiences. i am so hurt and angry that he has neglected our marriage and forgotten to come to marital therapy sessions that we scheduled and paid for that i drink to temper my experience of even the sight of him.
i am not without men in my life. i have a boyfriend who i see surreptiously, but that relationship has its limits. i felt that i should write that i am nonmonogamous (out of necessity, perhaps) and that given the paucity of emotional exchange in my marriage, i do not feel guilty about this arrangement. i would never, ever do anything to hurt my boyfriend's home life. i hope that anyone reading this who finds my behavior immoral or appalling will let me know so that i can try to find another venue of self-care.
please don't suggest that i get therapy. i am in therapy and it is helping in many but not all ways.
i guess i've written enough. thank you to anyone who has read through all of this.
can anyone relate to what i have written?
i have used alcohol for many years as a foil to my shyness and social awkwardness. recently i've been tempting fate by sneaking sips of wine in work-related situations, not enough to become intoxicated but enough to taste it and be reminded that it waiting for me, that it is the emotional umbillicus that connects me with my deceased mom who was similarly shy and whose life spun out of control at middle age due to her socially unaccepted drinking.
i don't put much stock in self-diagnosis but i don't feel that i am physically addicted to alcohol--not yet, anyway.
a few years ago i participated in an online moderation management program and fairly easily abstained from drinking for 30 days. immediately after i began drinking again, i found my tolerance to be lower and that pleased me. unfortunately, justified or not, i soon felt pressured by some people in the group to begin participating in the program at its public meetings. if such participation were to be discovered, i could lose the legal right to practice my profession. i never did go to a public meeting but i started to feel like such an ingrate because of my reluctance that i stopped participating in the group.
in the intervening two or three years, i have faced some serious losses and obstacles. my mom died unexpectedly (not alcohol related), there was (and is) severe familial strife due to long-entrenched dynamics. also, i encountered a work style conflict with a powerful colleague. it is so painful that i am probably going to resign from some of my professional duties. i feel fortunate that this is an option for me.
i am married to a man whom i do not want to leave because of our children and because i'm not physically stalwart and i am afraid to be without another source of economic support. my husband passive-aggressively buys large bottles of inexpensive bland wine even though i've told him that if we had wine that i could savor(and remember) that i would most likely stop pouring a tiny splash into the bottom of the glass when i pass through the kitchen. you know how one splendid chocolate can satisfy a chocolate craving more than four flavorless pieces? it's kind of like that.
i know that i am sounding like a spoiled child and, in some ways, i do believe that i have adjusted to nonrecognition by him by hanging back and being passive. i don't think that my husband will give our marriage the time of day until there is no beautiful and vivacious child living under the roof. he said that it is easier to hang out with a child than me and i'm sure that he is speaking what he truly experiences. i am so hurt and angry that he has neglected our marriage and forgotten to come to marital therapy sessions that we scheduled and paid for that i drink to temper my experience of even the sight of him.
i am not without men in my life. i have a boyfriend who i see surreptiously, but that relationship has its limits. i felt that i should write that i am nonmonogamous (out of necessity, perhaps) and that given the paucity of emotional exchange in my marriage, i do not feel guilty about this arrangement. i would never, ever do anything to hurt my boyfriend's home life. i hope that anyone reading this who finds my behavior immoral or appalling will let me know so that i can try to find another venue of self-care.
please don't suggest that i get therapy. i am in therapy and it is helping in many but not all ways.
i guess i've written enough. thank you to anyone who has read through all of this.
can anyone relate to what i have written?
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