i am slowly self-destructing

[eustacia]

i am slowly self-destructing

watersprite--

i am very touched by your reply.

thanks so much.

eustacia

[dug]

i am slowly self-destructing

you gotta take care of yourself. Always do whats best for you. Only you know what that is. Dont let others tell you what it is.

[eustacia]

i am slowly self-destructing

thanks so much, dug.

eustacia

[mothermary]

i am slowly self-destructing

Yep I can relate to what you have written. So I actually left my marriage of 17 years two and a half years ago and yes it is difficult ecconomically and lots of other illys but in the end (and yes therapy was involved) I just had to give in to my heart and to be true to me adn to my husband (who is a lovely man) ..I did not love him...The question for me was ...was I drinking because i was unhappy or was I unhppy because I was drinking...that's two questions isn't it...and I still dont know...not very reassuing is it..
I felt alone and at some levels abandonded in our marriage ...he was a big jobs man ...a doer in the shed..a loner...and not much of a drinker. I am a real peoples person ...very social...chatty ...inclusive.
Like you I would talk to him about buying good wine rather than cheap stuff and I think kidding myself that one good glass would satisfy my urge...for me that didn't work ..I would still want several glasses of the good stuff (just not feel so hung over if it was good wne)...I used to talk to him about my concern about my drinking ...he was reassuring...he does not like conflict ...confrontation or tackling any issues really ...he was emotionally not there...and you know what he never had been ...that was who he was and I spent may years trying to turn him into something that I wanted him to be or needed...and I now see that as very unfair on my behalf..
So ...I am very new here..today is my first chat...so hello...
I am still drinking...and recently it has gotten a little worse...I fell for a man ...after being on my own for 2 years...and he "dumped' me so it has alll been easily justifable for me to be sad and have the odd reassuring drink or 6..
It is really nice to read others stories and realise taht you are not alone ...so thanks for sharing...
I realised after that the name i have chosen makes me sound like a nun...not that I have anything against nuns...but "aint" ...maybe I did that after a few vinos
Cheers Maryanne

[southernbelle47]

i am slowly self-destructing

Hi Eustacia,

I can understand what you are going through as I have been there and done a lot of what you mention.
I am on the "backside' of a 41 year marriage, so I may have some insight.

First of all let me say that what you are going through is painful. The quickest way to treat that pain is to drink. It goes away for awhile but always comes back. Lose-lose situation.

You can also treat the pain by having an affair. That may make you feel better but then that has a way of coming up behind you and bitting you in the hiney. Either you get caught by one of the spouses or someone tells them. Lose-lose situation. And you may lose your children or at the least their respect.

There must be a more constructive way to treat your pain.
You will find many things on this web site to help you.
Like anything worth having, you will have to dig through and choose your own healing. You have taken a big step in coming and saying "I need help".
It's nice to meet you and I'm looking forward to hearing more from you. It is not our job to judge....We can't get the speck out of your eye because we have a board in ours.

BTW......I'm glad I stuck it out even though it was hard at times. I just had to "own" my problems and not expect him to fix them. I finally came to the conclusion that the only person that I could change was myself.

Peace to you,
Nancy:l

[eustacia]

i am slowly self-destructing

dear nancy,

it was so thoughtful of you to share your own story with me. thank you for your concern.

i suppose that my own story is a little different than those of some married people who have important relationships with someone who is not their spouse.

for one thing, my husband is not involved in our marriage. my husband has always had his own extramarital involvements. not with women, but with causes. for some reason, i thought that this would change with marriage. it didn't. he doesn't notice me unless he wants to discuss what is going on with the world out there. i have gotten him to agree to marital therapy more times than i can count and he either forgets and doesn't show up, has a schedule conflict and doesn't show up, arrives five minutes before the session is to end or does show up and can't go deeper than provide a therapist with a litany of my flaws. he is not interested in me sexually or emotionally. it's not that i'm an shrew with hairs sprouting from her chin. people tell me that i am beautiful and while that is not an adjective that i might choose to describe myself, it is apparently how i am perceived by others.

despite his dunderheadedness when it comes to me, the woman he regards as his "final" wife, i feel that my husband on some level loves me, even though he does not feel that i am intellectually in his league and that is a major cause of his antipathy. also, he knows that i am involved with someone else.

why don't i divorce him? i dont' want my kids to grow up in a broken home like i did. they're crazy about their father who is a completely different kind of parent than me. our parenting styles actually complement one another rather than clash. i do love my husband but as years and years of fidelity and hard work (from my end) on the marriage have shown me, he isn't interested in being an involved partner. this hurts me but i know that it isn't going to change, at least until there are no more beautiful children under the roof.

yes, you are right about the dangers of having a relationship outside my marriage. my husband would never tell our children or leave me because of it, but if my family found out, many of them would be furious with me, and my inlaws, with whom i enjoy excellent relationships, would be hurt but, in the long run, most of them would understand. however, it would would break many of their hearts if i were to leave my husband.

so my situation is atypical. just like everyone else's situation, i guess! i haven't fully given up on my marriage but i'm not interested in banging my head on a wall anymore.

e

p.s. to maryanne, this is an edit because i just noticed your post. i can relate to so much that you write--our stories overlap in obvious ways. you sound like an extraordinarily brave and insightful woman. thank you so much for posting.