How did this happen?

[42cat]

I posted a reply to another thread, and it got me to thinking about how things escalate over the years... how our thinking changes... how what was once taboo has become the norm.

- Not too long ago, I thought it was the most ridiculous thing to have a drink before supper.
- Now I have them at any time around the clock. How and why did this happen?

- I used to have 1-2 drinks (rum and coke) over a few-hour time period, only in the evenings.
- Now I finish a quart (750 ml) in a 24 hour period.

- I never used to think of when my next visit to the liquor store would be. It wasn't an issue.
- Now I'm obsessed with being sure I've left enough time to get there.

- I never used to be concerned about which liquor store I went to.
- Now I rotate my visits so I don't look like an alcoholic.

- I never used to feel badly about having a drink. It was a fun thing.
- Now I hide how much I'm drinking, to the point where I purchase extra bottles to top myself up, in secret.

- Money spent on alcohol never used to enter my mind.
- Now it's in my budget and on my list of things that make me feel stupid and guilty.

- I never used to drink and drive.
- Enough said. This is the one that has me feeling the most guilt and stupidity. I should and do know better.

- I never, ever used to drink alone.
- Now I mostly drink alone.

- How do I get to sleep without a drink? Jeez, how silly is that?

- When someone says they haven't had a drink for 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years .. or ever .. I just don't "understand" .... I mean, how can they possibly survive without a drink? Gawd, that is such stooopid thinking!

I could go on, but that's enough of that. I think I'm having a huge Pity Party today and just need to vent.

Obviously my (our) changes in thinking and behaviour didn't happen overnight, but occurred little by little over the years. I don't have any traumatic event to blame. I drink because I'm bored and lonely - and I don't even have an excuse for that .. I'm married, have great kids, a lovely house, etc. My drinking makes no sense to me.... yet I'm obsessed with it.

I'm not sure how this happened. But it happened......... NOW, how do you turn this around? How do you UN-DO the thinking behind it? Heck, how do you even identify the thinking behind it?

Sorry for the long post ... and thanks so much for listening. I think I'm just questioning the universe really .... but if anyone has a comment or any insight or stories (good or bad), it would be much appreciated.

~Cat

[Popeye]

How did this happen?

Hi 42cat,

All those things happened to me too. It sneaks in and just takes over without us realising the extent to which we get caught up in it. It's a slow and insidious process that took over every aspect of my life. I'm glad that I'm slowly taking back from it everything that it took away from me.

[42cat]

How did this happen?

Thanks for your reply, Pop. I'm fighting to take my life back as well. Good to hear you're doing well. Congrats on your sobriety since January ... Nice job!

[Popeye]

How did this happen?

Thanks cat,
It's the best thing we can do for ourselves.
The difference is astounding.

[Doggygirl]

How did this happen?

42cat, it was progressive like you describe for me too. I too was "sipping all day" (the entire time I was awake each day) for the last few years of my drinking career. So I feel your pain and frustration and hopelessness for sure. I used to go to bed every night and pass out first, then wake up later and be misreable and swear that tomorrow would be different. But it wasn't. Just a repeat of the horror over and over and over.

I'm so glad I finally looked outside of myself for a way out. MWO, Smart Recovery and AA have been my salvation. (LOL I guess it was bad - takes THREE programs to keep me sober!) It has been worth every bit of pain and difficulty and urges and all of it to finally feel some freedom from alcohol.

If you want sobriety, it can be yours. It's not easy but if I can do it, I know you can do it too.

Strength to you,

DG

[akgirl]

How did this happen?

Great post 42cat,

All the things you said hit home and really made me think. I don't know how I ended up here.....but I am going to find a way to get out. MWO and all of your insights keep me trying.

:l
Ak

[42cat]

How did this happen?

Thanks D'girl. Your reply felt very good .. hopeful.

In fact, I've read lots of your posts ... you've done so well ... and I find you very inspiring. Thank you!

[cacky]

How did this happen?

Cat and group; You just described my drinking too

[42cat]

How did this happen?

Akgirl and Cacky ... Thanks for your replies. It's always good to know we're not alone. We're going to get out of this. As long as we keep trying, we've got our starting point .. and we'll get it figured out. Here's to good things in our futures!

[DoneDrinkin]

How did this happen?

Wow, that was an amazing, honest post 42cat. I relate to all those things. Rotating the liquor stores so as to not look like a sad, lonely alcoholic?.... and I thought I was the only one doing that!!!

It's difficult to say what it would take for you to regain control of your life. Everyone has a different "language of persuasion", if you will. For me, it was as simple as seeing an episode of "Rehab" on the TV and totally seeing myself in the folks on there, and the sadness in the eyes of the family members. Well, over the years, it has also taken a divorce, broken relationships, lost friendships, lost jobs... you name it.

Don't be a fool like me. Give it up before you lose everything.

--Steve

[colbe]

How did this happen?

No Kidding! Everything you mentioned, I said to myself "yea...". Tell you what, I have some left over tree here if you would like to gnaw on it with me? Day 5 here...and it's killing me.

[Theme2be]

How did this happen?

How I related to your every word, plus, I could add more to the mystery of the misery.

I went from blending in to blacking out with terrible incidences and loss.
It is what it will be with the liquid in power.
I just sighed when I read each line.


I won't give up. When I slosh it down it is often predictable, but, I cant control the powerful urge. I am following the baclofen posts as well.

Be well, don't ever give up, all~

[Winefree]

How did this happen?

Cat, I could have written most of that myself. Can definitely identify. I even got paranoid and thought that each liquor store owner knew I was hitting a different store each night. How sick is that thinking?

There is hope if we just keep fighting AL. With MWO, a counselor and AA, I'm finally starting to break free. I believe we can all do this if we put our minds to it and push AL to the back where is doesn't even belong.

Thanks for giving us all something to think about.

Winefree

[42cat]

How did this happen?

Thank you, everyone, for your replies and good words. It's a wonderful feeling to know we're not alone .. to know we CAN break free.. that it CAN and HAS BEEN done. It IS possible. I'm focusing on those positive thoughts this week.

For those who've gone through withdrawal and are enjoying sobriety .. and for those of you who are currently suffering through it, and all of the anxiety and emotions that go along with the process ... please know that you are all very inspiring - your stories help me (us) know that we can go for it too. And even if you/we fail and try again, that is still something to be very proud of. Just "wanting" to is something to be proud of. Thank you all for sharing.

For me, after a flu-like weekend (pretty sure it was alcohol related), I'm working hard this week to taper way down .. and then - hopefully - attempt an AF day in a couple/few days. I'm afraid to go cold turkey ... Maybe that's selfish or wimpy, but I don't want my family to fully "know" what's going on ... and, of course, I'm scared.

I want to walk down that scary withdrawal path and come out the other side a better person. I want it so badly! I want my life back.

And for those of us who haven't yet gotten to the point of beginning that walk (or the next attempt at it - I know it can take lots of tries sometimes!) ... just know that you and I ARE going to take that first step... we WILL figure our ways out of this, with whatever help we need. We're here trying to figure it out. We're here looking for a way out. We WILL find it. No giving up.

We want out, and we're going to get out. Positive thinking and a plan are good starts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Anyone else have a plan? I'd love to hear it.

Keep on fighting, everyone. And thanks again for the great replies. Much appreciated!

[Popeye]

How did this happen?

After a flu-like weekend (pretty sure it was alcohol related though), I'm working hard this week to taper way down .. and then - hopefully - attempt an AF day in a couple of days. I'm afraid to go cold turkey ... It's probably a selfish or wimpy thing, but I don't want my family to fully "know" what's going on ... and, of course, I'm scared.

Try and relax. I know it's not easy, but you have so much to look forward to. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to get your life in order and become the person you know you really are.
It does take time though, and courage. I often feel anguish at the thought of failing, but those thoughts get very short shrift and are soon gone. I've only got a few months under my belt, but these are only numbers. I learn a little more about beating this every day that I'm sober and I'm positive that I can build on it.
You can do this.