I am pretty much new here and have visited this site everyday and often since I started, I couldnt have managed 5 days AF without you all. Having read many posts it would seem to me that there are loads of different people/drinking habits/problems but we all have a common goal to change. I thought I'd share with you some truths about my drinking and its associated problems, and maybe there will be others who can relate.
My Grandfather died of alcoholism, my mother is dying of alcoholism (expecting full organ failure within 12 months no change expected), my father is a heavy drinker/alcoholoic not sure which or if there is a difference. I began drinking at 15, and from that age it was never every day but binging, black outs, totally wasted. Not every time I drank either, sometimes I could go out and be semi - normal....but never knew which way I would go.
I always assumed it was in my destiny to be a drunk, blame my family. I also assumed that without drink the night would be boring and that I would be boring. Many friends have stood by me over the years but are increasingly worried. When I was divorcing a few even intimated that I should watch my drinking. But no-one, no-one was brave enough to say more than that.
Last week a relatively new friend (2 yrs), and her family and my family were away for the week, on the Thurs night I got so drunk I made a pass at her husband in front of her. I have no recollection of this and more so I dont even fancy him, never entered my thoughts. I am happily with John and have been for 3 yrs. The night was a black out for me. At the weekend she was brave enough to tell me she loved me as a friend, thought I was great fun, got real intergrity- when I was sober, but a complete bore with no integrity and somebody she didnt like when drunk. I apologised as I always do and sat in the dog house the remainder of the weekend. Then had a good long think. Boy I was angry with her, what a cheek to judge blah blah. But then at last after 25ish years began to honesty look at myself. My journey began on Sunday 31st, an awakening of the kind of person I become when drinking. I made a list of some of the things I have done that shames me and for the first time ever took note. Here are a few things on my list -
-told my boss he is a f***ing waste of space (promotion prospects panned)
-had to be carried out of many pubs, clubs, houses
- vomited on friends doorstep after a meal (oh and xx bottles of wine)
-drunk and idiotic in front of kids-again
-while holding a painting up on the wall to see what it looked like lost my grip to have it crashing on my head glass everywhere lacerations on wrists sons deeply upset
Oh god I could go on but I am sure you get the drift, how boring is all that? But more than that I seem to be jeckle and hyde, split personality with drink I become in your face mouthy and generally a pain in the ass. I say things I really truly dont mean, I hurt peoples feelings people I love and care about, I do things that are shocking. After a binge I am full of self loathing depressed and in despair.
I have finally woken up to the fact with drink ,for whatever reason, I am a weapon of mass destruction. Now for the first time in my life I am owning up to my actions, and do you know what? Maybe just maybe its not my destiny to be drunk, its up to me.
Enough rambling, you guys are brilliant this site is helping enormously. Would love to hear from any other bingers like me.....
Stay strong
Taz x
My Grandfather died of alcoholism, my mother is dying of alcoholism (expecting full organ failure within 12 months no change expected), my father is a heavy drinker/alcoholoic not sure which or if there is a difference. I began drinking at 15, and from that age it was never every day but binging, black outs, totally wasted. Not every time I drank either, sometimes I could go out and be semi - normal....but never knew which way I would go.
I always assumed it was in my destiny to be a drunk, blame my family. I also assumed that without drink the night would be boring and that I would be boring. Many friends have stood by me over the years but are increasingly worried. When I was divorcing a few even intimated that I should watch my drinking. But no-one, no-one was brave enough to say more than that.
Last week a relatively new friend (2 yrs), and her family and my family were away for the week, on the Thurs night I got so drunk I made a pass at her husband in front of her. I have no recollection of this and more so I dont even fancy him, never entered my thoughts. I am happily with John and have been for 3 yrs. The night was a black out for me. At the weekend she was brave enough to tell me she loved me as a friend, thought I was great fun, got real intergrity- when I was sober, but a complete bore with no integrity and somebody she didnt like when drunk. I apologised as I always do and sat in the dog house the remainder of the weekend. Then had a good long think. Boy I was angry with her, what a cheek to judge blah blah. But then at last after 25ish years began to honesty look at myself. My journey began on Sunday 31st, an awakening of the kind of person I become when drinking. I made a list of some of the things I have done that shames me and for the first time ever took note. Here are a few things on my list -
-told my boss he is a f***ing waste of space (promotion prospects panned)
-had to be carried out of many pubs, clubs, houses
- vomited on friends doorstep after a meal (oh and xx bottles of wine)
-drunk and idiotic in front of kids-again
-while holding a painting up on the wall to see what it looked like lost my grip to have it crashing on my head glass everywhere lacerations on wrists sons deeply upset
Oh god I could go on but I am sure you get the drift, how boring is all that? But more than that I seem to be jeckle and hyde, split personality with drink I become in your face mouthy and generally a pain in the ass. I say things I really truly dont mean, I hurt peoples feelings people I love and care about, I do things that are shocking. After a binge I am full of self loathing depressed and in despair.
I have finally woken up to the fact with drink ,for whatever reason, I am a weapon of mass destruction. Now for the first time in my life I am owning up to my actions, and do you know what? Maybe just maybe its not my destiny to be drunk, its up to me.
Enough rambling, you guys are brilliant this site is helping enormously. Would love to hear from any other bingers like me.....
Stay strong
Taz x
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