Steeriiiiikkkke One

[mica]

Confession time, you guys. I was so proud of myself for doing the 30 days AF. My intent from the beginning has been to mod, if I can. Well, I didn't mod last night, that is for sure. We had company, and I was so confident that I wouldn't have a problem modding (did a hypno cd before, took the l-glut, kudzu, etc.) that I did my old job of bartending for our guests. Bad bad bad idea. It was as if someone had stolen my brain, almost. There was not even one tiny thought about self-control, once the evening started. I didn't drink as much as I would have in the old days, but not from lack of trying. And even though I didn't drink as much as I used to, boy do I ever feel like poop today.

So, I let myself and my husband and all of you down. I most sincerely apologize, and really hope this is the last letter like this I have to write. :blush:

[greeneyes]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Thank you mica. That very thought is so prevalent. I know it is helpful to those pondering. Sorry you feel badly, but you prepped for it - it just didn't work out. Now you know.

[startingover]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Mica, that is a truly honest post, read it again if you ever feel weak.
At least you have learned something from it...
Big hugs....

[Thankful]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Mica, the thing with this group here is that you can not let us down. We get it more than anyone else out there. We can only be disappointed for you, not in you.

At least you went your 30 days AF like the program suggests before you tried to mod. So you tried to mod and now you know, it just might not work for you. Granted I still fought with some cravings right up to my one yr AF date, but it really does get easier. Now at 18 months, I have no cravings at all. That dreamy thought comes to mind every once in a while, but it's just mind over matter and I will never in a million yrs risk losing all I worked for.

You will get there. You are still in your learning process. Don't be so hard on yourself. You know what you have to do. Stay strong. I wish you nothing but the best.

Love, Me
:l

[last call]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Hey Mica just pick yourself up and go on. Thanks for sharing.

[OverIt2007]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

MICA! I must correct you. You did not let one person down on this site! If you feel you let yourself down, then that is the person you must answer to. This group is about support and understanding, not about judging or even letting down.

You had 30 days under your belt. That to me is an amazing, wonderful, thing! You obviously know how to do 30 days sober. Figure out what it is that makes Mica happy, and just let us know how to support you. Dont beat yourself up. We have all been there, done that. Just go on from today.

Hope you feel better!

Overit

[ladybirdheart]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Hey dear Mica. You have given yourself first hand feedback as to what works and what doesn?t work for you. I keep reading over and over that this is a ?process?, rarely a one way street. Everything that occurs is grist for the mill if we keep our eyes open. I don?t know if you remember me but we were on the same thread for a while when we each had less than a week or so (I get overwhelmed when the threads get really big and go on for days). I tried drinking briefly after twenty-days and it didn?t engender the feelings I had hoped for and gave me a headache. I suspect that if I had waited ten more days I would have not found what I thought I was looking for. I had not had a hangover in over twenty years and I consumed far less than what I had been drinking. Certainly chipped away at the old appeal. It is easier to learn from experience once one enters and remains in this process. I have not had another drink but I am not sure for how many days as I was getting weird and obsessed over it earlier so for me it is better to just be in ODAT. I wish you all the best in your journey and I hope our paths cross on a thread now and then. Love, Ladybird.

[Lavande]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Mica,

This is precisely why I've decided to not try to moderate. I'm positive I would screw it up. In the end, I think it's just damn easier for most of us to give it up entirely. Honestly, at this point I don't even think about it much anymore..............it's all just history to me.
Sorry you had to learn the hard way but you did learn something, didn't you? Don't beat yourself up. Jump back on board and you'll be at 30 days again before you know it

All the best,
Lavande

[rubywillow]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Great post, Mica, and great lesson. We each have a path, we each have a method, but we all have support from the same people in one way or another. It can't be said enough: It's not a destination, its a journey, and our journey changes every day. Just glad yours is through here.

[Lemonhead]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Mica - My first post in a couple weeks - thanks for honest assessment at your effort at moderating. Helpful for me on day 21. Best wishes.

[LilBit]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Mica, you did NOT let anyone down!! You got the 30 days AF under your belt and tried modding mindfully, deliberately, and with a plan. You learned some things, and you'll reassess and come out with an adjusted plan that works for you. IMHO, your trying the modding in that way was brave. Hugs to you!

LilBit

[Winefree]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Not much more to say. It;s all been said. Lesson learned. Pick up, feel better and move on. Wishing you the best.

Winefree

[mica]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Oh, my lovely friends, thank you!

You are all so wonderful. I do appreciate your kind, honest words. Yes, I learned a couple lessons. And I have taken those lessons to heart. As you might have noticed in my title for the thread, I have given myself one strike. I do not intend to strike out, but if I do, it will definitely be three strikes and I'm out of the modding game.

I want to say that each of your responses to my thread flattered me very much. Knowing that there are folks out there with as many posts as some of you have, who are still willing to talk to us relative-newbies, is very supporting in deed. You are good role models, and I appreciate you.

Ladybirdheart, how could I forget you? I am very glad that we are both still here, and still posting.

Thank you all. You are simply the best.:h

[mica]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Lemonhead!

Hey, congratulations on your long days AF! Is it now 22? Fantastic work! :goodjob:

[Lemonhead]

Steeriiiiikkkke One

Mica - Yes, day 22 and looking forward to day 30 ! That's a minimum goal and a time to decide about moderating. I've managed to stay AF easily through several parties and my husband still has a couple drinks after work. I know this progress can create a false sense of security. Maybe I'll stay AF until I drop the weight ! Hope your doing well ...