A new life

[Kiranese]

Hi,

I am very happy to have found this site. I am so tired of drinking and have had enough. So this is my first day sober in months, so far so good! I know its early days but I feel very positive about this. My life has fallen apart recently, not directly because of the drink, but I am sure it didn't help. I need to start all over again, but I am going to do it, I am doing it.
Wish me luck!

[startingover]

A new life

Hi there Kiranese! A big welcome to you.
Well done on your first sober day. You can do this, the support here is amazing.
Good luck!

[LilBit]

A new life

A big welcome, Kiranese! 'Glad to have you here, and wishing you the best luck in your efforts. Please tell us what's up with you. How's your life? How are you feeling? Are you trying any supplements or meds to help you? Please keep posting and reading -- it's a lifeline!

[Anjicia]

A new life

Hi Kiranese and welcome. I'm on day 2 after another binge so despair you are in a good place here. Best of luck.

[DoneDrinkin]

A new life

WELCOME, and CONGRATULATIONS on making this decision for yourself.

Come here often, read, learn, post and help others.

Stay strong,
--Steve

[Kiranese]

A new life

Hi,

I thought I might as well tell all, also so I can see what I have done.

I am 36 years old, male and live in South Africa.

I never drank a drop until the age of 19, never had an interest. After studying medicine for a year (and believing for 5 years that that was all I wanted) I suddenly realised that it wasn't for me. I took off for a bit of a gap and stayed with an old friend 1500km away from home in one of the most beautiful coastal towns in South Africa. I was young, confident and as all at that age seemingly invincible. Also totally alcohol free. A friend of mine and I did a 6 hour hike / swim along the wild rocky coast. Thinking back, it was quite reckless & dangerous, but we made it and I felt elated. So the next day we decided to do another hike on another stretch of coast, which would culminate in us having to swim across a shark infested channel in some of the roughest water. This time things didn't go so well. About 4 hours into the hike the terrain got increasingly harder, which meant we had to swim a lot more. No more beach, cliff to the left, ocean to the right and lots of rocks ahead. Never mind the baboons & sharks! On a swim across a small channel the sea got us. My friend was swimming ahead of me to our predetermined get out point. Suddenly he started veering further out & I assumed he had seen a better spot to get out. He did manage to climb out but then a massive wave came from nowhere and wiped him off like a fly being swatted. I couldn't see him.

I had been in the water for about 15 minutes and decided to swim back to the original get-out point. I tried for probably another 15 to get out, but each time I got near the surge of the wave would wash me away. I was tired, cold & scared. I had swallowed a lot of water. That was the first time in my life I thought I could very well die. Then a miracle: I tried to hide behind an outcropping of rock the size of a minibus to shield myself from the next wave, little did I know the water would push up from below and basically the sea threw me out. I landed and dragged on the rock and cut my hands quite badly. I quickly scampered up the rock and threw up. And then miracle no 2: my friend had seen me and followed me & got out 2 minutes later. We had both survived, but were injured and badly shaken.

We climbed to the top of the rock and looked down the other side: a much smaller channel but the water so rough it looked like it was boiling. No going further, no going back. We realised our pick up would know by dark that we were missing. We slept on that rock, wearing only shorts & shoes. No water no food.

The next morning a pod of dolphins swam by and I knew we were going to make it. It had stopped raining. Finally the National Sea Rescue came zipping past in a rescue boat. After a scramble and a swim we were both in the boat. I thought they would be angry but were the greatest. On the ride to the station we saw how bad & far the route ahead was. We would never have made it.

That night we went to the local & each ordered a litre pitcher of beer, not knowing it was 'buy one get one free' night. That's where it all started.

I was a social / moderate drinker from there on. After studying psychology for 3 years I dropped out again. After that photography for three years, where I met my future wife (possibly ex-wife). I loved that and finished the course, even winning a couple of awards. I started drinking a little more, not every day and never by myself. A friend of mine would often buy a few beers and go home to watch TV. I still thought to myself I would never be like that. How times change!

After photography I became a partner in a small nightclub. That is when I really started drinking. I found out that I had quite a high tolerance for alcohol and could finish a bottle of hard tack in a night and still function the next day. I was also using some drugs, smoking a lot of grass. My girlfriend left to go overseas and heartbroken I followed her a few months later. The drinking subsided a bit, no more drugs but still daily smoking.

We eventually stayed overseas for allmost 3 years and in that time I was a moderate drinker, smoker and occasional cocaine user. After coming back to sunny South Africa (aged 28) we moved to the same coastal town of so many years before. I was off coke for nine months and didn't even think about it. Still smoking, drinking moderately, we eventually married and I was working steadily.

We had two amazingly beautiful children who I love dearly and everybody says I am a great father.

Incidently I stopped smoking weed about a year ago and will never smoke again. Just one day I realised how it was ruining my life and gave up just like that. I also haven't had coke in months and doubt if I ever will either. Those two I gave up without thinking.

About 4 years ago the real shit started. I left my company and started a new business with a friend that did really well. Big mistake, both the type of business and choice of friend. It was extremely stressful and completely the wrong line of business for me. I was simply not cut out for it but was actually quite good at it. I started drinking every day. Not much, but every day. Is 6-8 beers a lot? Gradually over the last few years I managed to up my intake. Still, except for the last year or so not much.

Except for parties (where everyone got tipsy/drunk) I would hardly ever be the worst. I've never blacked out or had memory loss. Never throw up, hardly get abusive, NEVER violent. I am a happy drunk.

My relationship with my wife started deteriorating, I was so stressed out, two new babies, tough job, building a house etc. She was a little depressed, I guess post-natal so the relationship was suffering on all fronts. I was going to bed early every night because I was so tired & stressed. For 2 years she was alone each night.

I want to say something here: I've bee faithful to my wife for 13 years, and also I hardly went out with the boys to drink. I was always home but asleep! She wanted to end the relationship.

Towards the end of last year I started drinking earlier & earlier. I was convinced no-one knew but now I am not so sure. I kept telling my wife how desperate I was to change careers but it was difficult to get out. Careful of what you wish for.

Suddenly the world economy collapsed (thanks America!) and no more work! My business partner / best friend started ignoring me. I was at the most difficult time in my life but he only ever phoned if he needed something. Finally I confronted him in anger, because when I needed a friend most he wasn't there for me. I turned out that I was apparently always putting him down over the last four years. I couldn't believe it! After 4 years of building resentment he finally chose my darkest hour to tell me. I felt hurt & betrayed. I apologised 3 times, I can be very critical not only of myself but also of those around me, so it was possibble. I also speak my mind, sometimes I lack tact but I am always honest. But never did I intentionally mean to hurt him, I was unaware. He could have said something years ago. He still hasn't apologised and said he would never. I offered for us to see a neutral 3rd party so we could sort this out, but he refused. I am trying to forgive him and some days I feel I have. I will never trust him again. I will never be his friend again.

Wife is leaving, I have a fresh stab wound in my back, jobless and broke. Other than that life was great! I was on half a bottle of Vodka a day now. (Is that a lot? And isn't it amazing how you always find the money?) Just as we were about to lose our house we rented it which covered the bond (almost). So my wife & kids moved in with her dad. This is 3 weeks ago.

In the meantime I am doing more freelance work in all my old skills. My two biggest clients have also turned out to be amazing people, they have helped a lot. And also not being in that line of work anymore has transformed me! Wow! Now that I look back I realise how a lot my drinking was to numb the stress & pain of doing something I didn't like. Hopefully I will never do that line of work again.

I have been away the last 3 weeks to look for work in the city. I miss my children desperately. The first weekend I was here I drank 4 bottles of Vodka, a few bottles of wine and stuff I never drink. I've been having half to whole bottle every day.

But one small breakthrough came in the first week. I forced myself to have a drink only after 5pm. So for the last 3 weeks (except the weekends) I was sober all day. Last night I drank a whole bottle, and this morning, shaking like a leaf I decided it was the end.

I drove to the mall to see if the natural shop had any advice. It was the first time in my life that I admitted openly that I was a drunk (it felt great). (except my wife, I have admitted long a go I have problem). The lady was wonderful so I got some supplements.

I have been sober all day. I don't know how hard this is going to be. I realise I might drink again, but maybe I won't. I gave up weed in a day after 14 years of smoking.

I feel strong and very positive. I am going home tomorrow and I will see my children. I have told my wife I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She is unsure so I will leave her be for the moment. I have done a lot of things wrong with my wife, sleeping too much, not taking her out, obsessing over problems, being a drunk. I can and am changing. I am moving in with a friend so she'll have space.

And the drink? I would like to think it possible I could go back to the occasional drink at a party or a nice cold beer or two after a hot day. Maybe it is maybe it isn't.

I feel for the first time in a long time that my life is an open book, I have the pen in my hand and have the power to create the next chapter of my life.

Wish me luck.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

A new life

Hi Kiranese, and welcome. Thank you for sharing your story, you are really going through some tough times. We are here to help, you have found a great community that offers non judgemental advice, support and help. Can I suggest, if you haven't already done so, to download and read the MWO book. This will help you formulate a plan that works best for you and advises on which suppliments will help most and also meds if you decide to take them. But for the moment drink plenty of water, take the supps and keep close to the forum. You can do this and it starts one day at a time.
Keep safe
KTAB

[Blue Sky]

A new life

Hi Kiranese :welcome:

I hope you found writing everything out helpful. Come back to it when you have a weak moment. You have some very good reasons to stay sober.

You are obviously a strong minded person to have quit the weed and coke cold turkey. You hold the key to quitting alcohol too, will power is the esential ingredient!

The support on this site is really great. Lots of good info too, keep reading and posting. Have a look in the monthly abstinance forum at the toolbox thread. Lots of ideas there to help too.

I too have been guilty of being absent thro 'sleeping' too much. The thing is that it wasn't true sleep but more passed out. Now I know what sober sleep is! I wake up having slept less but so much more refreshed. Anxiety levels dropping too!

Good luck.

[Kiranese]

A new life

to all you good people,

As I said I've always had a high tolerance, maybe that's part of my downfall. I was sleeping a lot because of stress & being tired. I was drinking beer then & beer made me tired, helped me sleep. I was never drinking till I passed out then. I haven't had a beer in months exactly for that reason. And I was getting fat! I regret everything I've done but I am determined to win. I've read a lot of threads, today was the first day I've ever actively looked for help. Actually no, I got a doctor to prescribe Topomax, but that made me feel really creepy so I stopped. That was 6 months ago. But today was the first day I've researched on the web and that's how I found this site. It is incredibly powerful. The first problem I see is that I will be sober for a while & think I can have drink again. I'm going to watch for that. Thank you all & good luck to you all. I am winning.
I thank the universe for all I have & that my beautiful children are too young to understand. I have a chance for them to grow up with a sober father. I might have chance to win my wife back from the brink. I have a good chance to restart my lost career as a photographer. I have my whole life in front of me. I am winning. I might stumble along the way but I will get up again & again & again.

[startingover]

A new life

Kiranese, you are sounding strong and determined, that is what it will take to win this battle. Keeping all those things in mind regarding what you want from your life will help you when the going gets tough.
You seem to have a plan too.
I wish you well, you have made a great start.

[cacky]

A new life

Kiranese, welcome to the site. You are going to find alot of friends here and yes some of us will be americans. dont ever give up on yourself and your kids. We chat alot and post alot. its great that you are reaching out.:welcome:

[Lavande]

A new life

Welcome Kiranese,

Glad you found us! You sound like an intelligent individual, have done your research and made the right decision to jump on board with us.
Try to focus on one day at a time right now, baby steps. When you get 30 AF days under your belt, ask yourself if you are really ready for a drink. That's what I did and the answer was a resounding NO!
It didn't take long to realize that, for me, staying AF would be a whole lot easier than trying to moderate. See how you feel when the time comes..............

In the meantime I wish you the best on your journey.
Stay in touch with us

[Kiranese]

A new life

cacky;629831 wrote: Kiranese, welcome to the site. You are going to find alot of friends here and yes some of us will be americans. dont ever give up on yourself and your kids. We chat alot and post alot. its great that you are reaching out.:welcome:

I don't mind America at all! My wife is half American & half our family live there. We spent a year travelling in a minivan from Maine to NY to Chicago to Memphis to San Diego. I found the people incredibly giving (even the NYers!). I'd love to go back one day.

Lavande, I think you are right. Is there anyone who sucessfully went back to drinking normally for years? At the moment I am so fed up with drink I wouldn't mind ever touching a drop again. It was the same with weed but I know that is a different devil.

Can I expext withdrawal? What is it like? I am taking glutamine.

Well not much, first 24hrs in years that I didn't drink. And I am goiing to my hometown to see my kids today.

Again, thanks for all, this is a powerful place.

[startingover]

A new life

Good to hear K,
You might get withdrawals. For me it felt flu like and I treated it as such. Rest, water, mild painkillers.
Glutamine is great because it will help keep your blood sugar levels balanced and stop cravings. Make sure you eat healthy too.
The headaches and anxiety lasted a bit longer but were very tolerable.
You might not get any at all....
You are doing great. Well done!

[Kiranese]

A new life

Hi,

I am on day five, no alcohol at all. Came back to see my kids & it was amazing. Had to leave a day later and the parting was traumatic for all. Came to my friend's flat (apartment?) who lent it to me for a week while he is away. There are 3 beers & a bottle of wine in the fridge. I was so low but I didn't even think of drinking anything. There still are 3 beers & a bottle of wine in the fridge and that was 2 days ago.

I read there is a difference between alcoholic, alcohol addicted & alcohol abuser. Is that true and if so what is the difference.

Day 5, can you believe it? The first & only since I started drinking heavily 4 years ago. Thanks to you all.