At the end of my rope......

[izzy40]

Hi All,

I've been dipping in and out of this site for a while now and I really admire your courage and strength of mind.

I on the other hand am weak and pathetic and can't even seem to pluck up the courage to go more than 2 days AF. I feel terrible, shaky, sick, hungover and pretty lousy most of the time and when I've gone 2 days I feel great but somehow that all goes out the window because I feel OK I think I can drink a few and then I'll be fine. Why do I think that, it's never worked before?????

I've probably been drinking about 2 bottles of wine a night for the last 10 years with 9 months off in between to have my son. With the odd day AF.

I feel like I'm am going to die most days am scared and afraid of everything. Scared of dying, scared of living, typing this I am sobbing because I just hate myself right now and am really not in a good place.

I adore my son and husband and they adore me, I have a great job which I love but it's now getting to a point where I can't function. I have panic attacks in the car and am terrified I'll crash one day, Frankly I'm scared of everything.

I've tired counselling which worked for a while, anitdepressants but they made me feel out of control (that's a laugh right cos I'm so in control now!) I always thought I was a strong person but now I know I'm not.

Wine helps me relax and stop thinking for a while. Please anyone out there give me some advice, a kind word, I'm really unhappy and am trying to get through this fog.

Izzy xxxx

[Blue Sky]

At the end of my rope......

:welcome:

Hi Izzy

Yes, you do sound at the end of your rope, but sometimes that's what it takes to decided to change. No sudden dramatic trauma but a slow realisation that it can not go on like this any longer.

The key is inside you and coming here to this site is a big step in the right direction. Commit yourself to 4 days alcohol free (AF). A small step which will feel gigantic to you today. But it's achievable, you can do it. After 4 days it's up to you whether to continue but the worst of the withdrawal should be behind you. Many people on this site have been in exactly your position, you are not alone and they can offer you great insight and support.

Dry those tears, today is your Day 1!:l

[izzy40]

At the end of my rope......

Hi BlueSky,

Do you know what, your quote "If alcohol makes you happy I should be the happiest person alive. I'm not". God how true that rings in my ears.

I am so determined to do this. Doc has prescribed Prozac but am too scared to take it. Am terrified I will die, see I can't stop thinking I'm going to die!

My son was really poorly in the night so haven't had more than 4 hours sleep and now my boss is angry because I can't go in to work and it's all got too much for me. Can't stop crying.

Well they say when you hit rock bottom the only way is upwards! Fingers crossed.

Thank you for your kind words.

Izzy xx

[Taz1]

At the end of my rope......

Hi Izzy

You've made the first big step coming on here and being honest with yourself. The only way is up now, so thats good. Today is day one, take one day at a time. Keep connected with this site. You may wish to look at the toolbox thread in monthly abstinence its got some really great tips to deal with cravings and getting on track for AF days. You are stronger that you think, you just dont know it yet.

'Wine helps me relax and stop thinking for a bit' - ultimatly its the wine that is making you so anxious and out of control. I was like you Mon & Tues no wine then think I not got a problem time to reward and drink myself stupid for the remainder of the week. Come Mon I would feel suicidal, worthless and weak and so stop again, and so the chronic cycle would continue. I have only been on this site for a few weeks, but it has so helped keep me on track, I have no means broken the back of this addiction yet but finally I feel I am on the way, within 5 days the suicidal thoughts stopped, the serious lows have disappeared and there is light at the end for sure. All within 8 days, I cant believe it.

You've started your journey, hang in there, you and your family are worth it Izzy. One day at a time. Keep posting

Taz x

[bloggy]

At the end of my rope......

Hi Izzy

Welcome...

I can totally relate to the fear, the anxiety and the not being able to function anymore...the only thing that seems to temporarily relieve it is the alcohol...but of course it is the alcohol that is causing it in the beginning.

I think you need some support- it is so hard trying to get out of this mess by ourselves- is your doctor sympathetic?

There are quite a number of us trying baclofen, it does wonders for the cravings and the anxiety too, so it even kills two birds with one stone.

Please stick around, and keep reading, you will probably need also something to help with withdrawals- again there is heaps on information on the site- or just ask, there is always somebody here.

[Guitarista]

At the end of my rope......

Hi Izzy.
You are NOT weak and pathetic, but i can see a couple of really good, and precious reasons to stop. Can't you? Get a vision of why you want to stop drinking, and keep it in your head. Write it out, and put it up somewhere. Do 2 days, then keep going! Don't pussyfoot about. Scared of dying?........I'm sorry to inform you, but if you keep going like you have been, you will die. And you are dying a slow, painful death right now. Get prepared, get a plan, and just DO IT.
Best wishes.............G.

[izzy40]

At the end of my rope......

That's good advice, crikey who'd have thought it a straight talking Aussie! Sorry am trying to lighten my mood!

Thank you xx

[cacky]

At the end of my rope......

Izzy, Welcome. Give yourself a break. I agree with everyone so far. Try to go 4 days AF. Dont look at yourself as being week. Look at yourself as someone worthwhiled (sp) enough to get better and live a fulfilling life. Does your doc know how much you drink? as much as that sucks to do. it is really important for the doctor to know especially when you are talking medication. Right now i am about 3-5 days AF a week depending on my circumstances. I have found ways to control myself around folks but when i am alone i dont control. I dont drive after i drink and i dont get around anyone. This works ok for me because i am separated. Although i am discussing with my husband about getting back together. I am considering going on balcofen because i need something extra to help me really kick the habit and i ordered it and hopefully will get it next week. I keep reading everyone else's posts and find that this helps. Izzy there is always AA. I have received alot of support from there as well.

I just got word yesterday that a member from my AA Home Group died last week. Although the details are sketchy we all think that things probably got to be way too much for him. He left two small boys. We have to remain strong for those that we may leave behind.

Izzy we are here for you

[Lavande]

At the end of my rope......

Izzy,

I'm sorry that you are feeling so poorly but maybe it's a good thing.
It's time now to do what you have to do to get well.

Think about your son & husband. Think about yourself. You all deserve better than this. You can make everything right. Take the first step, make today day 1, tomorrow day 2.............before you know it you'll have 4 AF days under your belt and will feel amazing.

Don't be another victim, take charge of your life now.

Wishing you all the best.

[AAthlete]

At the end of my rope......

izzy40;630121 wrote:
Wine helps me relax and stop thinking for a while.....

Izzy, to me that is why simply stringing together four or five days AF usually isn't enough. Alcohol was never my true problem, it was all the crazy thinking going on in my head. I felt like my brain would never shut off:

"if I just stop drinking tomorrow I can be a better parent for my son, and then I can start working out more and look great, and my wife will think I am awesome and love me like no tomorrow..... But wait, how can I accomplish all those things - that's too tall of an order and I don't want to look like a failure..... God, I need a drink...."

The cycle would repeat itself over and over again, and I had to learn how to admit to myself the extent of my problem, learn to forgive myself and let go of all that to crap floating through my head. Simply not drinking didn't make those thoughts running through my head go away. Not an easy order at all but it can be done. What I learned is that you simply take it one day at a time, and it all begins with that first step.... You mentioned that you had done therapy before and it had helped? Sometimes we do need to truthfully admit our problems to someone else and ask for help....

[byebyebridgetjones]

At the end of my rope......

Hi Izzy and welcome. I'm new here too.
I was just thinking to myself today, what would I do with a person who turned up when things weren't going well, took me by the hand pretending to be my friend, ensured that I embarrassed and alienated myself from friends and family,wrecked my body, woke up feeling like shit, spent good money to feel this way and then left me there to deal with the fallout by myself.
What an arsehole.
You'd kick them right out of your life, and never want to see them again.
Booze is no mate of yours or mine.
Do it for your hubby and child, but mainly for yourself.
Bridget.

[42cat]

At the end of my rope......

Welcome, Izzy. Nice to meet you. Please know that most of us can relate to how you're feeling. I could have written your post almost word-for-word (change the "2 bottles of wine" to "750 ml of rum or vodka, morning to night"). Afraid of everything - driving panic, dying, living, future, past. Went to my doc .. told her I was sad, drinking (some), etc. She immediately (too quickly, imo) prescribed Paxil. I never took it (scared). Maybe I need meds, but not right now.

I got to the point last week where I just hated AL .. but when I tried to stop, withdrawal symptoms quickly set in ... gagging, anxiety, panic, worry, etc. I was SO angry with the whole situation. But going cold turkey scared me, so I tapered (still got withdrawals, but felt a little more in control). I posted about it - should be in my recent posts if you want to read.

So, I'm still VERY early with trying to get off of alcohol .. and not qualified to give much advice .. but I do know that if I can get at least this far after all these years, YOU can do this too.

The first step is wanting to. You're here! (Btw, this is the ONLY place I'm honest about this - no one knows what I went through last week except you guys .. not my family, not my work, no my doc - no one.) ... Then maybe make a plan to try some new strategies .. herbal supplements, extra vitamins, coping strategies, etc. There's lots of great information right here in the forum. If one strategy doesn't work, keep trying ... and never stop trying. We can do this.

*hugs* .. Here's to a good life ... a better life ... a happier / contented life ... you can do this and come out the other side. You CAN. .... (Btw, so far, for me, the anxiety and panic, worry, dark thoughts have definitely diminished significantly.)

[DeeBee]

At the end of my rope......

Big hugs Izzy!!
Hope you are starting to feel a bit better and inspired to get the ball rolling on your sobriety.

[LilBit]

At the end of my rope......

Hugs, Izzy, and congrats on honestly assessing your situation. The others said everything very well (wow DeeBee, great poem!). All I would add is my own emphatic reiteration that -- I know this is hard to believe -- the wine is indeed causing a lot of your anxiety. It's ironic, but it's one of the lies that wine tells you. Some others are:

- You'll lie awake at night, unable to fall asleep if you don't have a glass or two.
- You don't have a problem as long as you're only drinking wine (and not liquor like *those other folks*).
- Wine is not as devastating to your body as some other things.
- In some parts of the world, they drink wine all the time, so it can't be that bad for you.

Ah yes, our friend, Vino, is a smooth talker! But, find a way to place some distance between Vino and yourself, and you'll soon see right through all the 'little white lies,' 'little red lies,' 'little sparkling lies...'

Good, good luck! Please keep posting, reading, and learning. Try MWO, the supps, the meds if necessary, and EVERYTHING else you can think of! Most of all, make a plan and follow it. You can do it!

Love,

LilBit

[DoneDrinkin]

At the end of my rope......

I can soooooo relate to this...

--Steve

AAthlete;630344 wrote:
"if I just stop drinking tomorrow I can be a better parent for my son, and then I can start working out more and look great, and my wife will think I am awesome and love me like no tomorrow..... But wait, how can I accomplish all those things - that's too tall of an order and I don't want to look like a failure..... God, I need a drink...."