Thank you all for your posts and encouragement. The good news is that I feel really good this morning - had a good sleep, woke up feeling normal, and calm. Then I made a huge mistake.
I told hubby that I had found a website where there were lots of people just like me who are in day 1, day 5, day 30, whatever, who are all going through this together. I asked him not to come looking for me, and really out of respect for me I hope he does not until I invite him into my head. Anyway, I told him that there were so many people who were having no AL, or having one now and then, or binging, or falling off, and that the good thing about this group was that if there is a fall the overwhelming response from the community is to begin again. I really like the non-judgemental attitude here. Of course, my plan is to stay AF for at least a year and then see if I can handle an occasional few sips. But that is not a goal.
Short term goal - my mom arrives tomorrow, and we have dinner plans on Friday and Saturday, and a piano recital on Sunday where I am playing. Goal is to get through mom's visit et. al. without AL and feel comfortable about it. I really think I can do it.
Medium term goal - I leave for the US in early July, for several family visits and a wedding. Goal is to be AF the entire time.
Long term goal - AF for at least a year, maybe forever, we'll have to see.
SOOO, when I told hubby about the diversity within the group and the ways we are all helping each other, what he HEARD was that I was planning on going back. What he wanted was for me to say that I would not, assuredly, firmly, like I was confessing to a tribunal, and I would not do it. That made him mad.
One criticism he has always had about me is that I make everything about ME, that I don't listen to HIM. In some ways that is true - when he gets angry with me, all I do is get defensive instead of hearing the real issues. When he is angry, all I hear are echoes of my mother yelling at me, my father yelling at me, and all those feeling of helplessness I had as a child and throughout most of my adult life.
So as he was leaving, with his set jaw, sunglasses on, tight facial muscles, I walked him to the door and told him that even though it is true that I have a tendency to make other issues about me, THIS TIME is really IS about me. I am not quitting because he wants me to. In fact, I told him that I would drink to dull my fears of his wrath. Now, he's a pretty good guy, it's not like he's angry all the time, but I often don't say what I would like to so that he won't react badly. Not very healthy. His response, and it's a good one, is that people drink for all sorts of reasons, and if it's not one thing it would be another. Again, true, but what he doesn't know is that I can't use him as an excuse, and that I won't let him have this sort of power over me anymore. He was so angry his face was shaking. I started to cry silently. I told him that I felt strong, and that getting out of this mess would make me powerful. He said, 'maybe we should correspond over this.' which really hurt my feelings. I told him that, and he said that I was ignoring what he wants. I don't want to correspond with my husband over this!!!!!! He walked out, and I said 'thank you,' and he responded 'thank YOU' and you know just how he said it.
I feel very sad, but I don't feel like drinking. I know I will have to accept that he wants reassurance, but really what does verbal reassurance mean? Absolutely nothing. And it is humiliating to me. I hope I can hold out and be strong inside until he understands why I don't want him to treat me like a preacher with me begging redemption and forgiveness. F-that!
Bottom line - I must learn NOT to share my journey with him because he'll only respond to his own fears, and miss my point because he is coming from such a different origin.
I told hubby that I had found a website where there were lots of people just like me who are in day 1, day 5, day 30, whatever, who are all going through this together. I asked him not to come looking for me, and really out of respect for me I hope he does not until I invite him into my head. Anyway, I told him that there were so many people who were having no AL, or having one now and then, or binging, or falling off, and that the good thing about this group was that if there is a fall the overwhelming response from the community is to begin again. I really like the non-judgemental attitude here. Of course, my plan is to stay AF for at least a year and then see if I can handle an occasional few sips. But that is not a goal.
Short term goal - my mom arrives tomorrow, and we have dinner plans on Friday and Saturday, and a piano recital on Sunday where I am playing. Goal is to get through mom's visit et. al. without AL and feel comfortable about it. I really think I can do it.
Medium term goal - I leave for the US in early July, for several family visits and a wedding. Goal is to be AF the entire time.
Long term goal - AF for at least a year, maybe forever, we'll have to see.
SOOO, when I told hubby about the diversity within the group and the ways we are all helping each other, what he HEARD was that I was planning on going back. What he wanted was for me to say that I would not, assuredly, firmly, like I was confessing to a tribunal, and I would not do it. That made him mad.
One criticism he has always had about me is that I make everything about ME, that I don't listen to HIM. In some ways that is true - when he gets angry with me, all I do is get defensive instead of hearing the real issues. When he is angry, all I hear are echoes of my mother yelling at me, my father yelling at me, and all those feeling of helplessness I had as a child and throughout most of my adult life.
So as he was leaving, with his set jaw, sunglasses on, tight facial muscles, I walked him to the door and told him that even though it is true that I have a tendency to make other issues about me, THIS TIME is really IS about me. I am not quitting because he wants me to. In fact, I told him that I would drink to dull my fears of his wrath. Now, he's a pretty good guy, it's not like he's angry all the time, but I often don't say what I would like to so that he won't react badly. Not very healthy. His response, and it's a good one, is that people drink for all sorts of reasons, and if it's not one thing it would be another. Again, true, but what he doesn't know is that I can't use him as an excuse, and that I won't let him have this sort of power over me anymore. He was so angry his face was shaking. I started to cry silently. I told him that I felt strong, and that getting out of this mess would make me powerful. He said, 'maybe we should correspond over this.' which really hurt my feelings. I told him that, and he said that I was ignoring what he wants. I don't want to correspond with my husband over this!!!!!! He walked out, and I said 'thank you,' and he responded 'thank YOU' and you know just how he said it.
I feel very sad, but I don't feel like drinking. I know I will have to accept that he wants reassurance, but really what does verbal reassurance mean? Absolutely nothing. And it is humiliating to me. I hope I can hold out and be strong inside until he understands why I don't want him to treat me like a preacher with me begging redemption and forgiveness. F-that!
Bottom line - I must learn NOT to share my journey with him because he'll only respond to his own fears, and miss my point because he is coming from such a different origin.
Comment