Scared but optimistic

[DeeBee]

Scared but optimistic

Oh, and I wanted to just say that I think chatting to your wife is a wise decision -- she may not understand but she's sure to support you:-)

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Thanks, cat - now you've gone and given me a lump in my throat :-)

I DO want to have control back. I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cringe...

I'll let you know how tonight went. In the meantime, my plan for tomorrow is:

1. Have something for breakfast, even if it is just one fruit (I haven't eaten breakfast in years).
2. Have something other than canteen food (very stodgy, often oily) for lunch. Go out of the building and select a salad with smoked salmon (treat myself a bit with one of my favourite foods).
3. Change the normal evening routine. Alternate AL intake with other fluids.
4. Remember WHY I'm I'm doing this
5. Remember that I CAN be strong.

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Hi, Deebee

x-post...

Thanks for the support - I really appreciate it.

I know that I need to open up and talk to her, but that's almost more dificult than beating the cravings *sigh*

I think it is the feeling of shame and having repeatedly let her down.

I have thought of the possibility of writing her a letter just to get the conversation started. Please give me advice from a woman's perspective: would you think it cowardly if your DH took that approach?

[startingover]

Scared but optimistic

Hey Tip,
May I say something here?
For me, if my husband were having problems and he wrote me a letter, I would not feel that he was being cowardly at all. As long as we could talk about it at some stage.
Writing a letter is a way of expressing how we are feeling in a non threatening way. Sometimes we all find it hard to express ourselves especially when its something this important. But I think men find this even harder.
Also receiving a letter will give her a while to digest before reacting.
I think its a good idea.
Plus your plan for each day , making small changes to your life is superb.
Can you add in a bit of gentle exercise like walking? That will really help your mind to settle.
Big hugs you can do this.

[DeeBee]

Scared but optimistic

I think writing a letter is a beautiful way to open the communication channels.
Hubby eventually sent me an e-mail when I hit rock bottom. I found it not so long ago and although it was written nearly 3 years ago the emotions which were so raw and clear are still there -- it is a letter I will always treasure as it was the beginning of my journey.

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Thanks for that, start and deebs - I'll give the letter a go. It will help me to structure my thinking and get the right issues on the table.

I've been avoiding the issue of exercise, as mentioned by lots of MWO'ers. I've always hated exercise, but I guess its like eating your vegetables... Its winter in South Africa, and its dark by the time I get home. What I'll try to do from tomorrow is to incorporate a short walk into my lunch break, and see how it goes.

[Cinders]

Scared but optimistic

Tip,

A letter is a wonderful idea. My hubby sends me e-mails when he really wants to say something important. It gets us past the awkward stage you find yourself in when you are together and want to talk seriously.

We then talk about the e-mail, though. You have to be willing to follow through.

I can't wait to see your progress as you taper off. Stay strong, you CAN do it.

Cindi

[42cat]

Scared but optimistic

Tip, I'm really liking your plan. I'm trying to use good foods, too. For some reason, I hate fruit and salads at home, but when I bring them into work for lunch or as a snack, they're actually yummy. Weird, huh. lol

Re. changing evening routine - Me too. I find getting out for a walk, or to run to the grocery or drug store (nearby) breaks things up nicely for me. I used to just sit and drink (or sneak drinks - like in the bedroom while pretending to do something else) .... (In fact, there is a "stain" in my top drawer where I used to hide my cup.. gotta scrub that off.)

And I'll add my "woman's perspective", too.... Of course, a lot depends on the couple involved, relationship, etc. ...... If my DH were having a personal problem and wanted to share it with me, asked for help, etc., it wouldn't matter at all to me whether it was face-to-face or in a letter. The fact that he took that step would really make me feel really good .. needed .. and that's a great feeling. It would also make me happy that I will be helping to change our lives for the better ... Gives ya something to work for and look forward to.

Me, I couldn't tell anyone ... I just couldn't. Cowardly maybe, but I didn't see it helping at all in my particular situation. Plus there's the issue of all the money I'd secretly spent - my gawd, the money, upwards of $25 per DAY secretly cut out of my pay cheques, and we're not well-to-do by any means .. and then there is my "hiding place" .. under the bottom drawer of my dresser, within a couple of feet of his side of the bed. I wish I could share all of that, but I just couldn't. I needed to just make it all disappear and pretend it never happened. Maybe that's wrong. Maybe I'm weak. Probably. I wish you more strength that I had in this regard.

Whatever you choose, and however you choose to do it, keep on posting! We are your cheering squad. Raw!

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Cindi, Cat - thank you, thank you and thank you again.

You girls are bringing tears to my eyes - literally! But I actually don't mind - the emotions need to come out for me to get better and become stronger than AL. So many times in the past I've made the decision to just crop up feelings and emotions. That is unhealthy.

I just need to be very careful how I approach it. In the past, when she mentioned my drinking (big mistake - while I was drunk) she used to say: "This is all about you, isn't it?" Although true, she also needs to understand that recovering is about ME. I'm not doing it for anyone else. The rest of the fixing-up will happen by itself if I can get that right.

Cat: thank you for the honesty!!! It makes it much easier to also share my experiences and feelings.

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Hi, All

Just a quick update (having a rather busy day at the office).

Last night went well: 250 ml vodka, 2 glasses of wine (smaller ones). Didn't drink 1st thing after getting home - normally make a beeline for stash :-(

Diversionary tactics: getting gas heaters out and cleaned (very cold in CT at the moment). Involved daughter with cooking. Arrived home 6.00 p.m., 1st drink 7.00 p.m, last one 10.00 p.m. Bed 11.30 - awake at 3.00 a.m. Sweats better, though.

Today: still shaky, but OK. Managed a banana for breafkfast, having lunch now - toasted Ciabatta and coffee (too cold for saldy stuff).

Feeling generally positive and better than yesterday. Will pop in later for update about plan for tonight and tomorrow morning and general feedback.

Hope everyone is well :-)

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Scared but optimistic

Hi Tip its great that your putting your plan into place. Even the smallest steps in the right direction add up to the overall picture. I think a walk at lunch time is a super idea, if you can get out. It will get some fresh air in and help clear your thought process.
I just wanted to pop in and let you know that we are rooting for you here. Keep up the good work, it does get easier.

[42cat]

Scared but optimistic

Tip .. nice job on tapering yesterday and with the plan in general. Sounds like it's coming together. Keep it up .. you're doing fantastic!

[DeeBee]

Scared but optimistic

Oh well done Tip.
Just breaking that routine of NOT pouring a drink the minute you walk in the front door is empowering isin't it...... you are taking back control of your life -- good for you.

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

KTAB, Cat, Deebee - thanks for the encouragement. It really does give me strength.

Forgot to mention in my previous post: I cleared out the stash in the bedroom while my wife went for her jog. And I am NOT putting bottles in there again. I now keep both vodka and wine in the kitchen. Much more difficult to just sneak a drink here or there.

For tonight, I'm planning the following:

1. Reduce vodka to 200ml, keep red wine on two glasses.
2. Terrible weather here, and I noticed a blocked gutter this morning. Am going to clear it instead of rushing to have a drink, then take a nice warm shower.
3. Making myself a cup of rooibos (indigenous SA herbal tea) with lemon (tried Tulipe's suggestion of water & lemon, but not too lekker) before 1st drink.
4. Making soup (roast butternut) for dinner. Will involve son tonight, because he loves using the blender :-)
5. Keep strong and remeber why I'm doing this - pop in at MWO on my cellphone, like I did last night after having last drink. Can't post, but can read other posts easily enough. It helped to kill the idea of having just one last little drink...
6. A banana and another cup of rooibos before bed - maybe that way I'll sleep better.

I think I've found a good goal to work towards: my wife wants us to go on a family holiday for spring school break (September). I want to be AF, and have tapered down the baclofen to a maintennace dose by then, and NOT TAKE ANY AL ON THE TRIP. We're thinking of doing a trip either down the Orange River (border between SA and Namibia), or go to Transkei (Wild Coast). Both destinations remote, and it will be difficult to find AL, also in family's company all day. I don't want it to be agony, and would also like to enjoy myself without the demon talking in my head the whole time.

Till later, all - and take care.

[42cat]

Scared but optimistic

Love the planning, Tip. Way to work it! And nice job on clearing out the bedroom stash. I still have stashed a half bottle of rum and 3 beers (leftover from the beers I'd bought to "hide" while tapering in private). Thanks for the reminder that I have some pouring out to do. I keep forgetting!