Scared but optimistic

[DeeBee]

Scared but optimistic

A holiday to look forward to!! Now that's something to be excited about.
I spent 10 days in Coffee Bay recently and loved every minute of it -- it's the perfect place to go if you want to remain AF as there isin't a shop for miles and miles.

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Good morning from a wet, windy and wintry Cape Town. It is 9.00 a.m. and just 8 degrees C outside - unusually cold for us.

Progress: feeling better than I have in a long time this morning. Back, shoulders and arms feeling achy, but shakes getting better. I could shave without danger of inclicting an injury on myself this morning, and the toothpaste went onto the brush in a straight line. LOL @ self.

Last night: 200ml vodka, 2 glasses red. 1st drink 7.15 p.m., last at 9.00. I definitely wanted more, but again browsed MWO to get strength - re-read mooderator's thread, had some more Rooibos tea with lemon, and reminded myself how much better I would feel today if I stopped there. I am down to 1/4 of my usual intake, so even if my daily drinking still equates to a binge, I feel I'm making progress. I went to bed feeling sober at around midnight, but was awake from 4.00. Despite feeling tired, I'm feeling positive!

Plan for today:
1. Vodka down to 175ml, stay on 2 glasses red.
2. Replenish wood for fireplace to help keep me from reaching for a drink when I get home.
3. Treat self for dinner: roast deboned chicken, crispy potato wedges, broccoli and gem squash. Comfort food also seems to help!
4. Rooibos tea with lemon - will probably again have at least three mugs, like last night.
5. Brisk walk around town during lunch (if not raining).
6. Strength, goals in mind + ODAT...

Hope everyone is well and thanks for tolerating my posts - it helps to "talk" about things!

[DeeBee]

Scared but optimistic

I was thinking of you last night when watching the rugger - CT weather really is miserable in winter.
Sunny skies and a warm 24 C here:-)

Tip, you really are making progress. Have you considered taking something for sleep? Although saying that, once you have some AF time under your belt you'll find that your sleep patterns will improve.

[startingover]

Scared but optimistic

Tip, its great that you post this.
Its such a help to not feel alone, to get inspiration from others thoughts and ideas.
To gain support when needed.
Never apologise for posting. Everyone benefits.
You are doing great too, so congratulations.
Your plans are excellent keep it going !!

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Hi, Deebs: you must be somewhere in KZN, then, you lucky fish :-) I've thought about taking something to sleep better, but in the end decided to ride this one out. I have a generally very addictive personality, plus I don't want to be on anything else when I start the baclofen. Will try to be physically more active - that should also help me to get more rest.

Starty: thanks for the encouragement! Posting is making a HUGE difference, I must admit.

Cat: have you done your pouring out yet? Just a gentle reminder :-)

[42cat]

Scared but optimistic

Heeheh, Tip .. I just had to chuckle at the razor and toothpast comment .. For me, it was being able to brush my teeth without gagging. Only those of us struggling with alcohol addiction would understand!

I know what you mean regarding sleep (or not sleeping). The neat thing that I found was that sleepless nights OFF of AL felt soooo much better in the morning than if I'd drank the day/night before and slept for 6-8 hours. Interesting! On one of my last days of tapering, I barely slept 2 hours, but the morning after I felt awesome.

This morning I feel tired for some reason, but still a better tired than AL-tired ... if that makes any sense .. LOL.

Re. your weather ... I think it's so cool how it can be summer in one part of the world and winter in another .. Ha, simple things amuse me.

Have a wonderful day!

[DeeBee]

Scared but optimistic

OMG I had forgotten about the gagging -- I haven't done that in over a year!!

(yip, I am in Sunny Durbs)

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Jeez - there are so many little things we overlook, but that add up to the complete takeover by AL. Yesterday (Tuesday), I attended a workshop from 9.00 - 1.00. While everyone enjoyed freshly brewed coffee, sandwiches and biscuits, I used the excuse of having an upset tummy, just because I knew my hands were so unsteady that I wouldn't be able to hold the cup properly or get some food onto a plate without giving myself away...

Same goes for smokebreaks with colleagues - on the days that I've had the shakes in a bad way, I've had to avoid them and go a find a quiet place where I coudl smoke alone.

Yet another example: adjusting the volume on the car radio can be a nightmare if you have a passenger next to you. I've actually considered selling my car (which I am very attached to), just so that I could get one with steering wheel controls. Duh?

Or avoiding playing with the kids on our wii console, because I couldn't keep the pointer steady on the screen? Duh?

Or turning my back on DW or kids while preparing food, because the knife was all over the place. As we say in SA: "eish..."

I'm on a roll with examples now, but maybe a good thing. It enforces the freedom that being AF can bring.

Only drinking coffee from a cup with a lid in public. Been there.

Learnng to describe objects instead of pointing them out? Yep, been there...

But I'm smiling about it now, with a little sad thrown in for good measure.

Tip

[42cat]

Scared but optimistic

You're so right .. AL takes over in lots of places. One of the big ones for me was avoiding people, or keeping my distance, because of alcohol on my breath - which we all know is impossible to hide, vodka included, even with mints and gum and peanut butter. I have often opted out of going places in the car with DH during the day because he'd surely smell AL on me if we were enclosed in the car together.

Another one would be saying no to going for a walk or clothes shopping with my girls .. because I was either too tired or feeling nauseated. I'd often use "sorry, my back is pretty sore today" as an excuse. How sad.

And then there was the time I had to pretend I had an allergy and/or cold at work because so many people commented on my eyes that day

..... There's a lot of pretending, lying, etc., when it comes to our relationship with AL, isn't there.

One of the things I've really enjoyed the last couple of weeks is that I haven't had to lie, or hide, or do things differently, or make excuses ... because of AL.

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Good morning, all.

Progress: last night was tough! I was still craving pretty badly after 150ml vodka & 2x red. Made another pot of tea and took shower to try and ease things. DW did help a lot, though. She must be noticing that I'm changing my habits, and she's been very nice and caring towards me. Last night asked me to come and snuggle up on the couch with her after kids went to bed. Was comforting :-) Still slept very badly - asleep around 11.30, awake from just after 2.00 a.m.

Feeling OK this morning, feeling tired, body still feeling sore, but head is clearer. Milk thistle must also be helping - liver area not as tender as usual. Treated self to grande latte and choc brownie from Seattle Coffee Co this morning :-)

Plan for today:
1. Habit-breaking: need to sort out pool tonight. Overflowing from the constant rain, need to backwash, test and adjust levels of chlorine.
2. Lots of tea and lemon - last night started brewing by the pot.
3. Prepare treat for kids for dinner (they did very well in their mid-year exams) - macaroni cheese boring, but their favourite.
4. Down to 125ml vodka + 2x red. Going to keep it at that level until Monday. Need to prepare myself for weekend, and not intending to repeat fiasco of last Sunday. Babysteps...
5. Be strong - I know tonight is going to be tough again.
6. Constantly remind self of goals.

The weather is just so cr@ppy at the moment. No wonder our corner of the world is called the Cape of Storms. Constant rain, gale-force winds, lots of property damage and rough seas. If interested, have a look at News24 - Error

Hope everyone is well. I was worried about SEA's post...

[Cinders]

Scared but optimistic

Tip,

Hang in there. You can do this and when you get down to no alcohol, you will so proud of yourself.

Cindi

ps The weather does look horrible!! Note to self, Don't take a vacation in Cape Town!!

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Thanks, Cinders!

Cape Town is just gloomy in winter, though - the summers are awesome (think Mediterranean climate).

[Tulipe]

Scared but optimistic

Hi Tip,
You are just awesome the way you are tapering down. I could never do it that way. You have a huge amount of self-control. Good luck staying with it - it sounds like your wife is noticing a difference and that is great. Enjoy the comfort that brings you on your journey.
- Tulipe

[tiptronic_ct]

Scared but optimistic

Thanks, Tulipe

In the past, I wouldn't have been able to taper like this, but with MWO and a plan for every day, I'm finding it much easier, though still a battle. But I know that I'm going to need the bac (or something else if that doesn't work) to take that final step to becoming AF. I just really don't want to be still drinking out of control when I do take that step. In a sense I also need to know that it's a painful journey, so that I can remind myself that I do not want to do it again.

Thanks for your support!

[puddytat]

Scared but optimistic

all the 'hiding'

was watching "Mary Poppins" w/ niece...got a kick out of where the nanny agency advised Mr Banks to smell the breath of live-in nannies in the morning..."if they smell of peppermints, thems the secret drinkers." no kidding

Cat, gagging when brushing teeth -- still doing that! also when trying to keep food down

Tip, want to 2nd Tulipe's comment about how well you are tapering. Tapering basically is like moderating ... I do OK for a little while but go nuts every few days.

I'm planning my withdrawl end of July, when I'll spend 2 wks with Gram. Am taking the supps and vitamins (always gag on those too) Baclofen should arrive soon - next week? then I'll start titrating up, and be a a dose to ease the crazy withdrawals. am reluctant to withdraw before then, due to kindling, and every withdrawal just gets harder.
Best to you all.