Anna from Michigan

[42cat]

Anna from Michigan

Anna, great to see you there. You know what? I used to have panic attacks as a kid too - started in my teens. I remember the first one like it was yesterday.. scared the cr@p out of me, as it came out of nowhere. (I'm 44 now.) Over the years after that, I've had anxiety and panic attacks too ... long before I started drinking regularly. (I've had to leave grocery store line-ups because of fear ... I've been afraid to drive ... I even ended up going to emergency once, and they brushed it off as "just an anxiety attack" and sent me home.)

Then I started drinking .... drinks made the anxiety and panic go away. Years went by. Drink after drink after drink (yes, even at work, like you) ... The anxiety and/or panic would return when I let up on the drinking, so I didn't let up..... And I was certain the anxiety and panic would come back after I got sober .. I was ready for it, but not looking forward to it .... To my surprise, it's actually completely gone (at least it is right now - so far so good).

I'm not saying you'll have the same "luck" .... but maybe, just maybe (crossing fingers for you) yours will have "gone" just like mine did. I don't know why, but I don't need to know. It's just gone!

In any event, stick around here ... there's so much to read and learn and try. You're going to get there. Here's to happiness, one babystep at a time.

[Cinders]

Anna from Michigan

Anna,

Thanks for checking in again.

We all know the struggle with anxiety and drinking. A very visious cycle.

One calls to the other.

I suffer from panic attacks, too. I keep my Klonipen in my purse just in case but I haven't had to take one since starting the Baclofen. Like you, I am so afraid of yet another addiction.

I hope you get a good plan in place and can execute. 10 years sober is awesome and I hope you can get back there, only this time even better.

Cindi

[mario]

Anna from Michigan

:welcome: just like to say welcome anna,you will have great support & help here

[Evie.Lou]

Anna from Michigan

Welcome Anna, I look forward to getting to know you. This is a great place with tons of wonderful people who understand what you are going thru. I feel sure that The bac will work for you. It's not a magic pill. You do still have work to do on yourself and you can drink thru the Bac if you try hard enough.......but.........it will surely give you the extra help that you need to help you beat this (if that's what you really, really want to do) you CAN DO IT........I KNOW YOU CAN !!!
Feel free to PM me if I can help you in anyway !!!

[Tulipe]

Anna from Michigan

Hi Anna,
Just sending a quick note to see you how you are feeling today. Your patterns sounds a lot like me having a drink when I get ready to have my conference calls with my head office. I can't speak for you, but AL helped me get over the horrifying thought that I wasn't good enough. Trying to turn that around...
Feel free to PM if you wish.
- Tulipe

[Anna B]

Anna from Michigan

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for checking in with me, Tulipe. My apologies for not responding. I've been out of town since Saturday morning so just got all of your messages. I really appreciate how welcoming and encouraging you all are. Thank you.

I went to see a marriage counselor with my husband yesterday. It went pretty well but was also quite painful. We spent the entire session talking about my alcoholism--which he sees as the root of all of our problems. I think we have other problems (who doesn't, though, right?), but he doesn't see it that way. I do agree with him, though, that if I wasn't a drunk, things between us would be infinitely better.

I'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow to try to get a legit prescription for baclofen. I'm going to go to the appointment armed with all of the journal articles and Dr. Ameisen's book. I also have an order in with an online pharmacy just in case my psychiatrist is unwilling to try this. Well, fingers crossed that at least one of these two options will pan out....

-Anna

[42cat]

Anna from Michigan

Anna .. great to hear an update. Please post about your visit with the psychiatrist tomorrow. I've been reading a lot about baclofen lately - sounds awesome. Hope all goes well tomorrow!

[Anna B]

Anna from Michigan

I just got back from my appointment w/ my psychiatrist. As I suspected, he had never heard of baclofen--which seems astonishing to me given that he is an addiction specialist! He just gave me the whole 90 AA meetings in 90 days BS and was extremely condescending towards me, even though I gave him a stack of articles about baclofen. I'm a scientist myself and I understand medical trials, etc. and he still felt the need to explain to me that he has a policy of not prescribing "untested" drugs, even if they are perfectly safe.

To be honest, though, what was the most offensive and horrible thing about my meeting with him was that I had a panic attack this morning (set off by recent financial issues that my husband and I are facing). Of course, it was horrible (as they always are)--I was on the floor shaking, feeling like I was going to have a heart attack and barely breathing. I broke down and took a benzo for the first time in awhile.

I explained it all to him and he was like "well, stop drinking and you won't have those problems any more." And I ONCE AGAIN explained to him that I have always had these anxiety "problems"--even when I was sober for 10 years and even when I was a kid. I acknowledge that the anxiety will get better if/when I get totally sober, but I know myself and I know that they won't go away. I also explained ONCE AGAIN about how anxiety is almost always the reason why I drink in the first place and that I can't just treat my alcoholism without also treating my anxiety disorder. He had no answer to this of course. WTF??

This may sound crazy, but I was so frustrated with him during our meeting that I had to spend all of my energy trying not to cry in front of him. I feel defeated, sad, frustrated, alone and just generally horrible. :upset:

[Cinders]

Anna from Michigan

An addiction specialist with a condescending attitude. Wonderful.

I think all addiction specialists should go to 90 meetings in 90 days themselves.

Not that I think that AA is bad, I go to AA, but I haven't gotten sober with AA.

I have gone a significant (for me) amount of time sober on Baclofen.

I suggest you find a better doctor.

I am sorry you are so down from this. I have gone through it myself. So has my daughter. I'll never forget her tears after talking to a doctor who refused to help her and said, "Go to AA."

She did end up quitting on her own, she does not go to AA, and she is still sober.

Keep trying, Anna. Giving up won't do it.

Love,
Cindi

[42cat]

Anna from Michigan

(( hugs )) ... So sorry that you had a yucky experience with this guy. Please know that you're not alone in yucky doctor / psych experiences though. I've read so many. It's such a huge downer when you expect someone (especially an addiction specialist) to understand and help you .. only to be majorly let down. Can you try a different person?

Please don't let this guy ruin your hopes though. Use the expertise on this website to help steer you in the right direction or give you some ideas about things to try. I've never ordered meds online, but after reading around the boards and learning about trusted websites, doses, what works for others, etc., I would try online ordering if I need to. Just something to think about. There is so much experience and wisdom on this site.

Please don't give up just because of one bad experience. Be strong and keep on fighting for You.

[Anna B]

Anna from Michigan

Thanks, Cindi & 42Cat, for your quick replies.

I know this is probably illegal or something, but I wish there was a list out there of unhelpful/stupid/condescending/harmful psychiatrists and psychologists AND a list of empathetic/caring/helpful ones as well.

I REFUSE to give up on this after this experience. Cindi--I'm so glad your daughter didn't give up either. And I also wish these idiot psychiatrists would go to 90 meetings in 90 days!!

I have an online order of baclofen on its way. Hopefully it will get here soon.

I just had this awesome vision come to me where in a month or so from now after I've been taking the bac and getting support from all of you and my real therapist (not this idiot psychiatrist who sucks--btw, my real therapist is a clinical social worker so she can't prescribe medications, but I've been seeing her for many years and she definitely thinks that anxiety is the root of this hellish addiction I have)--anyway the vision is that I will be on my way to real sobriety and health and I will call him to let him know that I'm doing well on the medication. I'm hoping that maybe that info will push him towards helping other desperate people when they come to him...

[Cinders]

Anna from Michigan

Anna,

And, Dr. Amiesen also suffered from severe anxiety. I believe it is one of the reasons Baclofen helps so much.

I haven't had one single panic attack since getting up to 80 mg/day. Not one.

I am currently on 90 mg/day and not sure if I will titrate up more or not. Despite one blip, I am feeling very good. Now all I am dealing with is the living sober with the daily triggers that I used to deal with by drinking. However, I am finding I can deal with the psycological issues a whole lot easier since I am not dealing with the anxiety and nervousness, too. And I feel good. I just flat out feel good.

I have to admit, though, I thank my lucky stars I did find a psychiatrist who was willing to try this. Not only that but Monday she told me that she has put two others on it. An alcoholic and a cocaine user. They are BOTH reporting good progress. Isn't that awesome?

Cindi

[Anna B]

Anna from Michigan

Cindi,

Yes--that is awesome! Both that you haven't had a single panic attack since starting bac at 80mg and that now your psychiatrist is putting others on the medication. I am inspired by you.

Re: anxiety. I really hope the bac will do for me what it has done for you and others. Dr. Ameisen's account of his life and how his anxiety drove his alcoholism really resonated with me.

--Anna

[Tulipe]

Anna from Michigan

Hi Anna,
Just saw your posts. I sure wish your picture was something other than Sylvia - her story really is freaky and Ted really needed some anger management therapy himself. Although I am drawn to her writing so I can understand the appeal.

Cindi - glad to hear that you are doing well and that you are not having panic attacks. Sounds like you have found some good help.

Anna - Glad to hear the bac is working. My simple advice - stick with the schedule. I didn't take my campies on Tuesday and had a slip, with was thoroughly disagreeable but an interesting experiment which I do not want to repeat. More on that some other time.

On the marriage counselor - I seriously doubt that the root of all your DH problems comes from your drinking. I know I would take a quick drink when I saw my DH was irritable so that I could stay calm. I am trying to teach myself to believe that if he is in a bad mood, it's his shit not mine, and I don't have to take it on. I can, however, comfort him if he's feeling bad. This is hard for me because being the self-centered thing I am I think everything revolves around me! Haha, I remind myself that it doesn't, and get back to the ground. I went through two periods in my life of therapy, each within the last 8 years, which helped me realize this.

Back to you. Your drinking is not the sole source, but it obviouly does not help, and he can use it to make everything your fault. This is another reason I am getting control of myself - if I am sober he can't use this against me to deny my feelings. Learning how to talk and how to listen, even when your partner is angry, is difficult. If advice is cheap here are my two pesos - get yourself AF, use the benzos and bac to help, and when your head is clear it will be a lot easier to stay calm. My DH was angry with me for the first 5 of my AF days because I think he was scared out of his wits. Now I am on day 11, with one slip that I told him about, and he is really being supportive. It takes them time to believe that you are serious about going AF, I think.

I also suggest that you try another marriage counselor. We have used 3 in the course of 15 years, each for relatively short periods of time, and each one had something different to offer. YOU are paying THEM, so if it gives you a funny feeling in your tummy, trust your instincts and try another one.

On the shrink - I would try another one, and keep 'auditioning' them until you find one you like. Sounds like this one doesn't 'get' you at all. They're working for you honey not the other way around!

I wonder if you could find someone near you with specific addition training? I found this:

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/430912_2

I think this area should be a more repected area of research and specialization. The US has a long way to go in terms of making what society considers to be a flaw something we can admit. Other countries usually take a different approach.

Tulipe

[Liath]

Anna from Michigan

Welcome Anna-

I wanted you to know that your story has really resonated with me. I am also in my early thirtys with a serious job, a recent Masters Degree, and my first publication in the works. Applying to PhD programs this fall so I too can get my dream job. I have come close to throwing this (and my relationship) away because of alcohol. Not to mention my health. My family has a history of alcoholism and my dad is living it as I write this. Anxiety issues since I was much younger too. I have made my first serious attempts at getting a handle on alcohol in recent months.

I hope we can all inspire eachother to do what ever it takes to beat this thing. About the anxiety, can I just say that I have tried acupunture for anxiety and insomnia and these symptoms were alleviated after only one 30 minute session. This could really help you get over the hump, especially if it takes a while for the meds to start working. Also, it is great that it doesn't involve drugs at all. Please feel free to PM me or whatever if you need anymore info (like how to find a good acupuncturist). Just a thought..

I really hope you will stick around and wish you the best.

Liath