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**Cinders** · June 25, 2009, 10:34 AM

Trying to find something to believe in

Wasted Time (No More!)

You are describing my past very well. I am sure others will chime in the same as me.

The sad thing is, it got so much worse for me than where you are right now. However, only you will finally decide where your "jumping off point" is. I wish I could help you jump off but I can only encourage you.

In my case, I went from frequent (though no always) blackouts on the nights I drank, to blacking out every time I drank, to waking up with tremors and pain that I could only get rid of by drinking, to drinking 24/7. If I was awake, I was drinking.

A lot of my escalation actually happened after I started MWO. In some ways, I think trying to stop actually escalated my drinking further. If that makes any sense.

A few months ago, I finally started getting a really good grip on my drinking and going AF. (Moderation is simply not possible for me, I have tried that countless times.)

I still lapse occasionally but they are very short term (1 day usually) and, yes, I despise myself afterwards.

This is a frightening addiction. It will eventually kill us if we don't get the better of it. It does harm those around us and our lives are miserable with it.

All I can suggest is that you keep trying. One day it will stick. Do not let anyone here put you off or make you feel unworthy of being here. A few of our long term abstainers took years themselves.

You CAN wrest your life back from alcohol and you CAN recover.

Read, post, make a good plan you can stick with, and take active steps to achieve your plan.

Here is wishing you the best!!

Cindi

**DeeBee** · June 25, 2009, 10:38 AM

Trying to find something to believe in

Welcome Wasted Time (no more!)

I am so pleased that you feel ready to post again.

I hope that whilst lurking you have come to realise that many here don't get it right the first time, in fact for some it's two steps forward, one step back.

I also used to buy my wine in 5lt boxes and just kept topping up my wine glass thinking that no-one noticed.... who was I kidding? My poor suffering hubby and daughter knew exactly what I was doing.

Please stick around, keep posting. We are here to support you:-)

**puddytat** · June 25, 2009, 10:58 AM

Trying to find something to believe in

try not to be afraid to post

Hey, Wasted, also Cindi for your story, lady You are doing so well, despite the slip last week. Wasted,I drink for the same reasons, very extreme shyness and social anxiety. And it's all fixed by AL after a few drinks... it's been a miracle

But after 25 yrs of drinking, I've really hit the skids. And the end is happening fast in the last 3 yrs --crazy!. No keeping up appearances anymore. Pajamas, what are those? drink 24/7 -- never thought I'd be this bad. Hated hard liquor for yrs -- only wine and beer. last few yrs have been hardcore vodka. No longer a conaisseur (spelling?) of fine wines -- it's just about the drug.

I joined with the idea tapering and going thru withdrawal right away. Not a good idea. Currently trying to build up my health (vits, supps, nutrition), and trying to taper -- tho' that's not going well. planning withdrawal for laste July. not sure if I'll succeed -- never have!! not for more than 2-3 weeks.

Anyway, keep posting. It's going to be hard, especially in your social and cultural situation where everyone drinks. Keep posting - people are nice here. feel for you. Puddy

**Marshy** · June 25, 2009, 11:32 AM

Trying to find something to believe in

Hi wasted (no more),

I can't tell you the number of times I couldn't make it past one, two or three days AF, let alone five. Five days is a big achievement! I still remember my first Friday night without drinking, the first week etc. These things are all milestones we should be proud of, not embarrassed when we can't keep the momentum going that time. Keep trying and it might work next time, or the time after that, or the time after that...

I agree with the others that it's only going to get worse. I drank wine and beer, but after so many years they were beginning to lose the "kick" I wanted, and I'd started thinking about vodka as a next step. That was when I reached a crossroads and had to choose my future path.

I wonder if you've seen the toolbox thread while you've been reading? It's a sticky at the top of the monthly abs section and there are lots of practical ideas about how to formulate a plan of action, how to change your habits etc.

Making changes IS scary, but it can be done and you CAN make the improvements you want to. Good luck!

**Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)** · June 25, 2009, 11:42 AM

Trying to find something to believe in

I tried using this site to quit drinking last year. I was chased away by a rather offputting post by someone and my embarrassment that I had failed again after 5 days AF. I have continued to read the posts during the last year, just refused to post out of shame and a feeling that if you were not one of the successful ones that you can't fit in anywhere.

Its awful that because of somebodies uncaring comments you havent posted for a year now. You should not have been made to feel that way. Please dont think you cant fit in here, you can and do. There are people at various stages on their own personal journey here. I hope you can put a plan in place that will help you to ease up on the drinking. Blackouts are a sign of it getting worse and it will probably continue to unless you take some action. Keep posting, you will get non-judgemental advice and help here.
Keep safe
KTAB

**42cat** · June 25, 2009, 02:46 PM

Trying to find something to believe in

Hi there. Nice to meet you. And welcome back to posting! Please keep on posting anytime you want to, about anything that's on your mind.

I recently tapered off of, and quit, drinking rum and vodka ... a fifth, 750 ml, per day, morning to night). I switched to beer part-way through tapering, and still have a couple here and there, but have remained completely sober, and not allowing a beer, if I do want one, until after 9:00 p.m. (and I go to bed at 10:00). Being strict and creating a new daily / nightly routine has really helped me .. maybe doing some new things will help you too, or doing old things but at different times.

Have you tried any of the popular supplements? I found L-glutamine to be amazing when it came to craving a drink, and I'm taking Milk Thistle which is supposed to be awesome for liver support and healing. Multi-vitamins, B-vitamins, Vitamin C are all helpful, too. I'm also taking St. John's Wort for nerves/anxiety (seems to be making a difference) and drinking chamomile tea with a squirt of lemon (excellent for its calming/relaxing properties). I'm sure I've forgotten some. Anyway, just thought I'd throw those out there if you haven't already tried them.

Have you spoken to your doctor about your concerns, or considered meds? I haven't tried any myself, but there are some good ones and I've seen lots of terrific progress reports posted. You can also order online .. someone recently posted about trusted med websites. Might be worth a thought - Think of all the "side effects" that alcohol brings to us, and to our families. It's a long list of everything bad. There are so many cool meds these days. I'm keeping them in mind, too ... just knowing they're available kinda helps.

Please keep posting - looking forward to seeing you on the boards.

P.s... Hang in there. You're here - that means you care and want to make a change. First step: Done! Next step: Trying some of the strategies and ideas that have worked for others .. and if they don't work for you, try some more. You'll get there!

**wastedtime** · June 25, 2009, 03:42 PM

Trying to find something to believe in

Thank you to everyone who posted. You've given me a lot to think about. Whenever I think about quitting I start taking all the supps that were recommended on the site - All One powder, L-Glut, Calms Forte, B50 complex, milk thistle, kudzu root, Evening Primrose....but the only one I always take is the All One powder. I love that stuff and have been using it for over a year now.

Today I'm not drinking. That's where I am right now. I can't think past today. I'm very glad to have read all the warnings in the responses above that blackouts are a sign that this is getting very bad and out of control. I had been trying to convince myself that it is just some odd metabolic reason that I can't process the AL this week as well as I could in the past, but from the posts I'm seeing that this is really a sign that things are so so bad and getting worse. I needed that reminder. It's kind of crazy that it wasn't immediately obvious to me before reading on the site. I even pumped myself up this morning saying that I don't HAVE to drink for 8 more weeks when football season starts. How crazy is that?

I'll keep reading and posting - and this time even when I slip up or tumble off and then under the wagon. It's nice knowing that there are people out there who have been down this road or are going down it now. I need positive influences in my life. Thanks for being there.

**Popeye** · June 25, 2009, 04:03 PM

Trying to find something to believe in

Hi wastedtime,Welcome back.
I have to agree with KTAB.
It's a shame that an I'll judged comment made you feel so bad. There are many here who success comprises of getting from one day to the next with their pride and self-worth intact and I count myself among them.
I'm gald that you're here.

**Starlight Impress Forever** · June 25, 2009, 05:28 PM

Trying to find something to believe in

wasted,
let`s not forget that before one can taste `success`, one has to fail. Each and every member of this site who has successfully quit drinking, well.........they were all failures initially.........take it from one who knows..........I was a huge failure.........huge.

Feeling ashamed is something we have all experienced.........it goes with the `alkie` territory........society conditions us to feel that way, after all, most `normal` people could never ever begin to comprehend how one can possibly be utterly desperate for a drink. The bottom line is........there is no shame in admitting that drink has become a problem in your life........rather than waste time and energy on shame, give yourself a huge pat on the back for seeking help.

Look inside yourself, because somewhere deep down inside your own self lies your success. Please believe in the power of YOU.........the answers you seek lie within yourself. It may well feel like trying to get blood from a stone, but every single person here is capable of overcoming their addiction to alcohol.

I am glad you have found the courage to post again. We are all equal here, regardless of length of `service`/sobriety. You are no failure.......you`re just yet another success waiting to happen. :l

Star x

**cacky** · June 25, 2009, 05:45 PM

Trying to find something to believe in

Wasted, I hope you dont ever let anyone stop you from participating in this great program. I think someone said it earlier we are all at different stages and unfortunately "some people are sicker than others" we all have problems and depending on the day and time..we may say something that is upseting to you. i hope you can get by it and stick with us. we want to watch you succeed and help you through and stumbles through this program. A big Welcome Back!!!

**tiptronic_ct** · June 26, 2009, 02:04 AM

Trying to find something to believe in

Wasted, couldn't agree more with what Cacky is saying.

Welcome back and hang in there!!!

Tip

**Tulipe** · June 26, 2009, 02:29 AM

Trying to find something to believe in

Hi Wasted,
Glad to have you here. It is really wrong that someone's post put you off because there are lots of us who slip up, get back, slip again, try again, and a lot make real progress which is really the goal. And you didn't fail after 5 days AF - you succeeded in going 5 days AF! Think of it that way.

Ah the plastic go-cup - I have a friend who takes her mommy juice to t-ball games, the supermarket, school, wherever. It is a crutch, but such a bad habit to get into. But you sound resolved.

How is it going to be if DH drinks at home every night? Do you feel comfortable seeing a doctor to get some real meds? Honey if you're drinking a lot of wine every day you might have some withdrawals - if you read the withdrawal thread you might get some good information - and some meds can really help.

A doctor might also request some bloodwork - which is a good wake-up call and also a good idea. My bloodwork is scheduled for Monday, and boy is that a good motive to keep me AF between now and then. After that, I'll need another flag to carry, I guess.

Meanwhile, in addition to the supplements, have you ever tried drinking water with fresh lemon juice? Everyone here told me it's really good for cleaning the liver. It also has become a fresh sour taste that I have grown to love. I think I should buy a lemon farm now, I'm juicing so many.

Feel free to PM if you wish and good luck to you,
Tulipe

**Lavande** · June 26, 2009, 07:08 AM

Trying to find something to believe in

Welcome back Wasted Time,

Good for you, the decision to come back here is a good one!

You know what it takes to be successful, just take it one day at a time. Use your past experience to your advantage this time. It is critical to know your triggers, do what you have to do to be sure they don't get in the way this time. If it means blowing off certain people or situations, then just do it!!
I went so far as having my ever loving husband of 35 years move out for 2 months. He was THE trigger for me and he knew it! I badly needed that time alone to get myself sorted, I will never regret it.

Notice my quit date, it's 3 months today and I don't even think about it anymore

I've also quit smoking in the meantime and I'm feeling like a brand new person.
You can do it too. Just set your mind to it and don't let anyone or anything interfere.

Wishing you the best!!

**OverIt2007** · June 26, 2009, 08:33 AM

Trying to find something to believe in

Hi Wasted,

Im sorry you had a bad experience before with MWO, but as you see from your many posts, everyone here is saying "Welcome" and please stay NO MATTER what level you are at.

Sometimes it is kinda hard to see all the others success on here, when you are floundering. But now I see it more as happiness for others, and hoping that my own happiness will come in time. If I try.

I pretty much fail every week at meeting my AF goals, but I still come here almost everyday, and it helps!

Im glad your here, and please stick around so we can all help one another. :l

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