I call myself watersprite because I am :new: hoping to drink only water and diet sprite. I am going to pretend it's champagne, with which I was baptised at the tender age of 8 months.
I grew up with a family full of interesting, dynamic, witty and fun-loving people who celebrated life on the porch of our summer cottage by popping open champagne, made from the grapes of the vineyards that lined the hills above the lake. It was idyllic and wonderful, not sloppy and painful. My parents were not alcoholics--they drank socially and moderately. Some relatives drank a bit more, and there were a couple of alcoholics distantly related, but they weren't around much. When the adults drank champagne or had cocktails with friends it was an elegant ritual, not a drunken brawl. I associated drinking with cocktail parties, witty banter, Cole Porter and jazz. Nothing dirty or polluted. Delightful, delicious and delovely.
My parents didn't wanted us to think of alcohol as forbidden, so we wouldn't fixate on booze and go overboard later in college, and they allowed us to have a glass of champagne from time to time at Christmas and birthdays.
However, after college, and as I began working and became somewhat of a workaholic, I rewarded myself with champagne, and later anything with alcohol, more recently gin (martinis) and dark rum, (with tonic and lime), symbolized celebrating, having fun, living the good life.
Naturally, everything became an excuse to celebrate with alcohol, big things and then little ones, such as finishing a day of work. Then booze became liquid aspirin, dulling the pain and fear of everyday life disappointments. I took setbacks and failure very hard and when I felt powerless, instead of trying to find a solution, or a constructive way out, I drank.
It's been 20 years of daily drinking, daily hangovers. I was still highly productive but in the last year and a half it got out of control, when a place that was my life's dream, embodying all of my highest ideals, went up in smoke forever, and my job with it. The fact that it dissolved had nothing to do with me, but it hurt so much anyway because I loved it.
Because of my husband's success and his compassion, he told me I didn't have to work. This was a blessing and a curse as I was devastated and paralysed with confusion about what I should do with my life, and felt completely stuck. I had no direction, no purpose and began drinking wine at 4:00 in the afternoon to dull the sadness, anxiety and fill the void. Then I'd have more after dinner, either wine, or gin and club soda or some other horrible tasting poison. Since I couldn't stay asleep for more than a few hours, I would have another drink at 3:00 am with a unisom, and then later a lunesta. Then I would wake up with a horrible headache, no energy, really physically ill and craving more alcohol.
I am an athlete, play competitive tennis and work out every day, so this helps me from becoming a total physical wreck, but it gets harder every day. I also have always watched my diet, eat no sugar, potatoes, wheat, anything white, basically. Now, I am writing as a freelance journalist part-time and am getting back my sense of purpose, but I still have been drinking way more than I should--4-5 drinks a day, sometimes wine, sometimes hard booze with club soda, on Fridays martinis. Yetch.
I am very lucky that my body has punished me more. I love my husband who is a model of moderation, and drinks one martini on Friday night, and one on Saturday night. He deserves a clean and sober wife. He doesn't even know how much I've been drinking, but he's appalled by what he thinks he knows, and keeps telling me to cut down--and not to drink during the week. He's so right, and a few years ago, I think I could have done that, but now the cravings are so terrible. Vicious headaches, fatigue, lethargy, self-loathing and total bewilderment. Why haven't I been able to stop? Best I've done is quit for a few weeks at a time.
I know alcohol is poison and I have been poisoning myself to make pain and anguish go away, and in the process destroying my body and mind. It makes no sense at all to work so hard to become something, contribute something, make a difference and throw all that effort away in the most painful, humiliating, self-destructive way.
Two nights ago I read the " My Way Out" book, started the Kudzu yesterday, L Glutamine, Vitamin B 3, Magnesium and all of the other vitamins and minerals. My head ached so bad yesterday. We went out to dinner as we do every Friday, and I had one martini and one glass of wine. Two drinks--not abstinence, but I feel much better than I have in months. I will order the cds and try to find a doctor for the Topamax, although I am afraid it would impair my brain and I wouldn't be able to function. Has anyone tried
the nootropic agents? Why can you only take them for a short time? I wonder why they by themselves wouldn't stop the craving, or help unfog the brain from alcohol.
Roberta James description of being in a "dim-witted cognitive fog" scares me, because it sounds worse than being hungover, but I don't understand why you can't take the "smart pills" she describes--since from what I know Topamax impairs your mind the entire time you take it--my father has to take it for chronic migraines, and it has very much adversely affected his cognitive abilities.
I am aiming for total abstinence. Maybe I can do it without topamax. Anybody tried anything else?
I grew up with a family full of interesting, dynamic, witty and fun-loving people who celebrated life on the porch of our summer cottage by popping open champagne, made from the grapes of the vineyards that lined the hills above the lake. It was idyllic and wonderful, not sloppy and painful. My parents were not alcoholics--they drank socially and moderately. Some relatives drank a bit more, and there were a couple of alcoholics distantly related, but they weren't around much. When the adults drank champagne or had cocktails with friends it was an elegant ritual, not a drunken brawl. I associated drinking with cocktail parties, witty banter, Cole Porter and jazz. Nothing dirty or polluted. Delightful, delicious and delovely.
My parents didn't wanted us to think of alcohol as forbidden, so we wouldn't fixate on booze and go overboard later in college, and they allowed us to have a glass of champagne from time to time at Christmas and birthdays.
However, after college, and as I began working and became somewhat of a workaholic, I rewarded myself with champagne, and later anything with alcohol, more recently gin (martinis) and dark rum, (with tonic and lime), symbolized celebrating, having fun, living the good life.
Naturally, everything became an excuse to celebrate with alcohol, big things and then little ones, such as finishing a day of work. Then booze became liquid aspirin, dulling the pain and fear of everyday life disappointments. I took setbacks and failure very hard and when I felt powerless, instead of trying to find a solution, or a constructive way out, I drank.
It's been 20 years of daily drinking, daily hangovers. I was still highly productive but in the last year and a half it got out of control, when a place that was my life's dream, embodying all of my highest ideals, went up in smoke forever, and my job with it. The fact that it dissolved had nothing to do with me, but it hurt so much anyway because I loved it.
Because of my husband's success and his compassion, he told me I didn't have to work. This was a blessing and a curse as I was devastated and paralysed with confusion about what I should do with my life, and felt completely stuck. I had no direction, no purpose and began drinking wine at 4:00 in the afternoon to dull the sadness, anxiety and fill the void. Then I'd have more after dinner, either wine, or gin and club soda or some other horrible tasting poison. Since I couldn't stay asleep for more than a few hours, I would have another drink at 3:00 am with a unisom, and then later a lunesta. Then I would wake up with a horrible headache, no energy, really physically ill and craving more alcohol.
I am an athlete, play competitive tennis and work out every day, so this helps me from becoming a total physical wreck, but it gets harder every day. I also have always watched my diet, eat no sugar, potatoes, wheat, anything white, basically. Now, I am writing as a freelance journalist part-time and am getting back my sense of purpose, but I still have been drinking way more than I should--4-5 drinks a day, sometimes wine, sometimes hard booze with club soda, on Fridays martinis. Yetch.
I am very lucky that my body has punished me more. I love my husband who is a model of moderation, and drinks one martini on Friday night, and one on Saturday night. He deserves a clean and sober wife. He doesn't even know how much I've been drinking, but he's appalled by what he thinks he knows, and keeps telling me to cut down--and not to drink during the week. He's so right, and a few years ago, I think I could have done that, but now the cravings are so terrible. Vicious headaches, fatigue, lethargy, self-loathing and total bewilderment. Why haven't I been able to stop? Best I've done is quit for a few weeks at a time.
I know alcohol is poison and I have been poisoning myself to make pain and anguish go away, and in the process destroying my body and mind. It makes no sense at all to work so hard to become something, contribute something, make a difference and throw all that effort away in the most painful, humiliating, self-destructive way.
Two nights ago I read the " My Way Out" book, started the Kudzu yesterday, L Glutamine, Vitamin B 3, Magnesium and all of the other vitamins and minerals. My head ached so bad yesterday. We went out to dinner as we do every Friday, and I had one martini and one glass of wine. Two drinks--not abstinence, but I feel much better than I have in months. I will order the cds and try to find a doctor for the Topamax, although I am afraid it would impair my brain and I wouldn't be able to function. Has anyone tried
the nootropic agents? Why can you only take them for a short time? I wonder why they by themselves wouldn't stop the craving, or help unfog the brain from alcohol.
Roberta James description of being in a "dim-witted cognitive fog" scares me, because it sounds worse than being hungover, but I don't understand why you can't take the "smart pills" she describes--since from what I know Topamax impairs your mind the entire time you take it--my father has to take it for chronic migraines, and it has very much adversely affected his cognitive abilities.
I am aiming for total abstinence. Maybe I can do it without topamax. Anybody tried anything else?
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