Now for my story

[pokey]

How long can you make excuses? How long can you cover up what permeates your daydreams, decides your route home from work, controls your every thought. How long can you hide from everyone what they already know? And let’s face it … you really aren’t doing that good of a job.

This is my story. I grew up in a small town that was dry, and never knew anyone who drank. It wasn’t until I was about 20 and moved to the big city that I was faced with booze. Actually not booze … because I couldn’t stand the smell of liquor … but beer. I got married and my husband was a drinker and I was just SO DISGUSTED! How could he drink beer after beer after beer? Was he really that thirsty? I used to ask him … “If it was Pepsi, would you drink 12 of them?”

Oh, how smug I was. It embarrasses me now to think of those days. We eventually divorced, I met someone else and then it started. I had a beer. Hmm … not bad. And so I had another. And another. And then I was buying it and keeping it in my own fridge; the very thing I swore I would never do.

Fast forward to a few years ago where (overnight, it seemed) I was drinking every day. I had no power over my own self. And I just don’t know how it happened.

I denied for years that I had a problem, while the whole time it was growing and growing until finally it was bigger than I was.

So in late March of this year, I decided I had had enough. I found this website and read everything I could. Friday, March 24, my husband and I went to dinner and I tried to talk to him. I told him that I was worried about how much I drank, and was going to try and cut down. He was confused but told me to do whatever I needed to do. Whew! What a relief. The next day I had a bad accident.

EDITED TO REMOVE DETAILS OF THE ACCIDENT ... LET'S JUST SAY IT WASN'T A GOOD TIME.

After getting home from the hospital, I suddenly realized … holy smoke, it’s been like 3 days since I had anything to drink! Fortunately we have laptops and wireless internet, so I was able to get on the site … posted my story (thru a pain-pill fog) and then started a month of self-imposed sobriety. All was good.

Well, I hate smugness. There’s nothing more annoying than someone who thinks they know all the answers just because they’ve had a few days of success with something. It’s not until you’ve had a few YEARS of success that you can comfortably resume the confidence (cockiness?) of a reformed addict. A month of being sober does NOT make you an expert on the subject.

I got well, and I got back in the car, and I went to the store. And yep, I resumed my former life and THEN some. Now it has been three months and I am as bad (maybe worse?) as I was before. And I am so tired of it. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of smelling like beer. I’m tired of spending the money on beer. I’m even tired of not even being able to get a good buzz, because it takes more and more and MORE to get it!

So I’m back. Humbled, broken, wanting to change but afraid of breaking the habit because it’s MY habit and truthfully, I’m just as addicted to the routine as I am the beer.

I know I need help and this time, I’m going to get it. I can’t do it myself, and so I’m going to the doctor next week and will try to drum up enough courage to ask for the Topa. If I can’t get it, I’ll just go to Plan B. Problem is, I just don’t know what Plan B is right now.

[bill redmond]

Now for my story

I hear what you are saying I am a BEER lover myself,used to hate the smell of it when my father drank it when I was small, swore I would never drink.But I did start and I have for the last 30 yearsand it has got more and more,I love it and I hate it. I knew I needed to stop when a ,used to be 6 or 8 a night then 8 or 10 then 10 to 12 you know the way it goes,I wank home from work and I started to buy beer when I got off [tin beer] to drink on the walk. that was pretty lame,I got the nerve up to see doc and got the meds and bought most of the supplements did not get tapes, going in to week two and feeling good, here for you if you need to chat,blessings

[pokey]

Now for my story

And yes, Bill Redmond, I know what you mean. I have drank hot beer that I hid from everyone else and got out when they weren't looking. I have sold things and used the money for beer. I have recently started buying gasoline every day on the pretense of "you never know when the price is going to go down, so I shouldn't buy much!" and while I'm there, I buy beer.

I just hope my doctor is open to the suggestion.

[MKR]

Now for my story

Oh, Pokey, We started about the same day! I missed you. Glad to see you back! Welcome back! Howare your ankle and foot doing these days?

I found the CD's absolutely helpful with the NOT stopping at the store! I have also found I don't want my favorite - RUM- around for the moment. (You know you can hide rum pretty easily too!) I am doing mods and so I don't want the temptation. Last time I had a rum and coke at a friends house, I had lost a taste for it but feel vulnerable enough to not want to test myself out right now. I went through a period about 6 - 8 weeks into this of not showing up here and going on a binge here and there. I felt a lot of it had to do with the issues and triggers of drinking. those CDs and an exercise program have helped me get past my triggers by keeping me calmer. It is probably something I will always have to be aware of but I feel I have broken the habit . . . for the moment,

I wish you the best Pokey and Bill - YOU too!

Hugs,
Mary

[MKR]

Now for my story

thought I had lost my message so started a new one and voila there it was!

[pokey]

Now for my story

Thanks so much, Mary! The ankle is slow to heal ... still doesn't move much, and I have no feeling in the bottom of that foot. The doctor said it could be a year before I'm back to normal so I'm just taking it a step at a time. I went back to work PT in mid-May and FT around the first of June. It's such a big pain, but I realize how much worse it could have been! It could have been my HEAD!

[jools1961]

Now for my story

Hi Kathy,

I dropped out around the time you broke your foot and yes i did the same thing, went well, then didnt, now I am back! I have started topa and I am in week 4/5 and feeling much better. It is definitely helping with breaking some habits and maybe it can help you too. I am a wine lover the finer the better so that stops me drinking copious quantities - cannot tolerate the boxed stuff or mass produced - (does it really matter?) but in my head it helps somehow ?????

However I understand the thinking process and boy that is a tough one. I spoke to my doc on thursday and he explained how the topa works. Evidently the topa "dampens" the pleasure centres in the frontal lobes and decreases the cravings. I have found that my appetite has decreased as well which is a good thing because I am also overweight. He treats many with alcohol related issues and had never used topa before so he is impressed with the progress so far. He is also going to visit this site I think to see what it is all about. "Knowledge is Power" for all of us! Keep going Kathy, I was scared to ask him too but he was very open minded, and a nice man at that!

You can only go forward from here, even with a limp!!! Love and Hugs, Jools xxxxx

[mw451]

Now for my story

Pokey,

I'm new here myself, just found this site the other day, but am so Thankful that I did.

I always thought my wife and my problems were relationship issues, but it isn't, it's alcohol, BEER.

I never hid beers like you said, I just stayed up late and nobody knew, not even me, I was to trashed to know. My wife does do what you said, buries empties in the garbage or at the bottom of the recycle bin, or throws them into the bottom of the large trash can outside. Wow! Reading what you wrote really hit a nerve with me, not on my part, but wife's part, I didn't think she was as bad as I am.

I never really drank much until I met my wife, except for in high school ant keg parties and stuff, the normal urban life I guess for teenagers. Then I met her, and all our dates involved drinking, and it was all down hill from there.

I understand your struggle, being able to do better, and then backsliding. But Keep the Faith. You did better once, you can do that again, and more... much more.

Don't beat yourself up, that will do no good but make you feel worse and want another drink to ease the pain. Be PROUD!!! You are here, you are working on YOU!!! That is what matters, You are trying, you are going to do better each week, set goals, keep busy, sure, stop and have a taste or sip every now and then, but then do some more "busy" work. You can do this. If I can, you can.

I wish you the best, and hope you can stay on the road to recovery, which we all seek...

mw

[watersprite]

Now for my story

Abstinence is probably better the second time around--should be a song

Hi Pokey,

You should be congratulated for having been abstinent for a month--and you didn't even have any tools. I sure hope you get the topamax. I was afraid of taking it and haven't seen my doctor yet, but Mikeupnorth says that it can take away cravings even at the low dose. If you already had the strength to quit booze alone, I am sure you can do it now with all of the encouragement you will get. Especially when you think how monotonous and boring it is to have one's daily routine reduced to buying it on the way home, and then not having the strength or will to do anything else. I am sorry about your foot, and I hope it is healing fast.

I just joined this thing yesterday, and don't have the cds yet, but I went to the health store and bought the supplements and I feel a million times better than I did yesterday or the day before. Like a new person, although I am not totally abstinent yet--had two drinks yesterday. I want to be abstinent though, so I look forward to seeing your posts and getting encouragement from your progress, and I hope you'll get encouragement from mine.

[losethebooze]

Now for my story

Glad to see new people like me

Hi all that have posted in the last 24 hours. I constantly struggle with the impulse to "go a diffrent way home
to get someone who doesn't know my rhythms but I am forcing myself to take the same ways home so I can get there without disaster.I am outside my element right now with the county fair (have you ever seen a deep firied OREO?) And I am really thinking about what is going into my mouth. I need to keep the wieght off AND I gave box seats to Wilie Nelson to one of the girls who works for me. Hopefully she will have a good time. As for me, I wanted to get the heck out! Talk soon! No beer, in me by the way.

[AMELIA]

Now for my story

Hi Pokey

I know how painful it is to be in the situation you describe. I'm only just starting out again after about six months back on the booze big time. When I did have my time on the wagon it was only 13 days, but hey, I tell myself if I can do 13 days I know I have been able to be sober before. I really enjoyed those 13 days. I felt free, alive , sparkly and my eyes were bright and not bloodshot. I used topamax and it seemed to work, I just stopped taking it after 12 days? So this time I have got more support (a counsellor and this site!). Plus since that period of 13 days I have noticed my drinking and its results become more disastrous and destructive. I am only now on day two, so one day at a time.
As far as the topamax goes, I went to my doctor a shaking horrible mess about a year ago with the book and with articles from the internet and he refused outright to give it to me. It is not so recognised over here in the United Kingdom. As you can imagine, I left his office feeling like I had run into a brick wall...
I did manage to find it on the internet however, the downside being that I dont have a doctor to following my progress physically. I do believe the benefits are worth it though so if for some reason your doc won't give it to you, do perservere.
Best of luck and talk soon.
Joanne Amelia