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I've been here since 2007. No, wait, that's just with this name. I was here before that under another name that I don't remember. I never posted back then except for a post sharing my "story". I think I talked about "where did the time go" with regard to my kids growing up, things I have missed, etc. I'm actually recently new to posting. It took me this long! (Don't let it take you this long .. lol)
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Back then, I couldn't understand how people could just give up drinking. HOW ARE THEY DOING THIS? ..... I felt "different" because I couldn't do it; I didn't want to do it...... But, really, I must have wanted it - otherwise, why was I on this site? Why did I seek it out? I don't even remember how I found it.
I couldn't relate to many of the posts .... "I'm 3 days AF" ... "I'm one week" ... "30 days" ... "One year!".............. Heck, I didn't know how to get to sleep without drinks, let alone go days in a row. What would I do with myself? How can these people possibly be happy? Jeez, life must be so boring and lonely for them.
But, at the same time, I sooooo ached to be like the people in those posts. I knew many of them were still struggling, but to have the strength to "try" to be AF ... wow, that amazed me. ...... To have the courage to let go...... I read those posts - all of them - but I couldn't get over the hump of being afraid to try. I couldn't get the motivation. I didn't want it "enough".
I wondered: What does it take to suddenly have an overwhelming desire to give up alcohol and change your life? What happened to these people, that they feel this way now after drinking for so long? Is it some big life-changing happening that turns your mind around all of a sudden? .... I waited for it. Waited, waited, waited. Longed for it. Prayed for it................ Nothing.
Then one day, "my" thing happened ... Not sure why, or how. Maybe I'd read enough, maybe something someone said started a thought process in my mind, maybe I related to someone or something ... Maybe it was just a convergence of thoughts, ideas and lots of googling, hunting for my "thing", for what would work for me.
Something happened. After all of my reading .. my hunting... something happened to me. I really WANTED it. I wanted sobriety. I wanted to be normal. I wanted OUT. I wanted to live. I was more afraid of drinking my life away than of giving it up. It's like I was teetering, both sides balanced almost equally, but then suddenly one side got stronger ...... I realized how much I totally hated alcohol and what it was doing to me. It was hurting me in so many ways. I wanted to be happy and clear and normal and healthy. I wanted my life. A real life.
I'm new to sobriety and still really excited about how it feels. To anyone who's trying to figure out how to get out of this hole: .. DON'T STOP SEARCHING. Your answer is out there. Keep reading. Keep learning. Keep wanting. Keep trying.
Something, at some point, will click for you.
Thanks for listening.
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