My Plan of Action

[feathersnfur]

Hello

I hope everyone is doing well today and is happy.

I don't mean people to be impressed by what I am writing - I spent some time since last week when I joined, trying to come up with my plan of action and I just thought that if I actually posted it here, not only can I keep referring back to it if I get weak or fall off, but also I will be embarrassed that I have announced it today with a great fanfare only to come unstuck.

I joined last week, had a bad experience with a really old fashioned doctor, so realised that I had to do it myself, but he succeeded in putting the fear of God into me about going cold turkey. He wouldn't give me drugs unless I brought my husband in to discuss my alcoholism with him (yeah right) and won't give me any of the drugs I see listed on here for moderation, so I just thought I will gradually cut down, bit by bit. The only bit of common sense he spoke was to say that if I have been drinking at this level for 8 years, another 8 days won't hurt me.

Anyway that was Thursday. Saturday to last night I was away on a long weekend break with my husband, and this coming Friday is my wedding anniversary and there is a party planned. Both occasions would cause immense curiosity about any great reduction in consumption and I just am so embarrassed and so anxious to keep my privacy that I don't see how I could cope with it. Plus, because there will be a good bit of alcohol flowing at both occasions, I just was afraid that coming so soon into my attempt, I might just fall at the first hurdle and I'd rather not fail so quickly. Especially with my wedding anniversary on Friday, because I'm going to be at the centre of attention.

At the risk of being accused of procrastination (I honestly am not) I just decided that I will spend the next week in cutting down really gradually, timing it so that I can still have one bottle on Friday (a big reduction from the 2 I have been drinking). I've got myself supplied, with some litre cartons, some bottles, and some of those little bottles so I can really do it by degrees. That way I figure I won't be scared of having a seizure, I will still be cutting down, but it covers those two big occasions that would have been so dangerous for me.

I've got all my supplements lined up ready, and will be spending the time reading and generally psyching myself up for the big event, ie my first alcohol free day, which I am planning to be next Tuesday, ie one week from today.

I am actually really excited about starting it, and believe it or not really resentful that I am not starting it today, because tonight, for the first time in 8 years, I am really drinking for the sake of it. Actually, out of fear that I might have a seizure if I don't.

I do hear what people say to me, and I am so grateful, about how they were drinking as much as me and they were ok when they just stopped, but I am just scared. I have a bottle of shiraz opened, and I am not actually enjoying it, which is a miracle and I just presume I am talking myself into the zone. I am sure I won't be feeling so clever and positive in a week's time, and I am very scared about what faces me. I do hope this doesn't come across as arrogant, because I really don't mean it to. I am really scared, and hope I might be able to stick to it.

Feathers

[Guest]

My Plan of Action

Good on you. Regards seizures, yes they can happen but everyone is different. Think I wrote in another thread today that I used to use the fear of withdrawal as an excuse to carry on drinking. However, if you have your husband there he will be able to get you help if you do need it.

As posted earlier one thing I did since I live alone was firstly arrange a Dr's appointment for the day that would be 12 hours after my final drink, as a back up.

Regards your event, I'm sure if you have been drinking excessively then they might actually see a change for the better in you for drinking less. They'd probably be more grateful to know you are cutting down rather than have you reallly drunk!

[feathersnfur]

My Plan of Action

Hi UKBlonde

Thank you for answering me. I think the one good thing about the doctor's appointment was that he really scared me. That opened up a whole can of worms, like Dexter's post today about being terrified that he is going to succombe to some life threatening disease the moment he gives up. I am certainly scared, and not only did I not return to that doctor today like I should have done, I also did not turn up at the pathology dept last Friday to get all my bloods done. Too scared by half.

I am sure you are right, that my family would see a change for the better if I weren't drinking on Friday. The trouble is that they don't know how worried I am, nor how much I am secretly drinking _after_ the party... so I just have to look like everything is normal. You see, my family won't be supportive - they may think they are, but their idea of that is that they will laugh, mock, and tell me how ashamed of me they are. They will drag up every single one of my drunken moments from the last eight years, and force me to confront each one. I can't face that, I'm too fragile, I need to do this on my own, in private you see.

Feathers

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

My Plan of Action

Hello Feathers and welcome. I dont think you come across as being arrogant or trying to impress people as you put it. You sound to me like somebody who has taken a very brave step and is trying to formulate a plan that will work. Every step big or small that you are taking in the right direction is another step along the road to your sobriety. Please dont be scared there are so many people here that will offer you their hand. I wish you well.
Keep safe
KTAB

[jessie]

My Plan of Action

Welcome Feather,
No being embarrassed here if you become unstuck - just get back on the wagon.
This site is a heaven sent - catering for all types of alcoholics - and I've realized that we are all the same in regards to our addiction but all different as well. For me it will be down right dangerous to drink straight 8 days in a row - I become very anxious and depressed. The remorse is terrible.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[feathersnfur]

My Plan of Action

Thank you for your kind replies. I am so scared, and maybe for me that's good. I am going to bed now, after drinking one whole bottle of wine. Usually it's about 2. It's such a temptation to go and steal another one off the rack while my husband is outside having a smoke. But I won't. I am going to bed.

Night night all

x

[42cat]

My Plan of Action

Hi, Feather. I was drinking (in secret) a fifth of hard alcohol every day. Like you, I was afraid to just quit because of withdrawals, etc. So, I tapered down ... sort of like you're doing now. I took a drink "as needed" to keep the shakes at bay. I actually posted a thread about it. If you think it might help you along, it's here:
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...ggy-34156.html

Also, like you, I haven't told my family (including my husband) the amount I drank. They saw me have my usual couple of drinks in the evening. But I'm alone most of the day and drank beginning in the morning, and at work. Never drunk, but never sober. Always happy. "Functioning", I suppose.

One thing that I (and a lot of us, I think) find difficult to deal with .. besides the shakes, feeling sick, etc... is the extreme anxiety and insomnia that happens when we quit. I found it helpful to keep reminding myself that it was the alcohol leaving me that was causing these feelings and that once my body and mind got to be more soberly "normal", I would see the real me .. and deal with it from there if and how I need to, without ALcohol. For me, the anxiety completely left and I'm sleeping well.

Once you get over the hump .. from intoxicated to detoxified .. life takes on a whole new feeling - One I haven't felt for years. There is still work to be done for sure, but I feel so much more motivated or in control, or hopeful, or any number of happy words!

You're on your way!

p.s.... I meant to also say .. that while I haven't told my family how much I drank, I HAVE told them that I'm cutting out my usual drinks (I did have a few beers last month, and one slip-up one evening) and am starting to walk more, go to the gym, etc., in an effort to get in shape and have a healthy lifestyle. It's the truth for sure, but it sure felt easier to say than "I'm a raging alcoholic - sorry I kept it from you all these years." .... I wish I could 'fess up to them, but what good would it do anyone? I'm just going to get past it and let it go, and get healthy.

[DeeBee]

My Plan of Action

Welcome Feathers.
You've already been given great advice -- I just wanted to add that whether you are tapering off, modding or abstaining... it is always imperative to have a plan.
Plan what and how much you are or aren't going to drink -- plan what you'll tell people if they notice you aren't drinking and you don't wish to confide in them (the ole "I'm on anti-biotics" trick works well) and plan what you are going to spend your time on when you aren't drinking.

All the best for this weekend.

[Guest]

My Plan of Action

feathersnfur;663957 wrote: Hi UKBlonde

Thank you for answering me. I think the one good thing about the doctor's appointment was that he really scared me. That opened up a whole can of worms, like Dexter's post today about being terrified that he is going to succombe to some life threatening disease the moment he gives up. I am certainly scared, and not only did I not return to that doctor today like I should have done, I also did not turn up at the pathology dept last Friday to get all my bloods done. Too scared by half.

I am sure you are right, that my family would see a change for the better if I weren't drinking on Friday. The trouble is that they don't know how worried I am, nor how much I am secretly drinking _after_ the party... so I just have to look like everything is normal. You see, my family won't be supportive - they may think they are, but their idea of that is that they will laugh, mock, and tell me how ashamed of me they are. They will drag up every single one of my drunken moments from the last eight years, and force me to confront each one. I can't face that, I'm too fragile, I need to do this on my own, in private you see.

Feathers

Hang on, something jumped out at me here - it was the fact in the same paragraph you say they haven't a clue "how much" you are/have been drinking but then you say they'll pull you up on your drunken moments. So do they realise?The other thing I would say is that sometimes people's reaction are much different to how we think or 'project' them to be. I avoid confrontation but on the odd occasion I do say something or approach someone I've found they actually feel very differently about whatever it is.

[prancy]

My Plan of Action

Hi Feather. Good wishes for whatever plan you adopt. It is challenging but so worth it. I have 10 AL free days and am beginning to feel like I am coming out of a fog. I have tried quitting before and was not so successful. But one thing I did learn is that most of those who are around you know very well that you drink more than they see you consuming. I have had family members bring up situations, e.g. how wasted you were at Thanksgiving that I didn't even realize that they noticed. Sadly, I think that I assume that if someone doesn't make some comment the next day that they didn't realize how out of it I was. No so, I am finding..... And when I say that I am not drinking, they all sort of go good for you. Except the other alcoholics, of course!

[feathersnfur]

My Plan of Action

Hi and thank you to everyone who is supporting me. I am getting such great advice, and I am so grateful. To UKblonde, to explain the apparent contradiction - they know I drink too much, because for me, just one bottle that I would have while I am out, is way too much. I used to be able to drink that and more, and just be fine...certainly I would have been in good company with other people also drinking a bottle of wine, or well through a bottle of spirits and probably didn't come over as _especially_ drunk. Not more so than three quarters of the room at least, because it was those kinds of occasions that I attended... didn't ever really go out all that much.

Then I began to find that one bottle was affecting me quite badly - after a bottle, I'd not be walking straight on my heels anymore, and fell down a few times in public, or swayed so badly that people had to grab me and help me out. I did nothing about stopping drinking and it got worse because then I would discover later that I had fallen asleep at inappropriate times - someone's dinner table, in a corner at a party, and people would have great trouble rousing me. That's the kind of stuff my family would drag out in all it's embarrassing entirety. What they wouldn't know was I would have already secreted away another bottle at home, and occasionally more, before I even went out. Then when I got home, I would have come round quite a bit, and while my husband switched on the tv (and probably fell asleep in front of it, but not from alcohol) I would head for my office and my secret store and very quickly make it through a large part of that second bottle while I sat in front of my computer turning out (when I look back on it) some remarkably sane words until I would realise it was 3am when I would lock away the bottle and the glass, to retrieve and deal with in the morning before my husband or the children got up. It's that dreadful deceitfulness and secrecy that finally got to me, and the fear of dying too soon. I am just reading and reading everything on here, I trying to take in everyone's comments. I have found a lot of it very confronting and I've had to admit to myself just the awful kind of things I was doing, and how I have let it take over, so it's been quite a journey this last 6 days. Today I am going away by myself for work for 2 days which I have realised will take quite an effort because I am going to be shut away alone in a tiny motel room. Somehow I have to make sure I only buy one bottle today at the supermarket to take back to my room along with my 'take away' meal - thankfully it's many miles from any bottle shop or anywhere else that I could go to at night and there is no room service or restaurant on-site so I am just going to have to try to be really strong and only buy one. Thank you to each of you who has answered me in this thread, I really appreciate what you say. Yes, I am going to plan every inch of the way in advance, and I just hope I will find the strength to stick to the plan. I hope everyone else has had a really good positive day and I hope I can soon be reporting my own AF days, I really do envy you all.

Feathers