Help~ Going crazy

[TakeHeart]

I've been sitting here paralyzed, unsure if I even wanted to post and reveal what a pathetic mess I am. I was supposed to start AF on Friday, then yesterday...now today. It's only 7:40 am on the west coast of the USA and already all I can think about is drinking. I HATE this feeling of not being in control. My mind really doesn't want to drink, so I don't understand why it is so hard just to not do it. I'm SO mad at myself for even wanting to drink. I feel like a crazy woman. One part of me is tring to talk myself into drinking and another is telling me to buck up. I'm arguing with myself!! I feel if I can just get a few days under my belt, it may get easier. It's just I don't know how I'm going to get through this...sorry for rambling...

[Cinders]

Help~ Going crazy

TakeHeart,

First thing, we all know this and have been there done that!! (some of us several times, sigh) but you can do it.

Sometimes the first few days isn't ODAT (one day at a time) but one hour at a time.

Hang in there and please understand, this addiction is powerful. You must ease up on yourself a bit and realize that you should not be mad at yourself for wanting to drink. It is what it is -- addiction.

Let go of the self-loathing. It only leads us to drink more. Oh, and we all have that, too.

Cindi

[42cat]

Help~ Going crazy

Hi there. "Let go of the self loathing" ... good advice from Cinders.

I know exactly how you feel, arguing with yourself. Especially during the last few months of my drinking career, I would say to myself in the morning, "I don't really want this drink. I really really really don't want this drink" .. while at the same time, I would be saying, "It will make you feel better, etc." Going back and forth like a mad woman.

I think most of us here can relate to that out of control feeling. It's just horrible. Something finally clicked for me back in June and I started taking steps to change my life around, bit by bit. Little changes. Maybe you can start with little changes too... I started by tapering down the amount I drank (I drank a quart of hard liquor every day, mostly in secret) and switched to beer to help me. I added some new things along the way - little habit changes .. a new project, getting outside (forcing myself in the beginning), doing things at different times / switching around my usual routine, even just having a cup of tea .... ANYTHING just to feel like I've made even a little change or difference, or at least tried something new.

Eventually, I started to feel like I was gaining control. Maybe doing something like that will work for you .. like right now, what if you forced yourself to go out for a walk? ... or hop in the bath tub .. or something you wouldn't normally do, even for 5-10 minutes?

Once you start to have even a little control, over even the littlest of things, it really does get easier to build on it. It's getting started that sometimes is the hardest part. Think of the type of life you want - write it out or e-mail it to yourself (what's what I do) .. and make a plan to get there .. starting with little changes.

You can do this.

[TakeHeart]

Help~ Going crazy

Thanks so much for the good advice. I think I'll take a journal down to the park. One hour at a time.....

[Winefree]

Help~ Going crazy

TakeHeart, it is the addiciton that is all part of the insanity that is driving you/all of us.
We have to fight back. Changes, bit by bit, excellent.
I used to drive to work stating I will not drink tonight and be totally convinced that was going to happen, until I stopped at the liquor store on my way home and picked up the bottle of wine anyway and repeat the same thing day after day.

If you haven't read MWO, do so. Get the supps for the cravings, L-Glut, Gaba, Calms Forte for the anxiety, Kudzo. They do help to break the habitual habit. It is not easy in the beginning, but one minute at a time will get you through. Post here, call a friend if you can, change a thought, anything except drink when those cravings come. They eventually do pass.

You might want to consider AA. I was NEVER going to go there, but now find it part of my life line. You meet people who totally understand what you are going through, just like here. They are supportive and genuine. You will get phone numbers to call during good times and bad and they will never judge or belittle you. Think about it. What can you lose(maybe the desire to drink and how good will that be)?

Good luck. You can do it if I could. It takes determination. You will feel better than you ever felt before. It is SOOOOOOO worth it.

Winefree

[Liath]

Help~ Going crazy

Take Heart-

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Most of us have that voice in their head that justifies the next drink, NEEDS the next drink. Two things that have helped ease the struggle for me.. First, the more I drink the more I want to drink. If I binge, I feel like crap the next day and that voice tells me that only a drink will make me feel better. If I am alcohol free or drink moderately then I don't NEED a drink the next day, I just want one. Its a more manageable situation.

Secondly, I limit my access to alcohol. If I buy it, I don't buy enough to get wasted. I am also avoiding people and places that would normally trigger a binge untill I AM STRONG enough to resist.

OK, a third thing. Exercise, eat right, take supplements for vitamins and minerals that are depleted from alcohol abuse such as B vit, magnesium, etc. The My Way Out book is a great place to start for more on this subject.

Take care. It will get better if you put all your energy into this. We are here for you!

[Changed1]

Help~ Going crazy

Hi Takeheart, the others have given such great insight and suggestions I'm not sure if I can add anything, except really the baby steps are super important. I make a list of accomplishments as I go through my day. When I do something as simple as brushing my teeth, I write it down. I go through the day and write the time and say No Wine in my list. I look at my list and it makes me get more done. I review my list at the end of the day and think WOW, I am moving in the right direction. To others, it may look pathetic that I write down "brushed teeth," but considering how far I've fallen it's not. I don't know whether a list like this would help you or not.

I think of projects (well, more like getting things organized) around my house. I tell myself if I really want to drink I can drink later in the day. I don't beat myself up for wanting a drink, as it's part of the addiction and quite normal. Yesterday I thought about getting a bottle of wine at 8:30 a.m. I told myself I could go later in the day. I just push things out as, for each minute I do, I am not drinking.

MWO has been invaluable to me. Yesterday was the first AF Saturday/night I've had in ages. I posted a thread here and it got me through the night. Come on here and post, just like you have!!

No, my friend, it's not pathetic to want a drink at all. Thing is, we don't have to act on it. And I'm in your same time zone and it's 9:40 a.m. I don't want a drink now and, if I do, I'll tell myself I can have one tonight or tomorrow if I really want one. Then I'll just busy myself and, if need be, tonight I'll be on here reading and posting. I know you can do this! I'm only on day two (again), but together we all can beat this!

[savon19]

Help~ Going crazy

Hi Takeheart -

I've done the same thing - repeatedly! Saying to myself, ok, this is IT - the End... only to find another excuse to drink.

In fact, I did it today!! Yesterday was very stressful (family stuff)... then today I had a bit of good news - so had to... celebrate! Saying to myself that, well, Tomorrow is IT.

I think that maybe the One good thing about this whole thing is... we are reminded by this that we really DO have a probllem! No sweeping it under the rug.

It is there: Big, ugly and STUPID. No way to make it seem.. innocent.

Soooo, for me.. it's Tomorrow (again).

[TakeHeart]

Help~ Going crazy

Thanks so much!! Tons of great advice that I will surely re-read again and again. It's 12:14 and I haven't drank today and won't (please??). I can't concentate and am feeling antsy so I'm going back out to find something to do. BIG THANK YOU ALL!!

[TakeHeart]

Help~ Going crazy

7:34 pm and it is already getting a teeny bit easier. By golly, I think I'm going to make it!

[cacky]

Help~ Going crazy

Take, its so great to see that you made it. wow already through almost a whole day. awesome. i am on day 3 and it is now after 11 and i am getting ready for bed. good luck and keep checking in

[scrubbly]

Help~ Going crazy

Bravo TakeHeart, I can hear your intention and your desire in your posts. You are doing the right things, keep trying, every effort you make here gets you closer!!! Good luck to you. :l

[Tulipe]

Help~ Going crazy

Good morning TH - how was your night?
The first 2 days, I found, were the hardest. After day 4, they physical issues start going away and {only} the pschological issues remain. Try to stay strong - it's worth it to break the pattern of daily alcohol abuse.

[42cat]

Help~ Going crazy

TakeHeart ... Just thought I'd check in as well ... How did you do last night? It was great to see your post at 7:34 - NICE JOB on the day. As an all-day drinker myself, I totally know how difficult getting through that first day is. For me, every hour was a drinking hour. Making it past noon, into the afternoon, past suppertime, etc., was a struggle, but felt great when I made it.

BRAVO! .... Any plans for today?

[My New Beginning]

Help~ Going crazy

Hello Takeheart. How have you been doing so far? I can really relate to the out of control feeling. I'm on day 5 and I can tell you it does get easier. For me, I have to keep reminding myself of how good I feel without AL in my system. Try to rest, dring water and eat right. Go for a walk if you can. All of these things have been helping me. Hang in there and be strong. You can do it! :l
Love
MNB