horrible weekend

[Gearhead]

I am just now emerging from a 4 day alcofunk... vacation day from work Monday, "worked" at home yesterday.. cried so many times.. I am in such a dark place. Honestly don't feel like continuing life sometimes. Actually held my breath in pool until I almost passed out. What a joke.

Why?? The trigger?? I made the epic mistake Saturday night of telling my ex wife I missed her.. her response "are you drunk"?? Sent me into such a spiral. Made me want to be drunk. Top that off with being ignored by my girlfriend (now ex) the entire weekend... So here I am. Trying to sober up and get back to work in a few hours. I did not drink around my kids but I'm sure they know I'm not well. They can't think its normal to puke all the time... I can't do this anymore. I will end up dead or worse. I hate myself for drinking and being in this state. Why do I get triggered to destroy myself?? I don't understand. So now I start over. And my kids will be gone tonight. The demons will be screaming when I come home from work.

[DeeBee]

horrible weekend

Gearhead;671223 wrote:
I made the epic mistake Saturday night of telling my ex wife I missed her.. her response "are you drunk"??

That was a low blow!!

Gearhead, I have learnt that by loving myself again I attract the love of those around me. It sounds easier than it is but if you do "stuff" that will make you proud of yourself you will regain your self respect and with it love for yourself.

Be kind to yourself these next couple of days whilst you recover -- drink loads of water with lemon and ginger. Milk Thistle to help the liver detox and recover and plenty of YOU time.:l

[Gold]

horrible weekend

Dear Gearhead,

I'm sorry you feel so badly about yourself, I too have felt desperate and alone and that I couldn't cope. At least you being here and writing about what is happening and how you feel is a positive thing.

I don't know what is behind things for you but I know from my own experience that family and my ex-husband can cause a flash of anger and resentment that comes on like a sudden storm. It isn't that I blame them for anything it is because I have always, until now (today!), put myself last and I am angry with myself for doing so.

Your ex-wife sounds a little dismissive of you in her remark and I wonder whether you have allowed people to put their needs over yours and denied who you really are.

Your goals at the bottom of your message, are about your children which of course is important, and not going into blackout, but what about a goal just for you?

[Gold]

horrible weekend

DeeBee is right, as I posted just now, I realised that the difference this time is that I am doing this for myself, before it was out of guilt for my children, shame and a multitude of other less than positive reasons. I know that this is the reason I will be successful this time.

[Gearhead]

horrible weekend

God right now I just need the strength to get through THIS day right now. Pick up my self and carry on. Put an honest day's work in. Come home and go to bed sober. Be a functional member of society. Be this great superhero my kids think I am. Not some horrible disgrace and a shame. Make it through a day without making excuses about what I did or said the day before. I'm pretty sure if I drink enough I'll just lose all desire to continue. The escape from reality must stop. Here I am 4am. I feel ashamed, and profoundly sad. The binge did not make things better for me only worse. I know this and yet I keep repeating the cycle. Now I just want to go throw up. Do I tell my kids I am sick?? Something else my ex will use against me?? It seems easier to escape than to face the world. Sad but this is AL for us. Escape hatch.

[cacky]

horrible weekend

GH, i hate to use a cliche but here goes "time does heal all wounds". 8 months ago..my kids were so ashamed of me and afraid for me. Now i cant seem to get rid of them (lol). it does get better. I am not totally sober but i am distancing myself from the drink every day. You have to find a way to make yourself happy away from these women who are not. Good luck.

[Gearhead]

horrible weekend

It does? I hope so. You've clearly made alot of progress Cacky. I am afraid of my lack of control. I boozed through like 4 days straight. I do not want to lose the respect of my children. I really care about nothing else in this world than my kids.

[Popeye]

horrible weekend

Cacky's right. I was drinking to get away from the dark places, but I usually ended up there nonetheless.
Give yourself time, quality time. It can seem like a long trek to where you want to be, but the time does go by and things fall into place and what once looked like the end of the world is just an unpleasant memory that will be replaced by newer, better ones. I'm not being flippant. I know where you are right now. I've been there and it's horrible, but if you give yourself a chance you can turn things around.
I wish you well.

[Gearhead]

horrible weekend

Man I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have this forum. I need to talk about this and can't really talk to anyone in my family. Tried talking to my mom once and got total denial of my AL prob. Wow Popeye, saw your signature, congrats that is outstanding. If I make it like 2 days that will be a record for me.

[My New Beginning]

horrible weekend

Hi Gearhead: With time and determination you will get through this for YOU! Your kids and you will be so much happier. I know you can do this. Drink lots of water like someone said here (it has helped me a lot) and stay on these boards. Do good things for youself...the things you enjoy doing and take care of yourself. All the best and please, stay around!
Love
MNB

[DeeBee]

horrible weekend

How old are your kids GH?

[Popeye]

horrible weekend

It's not so long ago that two days for me would have seemed like a miracle.
We all have to start at the beginning, and they're only numbers. It's being sober now that counts, not yesterday.

[Gearhead]

horrible weekend

8 year old son and 12 year old daughter....

[DeeBee]

horrible weekend

Kids tend to know these things even if we don't come out and say anything to them.
Focus on getting through the day and when you are strong enough you can always speak to them about it.

[Accountable for Me]

horrible weekend

Gearhead, many of us have been in your shoes. It can get better.

If you want to get sober; stay away emotionally from your ex. Zip those lips, my friend. Especially if there are feelings there that have not been resolved. We, as alcoholics are 'sensitve' people and; those that we love/miss, well, their words, if negative (especially about drinking) will hurt and could send us onto a bender.

It is very important to stay away from triggers. Certain 'people' can be a huge one.

This is the time to be focusing on yourself. One day at a time. It takes a long time to 'rediscover' yourself when you get sober. Have you thought about counseling? I am glad I took that route. I honestly am just starting to 'like' myself again. Not superficially, like I had in past quits. It is deeper within me. I am feeling at peace with everything.

You have to be selfish and think of you. (of course your kids too, but they will sense you feeling better and better about yourself). Once you start taking care and liking yourself; you will attract people who will offer you love and support, as DeeBee said.

Be strong. It is all about you right now. xoxo