Reality Check

[Mikesdad]

I don't know where to start-
First of all, 'Hello' to everyone and thanks in advance for the help and the support whether you reply directly, or if it's from one of your posts that I read.
I called off work last night before I went to bed, not necessarily because I was drunk, which of course I was, but because I realized that I somehow had to find a way to make sweeping changes in my life starting today.

Without going into the gory details, six years ago I was 'divorced' from the life that I had dreamed about since I was a child.
We had a small farm, we had three wonderful children.........we had it all.
However, near the end of our 8 year marriage, my then wife was diagnosed with mental issues and rather than accept professional help, blamed me for everything and drove me out of the house.
I have visitation with my two children ( one of the three was a step-daughter) twice a week and every other week-end.

With that being said, I am soul searching.
Am I, and have I been for the last six years, trying to fill the void of that loss with alcohol?
Is that what's driving it?
Or is that an excuse for deeper issues?

I think, as I sit here and ponder, that because there was no real 'reason' for the divorce-abuse, affair, etc-that because it was all in her head and she would not accept responsibility for it..............and there was nothing that I could do to 'fix' it.........I think that I have chosen to abuse myself over it.

I miss my kids every minute of every day even after six years and I miss that life and the life we could have had together and rather than move forward in the life I have now, I try to numb that pain that I still feel and I 'check out' of life with alcohol.
Why?
Well because even though the outcome of that marriage was out of my control, and there was nothing that I could do to save the marriage, I sure don't deserve to be happy and enjoy life!!

Wow, a deep realization.

I found this site by cleaning out the 'junk' in my computer.
I found it in my bookmarks probably put there one night as I sat here drinking beer and surfing the 'net thinking, someday I'm gonna have to go back there and take a look around.
Someday became today.
I've read around some and have already been able to relate so well to so many posts as if I had wrote them.

Alright then.

Its good to have found you all.

[mica]

Reality Check

Welcome!

HI, Mikesdad,
I am very glad that you have found us. There is such loving help to be had here, and there will be many that know exactly where you are coming from. I want you to know that I am sending strong thoughts your way, that you find the strength to continue striving towards the life you deserve. You said in your post that you don't deserve to be happy... I hope that was a typo, because you most certainly DO deserve to be happy! You are taking a very big step in examining your life, but please start that examination with the thought that you are worthy of the very best life can give you. And believe me, it can be full of such wonderful blessings. I will be looking forward to hearing more from you, on your way to a happy healthy life.

Good luck. Welcome. Keep coming back, reading and posting. It has helped me, more than I can say. :welcome:

[sunshine_gg]

Reality Check

:l MikesDad

And welcome.
It sounds like you've given your motives and actions a lot of thought and are ready to make changes. Alrighty then! *rolling up sleeves*

Have you read the MWO book yet? Also, have a look through the toolbox thread (in monthly abstinence) - tons of info, ideas, and advice there.

Next, let's throw out thoughts of 'don't deserve to be happy'. Pfffhhhh. I will admit that it's difficult to think of one self as worthy of anything good whilst wallowing in self disgust. However, even a few days sober will make a dent in that. You will want to be happy and proud and find self respect again - and you can.

Why don't you join any of the starting out/starting over threads and/or the Newbie's Nest? We'd love to have you. Keep reading and jump in anywhere, anytime. You will find this place to be a safe and very non judgmental haven. Welcome again.

Wishing you strength and unbridled success.

[Gold]

Reality Check

Hi Mikesdad

If you dreamed of the life you had since childhood then it was a major loss not to be able to have it any longer, I wonder why it was so important to you as a child to have that sort of life.

My sister has mental health issues, initially she had professional help but then she felt it prevented her being herself and stopped the treatment. She decided her husband was an evil person and that she must get away from him at all costs regardless of the effect on the three children (one is his child) or anyone else. Six years later her life is totally down the pan.

If your wife was unwilling to cooperate then there is nothing you could have done in my opinion and experience. Having no say in such a major life change must have been devastating and I guess the alcohol helped to lessen the pain.

I have the feeling that there have been other times where things have happened without your input and this situation with your marriage has brought up old feelings of not deserving.

Anyway, what do I know! The thing is you do deserve to be happy and enjoy life and you have taken steps to do something about it, good for you.

:welcome:

[Mikesdad]

Reality Check

Hi Gold,

Don't we all dream of who we want to be, where we want to live and what we want to do when we grow up?
The proverbial place in the county with 2.5 kids?

Yep, as with your sister, so was it with my wife. I became the evil one that she just had to get away from.
BPD- Borderline Personality Disorder.

However, maybe the 'whys' of this aren't important but instead, the how to get out of this.

Thank you all for your quick replies.

Greatly appreciated,

[hart]

Reality Check

((Mike'sdad)))

This is the question that occurs to me. If she is acting erradically....if you could stop your drinking do you think you might seek custody of them, or more of a 50/50 split? Do you worry about their well being exposed to a mentally ill person? Is she taking her meds?

Women don't automatically get custody anymore. The courts are coming around.

If you can't change the circumstances re: custody, can you talk to your kids about how they feel about the divorce and if they are okay?

I had all sorts of excuses for drinking, valid reasons it was tough, but not really a good reason for making myself more miserable by drinking and feeling sorry for myself.

When you are ready to stop drinking, I think you will. You strike me as someone who, when they put their mind to something, follows thru. :welcome:

[Changed1]

Reality Check

Hi Mikesdad,

I sure can relate to drinking over the loss of a relationship and over the loss of a dream. Thing is, the drink leads us no closer to our dream or that relationship. I'm sorry for what you've gone through, but if you stick around here I think you'll find some great support. MWO has helped me immensely. Welcome!

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Reality Check

Hello Mikesdad, glad you found us. I just wanted to welcome you and offer support as you set out on your journey.
Keep safe
KTAB

[mooderator]

Reality Check

Hi Mikesdad...

Welcome to the site....there is as stated above, many helpful things here. I will be honest and say that I have not read the book and i dont follow any other part of the program exept coming here and reading posts and asking questions...giving and getting support when required and using drink tracker, in my case that alone has been wonderful tonic and enough....BUT many people here have read the book and follow the prgram fully and it has been life changing. I encourage you to do the same. use all and any of the tools.

You have done a wonderful job of opening up and starting to analyse your feelings about the predicament you find yourself in well done. I hope that you can now start to learn to love you, realise you deserve a great and happy life, albeit a different one from what you had, and start the process of feeling better....

...I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you will start to see that what occurred was in no way your fault. You were a victim (not a word I like, but bare with me) of circumstances rather than the author of your own destiny. Now its time to take the pen yourself and write the future as you see it..

love moo

[Mikesdad]

Reality Check

Thanks for your concern Hart.
The kids are doing well and their mom and I are civil to each other.
As I said, it's been 6 years since the divorce and in the beginning she was very erratic etc but a call to Child Services and the talk that they had with her seemed to help the situation along with a great many other deterrents.
She got the message that she couldn't do as she pleased.

The kids like where they live and the school and that they are near to their friends and I don't see a change of custody as it wouldn't be in their best interests.

As far as the book goes, just came back from the local 'small town' library and they don't have it. I'd have to order it on line. I did find a book by Dr. James Dobson that I think may enlighten me.
And the tools and boards here.

Mooderator when you said, "You were a victim " I thought of Dr. Phil saying one time, "There are no victims, only volunteers"
Gosh, there's another interesting thought, I was a victim but now I'm volunteering to continue to be a victim of my own actions.

Alrighty then, I want to read around here as I'm sure what I am realizing has already been posted here somewhere.
And of course, get into the tool box and the drink tracker where ever it is.

[Lavande]

Reality Check

Hi Mikesdad,

I wanted to say welcome too! Glad you are here with us.
Please feel free to join us on the 'Newbies Nest' thread - lots of folks there just beginning as well.

BTW you can, if you like, download the MWO book right here from the website. Just look in the Health Store.

Wishing you the best

[LookingToGrow]

Reality Check

Tool Box Link

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html

Try this link to the tool box. Welcome aboard!

[LookingToGrow]

Reality Check

Drink Tracker

Welcome to My Way Out

Drink Tracker.

[42cat]

Reality Check

Hi Mikesdad. You sound like such a caring person - and that's a quality to be very proud of. You deserve to be happy. Stick around here and read and post often .. Think of the life you want and make your plan to get there. Step by step, little by little, change by change .. and before you know it, you'll have turned things around.

Nice to meet you!

[Mikesdad]

Reality Check

Thanks for the links.
Found them.
I recall that when my 'then' wife was diagnosed with BPD, the counslor recommended that I read a book called "Stop walking on eggshells" .
It was basically the same premise as this site.
That book came with a website much like this one and I remember the relief I had at finding others that were going through the same thing that I was.
I have much that same feeling now.
Whew.