ok i'm here so its a start

[ljd700]

well first off I'm a mum of three lovely children 6, 4 and 2, I love them more than I can say but they are hard work. My alcohol problem has been with me for many years. I have always been the one who drinks the most, the party girl who has the worst hangovers etc etc, always encouraging my friends to go out and get hammered. Well I'm 39 and all my friends have calmed down and are social drinkers. I rely heavily on alcohol every night. I pour my first drink when I'm cooking the kids tea usually about 5pm, I can easily drink a bottle of wine a night then feel guilty and say "I won't drink tomorrow" - it never happens. My relationship with my husband is very bad - he hates me and all that I am, but he doesn't want a life seperate from his children so will stay in our house to prevent this. He works very long hours and he knows that if we split up he will find it hard to see his children. My children are being affected by our relationship and alcohol is my crux. What else can I say other than I wish for freedom from this burden which makes me worry that i won't survive. I get very bad liver pain ............ Nobody in my life knows about this - I am a good mum who is completely functional, my kids are doing well in school, they are always clean and well dressed, we do lots of social activities - gym, swimming, brownies etc I am writing this after a bottle of wine and looking for more...

[scrubbly]

ok i'm here so its a start

Ljd....welcome to you and :l

Glad you found your way to us. I'm a mother myself and understand you doing so much for others and not a whole lot to care for yourself.

Do lots of reading on here when you can, ask lots of questions. I recommend you get the My Way Out book - either hard copy from Amazon or you can download it from the home page of this site for about $12 I think. From there you can decide what your plan will be to deal with your alcohol issues.

All the best to you.

[42cat]

ok i'm here so its a start

Hi ljd.... I saw a lot of myself in your post and just had to reply.

Welcome to the site. There is so much understanding and non-judgemental people here, all dealing with the same or similar problems... There are so many experiences, ideas, strategies, etc. Some people are just starting out, some have relapsed and are trying again .. and again .. and some have been sober for weeks, months, years. I've learned so much here. Up until a couple of months ago, I drank a fifth (750 ml) of rum or vodka every day, morning to night. Like you, I was functional, my kids are smart (they're 16 and 20), etc. Also, like you, my relationship with my husband is not the best. And, again, like you, no one really knew the extent of my problem, and I didn't talk about it. I drank in secret mostly (except for a couple in the evening) and I was/am alone or alone'ish most of the day. I was/am worried about my liver, too. Blood tests a few months ago showed high liver enzymes .. and I'm afraid to get re-tested. (I'm 44 and have been drinking for years.. although the all-day thing was more recent.)

If it weren't for this site and the things I learned on it, I doubt if I would have found my way "out". Just reading and posting helped immensely .. and then Googling .. and trying new things, etc. etc. One day, my "mindset" changed .. Something I read? Maybe .. or a cumulation of things I'd been reading and thinking of ..... and I got angry at myself and at the booze .. and I fought my way past the withdrawals and anxiety, shakes, insomnia, etc., the first days .. https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...ggy-34156.html .. (I never told anyone, all the while trying to look "normal" .. but I'm not prepared to tell anyone about it, and don't feel I'd get the support anyway ... But if you can get some good support from family or friends, I am sure it would be a wonderful help in this fight.) .... It sure feels good to have some control now.

I'm newly sober, so still figuring it all out ... (I had one little relapse since early June.) What's helping these days is changing the way I think and changing things I do, working on new habits, trying new things - little by little by little. It adds up. ..... Oh, and re. anxiety and insomnia - For me, after my body detoxed, it was gone. I was amazed. Life's problems are still there, but I'm taking a more proactive role in my happiness and in my future, and dealing with it sober is a million times easier than buzzed or hungover. Feels great.

It happens for everyone in different ways. There are so many experiences on the board - and all of them are useful learning tools. I learned that if one thing doesn't work, try another. And keep trying. Oh, and the supplements are amazing. I have been getting mine at my local health store and drug store, but the ones on the site are also great products, and I have ordered from them before. Kudzu and L-glut are great to fight off cravings. There are also some terrific meds - although I haven't tried those, but I wouldn't hesitate to if I ever do think I need them.

Oh, and if you're worried about your liver - as I was - Take Milk Thistle (you can get them at your drug store or health store). It is apparently wonderful at helping the liver to heal. (If you google it, you will find TONS of stuff and stories about it - I take it every day, a few times a day.) There is a lot to be said for herbal teas with fresh squeezed lemon too, or just hot water with lemon. And LOTS and LOTS of water.

I wish you well. Picture the life you want and make your plan to get there. You can do this. You deserve a happy future. We all do. ...... Looking forward to seeing you on the boards!

............ P.S... my replies are often, for some reason, really long .... Apologies for all the reading here .... lol ... Once I get started, you can't shut me up!) ...

[jessie]

ok i'm here so its a start

Hi Ljd,
A huge huggy welcome to you! I can add nothing to the other posts - except I'm going to print 42Cat's and reread it often.
You are a lucky woman - you are coming to your senses early while your children are young. I caused real damage to mine, especially the youngest who can't remember a happy childhood. That hurt!
About your husband - if your hubby is serious about staying but abusive to you it might be time to see a counsellor or set serious limits. The children will be hurt growing up like that.
I am still struggling but positive and gaining step by step!
Cat, thanks - your post is very motivating.

[42cat]

ok i'm here so its a start

Jessie .. knowing that I said something that you found useful really put a smile on my face. It truly did. That felt really nice .. Thank you!

[ChickenNumber3]

ok i'm here so its a start

Hello Ljd!

You sound so much like me! I am 35 yrs old and Mum to two beautiful girls aged 4.5yrs and 2 yrs! Challenging to be sure.

I have been drinking steadily now for about 4-5 years, but was still strangely proud of the fact that I could still be a functional Mum! Prided myself that I didn't think my kids even noticed.

Now that I have been sober for 7 days I see how much of my family life had suffered! Just little things, but still there nonetheless! So we are all with you and know how you are feeling Right now! You can do it!

Chicken

[ljd700]

ok i'm here so its a start

Thanks for replys everyone. I can't believe people would even bother to read let alone care! There is good in the world after all. I will read all there is to read here. Its great to know that there are other people like me who are struggling in the same way.

[mario]

ok i'm here so its a start

just like to say :welcome:ljd you have made the first start for a new life :goodjob:

[Popeye]

ok i'm here so its a start

Hi ljd,
Welcome.
This is a great place.
I hope that you find what you need.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

ok i'm here so its a start

Hello ljd700 a big welcome to you. It is great that you have found us and well done on taking the first brave step in posting here. You are not alone with this problem.
Keep safe
KTAB

[stopthecycle]

ok i'm here so its a start

Thanks for posting. I too am a mom and I have such guilt about my drinking. So I think I drink more to not feel bad about it....

[Hate Myself]

ok i'm here so its a start

Feel your pain

I am also a mother of four.I do not drink all the time,but when i do I can easily drink a bottle of wine,which i then hide.I have recently been reunited with my ex after 7 years,and am on my way to royally screwing it up.We went to a party last night,and in my usual denial state convinced myself I could drink like everyone else.Short version,he hates me today and my 13 year old watched me stumble up the stairs.I am so scared because I can never drink again,and I don't know how to make sure of that.I will loose my family,if I can't get a grip on this.I am hopeing this is a start.

[ljd700]

ok i'm here so its a start

hey you mustn't hate yourself - we must remember that this is an illness and in some ways it is beyond our control. Our familys don't understand it - only others who are in the same situation can possibly know what the cravings, the buzz of drinking and then the guilt are like. My husband particularly just thinks I am a loser and I will never be supported by him. Little by Little is my favourite phrase from all the replies I've had. Its 7pm in the UK and i've just poured my first wine a full two hours later than usual (sounds ridiculous but its good for me!) I'm going to try and do this by cutting down then stopping altogether (at home anyway). Keep posting and keep positive x

[comet075]

ok i'm here so its a start

Welcome ljd! Good luck and thanks 42! You are awesome, not long.

[My New Beginning]

ok i'm here so its a start

A big welcome to you ljd700. You have made a positive step to find this and post . I hope that this place will help you like it has helped me and so many others. You will learn so much here. Again, Welcome! See you around the boards.
Love
MNB