Despair / Scared

[Afresh]

Hello, I am new to the site albeit I registered in April of this year and then convinced myself that I could control my drinking which of course I can't, certainly not without support and guidance which I hope to find here.

Feeling hung-over today after hitting the wine big time yesterday, once again. No matter what I promise myself, my partner and my children, the same habit returns with my not being able to get past 8 days max AF. However, I really must get the help to become AF for life. It's as though I am on self-destruct, I worry about my health, I am a 48 year old woman, I worry about my children and the example I am setting them and the memories they will have of me and their childhood, they are only 11 and 9 years old. I want to be alive, fit and healthy to bring them up and be there for them. They love me dearly as I do them but they hate my problem as indeed I do. Although my partner and I have issues, the wine and my excessive drinking of it obviously leads to serious problems between us and serves to only make things worse. I know all this but I still do it, why???? My partner is always threatening to leave, I feel very insecure, I need to take control back.

I am so scared and worried, I feel weak, a failure, a no-one. I am not a bad person, I am a loving, caring human-being who has lost her way big-time in this regard. I have to keep telling myself that I am a good person because I don't feel like one, certainly not as a responsible 48 year mother of 2 young children should be.

I am thinking of going to an AA meeting tonight but am embarrassed about doing so, I guess I need to take all the support and guidance I can get, in fact I know I need to do this.

Well, here I am feeling full of remorse, guilt, sadness, lonely and ashamed, again, when will I ever learn? What is this illness, where did it come from, why can't I control it? I know I have to and this has to be the start of my new life, one in which I will feel like a good and responsible person, one whom my children and partner can be proud of. I will be reading and would welcome any support and advice you may have.

Thank you for listening.:upset::new::

[42cat]

Despair / Scared

Hi, Fresh ... Welcome. You've found a great place here. I'm a 44 year old mom of two girls .. and I drank a bottle (750 ml) of hard liquor every day, morning to night, mostly in secret and alone, except in the evening when I'd have "a couple" while watching TV with the family ... Sheesh, the secrets alone were enough to make me feel horrible guilt and shame, let alone the money I was spending that no one knew about ($20-$25 per day), and the fact that I often wasn't "up to" doing things with my girls such as going shopping or driving them somewhere. *sigh*

I wasn't a drunk, but I was never sober. Then, with the help of this site, I was able to find strategies and support, and friendship too. I got my head around what I wanted and I started to make a plan to climb out of my hole. I changed my habits and routines, got some strategies in place for when I feel weak, and got out of my "comfort zone" by trying some new things, etc....... I feel so much hope now as I look after "me". I feel real and whole ... and proud of myself ... and empowered and in control ... and so many other words!

If I can do it, I truly believe anyone can. I felt a lot of the same things that you are feeling. Remind yourself that it is AL(cohol) talking at you, trying to manipulate you into thinking you need a drink.

Read through the threads on the message boards, and consider vitamins and supplements if you don't already use them, and keep your thoughts directed at what you want out of life. You deserve a happy future - we all do. There's so much to learn here. The more you read, the more ideas you'll find to get you started on YOUR path. There is a great thread in the Monthly Abstinence board called the "tool box" ... lots to read and re-read there. And please post as often as you like .. it feels great to be part of the community.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

[mario]

Despair / Scared

:welcome: Afresh all of us here are in the same boat and you have taken the first step in dealing with your problem,there are many threads in which you can take part and lots of people to talk & help you,re the AA can you not go to a meeting outside of your area,as all the help you get in fighting this demon is a help.goodluck

[brightlite]

Despair / Scared

Afresh, I so feel your pain. I know you don't feel well right now. The sadness and guilt will pass, but remember how it feels right now and know that when you feel like you want to just have one or two glasses of wine, most likely you will end up in this pit of despair. We all know that, but somehow our brain can't remember that pain. 42Cat is right, make a plan, stay close and read on this forum and try some suppliments to start. Even when one of us makes it out of the pit...it such an achievement for all.

Wishing you better and brighter days.

[Seacailin]

Despair / Scared

Hello and Welcome Afresh
I can relate so much to what u have said. Stay close by. There is great love and support here. I look forward to your future posts. Best wishes as you begin your journey.

[joesgal]

Despair / Scared

Welcome Afresh, you have come to the right place for help and support and have taken the first step towards recovery. I too can identify with what you are saying and believe me, if I can do this, anyone can. I wish you well, things will get better if you stick with MWO,of that you can be sure, hugs to you, Joesgal

[Lavande]

Despair / Scared

Hi Afresh,

Welcome! I understand your feelings, you are pretty much where I was back in February when I joined. It took almost a month of playing around here to get serious but I finally did! I'm now living life as an AF,happy new grandmother - it doesn't get better than that
If you haven't already please be sure to read the MWO book. It's full of good information to help you make your plan, one that's right for you! Please feel free to join us on the 'Newbies Nest' thread here in the Just Getting Started section too.

Wishing you the best!
Lav

[RedThread12]

Despair / Scared

Welcome, Afresh: I'm pretty new here on the board, too, but I've been where you are, or my own version of it, at least. I promise you, you can get well and this can become the beginning of a brand new you. I'm 53. When I was 49, I was completely beaten, taken to my knees and below by alcohol. I had lived many years AF before I started drinking after a divorce at age 43, so it only took those six years for alcohol to take me to despair. The last two year finally made me desperate enough for me to be willing to do whatever it would take to get sober, so I did finally go to AA. I asked a friend to drive me there and pick me up after because I knew that if I were out in my car alone I would stop at the liquor store on the way home. I was relatively drunk when I went, and no one cared or made a big deal of it. I didn't drink again for three years after that meeting (recently had a one-month relapse but am well again).
I see from reading these boards that there are many options for getting sober that work in different ways for different people. But for me there had to be a definite stopping point that wasn't just a conversation with myself in my addled brain, but that coincided with some action that connected me to other people who understood my condition.
Do you have a Dr. that you could talk to? Mine gave me some seroquel so I could sleep for the first time in months, and that was another miracle. (I'm convinced there's a strong link between hormonal changes and women our age becoming alcoholic drinkers, but that probably goes on the women's forum and I haven't checked that out yet.) I can't say that I think AA is the answer, but it's a great place to learn about alcohol and alcoholics and to get tons of support to find your way out. This is just my experience. After my "relapse" I started taking Campral, thinking it would be easy to just jump back on the wagon, but I have heavy side effects of fatigue and just feeling weird with it, and it's been harder coming back this time than it was getting sober the first time. But lots of people on these boards seem to have great success with medications. Me - I'm back to going to meetings and looking forward to getting off the Campral.
Congratulations on posting and putting the issue "out there." It's a huge step in the right direction. There is no shame in this disease, or this chemical imbalance, or this allergy, or whatever you want to call it. Just keep taking whatever actions you can, whether you feel good or not. Our brains need more than a little bit of re-training!

[Afresh]

Despair / Scared

Thank you everyone, the fact that you have all been kind enough to write to me with all your warm and supportive messages is overwhelming to the extent that I have tears running down my face as we speak, tears of joy for a change, not despair. I feel like I have found people who truly understand what is happening to me and I can't thank you enough for your having taken the trouble to welcome me to the site offering your invaluable support.

Plan of action now is to stop feeling sorry for myself and fight this demon and knowing that you are all there is so inspiring, I am going to do it this time and hopefully I will be of assistance to others on the site as well.

I will be busy reading up on all the information on this site and indeed look forward to posting myself from now on, I will keep you all updated as to my progress and look forward to reading everyone else's.

My daughter has just come down stairs, given me a great big hug and said "I love you mummy", what more incentive could I have to get well again.

Thanks again

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Despair / Scared

Hello Afresh I have just read all of this thread and your posts are very touching. I wish you well on your journey, we have all trodden this path and there are so many great people who will be here to help you every step of the way. You can do this, you deserve it, your family love you and will be so proud of you.
Just ask if you need advice, support or whatever.
Keep safe
KTAB

[scrubbly]

Despair / Scared

brightlite;679435 wrote: Even when one of us makes it out of the pit...it such an achievement for all.

Brightlight is SO right about this. We are in this together, please don't feel alone, we have ALL been where you are right now, and there is hope, really there is.

The first days of getting things going when you are here, and the first days of trying to cut down or go AF can be scary, your anxiety can actually increase, but it DOES get better, I promise, and the supplements REALLY do help take the edge off.

Have you gotten the My Way Out book ,either in hard copy or download? It has all the supplement information and dosages, and most things you can find at a natural foods store so it's not scary stuff/prescriptions etc.

Read all you can, and take good care! :welcome:

[OverIt2007]

Despair / Scared

Welcome! I feel your pain as well. Could have wrote every single word as to how I have felt at times. Its especially hard when you have young children, you feel so much shame and guilt to be drinking because your motherly insticts are making you feel like a bad mother on top of everything else too!

There are times I wonder how I can be drinking like I do when I have a child who needs me. How could I do this? I believe you have to put yourself somewhat first in order to get better, so you can be there for your children. I know you love them dearly, and they love you too. Maybe this can be your big step to get sober for yourself and your loved ones.

Im glad you found this community. People on here really do care and you will always find an open ear and support.:l

[Winefree]

Despair / Scared

Afresh, don't be embarrassed going to AA. Just realize they are all there for the same reason, to be alcohol free. I too was afraid to go to AA, but started in mid April and have found so much support in the fellowship. I have been attending daily and sometimes twice in a day when necessary. YOu will find that you have a lot in common with everyone and in one way or another they have walked in your shoes, or you in theirs. Give it a try. What have you got to lose? You may just gain more than you will ever no and get some needed help in fighting off this demon.

Best of luck.
Oh, by the way, there is a weekly AA thread that is a great place to ask questions about AA.

Winefree