Advice Please??

[dizzle]

Hi yall. My husband is an alcoholic. We broke up eventually but when he stopped drinking we got back together. He has started drinking again, and I can handle that now, cos I have learnt alot, but what I cannot handle is the lying. I have told him will help him if he is just honest. Twice this week alone, he outright lied about drinking and I found him out both times. The drinking bothers me, but the lying is killing me. We have been together for 17 years and have 4 kids. Shall I give up on us, as I am tired of being lied to?

[YoungAtHeart]

Advice Please??

I would expect the lying to continue. He doesn't want to have to stop drinking to keep you. You've had a very long relationship and 4 kids, and that is important, but I wouldn't expect things to change if he keeps drinking.

I'm not sure what makes it different so that you can handle his drinking now, and why would you want to?

[dizzle]

Advice Please??

Thanks 'Young at Heart', you ask some good questions! What is different is that I know he will fall off the wagon, but he gets back on it, and really tries. He is a wonderful man sober, and an ass when he's not. He is on 'antabuse' pills but he ran out and didn't tell me, hence he started drinking again. He just lies and lies and lies about it, and thinks I am so stupid as to not know he is drunk. There is no trust for me anyway, he promises he is telling the truth and lies to my face. He tells me lying is all part-and-parcel with the drinking and that he can't help it. Is this always the case??

[ChickenNumber3]

Advice Please??

dizzle,
I think that is a bit of a cop-out! Lying can go with it..but that is an easy-out for him.It means he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his own actions! He chooses to lie,even if he is drunk! He also chose to start drinking..we all did,no matter how under the spell of th demon drink we are!!
Ultimately we are all responsible for our actions or in-action!!
All the best
Chicken

[Boss.man]

Advice Please??

Dizzle I'd like to share what I've learned.

Drinking most impacts our primitive brain. It makes it feel good. This part of the brain can't speak, or apply any logic. The part of our brain that speaks and listens to reason is newer and is mostly put to sleep by alcohol.

So for all of us, our own brains lie to us. The "morality" of our lizard brain has mostly to do with getting enough food, sleep and procreating. Sometimes, this morality is at odds with what our logical brain is thinking. So at the heart of it, the parts of our brains lie to each other.

I'm not here to defend anyone. It is our role in society to act as a whole person, and to take responsibility for our own actions in a whole sense. My point is simply that to engage the primitive brain takes more than just words. It takes many approaches. If it was easy, this web site would not exist. You can't apply logic to a place logic won't "stick".

I wish you luck, and please take care of yourself.

[dizzle]

Advice Please??

Thank you both 'ChickenNumber3' and 'Boss.man'! After reading the AA book from front to back, it's a real eye opener to how much of a demon alcohol can be. I can only imagine how hard it has been and still is for you and my husband. You are both right, he never takes any responsibility for his actions, and although he did 7 months with only one slip-up, it now seems to have a hold on him again. I just don't understand how all his hard work can be undone in such a short time?? He relies totally on his pills again cos his will power is non-existant. What does that say? - really, I want to hear from someone who knows...

[ChickenNumber3]

Advice Please??

Good point Boss man!
Chicken

[louise]

Advice Please??

It is undone in a short time because he is still addicted to alcohol. Even though he managed to stay off it for 7 months, something triggered him drinking again (which led him to let the prescription run out) and it is back to where he started because that is what happens when an addicted person drinks. But he is probably feeling guilty and ashamed and that is part of why he is lying. That is not an excuse - I agree that saying lying is part of it is a cop out. If he really wants to quit, you might direct him to this site. There is lots of information here about nutritional supplements that help as well as other medications he might try, as well as support.

[dizzle]

Advice Please??

Thanks for that Louise, I will direct him to this site and I really hope it will make a difference like it has for so many of you. I need to talk to partners of members to see how they have coped with things. I lived with this for many years and it was not a good place for my children. I feel so bad for them again as I have allowed us to get back into a situation that is potentially going to back fire on us. It took a lot of courage to finally leave him, and we all did so well without him. But when he stopped drinking and got his life back on track, I naively believed he had changed and would never drink again (!). I am tired of being a welcome mat for his lies and am at such a cross-roads again. I didn't want to be in this situation again. What area should I post to talk to partners??

[Wally22]

Advice Please??

Hi Dizzle
There is a specific community for partners which you can post under, click on "our community" and scroll down to start a new thread.
I think most people just hit the quick links and look for new posts so your post will get read one way or the other.
The majority of people on the site are alcoholics, there are a small minority who are living with alcoholics. You may not get a response as quickly as you might like, but hang in there.

[peacenik]

Advice Please??

the section titled "family members affected by drinking" is where you might get the most out of this site.

good luck!

[dizzle]

Advice Please??

Thanks Wally22, will try that tomorrow, right now have dinner to cook...

[AMELIA]

Advice Please??

Hi Dizzle,
The discription of your husband sounds a lot like me when I was drinking. I am not drinking now, but to look back and remember the stories I told and the things I did JUST to carrying on drinking, I feel sick.
It does a lot of damage to a relationship.

How To Enjoy Life Without Alcohol - Part one - Chapter Two - Reinstatement After Abstinence - DryOutNow.com

I found this website last week when I googled life after alcohol. It basically talks about the addicted brain, explaining that once your brain has been addicted to a substance, even if you have been 'clean' for months or years, if you go back and use that substance again you will probably be back to the levels you were consuming before in a very short time. The brain doesn't forget is their reasoning.

I am one of quite a few trying medication to help me maintain abstinence. The meds that I am on at the moment really do seem to be helping my conscious mind keep in control and when I hear my 'addicted brain' telling me it's ok to have one drink, I seem to find it much easier to think 'drinking is not an option' and move on. In fact, compared to the other times I have been sober, this time is by far the easiest.

Some people here are just using supplements and hyponosis etc. In their own way they too are treating the bodies physical reaction to abstinence.
Perhaps your hubby could look into how to help his body and brain recover if he decides to go on the wagon again. I really do think alcoholics need to repair the damage that they have done to their bodies and brain chemistry in order to remain abstinent.

Just a thought and a long winded one at that. I too believe your hubby's lies will continue if he is still drinking. He's in the grip of an addiction and he wants to feed it....when I was like that, unfortunately getting drink was all I was thinking about.

[AMELIA]

Advice Please??

Dizzle,
I also wanted to add that it could be beneficial to introduce your husband to this website. Being in the grip of alcoholism is a very lonely and frightening place to be. I was filled with fear, shame and guilt. Just finding this site and realising that I was not alone provided a lot of comfort.
Your hubby might just find it the 'push' he needs to address his drinking (and lying) again.
Please don't 'accept' his drinking. The longer he drinks the harder he may find it to say 'goodbye' to the booze. Your kids need to see a sober dad.
Best wishes
Amelia

[savon19]

Advice Please??

Dizzle - you've gotten good advice. Good luck with whatever you decide...

I had to just comment on Bossman's post - guess you've solved a mystery for me. I used to call it "robot mode" when I'd go buy booze when I was trying to be AF. Now I know it was my LIZARD brain!!

What is so weird is when your logical mind is saying things like: "Don't go to store, you don't need/want it, etc."... Yet, off you go! And that's because that Lizard brain doesn't even understand logic. Like talkin' to the wall.