go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

[andaz]

Hi all

I am on day 3 of ODAT still having a few withdrawals and my back hurts. My throat hurts because of acid and i am still sweating buckets. But i havent drank and that is all that matters. Slept a little last night so things are improving. What i have to be careful of is when i feel well ........a few weeks down the line and Al ....with that little voice starts saying :

"well if only it might be okay, after all you used to be able to, go on 1 or 2 glasses wont harm" I seem to loose the last 16 years of my life, 1 or 2 glasses was in 1993. When i could put the cork in after 2 glasses. Now i go into the off licence for 1 bottle and come out with 2 litre bottles "just incase" i run out. Dont even wait till it is cold ,find the biggest glass and glug at least half the glass before filing it up again then sitting down.Somtimes throwing up cause its warm and i have gluged it too quick.

If i start hearing the beast Al's voice i will have to tell myself;

Go on a liitle bit will be ok will find me waking up in hospital with a broken nose cause i passed out at 09.00 in the morning going to work in the bus stop. Who phoned the ambulance? Did i know them did anyone that knew me see me?

Go on a little bit will be okay -will find me passed out in the bushes at night at the park , could have been raped or murdered and someone phoned an ambulance

Go on a little bit will be okay will find me in hospital as i was passed out on the park bench, at 08.30 in the morning my dog ended up in the police station who phoned that ambulance?

If he dares get on my shoulder and start i will tell him to f***K off and get back in the gutter where you belong

[startingover]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

Hi Andaz,
You are doing great! Your determination is inspiring.
Yes, it might get harder when you start feeling better, but just remember these days. Write about them if you can, so you can read if you get weak.
Best wishes!

[peacenik]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

when al tells you these things, come back to this thread and re-read it and feel it.

remember all the bad things FAR outnumber the "good things".

are you taking l-glutamine? it helps with cravings...

good luck!

[SarahH]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

Hi Andaz,

Your beast and my beast could be twins!

Why is it so hard to remember how absolutely terrible and terrifying the withdrawal is and so easy to remember the buzz? Oh well, I am getting through today. one way or another, without alcohol.

[andaz]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

thanks

Hi thanks for all the kind words
i have also bumped what i hate about alcohol as i want to read it every day to remind me when my mind goes back to 1993 and "go on have a couple" ....................................My daughter is 22 and getting married in October. I have to do this this time I have ruined many a Christmas, Sisters wedding, New Year, and even my daughters god-daughters 6 month babies funeral. As soon as there is a bit stress, or critisim I can not take it I must be strong for October or I will loose everything. Everyone is so worried she told me the other day 1 of her earliest memories was finding passed out on the floor in a pool of urine she was only 6 years old!!!!!!!!!!!

I must have all these memories and tools up my sleeve for her wedding. My kids are 22 and 24 they worry about me so much they are always checking up on me. My husband works for the army in Afganistan. He is in a war zone he came home for 2 weeks leave my daughter and her fiance picked him up from the airport. They asked me to go and i made some excuse as I was on a binge. They came in at 05.00 in the morning and just looked at me. The hurt and sadness in my husbands eyes will remain with me for as long as i live. I couldn't even get sober for him coming back. The house was a pigsty, I stunk to high heaven, no food in for him, the dog was starving and hadnt been out for 3 days so there was shit and piss all over the upstairs. Just about 6 empty litre bottles of wine in the bin. How can i suddenly blank all these things out for "go on a couple wont harm you" If i was him I would have been away like a shot. Everyone in the street has seen me going in to the shop for alchohol. 09.00 on Monday the day after my husband came back -he was watching me like a hawk. Some bright spark has built an off licence opp my house. I live now in Turkey as i did a geographical. He opens at 08.00 in the morning. He knows he is not allowed to sell me drink -but he does. The sun comes through the windows of the shop and these bottles just glow like christmas lights!!!!!! So i went out to clean the pool. Stuart was in the living room. I had been on the internet to try and find the shop number and i thought i could ring him and he could deliver a bottle and leave it at the front door. But i couldn't find it dammmmm!!!!!!!!!
So out cleaning the pool he came out of the shop to put his rubbish out . Christ i thought i had won the jackpot and all i had to do was tell him over the fence i wanted 1 big bottle of vodka hidden in the garden. while i kept an eye on the front door. God the panic !!!!!!!!! Incase husband came out. The shop keeper did what he was told and hid it at the bottom of the palm tree for me. The pool was soon forgotten about. Now started the SAS operation to get it safely in the house. It first went round the back hidden in the dogs kennel. 5 mins later it was in a beach towel which went into the dirty laundry basket. Then it went upstairs stilll in the beach towel and into the upstairs bathroom. I had no pop to mix it so it was swigged neat out of the bottle. Hid it in the curve of the sink pedestal. But he could be rented out as a sniffer dog. Never fails, he always bloody finds it. And the desperate game starts again. He fell asleep on the sofa at 01.00-the shop was still open. The theme tune from mission impossible goes through my head. Got it upstairs past him got pissed but he found it at 12.00 the next day and that my friends will be the very very last time i touch alcohol!!!!!!!!!!! Because if it isnt i will loose everything for AL. And how can he be my best friend I can't even spell it. Sorry about my spelling but still have a fuzzy head :thanks:

[SarahH]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

I am in Afghanistan. Kabul. Where is your husband stationed?

You know, as terribly as we have behaved, and as selfish as we have been, we really don't deserve the forgiveness of our loved ones. But I think all they really want is for us to be sober again.

[andaz]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

husband

Hi Sarah

He is in Lashkar Gah. Subcontracted to the army. What are you doing there? Do you drink over there or when you are on leave. The worst problem for him is he can not drink over there. They are not allowed. So when he is back on leave because i have been binging we never go out. He is frightened also as i can be so sneeky with it. He has no life when he comes back here. We always have so many plans like hiring a car or going up to Istanbul but we do nothing. But tomorrow i am getting my glad rags on and i am taking him out for a meal!!!!!!:goodjob:

[Liath]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

Andaz-

I just wanted to lend my support. You are doing great! I know that sneaky voice that says, "Go ahead, have a couple drinks. It will be OK." It never is, is it? I am trying to retrain my brain to think, "Alcohol= danger". We have to do this or eventually that voice will win. Take care.

[Lavande]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

andaz,

Good for you, I'm glad you have come through 3 days and are beginning to see the 'light'. It does get better & better, honest!
I really think the CDs would be very beneficial to you. They absolutely silenced that voice that used to tell me 'It's OK to drink'. If you haven't gotten them already please try to get them. I have been AF since March, have no real desire to drink, just a very occasional fleeting thought. It's simple now to just blow that thought off and stay on track.

Wishing you strength and continued success!
Lav

[Elpis]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

Hi there,

I so understand your story as I had my favorite hiding places too. Trying to sneak a grink while knowing all along that there was no possible way she would not know I was drinking. All I can say is that it is not me doing it... and it's not you... it's Al. We must master Al and you are on your way... congrats!

Elpis

[andaz]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

Thanks All

Had a better night sleep last night and the sweats and pain seem to be going and the depression is lifting.

Wish everyone well and a sober AL free voice today.

The furry tongue is not so furry as i can nearly brush my teeth properly without gagging. Had food yesterday was actually hungry. Will get out the house today as my paranoia has to stop. I have to think who cares what people are saying or what they saw. The only thing that matters is a sober day today that distructive feeling will let AL into my head and me back to the bottle. If i keep hiding away i cant see that my life passing me by and there is a wonderful world out there.

love and support to all today I am so glad i found this forum as it has so brought me to my senses. AL is effecting all of us in the same way. So it is not me or you ........it is AL.

Which somehow has made the fog and the stinking thinking that AL is nice and "what if" and "what a shame" and "poor me" thoughts. I never ever want to drink again. I have eventaly relised after 16 selfdestructing years .....that the reason why it happened to poor me was i over endulged just like if you do with anything your brain will crave more. If i drank 20 cans of red bull for 7 days a week then the brain would be addicted to that. People have all different addiction just ours was a class A drug dressed up in a fancy dress costume. So evil. ........

Has anyone noticed that it is so in your face. Every book i read,every TV program, every other shop i pass. Why carnt they start to contol it's exposure like what they have done with ciggies. It probably kills more people than ciggies.

I live in a muslim country now. It is not in their culture to drink. But there is drink on every courner and it is us westeners that have turned it into this. There are so many potential AA members here and mwo members too. I have to stop looking at them and thinking "i wish" and start thinking "thank bloody god it is not me now" because 1 day they will be looking for this site and it will be all of us giving them our experience strength and hope.........

love to you all xxxxxxxxxxx:thanks:

[ChickenNumber3]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

Andaz

I admire your courage and determination to fight 'the good fight'! Your family will have you back and let's face it..they miss you!

If you need to chat or vent then we are all here for you,soomeone is always floating around and that's what I love about MWO..that there is always someone you can talk to just when you need to.

I like the feeling of knowing that I can speak honestly,even if I do fall down,because all I will get is a hundred hands picking me back up again, and dusting me off and hugging my bruised spirit until I don't feel quite so lonely in the battle against this demon drug!

We will help you weather the storm....as you will help us by being here!
:l For you Andaz

Chicken

[andaz]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

odat 4

Hi everyone

He he i have a new addiction this forum!!!!!!!! Shame on me. :H On to day 4 of 1 day at a time. Slept better but the bloody complex they have built over the road was full of those bloody pissheads screaching on till 03.00 in the morning. The one i used to be so jealous of. No more there no one worse than a ex alcohol addict. Had a word with hubba and thinking of moving some where more tranquil and smaller. Live in a 5 bedroom house that i cant be arsed to clean when i get depressed. I go from being totally positive and within a second at the off licience. With clean clothes on clean hair make up on nails done buying a nice bottle of wine to staggering in in my jarmies and geting the biggest bottle of vodka i can find within 3 days and the face on the little girl who is working has a muslim mum that doesnt drink does not bother me!!!!. I need to be away from this 17 hour a day off licence staring at me from my front patio doors with those twinkling jewels in them. But need to get stronger and more days under my belt. Paid my off licence bill today. 130 quid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Told husband and instead of trying to be shamed by it told him what is done is done get over it move on. Spoke to 1 neighbour today told a white lie said i have had food poisoning not such a lie as it was liquid poisoning by Al. So paranoia is slowley ebbing away. But the more sober days i get under my belt the more dangerous Al can be. So thank you all for your honest postings. We need to be reminded on a daily basis how strong this beast can be you are no more my best mate!!!!!I have killed you and buiried you under the patio

[SarahH]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

Hanging in there. Feeling shaky, but AF. Worrying about my heart. This is the longest it has ever been that it has taken all the symptoms to go away, which is why this is the last time I go through this. I feel better pacing around than sitting or lying down. Hope everyone else on the thread is doing well.

I really have to get some work done, so I hope this part ends soon!!

[JackieClaire]

go on 1 or 2 will be okay after all you used to be ok

Hi to you both,
Yes this site is my new addiction. But it keeps my hand away from the bottle.
We'll have to make a date to all meet in the chat room.
Big Hugs
Jackie xxx