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    #1

    new here, a few ?'s

    Hi all
    this is just my 3rd post. I am getting mixed messages from my husband ref my drinking.
    now that im in my 3rd day of AF he will ask me if i want to go over our friends for wine or when we were out for dinner if i wanted a drink. When i look at him like WTF he then says "I forgot, im sorry".
    He also asked me (he is NOT a person with this problem he can have 1 drink something i have never done in my life) if i want him to get rid of the wine in the house. Yes id like him to but i feel guilty about that. he doesnt have a problem I do. Why should he suffer due to my problems. He told me he would not miss the wine beer yes he likes to have a cold one after work sometimes..I do not like having any AL in the house he works a lot and about 2 years ago i got into the habit of drinking to relax after a stressful day at work. 2 beers or 2 big glasses of wine is what it took to take the edge off, then i got into the habit of drinking every day and built up my tolerance. I drank alone and when he was home i hid how much i was drinking (we'd have some wine together and id go into other room shut the door get on computer and have some more) he asked me a few days ago do you think im stupid, like i didnt know what you were doing out in the other room with door shut.. he tells me i get mean when i drink (i thought i was funny) and problems with AL do run in my family my brother and dad.
    so my ?'s- should i feel guilty about asking him to get rid of the wine (we just bought 2 cases ) and what is the deal with the mixed messages. Maybe I am more fun when i drink although he tells me my mood is much better when i dont drink when i do im real bitchy and moody to say the least.
    thanks to all
    :new:
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    #2
    new here, a few ?'s

    Welcome Queen!

    Hmmm... I'm in the same boat, actually. We do have wine and other AL in the house and I also felt that I didn't want my better half having to make changes to HIS life because of my inability to control my drinking.

    However, after he gets back tomorrow (he's been away since yesterday morning and I promptly demolished 2 bottles of wine and some left over rum yesterday) I will ask him to make sure that I have NO access to any of it. I still don't feel terribly comfortable asking him to do so - I imagine you feel the same way.

    As for your hubby offering you drinks, etc... I'm not sure. There have been others here who had their significant others sabotage their efforts. Could it be that he simply isn't sure how to react around the 'new you'?
    Okay, WHO put a stop payment on my reality check?

    Winning since October 24th, 2013

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      #3
      new here, a few ?'s

      Queen,
      Oh, can I relate to what you are talking about.

      Best wishes to you. Just want to let you know you are not alone.

      Comment

        #4
        new here, a few ?'s

        thank you all for your help.
        i did tell my husband the truth that it would help me to not have the wine in the house and i felt bad asking him to get rid of it when he bought it.i told him i feel so much better without the AL (even after only 3 days) but i think about drinking all the time and i miss the buzz. i have tried to drink in moderation so many times with no success so i am ready to admit my brain is different or i am allergic to AL or i am powerless what ever pick one. he seemed so happy to hear i feel better without it
        he did tell me long ago if i decide i have a problem with AL he would support or help me however he could . He said he would not miss the wine just the beer. i hope this gets easier as time goes on.
        thanks again i do appreciate finding this place and it is nice to know others understand and i am not the only one with this problem. just driving home tonight (from the mall 30 miles away) i could not believe all the signs i passed for wineries and all the commercials on the radio for beer...AL is everywhere it seems
        I have been in denial so long about my drinking hence my name here...

        Comment

          #5
          new here, a few ?'s

          Hi Queen -

          I have a husband like many of you who can have a drink tonight and none for many. He likes a beer now and then or a glass of wine and can make a bottle last 2 or 3 days.

          I'm AF now for almost a year and the only way I could have done it at the beginning was having it out of the house entirely. I had to be very blunt about that with him - it cannot be here. When I feel that you can have it here again, I will tell you. It was about 2 or 3 months before I was ok with it. Please be honest with him and with yourself - it is too much temptation to have it in the house. You're much less likely to have that drink if you have to get in your car and go buy it (not that that hasn't stopped us at times, right? but it'll make you think about it harder).

          It is hard for someone who isn't an alcoholic to understand why you can't just stop. I used the most simple language I could and tried to be very direct in how I asked my husband to help over the years I really struggled to quit. Sometimes I'd ask him not to let me drink and three days later tell him it was ok - I could have wine on a Saturday - I just didn't want to drink during the week.

          I'm babbling here, but I'm tryign to look back and remember what was hardest and how best to get his help.

          Ask for it - he loves you and you need his support (or at least it makes it a lot easier if you have his support) to get through this.

          Good luck! Be strong - count your blessings and celebrate your renewed health each day!
          Member since January 2008
          AF since August 25, 2008

          Comment

            #6
            new here, a few ?'s

            I totally agree......ask him to get it out of the house your sobriety is the most important thing because without it, you could loose everything. I am a people pleaser and i am sure that this is 1 of the reason why i cold never stay off the drink long enough. I used to say that it was my problem i can't expect them to change but when i drink its everyones problem. If you had lung cancer would you feel guilty by asking someone not to smoke infront of you. No........
            When my husband drinks in front of me it takes me back to when i could drink and slowly but surely its starts to want to be my friend again.
            You need more sobriety under your belt before he can have as much booze in the house. I speak from experience. My son was here visiting with his girlfriend. So there were times when my fridge was full of booze. When they went home and my husband went back there was 1 bottle of beer in the fridge. It stayed there for a few weeks and eventually i had to open it which then lead me into a 5 day bender. Tell him to lock it away if need be. :h
            They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. Andy warhole

            last drink 3rd August 2009

            Comment

              #7
              new here, a few ?'s

              One of the key tools to gaining sobriety is not having alcohol in the house at least in the early days. If you are serious about it you cant pussyfoot around others feelings. They can drink anywhere and as a sign of respect they shouldnt drink in front of you or put temptation in your way. If someone was on a diet you wouldnt eat a cake in front of them would you - same thing. It is just basic respect that they would not bring/keep alcohol into the house while you are trying to save your own life.
              m

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